Newly discovered half sibling

[Anonymous]

DP. About the bold in your post -- No, not everyone has their DNA "out there" or wants it out there for public consumption!

If your ancestry is at least half European, it's almost certainly "out there." (Odds for other groups are lower, but far from non-existent.) It's not necessary for you to test yourself or for an immediate family member to test for it to be "out there." If a second cousin or closer has tested it is "out there." It may be even if the closest relative who has tested is a 4th cousin. If someone is looking and tries, they will find you. Even if they aren't looking they may find you.

I'm "into" genealogy so my DNA is on all the major sites. As a practical matter, that means the DNA of every second cousin I have is too--and I have never met many of them. You can also figure out relationships further back than that in many cases.

On 23 and me, which uses a chromosome browser if you want it to, there is a bio tree generated solely by DNA. That's how I found out I have a second cousin given up for adoption. I also found out someone in my family donated eggs. I let her know I'd figured it out--boy, was she shocked! I have a HUGE family, but there were enough clues for about 10 minutes of work to narrow it down. I don't know if the now young adults born from those eggs even knew the truth, but they took a 23 and me test and, of course, they match with people related to the donor, including me.

On Ancestry--my least favorite site--I have almost 33,000 matches. I know my family tree, so in some cases the thru-lines features let me see others who have tested who are descended from the same ancestor.

Of those 33,000 only about 1300-1400 are 4th cousins or closer.

As an example, my 3x immigrant great grandparents had 14 children. 11 of the kids and the parents packed up and moved west as pioneers. The other 3 stayed in New England. The 2 groups lost touch. Descendants of 6 of the 14 or a total of 22 people have tested on Ancestry. From this info, I now know the names of relatives as far removed from me as 4th cousins once removed. Yes, these people have tested, but with a little research, especially in the census, I can figure out the names of lots and lots of people who haven't tested.

My WASP line goes even further back. My WASP ancestors kicked my ancestor out of the family for marrying a Catholic. They made sure her death certificate says the names of her parents were "unknown." She was buried in an unmarked grave. DNA doesn't lie and so despite their best efforts to disown her I can prove that I am their descendant. In this case, my family knew who she was and who her parents were. However, the descendants of her siblings knew nothing about her.

So, don't assume that because you haven't tested, your DNA isn't in the system. As I said, if your ancestry is at least half European, it's almost certain that some of your DNA is in the system. How do you think people like the Golden State Killer got caught? You think he took a DNA test? Nope, a second cousin did though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I will add that I am not even sure half sibling knows of their past. I pulled the birth certificate and an adoptive father is listed. For all I know half sibling thinks the guy is biological father. I just don't want to throw a wrench into any good family dynamics. The mother has been with the adoptive father since early 1990s and Facebook pictures show a happy family and married couple.

Leave it alone. My mother was abandoned by her father and it took her many years to trust a man again. She met some new half-siblings at his funeral and it dredged up all the painful feelings again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I will add that I am not even sure half sibling knows of their past. I pulled the birth certificate and an adoptive father is listed. For all I know half sibling thinks the guy is biological father. I just don't want to throw a wrench into any good family dynamics. The mother has been with the adoptive father since early 1990s and Facebook pictures show a happy family and married couple.

The mom might think the "adoptive father" is the biological father, too. You could really cause some serious emotional harm contacting these people.

This is an excellent point. OP, please consider this before you go hunting down someone and declaring, your dad was my dad too and I've got DNA evidence to prove it. So much could be upended for not only that person but also that person's mother, adoptive father, other siblings from that marriage, etc.

OP’s dad paid child support for years. Did mom think some random stranger was just generously donating money to her for no reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

Yeah, this is 100% on you. YOU are the reason anyone was hurt at all.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

They did not make a decision for you. They made a decision for them. If you didn’t want contact, fine, but you should have been supportive for them. Sounds like you ruined everyone.

I've read all of your sock puppet replies. To be clear: my siblings are profoundly dysfunctional and unreliable. I was blindsided. If they'd have talked to me beforehand, I would've discouraged them because I knew they would hurt everyone involved. Our sister would have been better off continuing no contact. Instead, she was *abandoned* twice.


To the op: if you really want to pursue this, start with the mother.

FYI, I wrote about the child being innocent and you shouldn't have taken it out on them and I am NOT this PP.

I'm not sure why it's so hard for to believe that many others would think what you did was awful... because it was.

I guess whatever it is you have to tell yourself to make you feel better that's what you do, right?

I didn't actually *do* anything. My siblings essentially popped into her life, stirred up all kinds of emotional sh1t and then ghosted her. When I was told they made contact, I declined to engage. I know how messed up my siblings are and I am too, but I'm self aware and I knew they would hurt her and they did. So now she's lost her birth father and 5 half siblings. If you ask her, I'm sure she regrets accepting contact.

No, sweetie, you SAID you forced them to choose you over her. You b_ch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DP. About the bold in your post -- No, not everyone has their DNA "out there" or wants it out there for public consumption!

If your ancestry is at least half European, it's almost certainly "out there." (Odds for other groups are lower, but far from non-existent.) It's not necessary for you to test yourself or for an immediate family member to test for it to be "out there." If a second cousin or closer has tested it is "out there." It may be even if the closest relative who has tested is a 4th cousin. If someone is looking and tries, they will find you. Even if they aren't looking they may find you.

I'm "into" genealogy so my DNA is on all the major sites. As a practical matter, that means the DNA of every second cousin I have is too--and I have never met many of them. You can also figure out relationships further back than that in many cases.

On 23 and me, which uses a chromosome browser if you want it to, there is a bio tree generated solely by DNA. That's how I found out I have a second cousin given up for adoption. I also found out someone in my family donated eggs. I let her know I'd figured it out--boy, was she shocked! I have a HUGE family, but there were enough clues for about 10 minutes of work to narrow it down. I don't know if the now young adults born from those eggs even knew the truth, but they took a 23 and me test and, of course, they match with people related to the donor, including me.

On Ancestry--my least favorite site--I have almost 33,000 matches. I know my family tree, so in some cases the thru-lines features let me see others who have tested who are descended from the same ancestor.

Of those 33,000 only about 1300-1400 are 4th cousins or closer.

As an example, my 3x immigrant great grandparents had 14 children. 11 of the kids and the parents packed up and moved west as pioneers. The other 3 stayed in New England. The 2 groups lost touch. Descendants of 6 of the 14 or a total of 22 people have tested on Ancestry. From this info, I now know the names of relatives as far removed from me as 4th cousins once removed. Yes, these people have tested, but with a little research, especially in the census, I can figure out the names of lots and lots of people who haven't tested.

My WASP line goes even further back. My WASP ancestors kicked my ancestor out of the family for marrying a Catholic. They made sure her death certificate says the names of her parents were "unknown." She was buried in an unmarked grave. DNA doesn't lie and so despite their best efforts to disown her I can prove that I am their descendant. In this case, my family knew who she was and who her parents were. However, the descendants of her siblings knew nothing about her.

So, don't assume that because you haven't tested, your DNA isn't in the system. As I said, if your ancestry is at least half European, it's almost certain that some of your DNA is in the system. How do you think people like the Golden State Killer got caught? You think he took a DNA test? Nope, a second cousin did though.

Look at you stirring up trouble just to cause drama. You sound like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

This. My cousin recently discovered my half sibling on Ancestry and decided to contact them. The sibling was the product of an affair my father head. My father has been dead for 30 years. My cousin is an idiot and is holding on to her view that it was her right to throw a bomb into my immediate family. If she had the courtesy to let us know and allowed us to make our own decisions, we may have been able to salvage our relationship but now I’ll never speak to her again or the “new” sibling.

They were right to tell you. If they did not you would have been made too. Many of us as adults realize our parents were not who they pretended to be.

I guess the PP would have preferred her cousin contact the half sibling privately and excluded PP from any knowledge about their half-sib. If cousin wanted to reach out to their half-cousin, it would not be PP’s business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DP. About the bold in your post -- No, not everyone has their DNA "out there" or wants it out there for public consumption!

If your ancestry is at least half European, it's almost certainly "out there." (Odds for other groups are lower, but far from non-existent.) It's not necessary for you to test yourself or for an immediate family member to test for it to be "out there." If a second cousin or closer has tested it is "out there." It may be even if the closest relative who has tested is a 4th cousin. If someone is looking and tries, they will find you. Even if they aren't looking they may find you.

I'm "into" genealogy so my DNA is on all the major sites. As a practical matter, that means the DNA of every second cousin I have is too--and I have never met many of them. You can also figure out relationships further back than that in many cases.

On 23 and me, which uses a chromosome browser if you want it to, there is a bio tree generated solely by DNA. That's how I found out I have a second cousin given up for adoption. I also found out someone in my family donated eggs. I let her know I'd figured it out--boy, was she shocked! I have a HUGE family, but there were enough clues for about 10 minutes of work to narrow it down. I don't know if the now young adults born from those eggs even knew the truth, but they took a 23 and me test and, of course, they match with people related to the donor, including me.

On Ancestry--my least favorite site--I have almost 33,000 matches. I know my family tree, so in some cases the thru-lines features let me see others who have tested who are descended from the same ancestor.

Of those 33,000 only about 1300-1400 are 4th cousins or closer.

As an example, my 3x immigrant great grandparents had 14 children. 11 of the kids and the parents packed up and moved west as pioneers. The other 3 stayed in New England. The 2 groups lost touch. Descendants of 6 of the 14 or a total of 22 people have tested on Ancestry. From this info, I now know the names of relatives as far removed from me as 4th cousins once removed. Yes, these people have tested, but with a little research, especially in the census, I can figure out the names of lots and lots of people who haven't tested.

My WASP line goes even further back. My WASP ancestors kicked my ancestor out of the family for marrying a Catholic. They made sure her death certificate says the names of her parents were "unknown." She was buried in an unmarked grave. DNA doesn't lie and so despite their best efforts to disown her I can prove that I am their descendant. In this case, my family knew who she was and who her parents were. However, the descendants of her siblings knew nothing about her.

So, don't assume that because you haven't tested, your DNA isn't in the system. As I said, if your ancestry is at least half European, it's almost certain that some of your DNA is in the system. How do you think people like the Golden State Killer got caught? You think he took a DNA test? Nope, a second cousin did though.

Why would you put your relative who donated eggs? You sound like a terrible busybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DP. About the bold in your post -- No, not everyone has their DNA "out there" or wants it out there for public consumption!

If your ancestry is at least half European, it's almost certainly "out there." (Odds for other groups are lower, but far from non-existent.) It's not necessary for you to test yourself or for an immediate family member to test for it to be "out there." If a second cousin or closer has tested it is "out there." It may be even if the closest relative who has tested is a 4th cousin. If someone is looking and tries, they will find you. Even if they aren't looking they may find you.

I'm "into" genealogy so my DNA is on all the major sites. As a practical matter, that means the DNA of every second cousin I have is too--and I have never met many of them. You can also figure out relationships further back than that in many cases.

On 23 and me, which uses a chromosome browser if you want it to, there is a bio tree generated solely by DNA. That's how I found out I have a second cousin given up for adoption. I also found out someone in my family donated eggs. I let her know I'd figured it out--boy, was she shocked! I have a HUGE family, but there were enough clues for about 10 minutes of work to narrow it down. I don't know if the now young adults born from those eggs even knew the truth, but they took a 23 and me test and, of course, they match with people related to the donor, including me.

On Ancestry--my least favorite site--I have almost 33,000 matches. I know my family tree, so in some cases the thru-lines features let me see others who have tested who are descended from the same ancestor.

Of those 33,000 only about 1300-1400 are 4th cousins or closer.

As an example, my 3x immigrant great grandparents had 14 children. 11 of the kids and the parents packed up and moved west as pioneers. The other 3 stayed in New England. The 2 groups lost touch. Descendants of 6 of the 14 or a total of 22 people have tested on Ancestry. From this info, I now know the names of relatives as far removed from me as 4th cousins once removed. Yes, these people have tested, but with a little research, especially in the census, I can figure out the names of lots and lots of people who haven't tested.

My WASP line goes even further back. My WASP ancestors kicked my ancestor out of the family for marrying a Catholic. They made sure her death certificate says the names of her parents were "unknown." She was buried in an unmarked grave. DNA doesn't lie and so despite their best efforts to disown her I can prove that I am their descendant. In this case, my family knew who she was and who her parents were. However, the descendants of her siblings knew nothing about her.

So, don't assume that because you haven't tested, your DNA isn't in the system. As I said, if your ancestry is at least half European, it's almost certain that some of your DNA is in the system. How do you think people like the Golden State Killer got caught? You think he took a DNA test? Nope, a second cousin did though.

I'm the person to whom you're responding. The whole setup may be golden for "genealogists" like you but it's pretty damned offputting for those of us who find it invasive to think that some stranger can turn up and claim relationship whether we care or not, whether it rocks our family and past or not. I think those of you so into genealogy do not want to see the profound invasiveness of this. If some second cousin of mine gave DNA to be in a database I'd be appalled if someone thought that meant I was interested in being found by someone else.

Oh, and there's this, PP:

On 23 and me, which uses a chromosome browser if you want it to, there is a bio tree generated solely by DNA. That's how I found out I have a second cousin given up for adoption. I also found out someone in my family donated eggs. I let her know I'd figured it out--boy, was she shocked! I have a HUGE family, but there were enough clues for about 10 minutes of work to narrow it down. I don't know if the now young adults born from those eggs even knew the truth, but they took a 23 and me test and, of course, they match with people related to the donor, including me.

Boy, was she shocked, indeed. How very invasive you were to "let her know" what you'd dredged up. You do realize that in some cases, an egg donor or sperm donor might have very good reasons NOT to want their spouse, or other people, to know? And now your cousin has to live with wondering: If you know, who else might find out? Maybe your cousin's laughing of the fact you shocked her with your discovery and she doesn't really care. But not everyone would feel that way. It sounds almost as if you relished being able to surprise her like that, which is pretty awful of you, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

^^^ PP from above, I realize it's not necessarily a cousin who donated the eggs. Noting that so you don't come back and crow, "Ha! You got it wrong!" because i suspect you'd find that fun to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could start with doing a DNA test with ancestry or 23and Me. You can then add the results to GEDmatch, myheritage & familytreedna.

You may find some other 1/2 siblings out there as well.

Do not give your DNA information for these companies to sell. You, or your children, may well regret it when they are denied insurance coverage or job opportunities because of heritable illnesses from your family line.

[Anonymous]

We’ve got a couple of adult half siblings reuniting with the family story- once it was a meeting and closure for the person and once the person has become a member of our family like any other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father died recently and while going through his possessions I found evidence I have a half sibling that was never disclosed. Person was born before my parents marriage and is a few years older than me. Story was that father essentially abandoned the child with the mother and never really acknowledged the child's existence other than child support payments. Ok that was 30+ years ago. I did some public internet searches...Google, Facebook, etc. The mother and half sibling seem normal.

Question here is would you make contact? I have no idea if this person even knows about their past or what the mother has told the half sibling.

I am not sure what I hope to gain out of making contact, maybe it is just selfish.

I would make contact, but in such a way that the half sibling doesn't feel obligated to connect or meet you. Just be honest that your dad died and you just found out about them. Make an offering of some photos of your father and his parents and some family history. Don't have an expectation of a relationship. Just hope for an interesting meeting, and perhaps, eventually a new acquaintance.

I have a half-sibling (given up for adoption by my mom in the 1960s), who made contact in the 1990s. It's been a nice relationship - like another cousin. I found a half-sibling of one of my mother's cousins through DNA testing two years ago. My great-uncle had had an affair with the neighbor. Both families knew about the affair and spouses reconciled, but everyone thought the baby was legitimate. Those half-siblings (in their 70s now) met last year, and really enjoyed seeing someone who had so many similarities.

With DNA testing, this type of "secret" really isn't so secret anymore. And you don't even have control over discovery. All it takes is a cousin getting a test and then trying to figure out who the odd match is ...

Good luck!

You are correct...DNA testing uncovers all these secrets so there is zero need to wonder what to do. It's already out there.
However, please stop using the terms legitimate and illegitimate. They are really stupid, and kind of a throw back to a time when people were described as legitimate people or not. This kind of judgement does not fly today because people are not judged whether or not they have sex outside of marriage. The offspring of such is quite the legitimate person.

DP. About the bold in your post -- No, not everyone has their DNA "out there" or wants it out there for public consumption!

And saying "there is zero need to wonder what to do" -- do you actually mean that you think people should go ahead, if they want, and contact genetic relatives without a thought, because "it's already out there"? Do you think that those who have given samples for DNA tests all anticipated those tests could end up being used the way it's talked about on this thread? News flash: No, they didn't all anticipate this. And saying, "Well, they should have, so it's too bad if they don't want the free-for-all of anyone matching DNA with theirs!" is just mean. So many lives are getting upended by this "I found you on Ancestry" stuff. Many people who did those kinds of tests did so while seeking information on what countries and groups their ancestors were part of -- not because they thought that specific, current relatives would come out of the woodwork here and now.

You do know that people who do their DNA to find out their ethnicity can choose whether they want to see their DNA matches or be shown as DNA matches to others, right?. Of course you have no control over what a relative does, but yours can be completely hidden.

[Anonymous]

Whenever these threads come up most people are against contact and I’ve truly never understood it.