Newly discovered half sibling

[Anonymous]

OP, I found my half sister through ancestry and knowing her has been a great joy. We are Friends and she and her husband are an aunt and uncle to my child. Her adoptive mom is supportive and my parents are dead. I encourage you to allow for the possibility of joy. If nothing else, truth and identity are important.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if some of these people are men afraid that their abandoned kids will reach out to the half-siblings that he raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a long thread in this forum about a woman who discovered her half-siblings after a DNA search.

But that thread started and was fueled by a very toxic person whose response to the knowledge of a half sibling was probably not the same as most people's. She was immature, jealous, uneducated, lacking in empathy, and amazingly narcissistic. I think most of these " reunions" with half siblings are either pleasant or non eventful. This woman, who started the other long thread was not a well person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

I notice that YOU were not in the contact group, and it's likely that YOU created the painful situation. So, the contacting wasn't painful, you were just in pain by it, and they chose to appease you. Sad story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father died recently and while going through his possessions I found evidence I have a half sibling that was never disclosed. Person was born before my parents marriage and is a few years older than me. Story was that father essentially abandoned the child with the mother and never really acknowledged the child's existence other than child support payments. Ok that was 30+ years ago. I did some public internet searches...Google, Facebook, etc. The mother and half sibling seem normal.

Question here is would you make contact? I have no idea if this person even knows about their past or what the mother has told the half sibling.

I am not sure what I hope to gain out of making contact, maybe it is just selfish.

I would make contact, but in such a way that the half sibling doesn't feel obligated to connect or meet you. Just be honest that your dad died and you just found out about them. Make an offering of some photos of your father and his parents and some family history. Don't have an expectation of a relationship. Just hope for an interesting meeting, and perhaps, eventually a new acquaintance.

I have a half-sibling (given up for adoption by my mom in the 1960s), who made contact in the 1990s. It's been a nice relationship - like another cousin. I found a half-sibling of one of my mother's cousins through DNA testing two years ago. My great-uncle had had an affair with the neighbor. Both families knew about the affair and spouses reconciled, but everyone thought the baby was legitimate. Those half-siblings (in their 70s now) met last year, and really enjoyed seeing someone who had so many similarities.

With DNA testing, this type of "secret" really isn't so secret anymore. And you don't even have control over discovery. All it takes is a cousin getting a test and then trying to figure out who the odd match is ...

Good luck!

You are correct...DNA testing uncovers all these secrets so there is zero need to wonder what to do. It's already out there.
However, please stop using the terms legitimate and illegitimate. They are really stupid, and kind of a throw back to a time when people were described as legitimate people or not. This kind of judgement does not fly today because people are not judged whether or not they have sex outside of marriage. The offspring of such is quite the legitimate person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

They did not make a decision for you. They made a decision for them. If you didn’t want contact, fine, but you should have been supportive for them. Sounds like you ruined everyone.

I've read all of your sock puppet replies. To be clear: my siblings are profoundly dysfunctional and unreliable. I was blindsided. If they'd have talked to me beforehand, I would've discouraged them because I knew they would hurt everyone involved. Our sister would have been better off continuing no contact. Instead, she was *abandoned* twice.


To the op: if you really want to pursue this, start with the mother.

Well, I am not a sock puppet. Apparently there really are numerous people who really think you are an asshole - besides just one or two. This is my answer, and I doubt the others were sock puppets.
You did wrong, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

This. My cousin recently discovered my half sibling on Ancestry and decided to contact them. The sibling was the product of an affair my father head. My father has been dead for 30 years. My cousin is an idiot and is holding on to her view that it was her right to throw a bomb into my immediate family. If she had the courtesy to let us know and allowed us to make our own decisions, we may have been able to salvage our relationship but now I’ll never speak to her again or the “new” sibling.

Not your decision or right to decide. You are also wrong. And- no one needs permission to share information. It's already out there.

[Anonymous]

How did all you people actually make contact? Random phone call, show up at their front door, add friend on Facebook, postal letter?

[Anonymous]

I am the half sibling in this scenario. I refused contact. This other person or her father mean nothing to me. She has her life, I have mine, and I don't want her in mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

Says the person who has a family and wasn't abandoned by her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did all you people actually make contact? Random phone call, show up at their front door, add friend on Facebook, postal letter?

I found my sibling on FB and then wrote him a letter with enough verifiable info that he wouldn’t think it was a scam. I also enclosed copies of family photos. I invited him to contact us. I sent it all FedEx so I would know it was received and wouldn’t wonder. The delivery notice was followed quickly by his phone call. We talked for six hours that first night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very close with my half sibling that I found as an adult. I knew he existed. He had no idea I or our other siblings existed. I say go for it!

I have a friend who had a similar experience. I say go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

I notice that YOU were not in the contact group, and it's likely that YOU created the painful situation. So, the contacting wasn't painful, you were just in pain by it, and they chose to appease you. Sad story.

They blew up her life and then cut off all contact without even saying goodbye. She was raised by her mother and adoptive father. My siblings dropped into her life, which brought up unresolved feelings for all of them and, because they are dysfunctional, she came to represent the pain we felt at our dad's betrayal. They ghosted her. She would've been better off without that contact. I didn't do anything, other than refuse to participate in something I KNEW would be painful. Once again, it is as if she doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I will add that I am not even sure half sibling knows of their past. I pulled the birth certificate and an adoptive father is listed. For all I know half sibling thinks the guy is biological father. I just don't want to throw a wrench into any good family dynamics. The mother has been with the adoptive father since early 1990s and Facebook pictures show a happy family and married couple.

[Anonymous]

You could start with doing a DNA test with ancestry or 23and Me. You can then add the results to GEDmatch, myheritage & familytreedna.

You may find some other 1/2 siblings out there as well.