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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is both a short term and long term issue to deal with.  In the short term, validate your children’s feelings, and your husband should validate them as well— yes it sucks to feel left out. It just does. It does for adults and it does for kids so yes validate that feeling.  You could point out that a trip with a sixteen year old is easier on the step grandparents than a trip with twelve year olds, but that won’t make it suck any less and it might raise their expectations for later, so maybe don’t.  But do validate the feelings, and again, your husband should as well because you don’t want your children to resent their stepfather for this.

Tell your stepson that you’re happy he’s getting this great trip but remind him that Karla and Larla aren’t so please use this opportunity to be gracious and mature. Tell him he shouldn’t feel bad about going and that you know he wouldn’t hurt his step siblings feelings on purpose.

It is acceptable to ask that your ILs not discuss the trip in front of your children.  That would be basic good manners but people can be thoughtless so if you have your MIL alone or a phone call you can say “oh Helen, Larla has been feeling very sensitive and left out of this trip so you mind discussing it with (stepson) when the other kids are not around?”

So that’s all you can do short term. Long term you and your husband need to have a realllllllllllyyyy clear idea of what your expectations are of your kids who have different resources growing up.  Are your kids getting 200k in college debt, his kids getting a full ride from grandparents? That’s going to be long term resentment in their mid 20s when you expect all of them to travel to you guys for Christmas.  Or when you and your husband need support in your later years and suddenly your kids are supposed to feel obligated to him as well.

Those step grandparents I know who have been most exacting about “fairness” have been the ones looking out for their adult sons long term, not themselves.[/quote]

This is ridiculous advice. No one is leaving anyone out of anything. This was a family tradition that existed prior to the stepkids entering the picture [b]and they shouldn't expect anything more than food, shelter, and a roof over their heads. [/b]A vacation is a perk and honestly, if this wasn't to Hawaii...would they even care? It's only something that interests them because of the location and NOT because they want to build a relationship with their mom's in-laws. I just find OP's post very disingenous and her expectations of her in-laws unfair. [/quote]

+100.

Plus, the last thing the older, actual grandkids would want is for their actual family tradition to be disrupted by younger kids they didn't choose. [/quote]

Sorry but I missed the part in the OP where these children are wards of the state and not members of a family. Everything else in that advice is just basic good manners but I guess you don’t feel these unwanted children deserve that either? [/quote]

They are wanted by the two people who actually decided to get married, knowing the other person had kids.

No one else opted in. No one else had a choice. If everyone gets along and is civil to these new blended family members, fine. If organic closer relationships develop, fantastic. But no one is owed a vacation because two years ago, other people, decided to blend a family. [/quote]

Exactly! No one is talking about unwanted children here. Presumably the OP still wants them and her new spouse chose to be their stepdad. There is no need for anyone else to “want” them. Everyone else can be civil and kind and even welcoming, yet retain their existing family traditions that are wholly separate from these new people. [/quote]

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