Would you have a baby with little to no support system?

[Anonymous]

Had 3 babies without a support system. Not easy but it can be done. You learn to depend on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Start building your support system. It took years, but we now know our neighbors and have helped them enough that I know I can ask for help. We slowly got to know daycare families, same result.

[Anonymous]

Of course yes if having a baby was really important to me. Unclear from your question if you are single or partnered? If you are single and don’t have family nearby then you should actively start to work on building some kind of support for yourself through a new parent groups etc. etc. If you’re partnered it’s so much easier place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I could purchase that support system, meaning:
-au pair
-therapy and massages for myself
-cleaners
-weekend nanny
-Amazon prime
-food delivery whenever I want or need

+1 great response

+2 and many women have with far less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone but DH?

My H at the time did nothing and tried to prevent my mom from helping while I was on bed rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I could purchase that support system, meaning:
-au pair
-therapy and massages for myself
-cleaners
-weekend nanny
-Amazon prime
-food delivery whenever I want or need

+1 great response

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

What exactly were you expecting from family and friends that a 2-parent household with a single child couldn't do?

I had postpartum depression that my partner did not recognize because he was struggling with the transition to fatherhood in his own way. I definitely needed both emotional support and practical guidance from people outside our family unit. We paid for our support system but we definitely needed one. It was somewhat surprising to me how not helpful friends and family were. I have always done things like bring food, run errands, and offer to visit friends when they have a new baby. When my nephew was born, I flew across the country and got a hotel so that I could help my sister and her husband with household chores like laundry and walking the dog while they focused on the baby and my sister recovered from a c-section. It was surprising and disappointing to me when no one offered that kind of support for me.

The idea that new parents should be able to handle it on their own is a very American invention that isn’t even practiced by that many Americans. Most communities recognize a need to support and care for families with new babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

What exactly were you expecting from family and friends that a 2-parent household with a single child couldn't do?

I had postpartum depression that my partner did not recognize because he was struggling with the transition to fatherhood in his own way. I definitely needed both emotional support and practical guidance from people outside our family unit. We paid for our support system but we definitely needed one. It was somewhat surprising to me how not helpful friends and family were. I have always done things like bring food, run errands, and offer to visit friends when they have a new baby. When my nephew was born, I flew across the country and got a hotel so that I could help my sister and her husband with household chores like laundry and walking the dog while they focused on the baby and my sister recovered from a c-section. It was surprising and disappointing to me when no one offered that kind of support for me.

The idea that new parents should be able to handle it on their own is a very American invention that isn’t even practiced by that many Americans. Most communities recognize a need to support and care for families with new babies.

I agree with you. I don't think families should be independent silos or "nuclear" as someone told me once. There is great strength in having a community around and it benefits everyone. You sound like a wonderful person and I am sorry that others didn't help you as much as you helped them.

[Anonymous]

One yes. But not two. I only had a second because our families are close and both sets of grandparents are involved and spend a lot of time with the kids etc. it may sound selfish but it is what it is. If my mom wasnt 20 min down the street and didn't take the oldest every other weekend for over nights i would not have had another. And yes she offers and does it happily and i will take care of her when shes older and needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

What exactly were you expecting from family and friends that a 2-parent household with a single child couldn't do?

I had postpartum depression that my partner did not recognize because he was struggling with the transition to fatherhood in his own way. I definitely needed both emotional support and practical guidance from people outside our family unit. We paid for our support system but we definitely needed one. It was somewhat surprising to me how not helpful friends and family were. I have always done things like bring food, run errands, and offer to visit friends when they have a new baby. When my nephew was born, I flew across the country and got a hotel so that I could help my sister and her husband with household chores like laundry and walking the dog while they focused on the baby and my sister recovered from a c-section. It was surprising and disappointing to me when no one offered that kind of support for me.

The idea that new parents should be able to handle it on their own is a very American invention that isn’t even practiced by that many Americans. Most communities recognize a need to support and care for families with new babies.

Ha, we were the first of our local friends to have kids (and for a long time the only ones), and no one did any of this, nor did it ever occur to me that anyone would because none of my friends had ever been pregnant and had a baby while I knew them. (Had some friends who'd had kids before we met.) Also didn't have local family at the time. And yeah, it was very tough. Second baby was much easier because my inlaws had moved down by then, but also mostly because we knew what we were doing with baby care. I had never held an infant or changed a diaper before my first was born.

I used to think if I wasn't married by 35, I'd have a kid on my own. Having now had 2 kids (and gotten married before 35, haha) I would NEVER do this unless I had multiple family members in the area and knew for sure they'd help. Kids are tough. Love'em, but they take so much work, especially in the infant/early toddler stage.

[Anonymous]

If you have enough money, it's do-able.

DH is Biglaw and has not been a very helpful co-parent, and neither of us have local family or infrastructure, but we have enough money to basically buy our way through it. That said, he is not amongst the particularly highly paid Biglaw ranks and we have school debt and I still work, so it's still pretty darn challenging. But if we couldn't afford PT childcare for me to work, delivery of pretty much everything, etc. I think it would be very difficult. I am very jealous of the mommies who have enough money for "luxury" childcare (ie when you're not working), which would give me some alone time and make it less stressful.

[Anonymous]

I did it on my own and my family was not local. You don’t need all the things that others said (massages? Cleaners? Night nurse?) but you should be financially comfortable and someone who is used to being self reliant and just powers through. You have to make practical choices (mostly formula fed because you don’t have time to be attached to a baby or a pump for six hours a day), and a quality daycare center over a nanny so that you are not beholden to the schedule/problems of a single person. I stayed in an apartment when the baby was small - less maintenance and cleaning, someone else shovels, you call the company when something breaks etc. I bought a townhouse when she turned four when she was potty trained, more independent, and could “help”.

Go into it presuming that no one else will help and then be happy when someone does, rather than expecting help and being resentful when no one does.

But you do want money so that you can pay for things that you won’t have time to do yourself.

[Anonymous]

You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone but DH?

I am assuming OP means without a spouse either, but maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone but DH?

Maybe he or she doesn't have a "DH," silly.

That would be important to note in thw first post.