Daughter was assaulted. Help me support her please.

[Anonymous]

I suggest reading “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller. It was very eye opening for me as someone who has not personally experienced sexual assault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest reading “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller. It was very eye opening for me as someone who has not personally experienced sexual assault.

This suggestion is for you as her parent, not necessarily her.

[Anonymous]

You call the police! Otherwise you run the risk of being labeled an “accessory after the fact” and enabling child sexual abuse. This is a big deal, OP!!!

[Anonymous]

Honestly if she doesn't report now that's her call. But as a parent, I'd wait 5 or 10 years and then purposely and secretively do everything in my power to ruin the perpetrators life. I'd haunt him. Destroy his life. But wait so people don't think it's you

[Anonymous]

I have read some but not all the replies here. OP if you're still reading, one very very important thing you could do for her from afar is a few steps:

1. Read up yourself or call a local abuse hotline and educate yourself on the patterns she should watch out for. I say this because whenever I counsel teens (or any age really) on moving on from an abusive BF/GF, one thing I always warn them of is the "Honeymoon stage" where the BF or exBF is ALL wonderful and apologetic and makes a ton of promises about how it'll never happen again. All of that.

It's so important to be supportive of her healing with this, and maybe aware of the patterns that often happen so you can help her understand the bigger context of the power dynamics and if she knows what to expect, maybe when it happens she won't be as trusting or fall for it as much.

2. I didn't read on so I don't know how serious the assault was, what counseling (if any) she's received since it happened, or the status of her relationshp to the BF. But whatever is happening now, check in with her regularly. Maybe not always about the trauma itself, but how she's doing. Ask her what is making her feel good these days. What she worries about if anything. What would be most helpful to her. Aks questions like that and listen for clues to what she may need or be struggling with, then try to connect her to supports (what supports really depends on what she's struggling with).

3. I really like whoever suggested you do visit, whatever it takes to spend a day or a couple of days with her and not saying you should focus it all on her bad experience. Just be there, just tell her you want to see her and support her and would love to just hang out. Of course check in on the specific situation and how she's doing at some point, but also just hang out, period. Just be there, connect with her, check in on how other parts of her life are too.

I hope she's ok and I hope you find ways to build on the good initial steps you took in trying to support her. Good luck, please do post an update at some point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read some but not all the replies here. OP if you're still reading, one very very important thing you could do for her from afar is a few steps:

1. Read up yourself or call a local abuse hotline and educate yourself on the patterns she should watch out for. I say this because whenever I counsel teens (or any age really) on moving on from an abusive BF/GF, one thing I always warn them of is the "Honeymoon stage" where the BF or exBF is ALL wonderful and apologetic and makes a ton of promises about how it'll never happen again. All of that.

It's so important to be supportive of her healing with this, and maybe aware of the patterns that often happen so you can help her understand the bigger context of the power dynamics and if she knows what to expect, maybe when it happens she won't be as trusting or fall for it as much.

2. I didn't read on so I don't know how serious the assault was, what counseling (if any) she's received since it happened, or the status of her relationshp to the BF. But whatever is happening now, check in with her regularly. Maybe not always about the trauma itself, but how she's doing. Ask her what is making her feel good these days. What she worries about if anything. What would be most helpful to her. Aks questions like that and listen for clues to what she may need or be struggling with, then try to connect her to supports (what supports really depends on what she's struggling with).

3. I really like whoever suggested you do visit, whatever it takes to spend a day or a couple of days with her and not saying you should focus it all on her bad experience. Just be there, just tell her you want to see her and support her and would love to just hang out. Of course check in on the specific situation and how she's doing at some point, but also just hang out, period. Just be there, connect with her, check in on how other parts of her life are too.

I hope she's ok and I hope you find ways to build on the good initial steps you took in trying to support her. Good luck, please do post an update at some point!

CORRECTION: Just re-read original post, it's clear it was a sexual assault and that is of course very serious, so sorry for saying I didn't know if it was serious or not. It's very serious. Still would give the same advice above but wanted to honor the seriousness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Yes, I am not custodial. Out of state.

I don't want to give away too much detail but she's older than 17 and younger than 20.

I would never override her decision in this, but it pains me because I see her pain and I see more pain for others. It's a cycle with no chance of breaking without someone doing something.

Also I find law enforcement to be almost worthless (that's been my repeated experience), but I expect in cases like this they are somewhat more adept.

Gonna talk with her mom about this too.

You are absolutely incorrect about law enforcement being more adept at prosecuting rape. You couldn’t be more wrong. Unless your daughter has some form of proof, they will not likely prosecute a he said/she said rape report. She could report it to get it in the record, in case someone else comes forward against the guy, with the full knowledge and expectation that nothing good is likely to come from it and it may cause substantial additional pain for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

How, precisely, are women supposed to “collectively fight” a police infrastructure that is 90% male and systemically misogynistic? Replacing them with an all-female force would be helpful in infinite ways but that doesn’t seem realistic. So what’s your plan?

[Anonymous]

In my recent experience as a victim of sexual assault who did report and charges have been pressed, here are my observations from my experience and the research I’ve done on sexual assault
1) the police in my case were incredibly trauma informed and invested in bringing the case to justice. Ultimately it’s the DA or prosecutor who decides on the criminal charges, not the police. Often they only want to bring charges forward in cases with strong evidence that they are confident they can win. If it’s a he said/she said situation, they’re unlikely to file charges.
2) RAINN has good information on the number of rapes that are reported, how many of them result in charges being filed, how many guilty verdicts are issued, and how many perpetrators serve time. Read up on that to get a realistic look at the big picture
3) PP’s who have said to tell your daughter that you believe her are right on
4) Ask your daughter how you can best support her. As a young adult, she ultimately gets to make the decisions
5) A counselor experienced in trauma would be invaluable. Be careful with going to just any counselor though, unfortunately a bad one can do as much harm as a good one can help.
6) Reassure her that this is not her fault. No means no.
7) know that she may speak out as a survivor someday, even if she doesn’t go through the legal process. It’s her story to tell, when and to whom she wants to share.