Daughter was assaulted. Help me support her please.

[Anonymous]

Older teen DD was assaulted by a new BF who wanted more than she was willing to give him. Setting aside my desire to bury him alive, how do I support her?
She lives with her mom and is not close to me. I’ve FaceTimed her, talked with her, sent her county sexual assault services info, and encouraged her to call the police.

She does not want to go call the police. I struggle with this because I want to respect her choices but I am afraid (and am confident) this will happen again to his next victim. Specifically she does not want the police involved because she can’t stand the idea of being called a liar.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are doing everything possible.

[Anonymous]

I know this is hard to hear, but you over-riding her choices would be a further violation. Get her to a counselor, even for a virtual visit, ASAP.

[Anonymous]

How old is she and how old is the boyfriend ?

[Anonymous]

Is she over 18?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes going to the police can not be restorative and can instead be very traumatizing. Don’t push it if she doesn’t want it. It sucks, but sadly there is a case to be made for not pushing for justice - the person who gets dragged a second time can sometimes be the victim.

[Anonymous]

You have to follow her lead on this. This is a very personal, private incident. Not your body, not your call. Do not tell anyone she doesn't want to share this with or you will add to her trauma with every new share. Let a professional help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to follow her lead on this. This is a very personal, private incident. Not your body, not your call. Do not tell anyone she doesn't want to share this with or you will add to her trauma with every new share. Let a professional help her.

Agree.
OP - it sounds like you have done the right things so far to support her. I know it’s hard and devastating to you - as a parent and a man - and the desire to “fix” the issue is real. But there’s nothing for you to fix. Just be there for her as she navigates her way through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is hard to hear, but you over-riding her choices would be a further violation. Get her to a counselor, even for a virtual visit, ASAP.

I agree with this. Also, you might consider getting yourself to a counselor (not the same one as your daughter). Having this happen to your daughter and feeling powerless to do anything can be traumatizing for you too, and having a third party who can help you work through your feelings and find ways to support your daughter constructively may be really valuable for you to help her right now.

[Anonymous]

Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

[Anonymous]

I take it from your message that you're a man, and the non-custodial parent.

Please consider that your experience with law enforcement as a man, and presumably not a SA survivor, is going to be very different from your daughter's expeirence.

Regular law enforcement is absolutely rotten at dealing with SA, particularly this kind of situation where she knew her attacker and presumably gave consent for some acts but not others.

I feel for you - I'm sure it sucks to be this powerless, but PP Is absolutely correct that it would be retraumatizing to force her at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

It is absolutely the victim's right to not press charges.

OP the best you can do is be 100% supportive. Get her help so that she can start to heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Guessing you are not a rape victim? Many of these responses are probably from the proportion of women who were. (Responder who you are probably suprised by)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

You have no idea what you are talking about and you should be glad of it.