If you don’t have that best friend mother-daughter relationship, how come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was very controlling when I was growing up. She never learned to let go and stop parenting. As an adult I always felt smothered and not heard. She also used me as her therapist and it's all sorts of boundary-crossing dysfunction. We loved each fiercely, but we never had a normal, healthy adult relationship.

This is me and my mother to a T. She's also at the same time extremely emotionally distant and judgmental.

Her mother was an alcoholic. I learned a few years ago that this behavior is typical with children of alcoholics. Learning about setting boundaries with her really helps, but it's a constant effort on my part and exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Because she abandoned me, and tries to reach out to me and my siblings like it never happened. We were never adopted, or in care either.

Just abandoned.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread was sad and hard to read. My mom is my best friend and has been my whole life. Just hard to read about abuse and disfunction. I hope I’m being a good mom to my daughters and I try so hard. My mom is my best fiend and I talk to her daily. In fact my parents live a few blocks away so my kids can walk home with them from school. I can’t imagine a better mother. But my sister doesn’t get along with our mom and hates her. I’ve tried to look into their relationship and where it went wrong but it seems from nothing. My mom isn’t perfect but damn she’s perfect to me. I even love my moms flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mother to daughters and am close to them and love them with all my heart, but they need me to be their mother, not a best friend. It was the same with my own mother. My sisters, however, I would consider best friends.

How old are they? After 18 or 22 it changes drastically. My mom became my best friend. Sisters no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am reading all the above and it makes me wonder if we have an ideal, media influenced image of what mom should be. Maybe all the stories above (with a few exceptions) are more what real moms are? Like, one of the poster complained that mom using her as a therapist. Isn't it what family for? To discuss all the problems together?

I love my mom a lot, but we are not best friends. She did a lot of things mentioned in several posts above, and I hated our relationship when I was a teen. However, once I had my own kids, I became more understanding why she acted like that. My older daughter is turning 20 this year and I am always thinking about what do I want our relations to be. I feel like this is totally a blank page now and even though we had great relations with her when she was a child, it does not guarantee that we are going to have it as two adults.

I would love to hear what people think mother should do to make relations better?

Here are some suggestions:

1.) Appreciate your daughter for who she is and do not constantly talk about how amazing/perfect other people's daughters are or your own other daughter is. this never goes well.
My mother puts on pedestals people who would never meet her ridiculous standards. I could do backflips and not be good enough, but her friend's daughter who spends endless money on designer purses, fancy decor and other BS, never valued education and who was a mean girl in highschool is a saint because she visits her mother often with the grandchildren. Her mother treats her like a princess and was her personal nanny, something my mother would never have offered. Otherwise this girl is everything my mother thinks makes a person a loser, yet my mother cannot stop talking about what a good daughter" she is.

2.) Do not give advice to an adult daughter unless she asks for your advice or is really screwing up big time.

3.) Fear, Guilt and Obligation are not good tactics. There is a reason an entire website is dedicated to coming out of the FOG.

4.) Keep healthy boundaries. Don't complain about the father to your daughter, whether you are married or not, it is not OK. Do not complain about other siblings to your daughter. Do not discuss your sex life with her.

5.) If you can't say something GENUINELY kind, think long and hard before you say it.

6.) If you want a friendship with an ADULT child, then make sure your tone of voice matches that. If you use your "I am your mothah and I know best tone..." fuhgetaboutit!

I’m the pp that loves my mom. I think I truly enjoy my mom. We share a love of decorating. We also love my daughters immensely. Things my mom has done (versus my MIL who is also awesome but is only a distant loving figure):
My mom was there when babies were born. She didn’t say it was my responsibility like my in-laws did. Which mostly hurt when 2 and 3 were born and they thought Dh should watch them instead of being there for the birth. I still can’t get over my MIL never even asking who was watching my kids for the birth and she’s local and my parents aren’t. I had friends lined up until my parents got here.
My mom always gives more than she takes. I hate to be a taker but I’m just needy at this stage in my life still. Maybe when my kids are older it will be easier. My parents always think of ways to help. I fully expect to give back to both my parents and my kids later in my life when they need it.

[Anonymous]

My mother (and deceased father) always favored my brother -- never imposing any limits on him and lavishing him with material gifts like land and other RE. It became too much to ignore when my father's will came out. Without airing all the dirty laundry, this brother is not a good person by anyone's definition. So while I love my mother and try to keep in touch with her fairly often, it's hard not to be hurt by the favoritism and other choices she's made. That said, I have my own very close family 400 miles away, and I try not to let it make me bitter. But no, we are not best friends by any means.

[Anonymous]

Hello - any advice on how to find a therapist or psychologist to work through some related issues regarding mother-daughter relationships? NoVA preferred. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

In my family I was and still am very close with my sister, 2 years younger than me. I love my parents and get along with them but we've never been that close. They were very career driven and while they always provided well for us, they were never incredibly affectionate towards us nor gave that much time for us, hence why my sister and I were joined at the hip growing up. We are a bit closer now and have get together from time to time. My fiancee however does have that best frie d relationship with her parents which I am a little jealous of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mother to daughters and am close to them and love them with all my heart, but they need me to be their mother, not a best friend. It was the same with my own mother. My sisters, however, I would consider best friends.

How old are they? After 18 or 22 it changes drastically. My mom became my best friend. Sisters no.

19 and 22. I want to be their Mom, not their best friend.

[Anonymous]

The deep reason why that I don't have that mother-daughter relationship is because she is broken. She's codependent, anxious, depressed. She knows nothing about me because she's never bothered asking anything about me. The only way she knows how to relate to me is to unload her anxieties on to me, and to continue to view me as her golden child who must be perfect and can do no wrong. When I fall out of line with that, she just can't handle the anxiety of it as she only sees me as a reflection of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread was sad and hard to read. My mom is my best friend and has been my whole life. Just hard to read about abuse and disfunction. I hope I’m being a good mom to my daughters and I try so hard. My mom is my best fiend and I talk to her daily. In fact my parents live a few blocks away so my kids can walk home with them from school. I can’t imagine a better mother. But my sister doesn’t get along with our mom and hates her. I’ve tried to look into their relationship and where it went wrong but it seems from nothing. My mom isn’t perfect but damn she’s perfect to me. I even love my moms flaws.

There's chance your family had the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic. GC rarely question things unless they fall off the throne.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am reading all the above and it makes me wonder if we have an ideal, media influenced image of what mom should be. Maybe all the stories above (with a few exceptions) are more what real moms are? Like, one of the poster complained that mom using her as a therapist. Isn't it what family for? To discuss all the problems together?

I love my mom a lot, but we are not best friends. She did a lot of things mentioned in several posts above, and I hated our relationship when I was a teen. However, once I had my own kids, I became more understanding why she acted like that. My older daughter is turning 20 this year and I am always thinking about what do I want our relations to be. I feel like this is totally a blank page now and even though we had great relations with her when she was a child, it does not guarantee that we are going to have it as two adults.

I would love to hear what people think mother should do to make relations better?

DP. Please, resist the urge to treat your DD that way. That’s a form of “role swapping” and she will/would very likely resent it.

+1 Boundaries are vital to health families. Parents should discuss their problems with eachother or other adults at the same level power-wise in the family. It is a huge boundary violation and power play when a parent parentifies the child, even an adult child. It is particularly awful for one parent to complain about the other to the child, again even adult child. If there is no appropriate person to confide in, the parent should get therapy, not burden their offspring.

[Anonymous]

Because my dad is an abusive narcissistic alcoholic and my mom constantly defends him and makes excuses for his behavior.