Reply to If you don’t have that best friend mother-daughter relationship, how come?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am reading all the above and it makes me wonder if we have an ideal, media influenced image of what mom should be. Maybe all the stories above (with a few exceptions) are more what real moms are? Like, one of the poster complained that mom using her as a therapist. Isn't it what family for? To discuss all the problems together?

I love my mom a lot, but we are not best friends. She did a lot of things mentioned in several posts above, and I hated our relationship when I was a teen. However, once I had my own kids, I became more understanding why she acted like that. My older daughter is turning 20 this year and I am always thinking about what do I want our relations to be. I feel like this is totally a blank page now and even though we had great relations with her when she was a child, it does not guarantee that we are going to have it as two adults.

I would love to hear [b]what people think mother should do to make relations better?[/b] [/quote]

Here are some suggestions:

1.) Appreciate your daughter for who she is and do not constantly talk about how amazing/perfect other people's daughters are or your own other daughter is. this never goes well.
My mother puts on pedestals people who would never meet her ridiculous standards. I could do backflips and not be good enough, but her friend's daughter who spends endless money on designer purses, fancy decor and other BS, never valued education and who was a mean girl in highschool is a saint because she visits her mother often with the grandchildren. Her mother treats her like a princess and was her personal nanny, something my mother would never have offered. Otherwise this girl is everything my mother thinks makes a person a loser, yet my mother cannot stop talking about what a good daughter" she is.

2.) Do not give advice to an adult daughter unless she asks for your advice or is really screwing up big time.

3.) Fear, Guilt and Obligation are not good tactics. There is a reason an entire website is dedicated to coming out of the FOG.

4.) Keep healthy boundaries. Don't complain about the father to your daughter, whether you are married or not, it is not OK. Do not complain about other siblings to your daughter. Do not discuss your sex life with her.

5.) If you can't say something GENUINELY kind, think long and hard before you say it.

6.) If you want a friendship with an ADULT child, then make sure your tone of voice matches that. If you use your "I am your mothah and I know best tone..." fuhgetaboutit!

[/quote]

I’m the pp that loves my mom. I think I truly enjoy my mom. We share a love of decorating. We also love my daughters immensely. Things my mom has done (versus my MIL who is also awesome but is only a distant loving figure):
My mom was there when babies were born. She didn’t say it was my responsibility like my in-laws did. Which mostly hurt when 2 and 3 were born and they thought Dh should watch them instead of being there for the birth. I still can’t get over my MIL never even asking who was watching my kids for the birth and she’s local and my parents aren’t. I had friends lined up until my parents got here. 
My mom always gives more than she takes. I hate to be a taker but I’m just needy at this stage in my life still. Maybe when my kids are older it will be easier. My parents always think of ways to help. I fully expect to give back to both my parents and my kids later in my life when they need it. [/quote]

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