Daughter was assaulted. Help me support her please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

x1000 I think too many people posting here have watched way too much bad tv and haven't worked with real victims like I and probably the PP have. What does the custodial parent say? It is surprising the custodial parent is supporting the silence.

Keep talking to your daughter OP and strongly encourage her to report the crime against her. Reporting the crime can actual bolster her confidence because she now becomes in charge of what happened instead of it being something that happened to her. Did she keep the clothing she was in? Did she take any pictures of bruises? She also would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist, whether that be a LCSW or a psychologist, about her experiences.

You and she might want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I bet both of you recognize many of the character traits of her boyfriend in the examples set forth in the book. It could be very helpful and healing for your daughter to see that this assault was NOT her fault and that it WAS the fault of the perpetrator.

A lot of us posting are "real" (what does that mean?) victims and are sharing our personal experiences. Thanks for invalidating them, though.

agree with survivor PP. other PP, I hope you don't work with many victims and really don't believe you do if you think pushing her to report something before she is ready is the best mode of action

I absolutely do work with victims of sexual assault. I would be derelict in my responsibilities if I and my coworkers did not counsel people to report the crime against them. Furthermore we refuse to be complicit in the crime by being silent.

It is incredible to me that there are people here counseling OP to keep quiet.

In my 30+ years of experience of working with and volunteering with organizations that help women who have been assaulted, being silent and not reporting the crime is 100% wrong and only ends up with a woman who still years later has not been able to recover from her experience. The only women I know who have been assaulted and who have "recovered" so to speak are those who have directly addressed the crime and its ramifications. I will never encourage a woman who has been assaulted to not report the assault. That is a complete anathema to everything I stand for and have seen over the years. OP should be supportive and kind and loving, as has been described here by many, but OP also should encourage the daughter to report the crime in addition to seeking out therapy.

I doubt that anyone who chooses not to report is going to share their experiences with you. You have a shitty attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP-please make sure sure your DD receives medical care after this assault. She needs to be checked for STD’s and possible pregnancy. I am so sorry your family is going through this.

[Anonymous]

Here is a support unit in Montgomery County. https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/hhs-program/bhcs/vasap/vasapindex.html

I only know Montgomery County, and here the entire process is victim-led. If the victim doesn't want to continue with the investigation or charges at any time, the police and prosecutors back off. It is additional trauma if people force the victim to take actions that s/he doesn't want to.

Just be there as a support. Get therapy for yourself, if that helps. Ask the professional for how to provide comfort and strength to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

If she’s in MD or VA, Network for Victim Recovery of DC (also serving MD) is an amazing organization with victim advocates who can help her decide whether or not to report. Very victim-centered services. I’d she’s in another area, I’d call NVRDC for a referral.

[Anonymous]

Wow! Must have been so, so, so hard.
I would have destroyed this person and his entire family - because I carry grudges where my kids are involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Must have been so, so, so hard.
I would have destroyed this person and his entire family - because I carry grudges where my kids are involved.

Listen to saner people on this thread. I understand that going for revenge will ultimately not help in your DD in the long run. You need trained professionals to guide her through this.

We must teach girls to report and collect DNA evidence first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Must have been so, so, so hard.
I would have destroyed this person and his entire family - because I carry grudges where my kids are involved.

Listen to saner people on this thread. I understand that going for revenge will ultimately not help in your DD in the long run. You need trained professionals to guide her through this.

We must teach girls to report and collect DNA evidence first.

I posted upthread about this, but this is true. And its also not based in reality, everyone thinks they are John Rambo inside, but DCUM types do not mix well with the people who actually live this kind of life. This is real life, not a movie. Like I said, part of me was super nervous about ever being sexually assaulted because I knew that I would have to deal with it without ever telling my family. I was lucky as a young woman to not experience first hand.

Revenge posts are cathartic but stop encouraging OP to do things that can't be undone

[Anonymous]

Thank you for believing your daughter and wanting to help. My mom told me my brother didn’t sexually assault me and called me a liar. It was true. Anyway, please follow her lead. You don’t want to further traumatize her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please try to document everything you can. Write down and date what she tells you. Ask the custodial parent to take pictures, videotape a statement. Do a rape kit it applicable. Victim may change her mind and it could be empowering in the future for her to have contemporaneous evidence that supports her if she decides later to report.

I think this is good advice.

Do a rape kit on a young woman that is refusing to go to the authorities? Not sure how you make an adult go through such an invasive procedure against her will. But sure, violate her all over again.

[Anonymous]

I would have encouraged her to go to the hospital and have a rape kit done. Yes, it would be invasive. But, it would also be insurance in case the guy tries to attack her again. She does not have to press charges, right?

If it's a small town, I'm sure the custodial parent may want dd to stay silent, as dd will probably be blamed, even though it's not her fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have encouraged her to go to the hospital and have a rape kit done. Yes, it would be invasive. But, it would also be insurance in case the guy tries to attack her again. She does not have to press charges, right?

If it's a small town, I'm sure the custodial parent may want dd to stay silent, as dd will probably be blamed, even though it's not her fault.

You may encourage to a degree but if she is saying "no" the father needs to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

Victim shaming is not appropriate or constructive. Stop.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

x1000 The only way it STOPS is if we stand up for ourselves. Allowing ourselves to be culled into silence means that the perpetrators keep getting away with it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you tell your daughter you love her. You follow her lead. You tell her that there isn't a wrong way to react or process this. You tell her that while this is awful, it does not mean that she is funtamentally broken, or no good, or not whole.

[Anonymous]

Would she be willing to go to the hospital. It might be too late to collect dna but they could still document any injuries she may have in case she changes her mind she doesn't have to press charges now.

If she doesn't want to go accept that.

As for you let her know you love her and ate willing to listen. Watch for signs of depression or self destructive behavior, but resist the urge to become over protective.

Keep this between you, the other parent and whom your daughter.chooses to tell don't go calling grandma, your daughter needs control over the narrative.

You can seek support for yourself and how to support her RAINN is a good start point for this.

Lastly if you have a son stress the importance of consent and respecting boundaries.


So sorry this is happening