Would you have a baby with little to no support system?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

If someone doesn't think they can be a loving, adequate caregiver to an orphaned child, and will instead resent them, as PP seems to, they should NOT take them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

If someone doesn't think they can be a loving, adequate caregiver to an orphaned child, and will instead resent them, as PP seems to, they should NOT take them.

Pointing out that the poster sounds like a jerk. Clearly has sister issues, but taking it out on the child. Not a good human IMO.

[Anonymous]

Are you well off enough to afford paid help? If no, then the answer is no.

Imagine that you have the worst stomach flu of your life, feel weak as a kitten, cannot keep a drop down, and still have a baby or toddler to take care of, who cannot feed or bathe or change themselves. Imagine you're hospitalized. Who helps with your baby? Sure, people find themselves in these situations, it happens. But why choose it?

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't. I had an immense amount of help, and it was still among the hardest things I have had to do, and I say this as someone that routinely worked 70+ hour weeks. Here is the thing - you don't know how difficult it will be, until after, and some things, you cannot adequately plan for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I could purchase that support system, meaning:
-au pair
-therapy and massages for myself
-cleaners
-weekend nanny
-Amazon prime
-food delivery whenever I want or need

+1 great response

This. We can afford some of that but it's still hard without any family help. And, yes, I have a DH but he travels a lot (he'll be gone 5 out of the next 8 weeks) and we both work.

Does he contribute income?

When people talk about their DH as not being a source of support, I always wonder if they're just so privileged that they don't realize the enormous burden of being the sole financial provider for kids.

If someone is either taking on that burden for your kids, or sharing that burden so you don't have it, then they are doing something that's much more important than a grandparent babysitting once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

Why does anyone expect someone other than their spouse to help them take care of their kid? Pay for childcare if you both work. Sheesh. People like you are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

What exactly were you expecting from family and friends that a 2-parent household with a single child couldn't do?

I had postpartum depression that my partner did not recognize because he was struggling with the transition to fatherhood in his own way. I definitely needed both emotional support and practical guidance from people outside our family unit. We paid for our support system but we definitely needed one. It was somewhat surprising to me how not helpful friends and family were. I have always done things like bring food, run errands, and offer to visit friends when they have a new baby. When my nephew was born, I flew across the country and got a hotel so that I could help my sister and her husband with household chores like laundry and walking the dog while they focused on the baby and my sister recovered from a c-section. It was surprising and disappointing to me when no one offered that kind of support for me.

The idea that new parents should be able to handle it on their own is a very American invention that isn’t even practiced by that many Americans. Most communities recognize a need to support and care for families with new babies.

Was your nephew born before your child?

I helped friends who had babies before I did. The friends who had babies when I also had a baby? Sorry guys, I'm a little busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

+1 You would let your niece/nephew go into foster care because they are spoiled? That's terrible.... I'm barely speaking to my sister, and I think her kids are bratty, but I would no question take them in if something happened to her. BUT, I have to say, it is overall a good point that you should have at least one person in your life who could take your child if you passed away.

[Anonymous]

My family lived close when I had my children, but we did not rely on them or the other things mentioned. We handled it ourselves. We wanted children and that was all that mattered.

[Anonymous]

I will never not be suprised by the vitriol brought out by threads like this.

Seriously don't know what is wrong with people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I could purchase that support system, meaning:
-au pair
-therapy and massages for myself
-cleaners
-weekend nanny
-Amazon prime
-food delivery whenever I want or need

+1 great response

This. We can afford some of that but it's still hard without any family help. And, yes, I have a DH but he travels a lot (he'll be gone 5 out of the next 8 weeks) and we both work.

Does he contribute income?

When people talk about their DH as not being a source of support, I always wonder if they're just so privileged that they don't realize the enormous burden of being the sole financial provider for kids.

If someone is either taking on that burden for your kids, or sharing that burden so you don't have it, then they are doing something that's much more important than a grandparent babysitting once in a while.

Yes, so what? We both contribute money. And yes, there are people worse off than we are. That doesn't mean my position is not valid. We are not rich. It would be helpful to not HAVE to pay out the nose for child care, and all of the other things that go with maintaining a home and child, once in awhile.

BTW, I didn't say DH wasn't any support. But, he's about to leave for 3 weeks straight. I'll be underwater for 3 weeks balancing it all. It's still hard and the fact that others have it worse doesn't change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

Why does anyone expect someone other than their spouse to help them take care of their kid? Pay for childcare if you both work. Sheesh. People like you are the worst.

Because people need a break. Because child care is incredibly expensive. Because sometimes people would just like something easy for a change.

And in our case, BOTH sets of our parents had a TON Of help provided by grandparents when they raised us: school pick ups, sick days, watching us in the summer, and during weeks when our parents went to the bahamas, etc. etc. The expectation was there b/c that is what they gained. That is what was done and expected in our families. It was the expectation that is what would be paid forward, even if not as much. Apparently, Boomers don't pay anything forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

If someone doesn't think they can be a loving, adequate caregiver to an orphaned child, and will instead resent them, as PP seems to, they should NOT take them.

Pointing out that the poster sounds like a jerk. Clearly has sister issues, but taking it out on the child. Not a good human IMO.

If you want your siblings to take your kids if anything happens to you, you need to have an actual relationship with them. Otherwise you should ask your friends. If you don't have friends, well that is concerning. People should not be having kids without any network whatsoever. If you cannot connect well enough with siblings or peers or parents to have anyone close to you and you don't have a significant other, then probably not a good idea to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Depends on how responsible you are.