How to keep the other woman away from my child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband had an affair that lasted several years. We recently divorced and I found out he is still with her. I suspect they are going to get married. My question is how do I prevent her from being around my child? Can I somehow go back to court to renegotiate our child custody agreement? My child is 13 Is there any way they can go before a judge and say they don't want to be around her?
Please help!

No. At 13 the kid can make up her/his own mind. It's OK, I promise...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs to you. This is a really horrid situation and like others have said, there is NOTHING you can do about it unless she poses a physical threat to your child or is bringing drugs or abusing alcohol around your child. Otherwise judges Do. Not. Care.

Your child absolutely needs to feel free to have a relationship with their dad without any guilt or pressure from you. Don't make that difficult. Make it clear to your child that it makes you happy to know that she has fun when she is with her dad. Don't pepper her with questions about what happens at her dads house but when she does share stuff she enjoyed, show enthusiasm and tell her how cool it is that she has that kind of dad that does stuff like that with her.

As for the OW.... the tricky part here is going to be handling the elephant in the room. Does your child know this woman's role in your divorce? At 13, your child probably knows more than you think, and kids always, always find out about affairs. Always.

Be very careful about answering questions about the OW. The most current and modern research from child psychologists suggests that participating in the cover up of an infidelity in a situation like this can be lead to a second trauma for the child (the first being the divorce) when the eventually learn the truth and wonder why adults they thought they could trust lied to them. At the same time, we all know that 13 is a tough age and not all kids at that age are capable of understanding that parents are fallable, good people can make bad decisions, and that it is ok to love someone even if they did something very hurtful to someone else that you love. Because that's all some complicated and heavy shit that most adults struggle with.

In my case, the kids remembered the OW from before their dad and I were divorced. She was his secretary (how original, I know) and we had socialized with her family and children on several occasions.

We have never discussed her directly, but my child knows that their father had multiple girlfriends throughout the marriage. I don't think my child knows that his current whore is the one that ruined our marriage. They started "dating" when my child was an infant.

So why did you stay? you knew your husband was unfailthful since her infancy, why did you continue to have this drama as a daily part of her existence for 13 years, instead of cutting your losses early? You could have had 11-12 years to adjust and a new and healthy relationship for yourself.

Seem preferablly to hanging onto dead wait, and trying to sabotoge your child's relationship with her father because of your hurt feelings.

It was a complicated situation I wanted to keep my family together. Him being with several women didn't sting as much as him having a long relationship with one woman. That's not why I posted today. this isn't about me and I don't want to ruin my child's relationship with their father. My intention in keeping them away from the other woman is to protect them. I don't want them to be confused and feel that they have to choose between us. I am pretty sure the other woman can't have children so she will probably try to steal mine.

You desperately need therapy. And your judgement about what is best for children is way way off. Please get help, if you care about salvaging your children’s mental health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs to you. This is a really horrid situation and like others have said, there is NOTHING you can do about it unless she poses a physical threat to your child or is bringing drugs or abusing alcohol around your child. Otherwise judges Do. Not. Care.

Your child absolutely needs to feel free to have a relationship with their dad without any guilt or pressure from you. Don't make that difficult. Make it clear to your child that it makes you happy to know that she has fun when she is with her dad. Don't pepper her with questions about what happens at her dads house but when she does share stuff she enjoyed, show enthusiasm and tell her how cool it is that she has that kind of dad that does stuff like that with her.

As for the OW.... the tricky part here is going to be handling the elephant in the room. Does your child know this woman's role in your divorce? At 13, your child probably knows more than you think, and kids always, always find out about affairs. Always.

Be very careful about answering questions about the OW. The most current and modern research from child psychologists suggests that participating in the cover up of an infidelity in a situation like this can be lead to a second trauma for the child (the first being the divorce) when the eventually learn the truth and wonder why adults they thought they could trust lied to them. At the same time, we all know that 13 is a tough age and not all kids at that age are capable of understanding that parents are fallable, good people can make bad decisions, and that it is ok to love someone even if they did something very hurtful to someone else that you love. Because that's all some complicated and heavy shit that most adults struggle with.

In my case, the kids remembered the OW from before their dad and I were divorced. She was his secretary (how original, I know) and we had socialized with her family and children on several occasions.

We have never discussed her directly, but my child knows that their father had multiple girlfriends throughout the marriage. I don't think my child knows that his current whore is the one that ruined our marriage. They started "dating" when my child was an infant.

So why did you stay? you knew your husband was unfailthful since her infancy, why did you continue to have this drama as a daily part of her existence for 13 years, instead of cutting your losses early? You could have had 11-12 years to adjust and a new and healthy relationship for yourself.

Seem preferablly to hanging onto dead wait, and trying to sabotoge your child's relationship with her father because of your hurt feelings.

It was a complicated situation I wanted to keep my family together. Him being with several women didn't sting as much as him having a long relationship with one woman. That's not why I posted today. this isn't about me and I don't want to ruin my child's relationship with their father. My intention in keeping them away from the other woman is to protect them. I don't want them to be confused and feel that they have to choose between us. I am pretty sure the other woman can't have children so she will probably try to steal mine.

Good grief! You need help. Your daughter will only feel caught in between if you do what you are doing now, and do what you plan on doing.

As for you other comments bout her being infertile, and stealing your child, I can't think of anything to say that doesn't involve cursing you out, so just please get help. Call a therapist right now.

[Anonymous]

OP - you can’t keep your DD away from your EX’s live-in girlfriend. Your comments are disturbing. What you want is for the girlfriend to be kind and supportive of your DD. The more people in your DD’s life that love her and what is best for her the better. You are not protecting her by keeping her away from the girlfriend.

Do not bad mouth the girlfriend or say anything about the affair. If she asks then you tell you have to talk to her Dad. And you do so. It’s time to co-parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t control him anymore. You’re divorced. Move on.

This. When I was a child my parents separated and my father got a new GF (this was right before my parents officially divorced). This new GF eventually became his second wife. My dad passed away many years ago but I am still close with my stepmom. The point I’m trying to make is that you might be denying your kids a meaningful relationship with this “other woman” if you prevent them from meeting each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend that they had written in the custody agreement about not having opposite sex sleepover in the house.

That is usually language for a separation agreement, not a divorce. It’s the morality clause. I don’t think it’s really enforceable anyway and it could take months to get a contempt hearing in any event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

She has never met my child. Ex-DH told me that she was moving in when he dropped off our child last week.

Ok. That’s HUGE. He’s moving a woman into his house who the child has never met before.

Now on visitation there will be some strange woman there. That is mentally damaging to the child.

He is an awful, selfish parent to not have prepared the child or you.

What do you think telling her was? That was preparation. Did he need to give her a 20-slide deck on how to navigate it?

How do you know he won’t talk to the kid about it?

Newsflash: life doesn’t end when you get divorced. Adults will continue to adult and kids will adapt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awful. My sympathies, OP. I wouldn’t want that whore around my kids either. Your daughter will learn who her father is. It’s so tough and I can’t imagine being in your shoes. Being the “adult” in the relationship.

Nice women shaming.

He was married, He had the affair, He's at fault. The other women didn't kidnap him and keep him having the affair without him being a willing participant.

Their marriage was over.

OP needs to move on. Unless this woman is someone who would hurt her child, she should be the better parent for her kid.

[Anonymous]

I wrote it into the agreement that the AP was never to meet our children unless they got engaged with a ring and a date certain. And if they violated that I would absolutely go to court to get a contempt order. And I would tell the kids every detail about what happened. And she doesn’t doubt for a second that I would do these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

Trust me, the 13 year old already knows what kind of person this woman is, good or bad. If she’s a harm you your child, your child will reject her. If she’s neutral or beneficial, no harm is done.

My mother used to mockingly refer to my dad’s long time girlfriend as “your stepmother”. Only my dad never married that woman, even though they were together 20 years. The thing is, my mom’s behavior is why my friends even knew the woman existed and her using the stepmother title (even mockingly) lent this woman a gravitas she never actually had. Some of my friends actually thought she was my step mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t control him anymore. You’re divorced. Move on.

I don't want to control him, but I should have a say-so who is around my child.

It doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote it into the agreement that the AP was never to meet our children unless they got engaged with a ring and a date certain. And if they violated that I would absolutely go to court to get a contempt order. And I would tell the kids every detail about what happened. And she doesn’t doubt for a second that I would do these things.

Yet we have people that insist married people are mature.

[Anonymous]

What is wrong with her, besides the fact that she is the other woman?

She's no more of a home wrecker than your ex is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote it into the agreement that the AP was never to meet our children unless they got engaged with a ring and a date certain. And if they violated that I would absolutely go to court to get a contempt order. And I would tell the kids every detail about what happened. And she doesn’t doubt for a second that I would do these things.

Can you name the judge that approved this agreement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote it into the agreement that the AP was never to meet our children unless they got engaged with a ring and a date certain. And if they violated that I would absolutely go to court to get a contempt order. And I would tell the kids every detail about what happened. And she doesn’t doubt for a second that I would do these things.

Can you name the judge that approved this agreement?

Judge Irby.