Why do people with demanding jobs choose to have 3+ kids?

[Anonymous]

This thread is full of sad mothers, jealous of women that had the ability, resources or courage to have more kids than they. You are sad and pathetic... just stop and be happy with your only... try to get him/her socialized with people their own age if you can.
Imagine if I wrote a post saying. “Why would anyone ever have less than 2 kids” “how could you bring a child to this world and leave him/her alone... how selfish”

I would be fumed and my post would probably be deleted... some of us (majority of families since 2 kids is the norm) think that you are doing a disservice to your children by making them your only... stop judging... it looks sad and pathetic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is full of sad mothers, jealous of women that had the ability, resources or courage to have more kids than they. You are sad and pathetic... just stop and be happy with your only... try to get him/her socialized with people their own age if you can.
Imagine if I wrote a post saying. “Why would anyone ever have less than 2 kids” “how could you bring a child to this world and leave him/her alone... how selfish”

I would be fumed and my post would probably be deleted... some of us (majority of families since 2 kids is the norm) think that you are doing a disservice to your children by making them your only... stop judging... it looks sad and pathetic

Most people who have one either do it for financial reasons (in which case, they’re being very responsible), because the marriage isn’t great, or due to secondary infertility.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read the whole thread but I agree 100% OP. In this day and age, our time is the best thing we can give to our children. And working parents (like me) shouldn’t be spreading it too thin, unless there’s an amazing “village” that compensates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Status, trendy, grew up with a large family, have money to pay for nannies. Most aren't concerned about spending a lot of 1-1 time with each kid and have the kids to play with each other and care for one another.

Why do you care how many kids other people have? I only have two so I'm not one of the people you're judging, but your post is kind of nasty and it really makes me wonder why you're so judgmental and rude about another group of people who happened to make choices that are different than yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we like kids? What a weird question.

It’s not weird, especially if you complain constantly about how busy and hectic and exhausted you are. Most of my friends who have three constantly complain. I just want to be like, uh, what did you think having three kids was going to be like, a walk in the park?

I have 3 and we both work full time. Husband travels a lot for work (pre Covid) and I travel a bit too. Things were great before Covid. Older kids were in school and baby was with the nanny. Now I have to help my PK and 1st grader (though she is pretty independent now) with DL. So now I complain a bit. When my third was born, I had no idea I would have had to help my older kids 3-4 hours a day with DL.

Why do you feel the need to write something like this? Why would anyone decide to not give their child a playmate?

Its the truth. They had little time for their 2 kids but could outsource easily between the nanny and school but now she probably has to help a bit with 2 kids and an infant while the nanny tends to the infant. She needs to hire more help. I don't get families iike this as neither parent is home much so kids are an accessory rather than the priority. I don't get how you don't realize you could have your kids with you 24/7.

In what world is hovering parent a healthy childhood. Kids literally NEVER grew up this way. The amount of domestic labor women had was huge and kids were sent outside and left to other kids to raise. There is substantial evidence that working moms today spend way more time with their kids than SAHMs in the 50s-70s did. Dads also spend more time with their kids. So whether or not both parents work, kids are getting more parental attention than ever before. And then there’s the nutters that feel they need to be hovered over endlessly by a parent - if you want to be worried about a set of kids worry about those snowflakes

Many logical fallacies in this statement.
1. Kids in yesteryears had more of a village. Grandparents or aunt/uncle or lifelong family friend right down the street. It wasn’t Lord of the Flies. There were adults around. This is no longer the case, so parents need to compensate
2. It’s no longer considered safe to send your kids outside to play alone at really young ages. Most of the kids with over-stretched parents are constantly on their screens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we like kids? What a weird question.

But do you have time for them? Energy? I like my kid, his friends, my nephews, but I don’t have the energy for more than one. Trying to understand if I am just weak.

You're not weak, you're just different. The thought of four kids makes my head spin, the thought of more makes me want to jump off a cliff. But that doesn't mean that other people don't love their huge families, it just isn't for me (or my husband). It's not because we're weak, it's because we're just wired differently. Some people would make excellent surgeons, some would be terrible at that. Some are excellent lawyers, some would suck. Some are fantastic therapists, others think that job sounds like torture. It's the same thing with kids. And thank goodness we're not all the same because how boring that would be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think they hire help and don't really even see their kids that much, so they don't think about it being a big deal...

You people are so bitter it's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we like kids? What a weird question.

It’s not weird, especially if you complain constantly about how busy and hectic and exhausted you are. Most of my friends who have three constantly complain. I just want to be like, uh, what did you think having three kids was going to be like, a walk in the park?

I have 3 and we both work full time. Husband travels a lot for work (pre Covid) and I travel a bit too. Things were great before Covid. Older kids were in school and baby was with the nanny. Now I have to help my PK and 1st grader (though she is pretty independent now) with DL. So now I complain a bit. When my third was born, I had no idea I would have had to help my older kids 3-4 hours a day with DL.

Why do you feel the need to write something like this? Why would anyone decide to not give their child a playmate?

Its the truth. They had little time for their 2 kids but could outsource easily between the nanny and school but now she probably has to help a bit with 2 kids and an infant while the nanny tends to the infant. She needs to hire more help. I don't get families iike this as neither parent is home much so kids are an accessory rather than the priority. I don't get how you don't realize you could have your kids with you 24/7.

In what world is hovering parent a healthy childhood. Kids literally NEVER grew up this way. The amount of domestic labor women had was huge and kids were sent outside and left to other kids to raise. There is substantial evidence that working moms today spend way more time with their kids than SAHMs in the 50s-70s did. Dads also spend more time with their kids. So whether or not both parents work, kids are getting more parental attention than ever before. And then there’s the nutters that feel they need to be hovered over endlessly by a parent - if you want to be worried about a set of kids worry about those snowflakes

Many logical fallacies in this statement.
1. Kids in yesteryears had more of a village. Grandparents or aunt/uncle or lifelong family friend right down the street. It wasn’t Lord of the Flies. There were adults around. This is no longer the case, so parents need to compensate
2. It’s no longer considered safe to send your kids outside to play alone at really young ages. Most of the kids with over-stretched parents are constantly on their screens

Or they could build a village. And realize that outdoor play in the suburbs is safe. That’s what we did and it’s great!

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool.

[Anonymous]

The parents I know with 3+ kids are usually Type A people and are super organized and seemingly great parents, honestly. I only have 2; I wanted 3, but my DH was not on board and in hindsight he was correct. Sometimes I think we should have stopped at 1, but my second is such a love, I'm glad we have him. But, I'm not Type A and love down time, so different personalities than the parents of 3+ kids that I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids, a c-suite job, and my dh is a big law partner. I also spend 5 hours every week day with my kids and every minute of the weekend. All I do is work and spend time with my family - bc I love my job and spending time with my family. I outsource every chore I can do all my time can be focused on the two things I love.

And yes I have lots of nanny help but that doesn’t mean Im not spending time with my kids at the same time. It means that I can focus on each kid some of the time(eg nanny is home for baby’s nap sat morning while DH and I are out with big kids) or have someone cooking dinner while I play with the kids vs having the stress of trying to cook with 3 little kids on me.

I would not have had 3 kids if I couldn’t afford the help bc I wouldn’t want my 52 hours a week with my kids (yes I count them) to be full of stress and trying to multitask all the time.

Maybe my kids will be spoiled bc they never see me cleaning toilets or maybe they will see that dh and I work our butts off in our paid work - I don’t know but I’m not wasting too much sleep over it given they see us contributing and working overall. I’ll make sure they know how to clean a toilet before going to college and they have chores at home now.

It’s fine if you don’t want to live this way, it’s also weird but fine if you don’t think 50+ hours a week is enough parent time for kids and dh or I should stay home instead. But to say we don’t see our kids is absurd and that’s true of all the families like mine I know - like our work lives, we are type A and we have clear goals and metrics for our personal lives and don’t let things slip

This is us as well. Not sure what OP means by demanding jobs because I'd view teaching to be more demanding than my and my husband's desks jobs but we certainly make a lot more than teachers do. Assuming you mean demanding jobs that make a lot of money, we outsource cleaning, laundry, yard work, etc., so that we work really hard from 7:30-4 while our kids are at school (they leave the house at 7:30 and come back at 4:30, no before or after care but that includes the driving), sometimes stop at 4 and help them with homework, sometimes keep working until 5 and the nanny helps them for that hour or takes them to play outside once they're done, then we have complete family time from 5-8 when they go to bed. (We also have an hour in the mornings getting them ready for school and having breakfast, so we have between 4 and 5 hours each day with our kids during the week, like PP). We can work more after they go to sleep if needed, and sometimes we'll work in the morning before they get up, but we very rarely work weekends (sometimes we will plan it so that one of us is doing something with them while the other works if needed). So we spend a ton of time with our kids because we're not busy cleaning the house or mowing the lawn or running any other errands (our nanny is basically our personal assistant while the kids are at school so she does things like handle Amazon returns, etc.). The money our jobs pay us provides us the opportunity to outsource the things we don't want to do anyway and spend more time with our kids. We also both love our jobs and get a lot of fulfillment from doing them. I don't get why this, which works for us and obviously others, bothers anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think they hire help and don't really even see their kids that much, so they don't think about it being a big deal...

That’s not at all what I see. We have three as do lots of our friends. One of ours has special needs. We had daycare and sometimes we had a cleaner, but not usually. Most of the people we know had a similar level of help. We spend lots of time with our kids and we had them because we love kids. I never thought it was that hard.

What do you consider lots of time? How much 1-1 time does each child get a day, week with each parent?

DP. How much one on one time does your child get? Answer that first before PP does.

It is ridiculous that some of you think that you spend so much more time with your 2 vs. parents with 3. I would argue that many with 2 actually spend less time with their kids if the kids are closer in age.

My kids get non-stop attention as I am a SAHM and my husband works from home and shares an office with the kids and is very hands on. Since we aren't socializing with others, they are our full attention. We have never had a babysitter or nanny (though I am not against them but never had the need) nor a lot of family help (we do have friends/neighbors who will help in an emergency).

You ought to teach your kids to play on their own. That's a big life skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think they hire help and don't really even see their kids that much, so they don't think about it being a big deal...

That’s not at all what I see. We have three as do lots of our friends. One of ours has special needs. We had daycare and sometimes we had a cleaner, but not usually. Most of the people we know had a similar level of help. We spend lots of time with our kids and we had them because we love kids. I never thought it was that hard.

What do you consider lots of time? How much 1-1 time does each child get a day, week with each parent?

Does only 1-1 time with a parent count?

If I am looking at a microscope with my 11 year old, and he tells to his older brother to show him what we saw, are we no longer spending time together? Do family dinners, board games, and trips not count?

I probably spend about 20 minutes of dedicated 1-1 time with each child (excluding time helping them with homework, forcing them to practice music, or getting them ready to go somewhere). But I spend a lot of time with them as a group, and they spend a lot of time playing and working together as well.

20 minutes is not enough time but keep telling yourself being a group and not 1-1 is the priority.

Enough time for what? How much time do you spend every day 1-1 with each of your kids with no one else in the room?

A lot. Probably several hours a day but we have a small house so we are pretty much together all day.

That's not 1:1 time then. Stop moving the goal posts. A SAHM posting on this thread can't read the title, apparently. And posting that you spend ALL your time with your kids still doesn't answer the 1:1 question. So if you're a SAHM with two young kids, do you just lock one up for half the day so you can make sure you get five hours of 1:1 time with each of them? Come on. You're ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we like kids? What a weird question.

It’s not weird, especially if you complain constantly about how busy and hectic and exhausted you are. Most of my friends who have three constantly complain. I just want to be like, uh, what did you think having three kids was going to be like, a walk in the park?

I have 3 and we both work full time. Husband travels a lot for work (pre Covid) and I travel a bit too. Things were great before Covid. Older kids were in school and baby was with the nanny. Now I have to help my PK and 1st grader (though she is pretty independent now) with DL. So now I complain a bit. When my third was born, I had no idea I would have had to help my older kids 3-4 hours a day with DL.

Why do you feel the need to write something like this? Why would anyone decide to not give their child a playmate?

Its the truth. They had little time for their 2 kids but could outsource easily between the nanny and school but now she probably has to help a bit with 2 kids and an infant while the nanny tends to the infant. She needs to hire more help. I don't get families iike this as neither parent is home much so kids are an accessory rather than the priority. I don't get how you don't realize you could have your kids with you 24/7.

Are you actually blaming someone for not seeing a pandemic coming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool.

This. I like you, PP. And I'm a WOHM (currently working at home). I enjoy it when people who make different choices can agree on things. I wish more of DCUM was like this.