Daughter was assaulted. Help me support her please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

+1. Women need to report these men. Otherwise its the same "snitches get stitches" culture that allows men to go on assaulting women with impunity. It sucks, but that's life.

This is correct, and the statistics that other PPs acknowledge prove that lack of reporting when incidents occur allow for not only the culture of assault to continue, but also allow law enforcement and communities to ignore it (heck protect it even). If someone’s home was burglarized, you would encourage them to call the police and make a report. Even though that persons safety, security and privacy has been violated you would expect them to make a report. And while assault is a different type of safety, security, and privacy violation, reporting it has the same purpose and power. It’s a record of a wrong doing. It’s requesting(demanding) that justice be sought. It’s stating that as a supporter you will stand beside them no matter what. Whether justice is achieved is a different story altogether. Assault survivors deserve to be heard, they deserve justice, and they deserve for us a society to STOP being okay with them suffering in fear and silence.

We tell kids that if they are bullied they should report it and get help. The same applies with assault, report it and get help.

To the OP, encouraging your DD to report this IS support, just as is being sure she gets the necessary help to mentally move through and past this terrible moment in life. This is not going to be easy for any of you, but the fact that you are here asking advice, and sending her stuff already, and talking to her, are first steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

+1. Women need to report these men. Otherwise its the same "snitches get stitches" culture that allows men to go on assaulting women with impunity. It sucks, but that's life.

This is correct, and the statistics that other PPs acknowledge prove that lack of reporting when incidents occur allow for not only the culture of assault to continue, but also allow law enforcement and communities to ignore it (heck protect it even). If someone’s home was burglarized, you would encourage them to call the police and make a report. Even though that persons safety, security and privacy has been violated you would expect them to make a report. And while assault is a different type of safety, security, and privacy violation, reporting it has the same purpose and power. It’s a record of a wrong doing. It’s requesting(demanding) that justice be sought. It’s stating that as a supporter you will stand beside them no matter what. Whether justice is achieved is a different story altogether. Assault survivors deserve to be heard, they deserve justice, and they deserve for us a society to STOP being okay with them suffering in fear and silence.

We tell kids that if they are bullied they should report it and get help. The same applies with assault, report it and get help.

To the OP, encouraging your DD to report this IS support, just as is being sure she gets the necessary help to mentally move through and past this terrible moment in life. This is not going to be easy for any of you, but the fact that you are here asking advice, and sending her stuff already, and talking to her, are first steps.

Please just shut up. Just shut up. NO ONE ACCUSES PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD A BREAK IN OF MAKING IT UP!!!! No one says 'Wow, I guess you learned not to go out for the day and leave your home unoccupied." or "If you hadn't made your lawn look so nice, they never would have been tempted."

Just shut up until you get some common sense.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry Op. I don't want to be the one to tell you, but it will most likely happen again at some point. The problem is that big.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. As a new college grad, my oldest DD was roofied and raped in the workplace. She doesn’t remember the actual rape, just the guy giving her a Coke and then coming to in a back room in a state of undress. She went straight to the ER. They did everything right there, including offering to call the police. She declined. I was so upset that she did not want to press charges, but she threatened to stop talking to me if I didn’t drop it. After a few weeks, some guy friends paid her rapist a visit and he abruptly left town. She did therapy. While she certainly isn’t over it, she found her own ways of taking her life back. I could have lost our relationship and not helped her at all.

This is likely the most effective remedy and the one my family would have taken. Risky but worthwhile.

I know what you mean. I am from a, lets call it "rougher" type of family that would have gone this route too. But I'd think that most people don't have the kinds of friends or family that can actually do this, not get caught, not talk about it and follow through on what they set out to do. I'm intentionally distanced from some people who live that life. Its not the kind of advice most on DCUM can use, IMO. But the other consequence of this is that my sister and I both have stated that if something had happened to us in our younger years we would never have told our parents because of fear of that kind of response.

[Anonymous]

Therapy for her, ASAP. And you, too. This happened in our family and the girl has really struggled with anxiety, anorexia, depression since the event. She reported it but it happened in another country, so there have been many challenges. A good therapist and unconditional family support are ESSENTIAL. I do think there are more resources and less stigma for young women than in my day, thank god.

Good luck, it's terrible for the whole family but there can be healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

x1000 I think too many people posting here have watched way too much bad tv and haven't worked with real victims like I and probably the PP have. What does the custodial parent say? It is surprising the custodial parent is supporting the silence.

Keep talking to your daughter OP and strongly encourage her to report the crime against her. Reporting the crime can actual bolster her confidence because she now becomes in charge of what happened instead of it being something that happened to her. Did she keep the clothing she was in? Did she take any pictures of bruises? She also would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist, whether that be a LCSW or a psychologist, about her experiences.

You and she might want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I bet both of you recognize many of the character traits of her boyfriend in the examples set forth in the book. It could be very helpful and healing for your daughter to see that this assault was NOT her fault and that it WAS the fault of the perpetrator.

A lot of us posting are "real" (what does that mean?) victims and are sharing our personal experiences. Thanks for invalidating them, though.

agree with survivor PP. other PP, I hope you don't work with many victims and really don't believe you do if you think pushing her to report something before she is ready is the best mode of action

I absolutely do work with victims of sexual assault. I would be derelict in my responsibilities if I and my coworkers did not counsel people to report the crime against them. Furthermore we refuse to be complicit in the crime by being silent.

It is incredible to me that there are people here counseling OP to keep quiet.

In my 30+ years of experience of working with and volunteering with organizations that help women who have been assaulted, being silent and not reporting the crime is 100% wrong and only ends up with a woman who still years later has not been able to recover from her experience. The only women I know who have been assaulted and who have "recovered" so to speak are those who have directly addressed the crime and its ramifications. I will never encourage a woman who has been assaulted to not report the assault. That is a complete anathema to everything I stand for and have seen over the years. OP should be supportive and kind and loving, as has been described here by many, but OP also should encourage the daughter to report the crime in addition to seeking out therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Older teen DD was assaulted by a new BF who wanted more than she was willing to give him. Setting aside my desire to bury him alive, how do I support her?
She lives with her mom and is not close to me. I’ve FaceTimed her, talked with her, sent her county sexual assault services info, and encouraged her to call the police.

She does not want to go call the police. I struggle with this because I want to respect her choices but I am afraid (and am confident) this will happen again to his next victim. Specifically she does not want the police involved because she can’t stand the idea of being called a liar.

Thank you

Call the women’s center

[Anonymous]

NP. I would strongly encourage my daughter to file a police report and get it on the record. She might be able to decide whether to press charges later.

When he does this again, at least the police would know there was another incident and so the next girl won't need to have the same concerns as your daughter about not being believed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

x1000 I think too many people posting here have watched way too much bad tv and haven't worked with real victims like I and probably the PP have. What does the custodial parent say? It is surprising the custodial parent is supporting the silence.

Keep talking to your daughter OP and strongly encourage her to report the crime against her. Reporting the crime can actual bolster her confidence because she now becomes in charge of what happened instead of it being something that happened to her. Did she keep the clothing she was in? Did she take any pictures of bruises? She also would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist, whether that be a LCSW or a psychologist, about her experiences.

You and she might want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I bet both of you recognize many of the character traits of her boyfriend in the examples set forth in the book. It could be very helpful and healing for your daughter to see that this assault was NOT her fault and that it WAS the fault of the perpetrator.

A lot of us posting are "real" (what does that mean?) victims and are sharing our personal experiences. Thanks for invalidating them, though.

agree with survivor PP. other PP, I hope you don't work with many victims and really don't believe you do if you think pushing her to report something before she is ready is the best mode of action

Actually they sound like a cop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

x1000 I think too many people posting here have watched way too much bad tv and haven't worked with real victims like I and probably the PP have. What does the custodial parent say? It is surprising the custodial parent is supporting the silence.

Keep talking to your daughter OP and strongly encourage her to report the crime against her. Reporting the crime can actual bolster her confidence because she now becomes in charge of what happened instead of it being something that happened to her. Did she keep the clothing she was in? Did she take any pictures of bruises? She also would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist, whether that be a LCSW or a psychologist, about her experiences.

You and she might want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I bet both of you recognize many of the character traits of her boyfriend in the examples set forth in the book. It could be very helpful and healing for your daughter to see that this assault was NOT her fault and that it WAS the fault of the perpetrator.

A lot of us posting are "real" (what does that mean?) victims and are sharing our personal experiences. Thanks for invalidating them, though.

agree with survivor PP. other PP, I hope you don't work with many victims and really don't believe you do if you think pushing her to report something before she is ready is the best mode of action

I absolutely do work with victims of sexual assault. I would be derelict in my responsibilities if I and my coworkers did not counsel people to report the crime against them. Furthermore we refuse to be complicit in the crime by being silent.

It is incredible to me that there are people here counseling OP to keep quiet.

In my 30+ years of experience of working with and volunteering with organizations that help women who have been assaulted, being silent and not reporting the crime is 100% wrong and only ends up with a woman who still years later has not been able to recover from her experience. The only women I know who have been assaulted and who have "recovered" so to speak are those who have directly addressed the crime and its ramifications. I will never encourage a woman who has been assaulted to not report the assault. That is a complete anathema to everything I stand for and have seen over the years. OP should be supportive and kind and loving, as has been described here by many, but OP also should encourage the daughter to report the crime in addition to seeking out therapy.

Well, on the internet you've now met one who didn't report and managed to "recover", whatever that means. I was attacked, I didn't get cancer. Your experience doesn't trump actual survivors posting on this thread.

I'm not telling the OP to counsel his DD not to report, I'm just saying that the experience of reporting has its own associated trauma. The OP is asking how to support his DD. Hounding her to report while neglecting other aspects of support, and taking away her agency by implying that it's wrong to make a decision that feels comfortable to her, is not supporting her. Encouraging her to report, maybe, but it needs to be done in a supportive way.

It's really disturbing to me that you work with sexual assault victims and yet are so willing to dismiss our experiences and feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

+1. Women need to report these men. Otherwise its the same "snitches get stitches" culture that allows men to go on assaulting women with impunity. It sucks, but that's life.

This is correct, and the statistics that other PPs acknowledge prove that lack of reporting when incidents occur allow for not only the culture of assault to continue, but also allow law enforcement and communities to ignore it (heck protect it even). If someone’s home was burglarized, you would encourage them to call the police and make a report. Even though that persons safety, security and privacy has been violated you would expect them to make a report. And while assault is a different type of safety, security, and privacy violation, reporting it has the same purpose and power. It’s a record of a wrong doing. It’s requesting(demanding) that justice be sought. It’s stating that as a supporter you will stand beside them no matter what. Whether justice is achieved is a different story altogether. Assault survivors deserve to be heard, they deserve justice, and they deserve for us a society to STOP being okay with them suffering in fear and silence.

We tell kids that if they are bullied they should report it and get help. The same applies with assault, report it and get help.

To the OP, encouraging your DD to report this IS support, just as is being sure she gets the necessary help to mentally move through and past this terrible moment in life. This is not going to be easy for any of you, but the fact that you are here asking advice, and sending her stuff already, and talking to her, are first steps.

Please just shut up. Just shut up. NO ONE ACCUSES PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD A BREAK IN OF MAKING IT UP!!!! No one says 'Wow, I guess you learned not to go out for the day and leave your home unoccupied." or "If you hadn't made your lawn look so nice, they never would have been tempted."

Just shut up until you get some common sense.

Comparing rape to a break in is asinine. As Pp said, just shut up.

Mind you, I thought that way until I was raped. Go to the police? Possibly deal with court? I can guarantee you I would have carried through with my suicidal thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

So you are clueless to how she could be treated by the police?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

+1. Women need to report these men. Otherwise its the same "snitches get stitches" culture that allows men to go on assaulting women with impunity. It sucks, but that's life.

This is correct, and the statistics that other PPs acknowledge prove that lack of reporting when incidents occur allow for not only the culture of assault to continue, but also allow law enforcement and communities to ignore it (heck protect it even). If someone’s home was burglarized, you would encourage them to call the police and make a report. Even though that persons safety, security and privacy has been violated you would expect them to make a report. And [b]while assault is a different type of safety, security, and privacy violation, reporting it has the same purpose and power. [/b] It’s a record of a wrong doing. It’s requesting(demanding) that justice be sought. It’s stating that as a supporter you will stand beside them no matter what. Whether justice is achieved is a different story altogether. Assault survivors deserve to be heard, they deserve justice, and they deserve for us a society to STOP being okay with them suffering in fear and silence.

We tell kids that if they are bullied they should report it and get help. The same applies with assault, report it and get help.

To the OP, encouraging your DD to report this IS support, just as is being sure she gets the necessary help to mentally move through and past this terrible moment in life. This is not going to be easy for any of you, but the fact that you are here asking advice, and sending her stuff already, and talking to her, are first steps.

Please just shut up. Just shut up. NO ONE ACCUSES PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD A BREAK IN OF MAKING IT UP!!!! No one says 'Wow, I guess you learned not to go out for the day and leave your home unoccupied." or "If you hadn't made your lawn look so nice, they never would have been tempted."

Just shut up until you get some common sense.

Comparing rape to a break in is asinine. As Pp said, just shut up.

Mind you, I thought that way until I was raped. Go to the police? Possibly deal with court? I can guarantee you I would have carried through with my suicidal thoughts.

As is indicated in the post Assault is different from burglary. You assume I have no history, connection, or association with assault, and that asinine on your part. The comparison being made and the point of the statement, as has been indicated by many others here, including survivors and counseling workers/volunteers, is that encouraging reporting is support. It shouldn’t be the only support, but it should not be neglected.

I don’t know what you went through anymore that you know what I’ve been through. But counseling a parent or supporter not to be an advocate for an assault victim to report said assault is bad advice. No one said she should be pressured into reporting or dragged to a police station, but gentle supportive encouragement has been shown to work. And it advances healing. Not to mention it helps end the very practice of blaming and shaming the victim that you and the other PP fear.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. To best support her: (1) get counseling for yourself from a professional who can help you navigate this. Look specifically for counselors who work in trauma and sexual assault. (2) If she's interested in going to therapy, look online to help her find a provider (3) If she or her mom doesn't have the money, and you do, perhaps offering to pay for therapy. (4) Care packages in the mail with things she likes and can enjoy at home -- slippers, chocolate, etc (5) Cards in the mail that say you support her, you believe in her, that you've always been proud of her.

The best organization for this btw, on the off chance she is in the Carolinas, is Brave Step www.bravestep.org

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

x1000 I think too many people posting here have watched way too much bad tv and haven't worked with real victims like I and probably the PP have. What does the custodial parent say? It is surprising the custodial parent is supporting the silence.

Keep talking to your daughter OP and strongly encourage her to report the crime against her. Reporting the crime can actual bolster her confidence because she now becomes in charge of what happened instead of it being something that happened to her. Did she keep the clothing she was in? Did she take any pictures of bruises? She also would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist, whether that be a LCSW or a psychologist, about her experiences.

You and she might want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I bet both of you recognize many of the character traits of her boyfriend in the examples set forth in the book. It could be very helpful and healing for your daughter to see that this assault was NOT her fault and that it WAS the fault of the perpetrator.

A lot of us posting are "real" (what does that mean?) victims and are sharing our personal experiences. Thanks for invalidating them, though.

agree with survivor PP. other PP, I hope you don't work with many victims and really don't believe you do if you think pushing her to report something before she is ready is the best mode of action

Actually they sound like a cop.

+1. It sounds like someone who walks victims through one aspect of the early stages after a sexual assault, and then gets to wash their hands of her and move on to the next victim without seeing the long-term effects.