DH doesn't want to do skin to skin after baby's born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes it's a thing. that dads do , shouldn't that be obvious due to it being something he's declinign?


Honestly, this is just another thing that he's been resistant to about the baby. He didn't want to read any pregnancy or parenting books. He did finally look at some websites. He didn't see the need to set up a nursery. I did most of the selection for the registry. The research on cribs, nursery colors, car seats, feeding, etc.

The thing is he swears he's always wanted, kids. Cried when he found we were expecting, called everyone.

She's supposed to be here in less than a week and he's all non chalant about it and now the no skin to skin thing is bugging me

Ahhh. This is the real problem. Skin to skin or not, whatever, its fine. But it sounds like you've doing everything to prepare for this baby, and he is doing nothing and THAT is a problem. And don't rely on people who say "oh, well, he'll be different when the baby is born." That is not a guarantee!! There are literally hundreds of posts on this site about father's not holding up their share of housework, household management and childcare. I believe strongly that you should address this now.

First - separate out the "wants" and the "needs" - nursery setup/design/colors - that's just fun stuff that has no bearing on your baby. But research on car seats? Strollers? Other stuff? Setting up the registry? Reading books about parenting? To me, those are all things that should be done, and you got stuck holding the bag. That's what I would focus my attention on. Sample script (adjust to fit your voice):

"Hey - I've been really upset about the skin-to-skin thing, and I've realized upon further thought, that what's really bothering me is that it seems like I'm doing all the work to prepare for this baby, and you've done none. I researched strollers and car seats. I read books about pregnancy to make sure I would be giving our baby the best start. I setup the registry. I've been handling all the thank you notes. I've been getting the nursery organized. I'm reading parenting books. And, unless there's stuff I'm missing, you haven't done anything. I think this sets us up on the wrong path. I want to be equal partners and equal parents."

Then, give him a chance to talk. Listen. See what he says. If he's amenable, maybe parcel out some of the other stuff that needs to be done over the next year (before baby turns 1). Presumably you need to research, select, and enroll in childcare. You need to introduce solid foods and wean baby. You'll need to find a pediatrician, make a million appointments, and get to them. You'll need to figure out if/how you're going to sleep train and implement that. Make a list, of these broad categories, and see if you can get him to "own" a few of them. Ex: My husband handled the nanny search and payroll, and handles all baby food (outside of milk) and weaning. I only think about these things when he brings something to me with a question or decision that he wants my input on. See if you can find some areas to step away from.

Maybe I'm just projecting (because if it really is the skin to skin thing, you are being silly) but it seems like under this, you've got a very valid complaint that should be addressed NOW.

[Anonymous]

Love hearing from people who had babies 27 years ago about how skin to skin is pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes it's a thing. that dads do , shouldn't that be obvious due to it being something he's declinign?


Honestly, this is just another thing that he's been resistant to about the baby. He didn't want to read any pregnancy or parenting books. He did finally look at some websites. He didn't see the need to set up a nursery. I did most of the selection for the registry. The research on cribs, nursery colors, car seats, feeding, etc.

The thing is he swears he's always wanted, kids. Cried when he found we were expecting, called everyone.

She's supposed to be here in less than a week and he's all non chalant about it and now the no skin to skin thing is bugging me

Ahhh. This is the real problem. Skin to skin or not, whatever, its fine. But it sounds like you've doing everything to prepare for this baby, and he is doing nothing and THAT is a problem. And don't rely on people who say "oh, well, he'll be different when the baby is born." That is not a guarantee!! There are literally hundreds of posts on this site about father's not holding up their share of housework, household management and childcare. I believe strongly that you should address this now.

First - separate out the "wants" and the "needs" - nursery setup/design/colors - that's just fun stuff that has no bearing on your baby. But research on car seats? Strollers? Other stuff? Setting up the registry? Reading books about parenting? To me, those are all things that should be done, and you got stuck holding the bag. That's what I would focus my attention on. Sample script (adjust to fit your voice):

"Hey - I've been really upset about the skin-to-skin thing, and I've realized upon further thought, that what's really bothering me is that it seems like I'm doing all the work to prepare for this baby, and you've done none. I researched strollers and car seats. I read books about pregnancy to make sure I would be giving our baby the best start. I setup the registry. I've been handling all the thank you notes. I've been getting the nursery organized. I'm reading parenting books. And, unless there's stuff I'm missing, you haven't done anything. I think this sets us up on the wrong path. I want to be equal partners and equal parents."

Then, give him a chance to talk. Listen. See what he says. If he's amenable, maybe parcel out some of the other stuff that needs to be done over the next year (before baby turns 1). Presumably you need to research, select, and enroll in childcare. You need to introduce solid foods and wean baby. You'll need to find a pediatrician, make a million appointments, and get to them. You'll need to figure out if/how you're going to sleep train and implement that. Make a list, of these broad categories, and see if you can get him to "own" a few of them. Ex: My husband handled the nanny search and payroll, and handles all baby food (outside of milk) and weaning. I only think about these things when he brings something to me with a question or decision that he wants my input on. See if you can find some areas to step away from.

Maybe I'm just projecting (because if it really is the skin to skin thing, you are being silly) but it seems like under this, you've got a very valid complaint that should be addressed NOW.

You sound just like the pp who got her 3-year-old to freak out about the fire Santa truck parade! Long-winded, incoherent, focused on nothing of importance, and self-absorbed. You imagine yourself a wellness therapist? LOL! Of course, your DH handles almost everything. You are focused on "reading" about things and can't DO things. Incompetent. While you are reading parenting books he is doing the parenting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes it's a thing. that dads do , shouldn't that be obvious due to it being something he's declinign?


Honestly, this is just another thing that he's been resistant to about the baby. He didn't want to read any pregnancy or parenting books. He did finally look at some websites. He didn't see the need to set up a nursery. I did most of the selection for the registry. The research on cribs, nursery colors, car seats, feeding, etc.

The thing is he swears he's always wanted, kids. Cried when he found we were expecting, called everyone.

She's supposed to be here in less than a week and he's all non chalant about it and now the no skin to skin thing is bugging me

Ahhh. This is the real problem. Skin to skin or not, whatever, its fine. But it sounds like you've doing everything to prepare for this baby, and he is doing nothing and THAT is a problem. And don't rely on people who say "oh, well, he'll be different when the baby is born." That is not a guarantee!! There are literally hundreds of posts on this site about father's not holding up their share of housework, household management and childcare. I believe strongly that you should address this now.

First - separate out the "wants" and the "needs" - nursery setup/design/colors - that's just fun stuff that has no bearing on your baby. But research on car seats? Strollers? Other stuff? Setting up the registry? Reading books about parenting? To me, those are all things that should be done, and you got stuck holding the bag. That's what I would focus my attention on. Sample script (adjust to fit your voice):

"Hey - I've been really upset about the skin-to-skin thing, and I've realized upon further thought, that what's really bothering me is that it seems like I'm doing all the work to prepare for this baby, and you've done none. I researched strollers and car seats. I read books about pregnancy to make sure I would be giving our baby the best start. I setup the registry. I've been handling all the thank you notes. I've been getting the nursery organized. I'm reading parenting books. And, unless there's stuff I'm missing, you haven't done anything. I think this sets us up on the wrong path. I want to be equal partners and equal parents."

Then, give him a chance to talk. Listen. See what he says. If he's amenable, maybe parcel out some of the other stuff that needs to be done over the next year (before baby turns 1). Presumably you need to research, select, and enroll in childcare. You need to introduce solid foods and wean baby. You'll need to find a pediatrician, make a million appointments, and get to them. You'll need to figure out if/how you're going to sleep train and implement that. Make a list, of these broad categories, and see if you can get him to "own" a few of them. Ex: My husband handled the nanny search and payroll, and handles all baby food (outside of milk) and weaning. I only think about these things when he brings something to me with a question or decision that he wants my input on. See if you can find some areas to step away from.

Maybe I'm just projecting (because if it really is the skin to skin thing, you are being silly) but it seems like under this, you've got a very valid complaint that should be addressed NOW.

You sound just like the pp who got her 3-year-old to freak out about the fire Santa truck parade! Long-winded, incoherent, focused on nothing of importance, and self-absorbed. You imagine yourself a wellness therapist? LOL! Of course, your DH handles almost everything. You are focused on "reading" about things and can't DO things. Incompetent. While you are reading parenting books he is doing the parenting!

This is the PP. W.O.W. Looks like I struck a nerve!

[Anonymous]

OP, you are stressed, hormonal and don't have the benefit of years and years of experience and perspective to decide what is important and what is just "noise". As a mom of two now teens, I can tell you, that dad doing S2S is part of the "noise". So is the nursery, baby book, registry, and whatever else you are upset about right now. In the grand scheme of things, it does not matter.

I agree with a PP that having a conversation with your DH about how you are hoping that he will be a more active participant in your parenting journey going forward is a good idea, but as far as what is a realistic expectation for things that would truly require his participation vs. what is "noise", you may want to find a couple of good friends with some experience and perspective, and run these by them if you are uncertain. It is really hard to see the forest for the trees when you are so deep in the trenches, hormonal, sleep deprived, etc.

Good luck and try to relax and enjoy your baby! Things will fall into place eventually, and you guys will get into a parenting groove pretty naturally if you just give it some time and patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are stressed, hormonal and don't have the benefit of years and years of experience and perspective to decide what is important and what is just "noise". As a mom of two now teens, I can tell you, that dad doing S2S is part of the "noise". So is the nursery, baby book, registry, and whatever else you are upset about right now. In the grand scheme of things, it does not matter.

I agree with a PP that having a conversation with your DH about how you are hoping that he will be a more active participant in your parenting journey going forward is a good idea, but as far as what is a realistic expectation for things that would truly require his participation vs. what is "noise", you may want to find a couple of good friends with some experience and perspective, and run these by them if you are uncertain. It is really hard to see the forest for the trees when you are so deep in the trenches, hormonal, sleep deprived, etc.

Good luck and try to relax and enjoy your baby! Things will fall into place eventually, and you guys will get into a parenting groove pretty naturally if you just give it some time and patience.

Agree! You need to be discussing who will do what once baby arrives. I told DH, “I take care of baby, you take care of me and my mom takes care of meals and cleaning” (I know I was lucky to have her around.) That gave DH a concrete job and focus. Look out for me, make sure I’m fed and rested. And obviously, that meant he took care of baby too. But we weren’t both focused on the baby and neglecting ourselves.

We also discussed what “schedule” we were going to have. Not what schedule the baby would be on (he wasn’t), but our schedule. He was going back to work in 2 weeks, so what was that going to look like?
During the week, I was responsible for baby until 3am (I’m a night owl). He took care of baby from 3am until 7am when he went to work. On weekends, he would let me sleep in until my boobs told me to wake up.
I was so glad we discussed this before baby had arrived. We were so tired and frustrated (BF was not going well) and I’m not sure we could’ve thought straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes it's a thing. that dads do , shouldn't that be obvious due to it being something he's declinign?


Honestly, this is just another thing that he's been resistant to about the baby. He didn't want to read any pregnancy or parenting books. He did finally look at some websites. He didn't see the need to set up a nursery. I did most of the selection for the registry. The research on cribs, nursery colors, car seats, feeding, etc.

The thing is he swears he's always wanted, kids. Cried when he found we were expecting, called everyone.

She's supposed to be here in less than a week and he's all non chalant about it and now the no skin to skin thing is bugging me

Ahhh. This is the real problem. Skin to skin or not, whatever, its fine. But it sounds like you've doing everything to prepare for this baby, and he is doing nothing and THAT is a problem. And don't rely on people who say "oh, well, he'll be different when the baby is born." That is not a guarantee!! There are literally hundreds of posts on this site about father's not holding up their share of housework, household management and childcare. I believe strongly that you should address this now.

First - separate out the "wants" and the "needs" - nursery setup/design/colors - that's just fun stuff that has no bearing on your baby. But research on car seats? Strollers? Other stuff? Setting up the registry? Reading books about parenting? To me, those are all things that should be done, and you got stuck holding the bag. That's what I would focus my attention on. Sample script (adjust to fit your voice):

"Hey - I've been really upset about the skin-to-skin thing, and I've realized upon further thought, that what's really bothering me is that it seems like I'm doing all the work to prepare for this baby, and you've done none. I researched strollers and car seats. I read books about pregnancy to make sure I would be giving our baby the best start. I setup the registry. I've been handling all the thank you notes. I've been getting the nursery organized. I'm reading parenting books. And, unless there's stuff I'm missing, you haven't done anything. I think this sets us up on the wrong path. I want to be equal partners and equal parents."

Then, give him a chance to talk. Listen. See what he says. If he's amenable, maybe parcel out some of the other stuff that needs to be done over the next year (before baby turns 1). Presumably you need to research, select, and enroll in childcare. You need to introduce solid foods and wean baby. You'll need to find a pediatrician, make a million appointments, and get to them. You'll need to figure out if/how you're going to sleep train and implement that. Make a list, of these broad categories, and see if you can get him to "own" a few of them. Ex: My husband handled the nanny search and payroll, and handles all baby food (outside of milk) and weaning. I only think about these things when he brings something to me with a question or decision that he wants my input on. See if you can find some areas to step away from.

Maybe I'm just projecting (because if it really is the skin to skin thing, you are being silly) but it seems like under this, you've got a very valid complaint that should be addressed NOW.

You sound just like the pp who got her 3-year-old to freak out about the fire Santa truck parade! Long-winded, incoherent, focused on nothing of importance, and self-absorbed. You imagine yourself a wellness therapist? LOL! Of course, your DH handles almost everything. You are focused on "reading" about things and can't DO things. Incompetent. While you are reading parenting books he is doing the parenting!

This is the PP. W.O.W. Looks like I struck a nerve!

Don't flatter yourself. Though, you clearly can't help it out. You are one of those that thinks she sh*ts gold out of her rear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes it's a thing. that dads do , shouldn't that be obvious due to it being something he's declinign?


Honestly, this is just another thing that he's been resistant to about the baby. He didn't want to read any pregnancy or parenting books. He did finally look at some websites. He didn't see the need to set up a nursery. I did most of the selection for the registry. The research on cribs, nursery colors, car seats, feeding, etc.

The thing is he swears he's always wanted, kids. Cried when he found we were expecting, called everyone.

She's supposed to be here in less than a week and he's all non chalant about it and now the no skin to skin thing is bugging me

I know DCUMers love to say their partners do their share of the parenting, but in my experience OP this is what happens in real life. The mom does all the planning and researching and organizing and the dad is along for the ride and celebrating the accomplishments. Welcome to motherhood!

+1000 all the moms I know (including myself) do 90% of the hard work. My husband loves being a father and my kids adore him. They are super bonded. Most of what he does with them is fun stuff (he isn't planning the doctor appointments, thinking about gear, making sure they have winter coats and boots in the right sizes, planning or preparing many of their meals, general "mom" mental load stuff that you read about).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes it's a thing. that dads do , shouldn't that be obvious due to it being something he's declinign?


Honestly, this is just another thing that he's been resistant to about the baby. He didn't want to read any pregnancy or parenting books. He did finally look at some websites. He didn't see the need to set up a nursery. I did most of the selection for the registry. The research on cribs, nursery colors, car seats, feeding, etc.

The thing is he swears he's always wanted, kids. Cried when he found we were expecting, called everyone.

She's supposed to be here in less than a week and he's all non chalant about it and now the no skin to skin thing is bugging me

Ahhh. This is the real problem. Skin to skin or not, whatever, its fine. But it sounds like you've doing everything to prepare for this baby, and he is doing nothing and THAT is a problem. And don't rely on people who say "oh, well, he'll be different when the baby is born." That is not a guarantee!! There are literally hundreds of posts on this site about father's not holding up their share of housework, household management and childcare. I believe strongly that you should address this now.

First - separate out the "wants" and the "needs" - nursery setup/design/colors - that's just fun stuff that has no bearing on your baby. But research on car seats? Strollers? Other stuff? Setting up the registry? Reading books about parenting? To me, those are all things that should be done, and you got stuck holding the bag. That's what I would focus my attention on. Sample script (adjust to fit your voice):

"Hey - I've been really upset about the skin-to-skin thing, and I've realized upon further thought, that what's really bothering me is that it seems like I'm doing all the work to prepare for this baby, and you've done none. I researched strollers and car seats. I read books about pregnancy to make sure I would be giving our baby the best start. I setup the registry. I've been handling all the thank you notes. I've been getting the nursery organized. I'm reading parenting books. And, unless there's stuff I'm missing, you haven't done anything. I think this sets us up on the wrong path. I want to be equal partners and equal parents."

Then, give him a chance to talk. Listen. See what he says. If he's amenable, maybe parcel out some of the other stuff that needs to be done over the next year (before baby turns 1). Presumably you need to research, select, and enroll in childcare. You need to introduce solid foods and wean baby. You'll need to find a pediatrician, make a million appointments, and get to them. You'll need to figure out if/how you're going to sleep train and implement that. Make a list, of these broad categories, and see if you can get him to "own" a few of them. Ex: My husband handled the nanny search and payroll, and handles all baby food (outside of milk) and weaning. I only think about these things when he brings something to me with a question or decision that he wants my input on. See if you can find some areas to step away from.

Maybe I'm just projecting (because if it really is the skin to skin thing, you are being silly) but it seems like under this, you've got a very valid complaint that should be addressed NOW.

You sound just like the pp who got her 3-year-old to freak out about the fire Santa truck parade! Long-winded, incoherent, focused on nothing of importance, and self-absorbed. You imagine yourself a wellness therapist? LOL! Of course, your DH handles almost everything. You are focused on "reading" about things and can't DO things. Incompetent. While you are reading parenting books he is doing the parenting!

This is the PP. W.O.W. Looks like I struck a nerve!

Don't flatter yourself. Though, you clearly can't help it out. You are one of those that thinks she sh*ts gold out of her rear.

Wow - different poster here, but I think this original PP hit the nail on the head and had really good points. Points that I want to use in a discussion with my own husband, so thanks PP! I'm not really understanding jumping down her throat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes it's a thing. that dads do , shouldn't that be obvious due to it being something he's declinign?


Honestly, this is just another thing that he's been resistant to about the baby. He didn't want to read any pregnancy or parenting books. He did finally look at some websites. He didn't see the need to set up a nursery. I did most of the selection for the registry. The research on cribs, nursery colors, car seats, feeding, etc.

The thing is he swears he's always wanted, kids. Cried when he found we were expecting, called everyone.

She's supposed to be here in less than a week and he's all non chalant about it and now the no skin to skin thing is bugging me

Ahhh. This is the real problem. Skin to skin or not, whatever, its fine. But it sounds like you've doing everything to prepare for this baby, and he is doing nothing and THAT is a problem. And don't rely on people who say "oh, well, he'll be different when the baby is born." That is not a guarantee!! There are literally hundreds of posts on this site about father's not holding up their share of housework, household management and childcare. I believe strongly that you should address this now.

First - separate out the "wants" and the "needs" - nursery setup/design/colors - that's just fun stuff that has no bearing on your baby. But research on car seats? Strollers? Other stuff? Setting up the registry? Reading books about parenting? To me, those are all things that should be done, and you got stuck holding the bag. That's what I would focus my attention on. Sample script (adjust to fit your voice):

"Hey - I've been really upset about the skin-to-skin thing, and I've realized upon further thought, that what's really bothering me is that it seems like I'm doing all the work to prepare for this baby, and you've done none. I researched strollers and car seats. I read books about pregnancy to make sure I would be giving our baby the best start. I setup the registry. I've been handling all the thank you notes. I've been getting the nursery organized. I'm reading parenting books. And, unless there's stuff I'm missing, you haven't done anything. I think this sets us up on the wrong path. I want to be equal partners and equal parents."

Then, give him a chance to talk. Listen. See what he says. If he's amenable, maybe parcel out some of the other stuff that needs to be done over the next year (before baby turns 1). Presumably you need to research, select, and enroll in childcare. You need to introduce solid foods and wean baby. You'll need to find a pediatrician, make a million appointments, and get to them. You'll need to figure out if/how you're going to sleep train and implement that. Make a list, of these broad categories, and see if you can get him to "own" a few of them. Ex: My husband handled the nanny search and payroll, and handles all baby food (outside of milk) and weaning. I only think about these things when he brings something to me with a question or decision that he wants my input on. See if you can find some areas to step away from.

Maybe I'm just projecting (because if it really is the skin to skin thing, you are being silly) but it seems like under this, you've got a very valid complaint that should be addressed NOW.

You sound just like the pp who got her 3-year-old to freak out about the fire Santa truck parade! Long-winded, incoherent, focused on nothing of importance, and self-absorbed. You imagine yourself a wellness therapist? LOL! Of course, your DH handles almost everything. You are focused on "reading" about things and can't DO things. Incompetent. While you are reading parenting books he is doing the parenting!

This is the PP. W.O.W. Looks like I struck a nerve!

Don't flatter yourself. Though, you clearly can't help it out. You are one of those that thinks she sh*ts gold out of her rear.

Wow - different poster here, but I think this original PP hit the nail on the head and had really good points. Points that I want to use in a discussion with my own husband, so thanks PP! I'm not really understanding jumping down her throat.

Yet another bored housewife?!

[Anonymous]

To above, no, not a housewife. I work full time. Sheesh you are a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are stressed, hormonal and don't have the benefit of years and years of experience and perspective to decide what is important and what is just "noise". As a mom of two now teens, I can tell you, that dad doing S2S is part of the "noise". So is the nursery, baby book, registry, and whatever else you are upset about right now. In the grand scheme of things, it does not matter.

I agree with a PP that having a conversation with your DH about how you are hoping that he will be a more active participant in your parenting journey going forward is a good idea, but as far as what is a realistic expectation for things that would truly require his participation vs. what is "noise", you may want to find a couple of good friends with some experience and perspective, and run these by them if you are uncertain. It is really hard to see the forest for the trees when you are so deep in the trenches, hormonal, sleep deprived, etc.

Good luck and try to relax and enjoy your baby! Things will fall into place eventually, and you guys will get into a parenting groove pretty naturally if you just give it some time and patience.

Except you are wrong and no amount of years of perspective and experience gets you around the idea that when you know better you do better. Dads are more likely to feel bonded to their newborn children when doing S2S. More bonding= taking on more caregiving responsibilities.

I agree that the materialistic consumeristic BS isnt worth getting upset about but science. Yeah no, science and his lack of understanding regarding his role as a father is worth getting upset about. Having an invested partner is worth getting upset about. If he thinks S2S is weird, what will he think about poop, urine, poop in the bath, vomit, snot, the god awful smell of some formulas, spit up, drool, the umbilical cord rotting and falling off, applying ointment to a circumcised penis not to mention all of the other things that have to be dealt with if you have a medically complicated or fragile child.

[Anonymous]

Where is the “he must have autism” poster?

[Anonymous]

I had an emergency c section and my husband did skin to skin in my place. If you are in a similar situation then yes, I would be upset if/when DH refuses. But it is very likely you will be the one giving skin to skin after birth.