If you don’t have that best friend mother-daughter relationship, how come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has emotional regulation issues stemming from childhood abuse. She's emotional fragile and passive aggressive. We both want a closer relationship but it's difficult.

I think that's a good way to describe my mother as well. I am emotionally distant like my father and that doesn't help.

[Anonymous]

I can only be close with my mother when her life is luxurious. When she retired in her 50s from her part time job, had an empty nest and spent summers vacationing in Europe with dad, I could be close to her. She had plenty of time to pamper herself and that made her a much nicer person. Stress makes her verbally abusive and nasty. When stressed she also scapegoats and shows some narcissist and borderline tendencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:B/c she has her own friends and I have my own friends?

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

On point, but different version of the question: who is BFF with your mom? I’ma new poster, and my mom has tails in her background. She’s emotionally unavailable. But we get along, we talk, and I accept her for her limitations (after a LOT of my own therapy). She’s a kind and loving person, but she’s wounded so not really a vulnerable person. I have friends who are family by choice. These are my besties. I’m actually not sure it’s a mom’s job to be a friend. You’re the child and one day mom gets a disease so roles reverse when you take care of her as she did you. I have a teen daughter. I think we have a very open relationship, but I’m not trying to be her friend. I want her to trust me, but I want to encourage her to make good choices and find her own way in the world. What are conditions under which your mom is your best friend. It’s just foreign to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was very controlling when I was growing up. She never learned to let go and stop parenting. As an adult I always felt smothered and not heard. She also used me as her therapist and it's all sorts of boundary-crossing dysfunction. We loved each fiercely, but we never had a normal, healthy adult relationship.

Similar. My mom still second guesses everything I say or do. “Are you sure...?” “You don’t really want...?” At the same time I had to grow up quickly because she is unreliable. She hasn’t been there for me when I’ve needed her because she is too caught up in herself. My brother is much younger and I was relied upon to do a lot of mothering. When I was growing up she screamed and yelled and threw furniture. She can’t keep secrets. We get along and actually spend quite a bit of time together but I will never trust her or rely on her. It really really hurt me when she was too busy to do wedding planning stuff with me. She was too busy with her friends to spend time with me when I was getting ready on my wedding day. She spent so many years wanting to marry me off and there I was, alone in her bedroom getting my hair done. I cried. That was when I realized that she will never be the mother I wanted but she’s the mother I got and she’s too old to change. Accepting that has helped our relationship.

[Anonymous]

My mom is BPD and narcissistic as well. I just can’t handle having any type of contact with her at all anymore. She is way too volatile.

[Anonymous]

I am an only child. My mom wanted a boy and used to cut my hair really short and dress me like a boy. She would smile and be so happy when strangers would tell her she had a cute son, while I would feel mortified. When I hit puberty I started to experience male pattern baldness and I have never been able to find the root cause. As stupid, silly and crazy as it sounds, I just can’t help but to think she may have done something that permanently caused my hormone imbalance. I know it is most likely unrelated, but the psychological impact still haunts me. I am civil around her, but I can never feel really close to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has always despised me, finding fault with everything I’ve done in my life. The problem is that my dad has indirectly enabled her by not intervening.
Too bad I did not grow up in the USA.

I grew up in the USA and this is my story, too. Not sure why you'd think its different here, horrible people exist everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is BPD and narcissistic so we most definitely don’t have that relationship but I am curious about other people.

I am not sure your mom should be your best friend. I think we should be close but "friend" isnt the right word. I am a mom to daughters and of course have a mom. I hope my dd and mom have other people to fit the best friend role. We are close and I am a confidant and that is enough for me!

[Anonymous]

My mom and I are very different in certain ways. We have a great relationship as far as mother/daughter goes, but we are too different to be friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B/c she has her own friends and I have my own friends?

Thank you.

Jealousy. Sorry but this is some of it. My best friend is not my mom but she and I are incredibly close and would absolutely be friends if we met as adults. Of COURSE we both have our friends and we are also both incredibly tight with our siblings as friends- we are of different generations, you are close with those who you shared your life with. But that doesn't preclude these mother-daughter relationships and your flippant response is defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I are close, but we aren’t best friends. I always found that creepy. She is my mother, and was never interested in being a friend.

This.

I love my mom - she’s got her issues (as we all do) but overall she’s pretty awesome. We have fun together and generally get along well. But she’s MY MOM. I am not talking about my sex life with her. I’m just not. I save that for my same age friends.

This is me too. I consider myself very close to my mom, but we don't talk about EVERYTHING. It's still a mom/daughter relationship, not a friendship like I have with my peers. Of course, my mom also has her own friends, so that helps. She's supportive and generous and fun to be with. I hope I can cultivate the same type of relationship with my kids as they get older.

Same here. I love my mom, she's great, we have a good relationship, and we enjoy the time we spend together. We talk about a lot of things, but she's my mother, and there are some things we don't talk about.

Hmm. I don't talk about my sex life with my best friends either, not uptight or anything but what is there really to talk about unless you are having problems in that area? We definitely would laugh and joke about it or ask questions about our bodies and what the hell is going on with XYZ and stuff when we were single, etc., and then maybe again after having kids as far as body stuff/ checking in on what is normal vs. when to maybe seek some help...but now- I mean what could they possibly want or need to know about me having sex with my DH?

I COULD talk to them about something if I needed help but we really just don't

[Anonymous]

My mom alternated between being negative, yelling, or overbearing. She would then have these moments where she wanted me to “talk” to her with abstract requests to tell her all of my “feelings.” I’ve always been a private person anyway, but never had much desire to confide in her due to her negative behavior the rest of the time. So then she’d put and call me “cold.” Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B/c she has her own friends and I have my own friends?

Thank you.

+1

[Anonymous]

My mom was never equipped to be a mother. She wants to be mothered, to be taken care of, and manipulates to try to make it happen.