How to keep the other woman away from my child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs to you. This is a really horrid situation and like others have said, there is NOTHING you can do about it unless she poses a physical threat to your child or is bringing drugs or abusing alcohol around your child. Otherwise judges Do. Not. Care.

Your child absolutely needs to feel free to have a relationship with their dad without any guilt or pressure from you. Don't make that difficult. Make it clear to your child that it makes you happy to know that she has fun when she is with her dad. Don't pepper her with questions about what happens at her dads house but when she does share stuff she enjoyed, show enthusiasm and tell her how cool it is that she has that kind of dad that does stuff like that with her.

As for the OW.... the tricky part here is going to be handling the elephant in the room. Does your child know this woman's role in your divorce? At 13, your child probably knows more than you think, and kids always, always find out about affairs. Always.

Be very careful about answering questions about the OW. The most current and modern research from child psychologists suggests that participating in the cover up of an infidelity in a situation like this can be lead to a second trauma for the child (the first being the divorce) when the eventually learn the truth and wonder why adults they thought they could trust lied to them. At the same time, we all know that 13 is a tough age and not all kids at that age are capable of understanding that parents are fallable, good people can make bad decisions, and that it is ok to love someone even if they did something very hurtful to someone else that you love. Because that's all some complicated and heavy shit that most adults struggle with.

In my case, the kids remembered the OW from before their dad and I were divorced. She was his secretary (how original, I know) and we had socialized with her family and children on several occasions.

We have never discussed her directly, but my child knows that their father had multiple girlfriends throughout the marriage. I don't think my child knows that his current whore is the one that ruined our marriage. They started "dating" when my child was an infant.

So why did you stay? you knew your husband was unfailthful since her infancy, why did you continue to have this drama as a daily part of her existence for 13 years, instead of cutting your losses early? You could have had 11-12 years to adjust and a new and healthy relationship for yourself.

Seem preferablly to hanging onto dead wait, and trying to sabotoge your child's relationship with her father because of your hurt feelings.

It was a complicated situation I wanted to keep my family together. Him being with several women didn't sting as much as him having a long relationship with one woman. That's not why I posted today. this isn't about me and I don't want to ruin my child's relationship with their father. My intention in keeping them away from the other woman is to protect them. I don't want them to be confused and feel that they have to choose between us. I am pretty sure the other woman can't have children so she will probably try to steal mine.

You sound unstable. You have done far more damage not leaving years ago. No one is trying to steal your kid. The only person who is confused is you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Find a therapist to talk to so you can get peace about it. You cannot control whether or not the other woman is in your life or in your child’s life, because your child is still also your ex’s child.

I’m sure this is very painful and I’m sorry, but you have to learn to live with it. The more you are at peace with it, the better it will be for your child.

I hear you, but how do I make peace with someone who blew up our whole world for another woman?

You only need to make enough peace that you aren't blowing up your child's world for you revenge, which is what a custody battle would do. Your child doesn't deserve that any more than you deserved what your husband did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

She has never met my child. Ex-DH told me that she was moving in when he dropped off our child last week.

Ok. That’s HUGE. He’s moving a woman into his house who the child has never met before.

Now on visitation there will be some strange woman there. That is mentally damaging to the child.

He is an awful, selfish parent to not have prepared the child or you.

I agree, this woman is being sprung on my child. I have told my child that their father had girlfriends during the marriage but they have never been forced to be around this woman. It's a truly heartbreaking situation.

I think you need to stop talking with your child about your relationship with your ex. Don’t put that on him/her. It’s adult business, not kid business.

Exactly. She is the one causing damage here. Not the other woman. I would have no problem with my ex remarrying... I would only care about that woman being kind to my child. That is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

She has never met my child. Ex-DH told me that she was moving in when he dropped off our child last week.

Ok. That’s HUGE. He’s moving a woman into his house who the child has never met before.

Now on visitation there will be some strange woman there. That is mentally damaging to the child.

He is an awful, selfish parent to not have prepared the child or you.

I agree, this woman is being sprung on my child. I have told my child that their father had girlfriends during the marriage but they have never been forced to be around this woman. It's a truly heartbreaking situation.

I think you need to stop talking with your child about your relationship with your ex. Don’t put that on him/her. It’s adult business, not kid business.

Exactly. She is the one causing damage here. Not the other woman. I would have no problem with my ex remarrying... I would only care about that woman being kind to my child. That is it.

What a crock! That is why we have such a high divorce rate in this country.

Why don't you have any damn standards?

[Anonymous]

Op is full of drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op is full of drama.

OP just doesn't want her child exposed to a lowlife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is full of drama.

OP just doesn't want her child exposed to a lowlife.

She had no problems breeding with one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the custody split?

I have our child during the week, and he has our child every weekend.

I wouldn't... and didn't... send my child when the ho moved in.

Were there any consequences?
How did it end up? If you don't want to stay on here I can give you my email address

Don't do this OP, You are not thinking about your child, but yourself.

+1000.

And please check your misogyny in calling her a whore. You’re better than that.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate all the feedback. I recognize that I do need therapy, but him telling me she was moving in just brought up feelings I thought I had moved past. He's a good father and before Corona hit whenever I would see him show up at sporting events and doing things with our child I imagined that somehow we could work this thing out. I know that he's to blame but sometimes it's easier to blame someone you don't know very well. It feels like this person stole my life, I don't want her stealing my family too. I don't know if anyone has ever been in this exact position, but I feel like I'm being replaced. I am much prettier than she is but she's younger, and " fun". If he hadn't of destroyed my life is be more " fun" too.
Again thank you for all the advice I'm listening and internalizing it.

[Anonymous]

*I'd

[Anonymous]

Time to rebuild your own life. Make your own fun, find new dreams and plans.

She’s not stealing your life. She’s getting your cheating, manipulative ex.

You win, if only you let yourself.

[Anonymous]

Don’t apologize.

I think of the married woman on Ashley Madison that screwed my husband and has had multiple affairs in her marital bed from that website without her husband knowing as a: truck stop whore. She essentially is. My husband was one of the truckers (make whore).

Nasty people. He was married when she started it, OP. She knew. Let’s face it though, he was no prize. Ha! Only 2% of partnerships that come out of affairs succeed and somebody in that relationship that started in deceit will be cheating again in no time.

I get that you don’t want your child around people morally corrupt. Hopefully, they act decently in front of her and have respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t apologize.

I think of the married woman on Ashley Madison that screwed my husband and has had multiple affairs in her marital bed from that website without her husband knowing as a: truck stop whore. She essentially is. My husband was one of the truckers (make whore).

Nasty people. He was married when she started it, OP. She knew. Let’s face it though, he was no prize. Ha! Only 2% of partnerships that come out of affairs succeed and somebody in that relationship that started in deceit will be cheating again in no time.

I get that you don’t want your child around people morally corrupt. Hopefully, they act decently in front of her and have respect.

*male whore

[Anonymous]

OP, you are divorced. Your marriage is over. Please get help for the pain you are in. You are not reacting rationally and you are a serious danger to your daughter’s well being right now.

The only risk you have of losing your daughter is if you continue to act in this unbalanced, insecure, irrational way. If your ex’s girlfriend is kind, stable, and predictable, and you are acting the way you sound here, your daughter may begin to think to herself, “wow, I totally understand why dad couldn’t stand to be with mom anymore. Jill is so much calmer and kinder.”

And then she will feel guilty for feeling that way.

You need to get help for yourself so your daughter sees you as strong and stable. She needs to see that people might hurt her, as your X did you, but that she can recover from that and be resilient. Right now you are consumed with bitterness and control. You don’t need to ruin your own life to prove that your ex did you wrong. Show your daughter that bad things can happen to good people but that good people can still thrive.

Also, if you’re going to ask for any change to custody, it should be to get weekend time with your daughter. She should get to hang out with you and relax on non-school days, not have all her fun weekends be with them.

Please also remember that the time is coming soon when she will decide where she wants to spend her time. Either of you can go to court but custody is essentially unenforceable when a teen refuses to go. Please don’t be so bitter and unhinged and possessive that your daughter will seek refuge with her dad. You seem like things might go that way unless you work on yourself.

I’m sorry he hurt you. I hope you can heal.

[Anonymous]

How COULD you tell your child about the affairs??

Get some help before YOU cause your child emotional trauma.