Would you have a baby with little to no support system?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone but DH?

Maybe he or she doesn't have a "DH," silly.

When I was pregnant, my wife was an incredible support. While her family lives nearby, they were not engaged in supporting us. We’ve done fine raising two kids and have built a great support network of amazing friends here in DC.

Well pin a rose on you nose. Aren't you so woke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone but DH?

My H at the time did nothing and tried to prevent my mom from helping while I was on bed rest.

Why did you marry such a guy? Then you had a kid with this control freak. Time to soul search.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one owes you a support system so please don’t impose your children on anyone else.

Oh this is a really sad comment. It takes a village, you know. Absolutely nobody should be forced to babysit a kid, but it takes a village to raise a child and I hope everybody would feel good about helping out a little, even if it just means a shoulder to cry on or making a meal when somebody needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

What exactly were you expecting from family and friends that a 2-parent household with a single child couldn't do?

I had postpartum depression that my partner did not recognize because he was struggling with the transition to fatherhood in his own way. I definitely needed both emotional support and practical guidance from people outside our family unit. We paid for our support system but we definitely needed one. It was somewhat surprising to me how not helpful friends and family were. I have always done things like bring food, run errands, and offer to visit friends when they have a new baby. When my nephew was born, I flew across the country and got a hotel so that I could help my sister and her husband with household chores like laundry and walking the dog while they focused on the baby and my sister recovered from a c-section. It was surprising and disappointing to me when no one offered that kind of support for me.

The idea that new parents should be able to handle it on their own is a very American invention that isn’t even practiced by that many Americans. Most communities recognize a need to support and care for families with new babies.

I agree with you. I don't think families should be independent silos or "nuclear" as someone told me once. There is great strength in having a community around and it benefits everyone. You sound like a wonderful person and I am sorry that others didn't help you as much as you helped them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it on my own and my family was not local. You don’t need all the things that others said (massages? Cleaners? Night nurse?) but you should be financially comfortable and someone who is used to being self reliant and just powers through. You have to make practical choices (mostly formula fed because you don’t have time to be attached to a baby or a pump for six hours a day), and a quality daycare center over a nanny so that you are not beholden to the schedule/problems of a single person. I stayed in an apartment when the baby was small - less maintenance and cleaning, someone else shovels, you call the company when something breaks etc. I bought a townhouse when she turned four when she was potty trained, more independent, and could “help”.

Go into it presuming that no one else will help and then be happy when someone does, rather than expecting help and being resentful when no one does.

But you do want money so that you can pay for things that you won’t have time to do yourself.

me, too

[Anonymous]

This is really eye-opening for me. I have a 15-year-old and 17-year-old and I can say that we have almost absolutely no "support system," based on what people have described here. My inlaws live 2 miles away but never ever babysat--except for the one weekend or night a year that THEY picked to take the kids at their house overnight. I had a twin sister nearby, who was sweet, but clueless and not of any help, then she died when were were forty and the kids were still very young. For a year, a few years after our second was born, my husband worked Mon-Thur in another city. I worked 30 hours per week outside the home, so we did hire a part-time nanny for a short period of time, until both kids could be in preschool. I just never knew we were supposed to have more help. No matter our marriage has been awful and this last 18 years has not been that blissful. Pretty sure my older is addicted to weed, which keeps me up nights. Boy, sure do wish we had known we were supposed to have a "village."

[Anonymous]

^

Don’t feel bad. This thread is actually pretty laughable, like many threads filled with the musings of the mostly very privileged women who post on this board.

Tens of millions of single parents and married parents and primary parenting grandparents all over this country cope every day with child rearing sans village - and spa treatments, nannies/au pairs, and lots of money.

I have no doubt they raise mostly more resilient and and more compassionate children in the process.

[Anonymous]

I consider my husband my support system, and we do fine (2 kids - toddler and preschooler. I stay home.) I don't have any local family, no cleaner, etc. We get a babysitter for a couple hours once a month.

I'm considering getting a part-time nanny if we have a third. I think it's beyond me to take care of an infant and two other kids. I would also probably need outside support if my husband worked longer hours. Also, my house is just dirty most of the time, so... luckily that doesn't really bother me haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

What exactly were you expecting from family and friends that a 2-parent household with a single child couldn't do?

I had postpartum depression that my partner did not recognize because he was struggling with the transition to fatherhood in his own way. I definitely needed both emotional support and practical guidance from people outside our family unit. We paid for our support system but we definitely needed one. It was somewhat surprising to me how not helpful friends and family were. I have always done things like bring food, run errands, and offer to visit friends when they have a new baby. When my nephew was born, I flew across the country and got a hotel so that I could help my sister and her husband with household chores like laundry and walking the dog while they focused on the baby and my sister recovered from a c-section. It was surprising and disappointing to me when no one offered that kind of support for me.

The idea that new parents should be able to handle it on their own is a very American invention that isn’t even practiced by that many Americans. Most communities recognize a need to support and care for families with new babies.

Eh, for every one of the whiny complainers like you there are many who suck it up and carry on. It’s very common to have postnatal depression. You carry on regardless of whether your mom and sister can make some meals for you because you have to. That’s it, it’s that simple. You have to so you do. That’s called being an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one owes you a support system so please don’t impose your children on anyone else.

Oh this is a really sad comment. It takes a village, you know. Absolutely nobody should be forced to babysit a kid, but it takes a village to raise a child and I hope everybody would feel good about helping out a little, even if it just means a shoulder to cry on or making a meal when somebody needs it.

NP. If I had a friend/neighbor who had no partner/support system and expected me to be their "village," I would be resentful. I have enough to handle with my own family. No one is making you have a kid. Please don't expect me to make you meals or take care of you because you need "a village."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one owes you a support system so please don’t impose your children on anyone else.

Oh this is a really sad comment. It takes a village, you know. Absolutely nobody should be forced to babysit a kid, but it takes a village to raise a child and I hope everybody would feel good about helping out a little, even if it just means a shoulder to cry on or making a meal when somebody needs it.

NP. If I had a friend/neighbor who had no partner/support system and expected me to be their "village," I would be resentful. I have enough to handle with my own family. No one is making you have a kid. Please don't expect me to make you meals or take care of you because you need "a village."

Amen sister! Also, this village the PPs speak of is gendered. No one complains about their brother not helping out but it’s always sisters, SILs, and MILs. And female neighbors and friends. Stop exploiting women’s labor!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I could purchase that support system, meaning:
-au pair
-therapy and massages for myself
-cleaners
-weekend nanny
-Amazon prime
-food delivery whenever I want or need

Therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start building your support system. It took years, but we now know our neighbors and have helped them enough that I know I can ask for help. We slowly got to know daycare families, same result.

THIS. As someone who has made to effort to BUILD a community--which took time, effort, giving and flexibility--I resent the premise that some people have support systems and others have nothing.

Do you also think the only way to have wealth is to inherit it?

BUILD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

What exactly were you expecting from family and friends that a 2-parent household with a single child couldn't do?

I had postpartum depression that my partner did not recognize because he was struggling with the transition to fatherhood in his own way. I definitely needed both emotional support and practical guidance from people outside our family unit. We paid for our support system but we definitely needed one. It was somewhat surprising to me how not helpful friends and family were. I have always done things like bring food, run errands, and offer to visit friends when they have a new baby. When my nephew was born, I flew across the country and got a hotel so that I could help my sister and her husband with household chores like laundry and walking the dog while they focused on the baby and my sister recovered from a c-section. It was surprising and disappointing to me when no one offered that kind of support for me.

The idea that new parents should be able to handle it on their own is a very American invention that isn’t even practiced by that many Americans. Most communities recognize a need to support and care for families with new babies.

Eh, for every one of the whiny complainers like you there are many who suck it up and carry on. It’s very common to have postnatal depression. You carry on regardless of whether your mom and sister can make some meals for you because you have to. That’s it, it’s that simple. You have to so you do. That’s called being an adult.

I will never understand comments like this. Of course you figure it out. You have to, so you do. My kid is alive and happy and my family is doing fine, so obviously I didn’t just quit in protest.

But pointing out that it doesn’t have to be this way, and that tons of families all over the world approach it more collaboratively, is not “whiny complaining.” And FYI, while PPD is common, it also needs to be treated or it really can have negative consequences for mothers, children, and their families. I was fortunate to have a great OB who helped, and enough money to pay for therapy. But not everyone does. I wouldn’t be so cavalier about it.

[Anonymous]

The misogyny on threads like this always gets me down. This question is *before* the baby, she’s not asking anyone for anything, sheesh. There are a lot of things that people can do or “just suck up and don’t whine” but that doesn’t make that the best or only way to do it. Other than mocking other parents what special powers does it get you to do it all on your own?

So, would I have a baby without a support system? I’m with others— only if I could pay for the support I wanted. Our families are far away in one case, elderly/infirm in the other. We budgeted for a postpartum doula, meal service, additional housekeeping hours, and private PT/fitness. Then there was a pandemic so I’ve only been able to use a couple of those things but there was never any expectation I’d just do everything on my own, nor am I impressed that others choose to do so.