Why do people with demanding jobs choose to have 3+ kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to your logic, children shouldn’t do any chores. If my spouse and I buy a house, they shouldn’t have to do chores because they didn’t buy the house. If we buy a car, they don’t have to clean it because they didn’t buy it. If we buy their clothes, they don’t have to do laundry. Are we forcing these tasks on them too because we aren’t paying them? How do they differ from babysitting? You can call babysitting whatever you like, but there’s nothing wrong with asking older siblings to help with taking care of the younger ones as long as they’re not substituting for the parents. It’s a life skill. It teaches empathy, child rearing, and responsibility. So many new parents struggle to take of children because they have no previous experience.

A PP already explained this.

P.s.: do your younger children have EXTRA chores too. Some of you seem obsessed with “preparing” first born kids only.

Me again. “Do your younger children have EXTRA chores too ???”

It sounds like by EXTRA chores, you mean being thoughtful of other people in the home, and no, my youngest didn’t do this the way the older kids did. Youngest children are notoriously spoiled.

I have no idea how people with only one child keep from spoiling their children. I did spend a lot of 1:1 time with my youngest in the years before he started school, and we pretty much did whatever he wanted. If we were going to go to the zoo or the playground, and he wanted to go to the zoo, then we went there, and we walked around wherever he wanted to go. I fixed him whatever he wanted for lunch as long as we had it, and it was relatively easy. Fortunately, that was only a few hours a day for two years. I am not sure how a child would turn out if he had this his entire life. Probably, you would have to send an only child to some kind of group childcare.

How is this spoiling a child? There’s nothing wrong with following a child’s lead. It’s not like you had to change your plans for your child. Tbh, PP you seem to think children are a nuisance.

'

How did you get that? I don't think they are a nuisance. But if I have more than one, then I might say something like, "we will see the giraffes first, then the elephants next." Or "everyone is having turkey sandwiches for lunch today because they are Andrew's favorite. Tomorrow we will have grilled cheese." With one, I just kind of followed his lead and did whatever he wanted to do nearly all of the time.

Because when there is just one adult and one child, only a crazy person would make their child see the giraffes when she really wanted to see the elephants or eat turkey when it's just as easy to make the grilled cheese she really wants, or, to use pp's example, to be careful with the scissors when she is the only one in the room.

So, yeah, my youngest is not as thoughtful of other people as the older kids are. He is still a nice boy, but he is a little lacking in consideration.

That's your parenting issue/failure. It sounds like you really didn't meet his needs like you thought you did.

Yea, I seriously doubt the youngest drove all these decisions. Usually the oldest ones are the ones whose schedules the household rotates around. Youngest kids get dragged around to sports practices, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand wanting 2 no matter what; I can understand an oops baby (though I honestly think people just aren’t being careful). But choosing to have 3? Am I just a low energy person that I find it hard to pay as much attention to my only as I would like if I work a regular 9-5?

They plan to have someone else raise the kid. They can’t imagine not having a nanny or au pair. They figure they can get two if needed. Add in all of the coaches, private tutors, and other adults they pay to spend time with their kids and they are investing very little time themselves. Until it all comes crashing down due to changed economic circumstances or a pandemic. DD has a friend whose mom brags she never changed a single diaper. She has 4 kids!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they only people who CHOOSE to have a 3rd child are SAHMs to fill their void.

I don’t think working moms choose to have a child, it’s mostly an accident.

Speaking of that, I’m definitely seeing a lot of quarantine babies. I guess many people didn’t just bake bread for fun during lockdown.

The bolded is pretty funny. So are all their children accidents or only the 3rd one? What's so special about the number 3 that triggers this much rigidity in you?

Because no woman in the right mind who is trying to have a career would voluntarily have a third child. Because a child is a career derailment.

Dif it occur to you that some women have a career so that they can afford 3 children? I only have 1 child but we want 3 and need to have the HHI for it. If I was content with one child I would not work as hard as I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: do you guys who are anti-older sisters supervising think it’s okay to ask your kids to fold laundry? Weed the yard? Set the table? Where’s the line between “things we do because we’re members of the family and the family needs this to be done” and “no, that’s the parent’s job”? Bodily fluids seem like the second case, except in extenuating circumstances...

I give my kids chores because they are the reason that those chores are necessary. The reason we have to set the table and do dishes is in part because they are eating. The reason we have to fold towels is because they use towels. I want them to understand that living requires work, and work is satisfying. I don't give them chores because I'm relying on them (in fact it would be so much easier for me to just do it all myself).

I do sometimes have my older child (a girl) babysit my younger one, but since childcare isn't part of maintaining a household in the same way other chores are, I pay her for it, and I do it as little as possible because I want to avoid her feeling like she has to take on adult roles.

Okay. But in the example given, the reason the little one needs supervised while mom unloads the dishwasher is because the older one has the scissors out to cut paper dolls. So, the older child's play IS the reason that the supervision is necessary.

I refuse to give my kid chores that they aren’t expecting and I don’t make them do chores at a moments notice. To me there is no reason that the dishwasher can’t wait. A lot of this has to do with his my mom treated me growing up: she would make me drop what I was doing to go do something for her. She seemed to think I owed her that, but I felt like she was using me for her own convenience. I wouldn’t ask my husband to do that, so I don’t think it’s fair to ask my child to either.

And people can get parenting experience without being asked to drop everything to watch after a sibling. They can find paid babysitting jobs.

But I don’t think it’s some kind of dereliction of a parents duty to ask a kid to watch another kid. I don’t think they should tell them to do it beside it’s their job to do whatever a parent asks, but to ask for a babysitting favor every once in a while isn’t a big deal. Not something I would do, but not a huge deal.

NP - yes it is very clear from your hysterical posting that this chore topic is deeply personal to you. I’m sorry your mom used you for her convenience but a thoughtful parent can (and many do) systematically require age and volume appropriate household chores. When done well this builds character, self-confidence, and competence in children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status, trendy, grew up with a large family, have money to pay for nannies. Most aren't concerned about spending a lot of 1-1 time with each kid and have the kids to play with each other and care for one another.

The obsession with one on one time is what makes American kids spoilt brats that can’t function as adults once they get to college.

Lol. You must not be a therapist or you'd know that most people who struggle with adult functioning can trace it to dysfunctional relationships with their parents. And that dysfunction is very rarely "my parents spent too much time just talking to me and focusing on my well being." Maybe the rare case of Munchausens by proxy. But for most adults with emotional distress, it stems from the fear or belief that their parents don't love, respect, or like them. It's so common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status, trendy, grew up with a large family, have money to pay for nannies. Most aren't concerned about spending a lot of 1-1 time with each kid and have the kids to play with each other and care for one another.

The obsession with one on one time is what makes American kids spoilt brats that can’t function as adults once they get to college.

Lol. You must not be a therapist or you'd know that most people who struggle with adult functioning can trace it to dysfunctional relationships with their parents. And that dysfunction is very rarely "my parents spent too much time just talking to me and focusing on my well being." Maybe the rare case of Munchausens by proxy. But for most adults with emotional distress, it stems from the fear or belief that their parents don't love, respect, or like them. It's so common.

DP,

While the bolded may be true(citation?), I am not sure that spending one on one time correlates with an increased conviction of parental love and respect.

From my experience as the middle of 5 kids, my parents were able to show love and respect for us while we spent time as a family(4 kids did a lot together; youngest sibling is much younger). My siblings and I have very different personalities, and even in group settings, my parents were able to address our needs as individuals. I admit that there were countless times when they would pull one of us aside to address our specific needs, but these events did not usually require more than a few minutes.

I would say my youngest brother, who is 7 years younger than the next youngest kid, got the most "one on one" time from our parents(and from the rest of us). I don't think he feels any more loved and respected than the rest of us(it would be kind of hard to because we were/are highly loved and respected by our parents). I don't think that there is any indication that his life is richer/easier/more emotionally stable than ours. I think his childhood was not as fun as ours because he missed out on the big family fun (oldest siblings were in college when he was old enough to do certain things).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status, trendy, grew up with a large family, have money to pay for nannies. Most aren't concerned about spending a lot of 1-1 time with each kid and have the kids to play with each other and care for one another.

The obsession with one on one time is what makes American kids spoilt brats that can’t function as adults once they get to college.

Lol. You must not be a therapist or you'd know that most people who struggle with adult functioning can trace it to dysfunctional relationships with their parents. And that dysfunction is very rarely "my parents spent too much time just talking to me and focusing on my well being." Maybe the rare case of Munchausens by proxy. But for most adults with emotional distress, it stems from the fear or belief that their parents don't love, respect, or like them. It's so common.

DP,

While the bolded may be true(citation?), I am not sure that spending one on one time correlates with an increased conviction of parental love and respect.

From my experience as the middle of 5 kids, my parents were able to show love and respect for us while we spent time as a family(4 kids did a lot together; youngest sibling is much younger). My siblings and I have very different personalities, and even in group settings, my parents were able to address our needs as individuals. I admit that there were countless times when they would pull one of us aside to address our specific needs, but these events did not usually require more than a few minutes.

I would say my youngest brother, who is 7 years younger than the next youngest kid, got the most "one on one" time from our parents(and from the rest of us). I don't think he feels any more loved and respected than the rest of us(it would be kind of hard to because we were/are highly loved and respected by our parents). I don't think that there is any indication that his life is richer/easier/more emotionally stable than ours. I think his childhood was not as fun as ours because he missed out on the big family fun (oldest siblings were in college when he was old enough to do certain things).

It sounds like your parents were able to give you and your sibling the individualized attention you needed. All kids need individualized attention. That’s the point. The PP referred to an “obsession with one on one time” as though children don’t need one on one time with their parents or it just doesn’t matter to outcomes. As though parental attention is just an obsession of modern helicopter parents.

But my experience is that most adults who struggle with identity, depression, anxiety, and other common mental health issues can trace them at least partly to not feeling loved or seen by their parents. It’s not limited to people from big families. It’s a very common issue, and I would actually attribute it more to a generational issue, where children and grandchildren of “the Greatest Generation” struggle with the stoic, unemotional per ring styles that came out of the trauma of WWII and the depression. Just my observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status, trendy, grew up with a large family, have money to pay for nannies. Most aren't concerned about spending a lot of 1-1 time with each kid and have the kids to play with each other and care for one another.

The obsession with one on one time is what makes American kids spoilt brats that can’t function as adults once they get to college.

Lol. You must not be a therapist or you'd know that most people who struggle with adult functioning can trace it to dysfunctional relationships with their parents. And that dysfunction is very rarely "my parents spent too much time just talking to me and focusing on my well being." Maybe the rare case of Munchausens by proxy. But for most adults with emotional distress, it stems from the fear or belief that their parents don't love, respect, or like them. It's so common.

DP,

While the bolded may be true(citation?), I am not sure that spending one on one time correlates with an increased conviction of parental love and respect.

From my experience as the middle of 5 kids, my parents were able to show love and respect for us while we spent time as a family(4 kids did a lot together; youngest sibling is much younger). My siblings and I have very different personalities, and even in group settings, my parents were able to address our needs as individuals. I admit that there were countless times when they would pull one of us aside to address our specific needs, but these events did not usually require more than a few minutes.

I would say my youngest brother, who is 7 years younger than the next youngest kid, got the most "one on one" time from our parents(and from the rest of us). I don't think he feels any more loved and respected than the rest of us(it would be kind of hard to because we were/are highly loved and respected by our parents). I don't think that there is any indication that his life is richer/easier/more emotionally stable than ours. I think his childhood was not as fun as ours because he missed out on the big family fun (oldest siblings were in college when he was old enough to do certain things).

It sounds like your parents were able to give you and your sibling the individualized attention you needed. All kids need individualized attention. That’s the point. The PP referred to an “obsession with one on one time” as though children don’t need one on one time with their parents or it just doesn’t matter to outcomes. As though parental attention is just an obsession of modern helicopter parents.

But my experience is that most adults who struggle with identity, depression, anxiety, and other common mental health issues can trace them at least partly to not feeling loved or seen by their parents. It’s not limited to people from big families. It’s a very common issue, and I would actually attribute it more to a generational issue, where children and grandchildren of “the Greatest Generation” struggle with the stoic, unemotional per ring styles that came out of the trauma of WWII and the depression. Just my observation.

Yes, and many baby boomers became narcissists perhaps due to this trauma combined with a rapidly expanding economy and opportunities that made them feel very special and in turn made their own kids feel unloved and unseen in a different way. Generational trauma is sad and real.

[Anonymous]

I love kids, or I should say I love our kids. They are very easy and happy, knock-on-wood, and have been since infants. I SAHM though and have a part-time nanny and an involved husband, so motherhood is mostly pleasant and I get to spend a ton of time with our kids every day. I am not good at jugging and I am a perfectionist, so I gave up my carrer once I had the first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love kids, or I should say I love our kids. They are very easy and happy, knock-on-wood, and have been since infants. I SAHM though and have a part-time nanny and an involved husband, so motherhood is mostly pleasant and I get to spend a ton of time with our kids every day. I am not good at jugging and I am a perfectionist, so I gave up my carrer once I had the first.

So...basically you're super privileged and have reading comprehension issues (hint, the title asked about people who have demanding jobs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love kids, or I should say I love our kids. They are very easy and happy, knock-on-wood, and have been since infants. I SAHM though and have a part-time nanny and an involved husband, so motherhood is mostly pleasant and I get to spend a ton of time with our kids every day. I am not good at jugging and I am a perfectionist, so I gave up my carrer once I had the first.

So...basically you're super privileged and have reading comprehension issues (hint, the title asked about people who have demanding jobs).

Ignore that poster, I'm with you SAHM. Why kill yourself with a career if you don't want to and don't have to? I'm SO SICK of the world telling me I'm worthless unless I have a "big" job somewhere. I went back to work when my kids were in late elementary school, and while I enjoy the intellectual stimulation, the negatives of juggling work/home/school/activities almost outweigh the positives of full-time work. Now, I'm dealing with some lunatic millennial and her insane expectations of the workplace, I'm just done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love kids, or I should say I love our kids. They are very easy and happy, knock-on-wood, and have been since infants. I SAHM though and have a part-time nanny and an involved husband, so motherhood is mostly pleasant and I get to spend a ton of time with our kids every day. I am not good at jugging and I am a perfectionist, so I gave up my carrer once I had the first.

So...basically you're super privileged and have reading comprehension issues (hint, the title asked about people who have demanding jobs).

Ignore that poster, I'm with you SAHM. Why kill yourself with a career if you don't want to and don't have to? I'm SO SICK of the world telling me I'm worthless unless I have a "big" job somewhere. I went back to work when my kids were in late elementary school, and while I enjoy the intellectual stimulation, the negatives of juggling work/home/school/activities almost outweigh the positives of full-time work. Now, I'm dealing with some lunatic millennial and her insane expectations of the workplace, I'm just done.

You two need to find your own post about why people choose to stay at home. This post asked why people with demanding jobs choose to have 3+ kids.

[Anonymous]

This thread is crazy and depressing. I have a demanding job but I somehow manage to spend 3+ hours per day with my kids: 7-8am and 6-8pm plus I hang out with them between meetings. Ditto for my spouse. And we spend all weekend to together doing family stuff. Kids are in school now so the nanny really only covers drop off and then the afternoon in non-covid times. Please stop with this nonsense that kids like mine are not getting enough love and attention. It’s mean-spirited nonsense that people use to justify their own decisions.