If you don’t have that best friend mother-daughter relationship, how come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is BPD and narcissistic so we most definitely don’t have that relationship but I am curious about other people.

Because codependency is bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom views everything through the lens of competition. I don't share anything about my life with her as it turns into one-upmanship by her or she uses it against me in the future. Hard to be close to someone when the only topics you can talk about are the weather and slow cooker recipes.

This is so my sister.

Sorry to clarify..it is how my sister is with me. I can't even talk about recipes with her. Just weather.

Were you compared to each other by parents when you were children? Just curious, because I have two daughters 5 years apart and I would hate if they develop this dynamics later in life.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mother to daughters and am close to them and love them with all my heart, but they need me to be their mother, not a best friend. It was the same with my own mother. My sisters, however, I would consider best friends.

[Anonymous]

PP here - also wanted to add that no one should be in a relationship that is bad for them - even with a parent, but don't beat yourself up either if you aren't bff's with a parent. It's an entirely different relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is deceased. We were friends prior, but a big barrier to us having a closer relationship was her obsession with my younger sister. We couldn’t have a visit or conversation where my mom didn’t bring her up excessively and when I pointed this out nicely my mom would say things like “well, I guess I just shouldn’t speak then.” And she would avidly defend the favoritism when it was so so so obvious to everyone, not just me. Yet she would get angry if anyone pointed it out. To my sister, our mother was a saint.

My mom is still alive but this 100% is why my mom and I are not close.

[Anonymous]

My mom is wonderful, and she has her own amazing friends, truly an enviable "circle of women" relationship. We have a very good mother/daughter relationship, but I never understood people who wanted to be "best friends" with a parent. So awkward to me. I also have my circle of friends. It is a different relationship that fills a different life need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is deceased. We were friends prior, but a big barrier to us having a closer relationship was her obsession with my younger sister. We couldn’t have a visit or conversation where my mom didn’t bring her up excessively and when I pointed this out nicely my mom would say things like “well, I guess I just shouldn’t speak then.” And she would avidly defend the favoritism when it was so so so obvious to everyone, not just me. Yet she would get angry if anyone pointed it out. To my sister, our mother was a saint.

My mom is still alive but this 100% is why my mom and I are not close.

DP and this is how it is with my mom too. My sister and my mother both treat me like I am the odd one in the family, lessen than them. At some point I just gave up because who can be bothered to feel awful around them all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is wonderful, and she has her own amazing friends, truly an enviable "circle of women" relationship. We have a very good mother/daughter relationship, but I never understood people who wanted to be "best friends" with a parent. So awkward to me. I also have my circle of friends. It is a different relationship that fills a different life need.

This. Also my mother happened to be emotionally distant, but I had this relationship with my dad. I have a 10 year old, though, who has some mental health issues. I worry she won't be like this with either her dad or me. It would be nice to have a good relationship with my daughter eventually...I'm actually a pretty nice person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am reading all the above and it makes me wonder if we have an ideal, media influenced image of what mom should be. Maybe all the stories above (with a few exceptions) are more what real moms are? Like, one of the poster complained that mom using her as a therapist. Isn't it what family for? To discuss all the problems together?

I love my mom a lot, but we are not best friends. She did a lot of things mentioned in several posts above, and I hated our relationship when I was a teen. However, once I had my own kids, I became more understanding why she acted like that. My older daughter is turning 20 this year and I am always thinking about what do I want our relations to be. I feel like this is totally a blank page now and even though we had great relations with her when she was a child, it does not guarantee that we are going to have it as two adults.

I would love to hear what people think mother should do to make relations better?

Here are some suggestions:

1.) Appreciate your daughter for who she is and do not constantly talk about how amazing/perfect other people's daughters are or your own other daughter is. this never goes well.
My mother puts on pedestals people who would never meet her ridiculous standards. I could do backflips and not be good enough, but her friend's daughter who spends endless money on designer purses, fancy decor and other BS, never valued education and who was a mean girl in highschool is a saint because she visits her mother often with the grandchildren. Her mother treats her like a princess and was her personal nanny, something my mother would never have offered. Otherwise this girl is everything my mother thinks makes a person a loser, yet my mother cannot stop talking about what a good daughter" she is.

2.) Do not give advice to an adult daughter unless she asks for your advice or is really screwing up big time.

3.) Fear, Guilt and Obligation are not good tactics. There is a reason an entire website is dedicated to coming out of the FOG.

4.) Keep healthy boundaries. Don't complain about the father to your daughter, whether you are married or not, it is not OK. Do not complain about other siblings to your daughter. Do not discuss your sex life with her.

5.) If you can't say something GENUINELY kind, think long and hard before you say it.

6.) If you want a friendship with an ADULT child, then make sure your tone of voice matches that. If you use your "I am your mothah and I know best tone..." fuhgetaboutit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B/c she has her own friends and I have my own friends?

Thank you.

Jealousy. Sorry but this is some of it. My best friend is not my mom but she and I are incredibly close and would absolutely be friends if we met as adults. Of COURSE we both have our friends and we are also both incredibly tight with our siblings as friends- we are of different generations, you are close with those who you shared your life with. But that doesn't preclude these mother-daughter relationships and your flippant response is defensive.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

My mother was very hands-off and wasn't very involved with my life when I was young but as I got older we became closer.We certainly didn't have a mother-daughter closeness when I was a teen- I just wanted to be with my friends and that was fine with her. I have no issues with the fact that we weren't close when I was young and kind of admire how my mother didn't get wrapped up in her kids lives.

[Anonymous]

My mother is a narcissist with BPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am reading all the above and it makes me wonder if we have an ideal, media influenced image of what mom should be. Maybe all the stories above (with a few exceptions) are more what real moms are? Like, one of the poster complained that mom using her as a therapist. Isn't it what family for? To discuss all the problems together?

I love my mom a lot, but we are not best friends. She did a lot of things mentioned in several posts above, and I hated our relationship when I was a teen. However, once I had my own kids, I became more understanding why she acted like that. My older daughter is turning 20 this year and I am always thinking about what do I want our relations to be. I feel like this is totally a blank page now and even though we had great relations with her when she was a child, it does not guarantee that we are going to have it as two adults.

I would love to hear what people think mother should do to make relations better?

DP. Please, resist the urge to treat your DD that way. That’s a form of “role swapping” and she will/would very likely resent it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom alternated between being negative, yelling, or overbearing. She would then have these moments where she wanted me to “talk” to her with abstract requests to tell her all of my “feelings.” I’ve always been a private person anyway, but never had much desire to confide in her due to her negative behavior the rest of the time. So then she’d put and call me “cold.” Rinse and repeat.

This describes how my mother was toward me, especially in high school/college, so perfectly- I’m surprised for some reason that others experienced this as well. My DH doesn’t understand why I don’t like to tell by mom anything personal and it’s hard for me to explain to him. I’ve always said “she’ll use any piece of information that she gets against me or make me feel stupid for feeling how I did about the situation later.”

[Anonymous]

My mother and I get along great and chit chat but we certainly aren't best friends. She made mistakes but compares to many she wasn't a bad mother at all. Being family doesn't mean you are all compatible as friends. I think sometimes my mother wishes we were closer but our relationship works for me.