Newly discovered half sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok the tread hijacking people can go away now. Looking for more insightful answers...

This happened to me. My grandfather died at 101. It was discovered that he had a child "outside the family". She lived less than a mile away. By this time the woman (my Aunt) was 60, and had a family that we never knew of. My mother (her sister) contacted her. This was in 1996; we have a relationship with her/them that has stood the test of time.

Guess I should have said withstood...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father died recently and while going through his possessions I found evidence I have a half sibling that was never disclosed. Person was born before my parents marriage and is a few years older than me. Story was that father essentially abandoned the child with the mother and never really acknowledged the child's existence other than child support payments. Ok that was 30+ years ago. I did some public internet searches...Google, Facebook, etc. The mother and half sibling seem normal.

Question here is would you make contact? I have no idea if this person even knows about their past or what the mother has told the half sibling.

I am not sure what I hope to gain out of making contact, maybe it is just selfish.

I would make contact, but in such a way that the half sibling doesn't feel obligated to connect or meet you. Just be honest that your dad died and you just found out about them. Make an offering of some photos of your father and his parents and some family history. Don't have an expectation of a relationship. Just hope for an interesting meeting, and perhaps, eventually a new acquaintance.

I have a half-sibling (given up for adoption by my mom in the 1960s), who made contact in the 1990s. It's been a nice relationship - like another cousin. I found a half-sibling of one of my mother's cousins through DNA testing two years ago. My great-uncle had had an affair with the neighbor. Both families knew about the affair and spouses reconciled, but everyone thought the baby was legitimate. Those half-siblings (in their 70s now) met last year, and really enjoyed seeing someone who had so many similarities.

With DNA testing, this type of "secret" really isn't so secret anymore. And you don't even have control over discovery. All it takes is a cousin getting a test and then trying to figure out who the odd match is ...

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Read the book Inheritance by Dani Shaprio. Different scenario as she found out she was conceived through donor sperm (back in the 1960s). But she reached out to her donor father (who has children and grandchildren). The book mostly goes through her processing this new informaiton and the type of relationship that is appropriate for her and her bio dad and her half-siblings. It's pretty interesting.

And as someone who does genealogy, just so you don't feel alone, there are many of you out there who are discovering half siblings. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

I would suspect the sibling knows about you or knew Dad had another family/moved on especially if he paid child support. I would contact her and reach out but don't expect a warm welcome or a relationship but offer one. Sometimes people will surprise you. Its hard to know how someone else will react as its so personal. If they got child support payments, they probably knew something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

They did not make a decision for you. They made a decision for them. If you didn’t want contact, fine, but you should have been supportive for them. Sounds like you ruined everyone.

I've read all of your sock puppet replies. To be clear: my siblings are profoundly dysfunctional and unreliable. I was blindsided. If they'd have talked to me beforehand, I would've discouraged them because I knew they would hurt everyone involved. Our sister would have been better off continuing no contact. Instead, she was *abandoned* twice.


To the op: if you really want to pursue this, start with the mother.

[Anonymous]

OP I would make contact directly with the half-sibling but as others have said - don't expect too much but see how it goes.

We discovered my DH has a few half siblings and one ignored us when we contacted, the other wrote emails for a few months and then went silent. You can't have too many expectations in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

They did not make a decision for you. They made a decision for them. If you didn’t want contact, fine, but you should have been supportive for them. Sounds like you ruined everyone.

I've read all of your sock puppet replies. To be clear: my siblings are profoundly dysfunctional and unreliable. I was blindsided. If they'd have talked to me beforehand, I would've discouraged them because I knew they would hurt everyone involved. Our sister would have been better off continuing no contact. Instead, she was *abandoned* twice.


To the op: if you really want to pursue this, start with the mother.

More than one person has disagreed with you.

OP, do not start with the mother. She might have her own reasons for dissuading contact. This is between you and your sibling. If I had reached out to my half-sibling’s mom first, I would probably not know him today. 50 years later, she still despises my father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

This. My cousin recently discovered my half sibling on Ancestry and decided to contact them. The sibling was the product of an affair my father head. My father has been dead for 30 years. My cousin is an idiot and is holding on to her view that it was her right to throw a bomb into my immediate family. If she had the courtesy to let us know and allowed us to make our own decisions, we may have been able to salvage our relationship but now I’ll never speak to her again or the “new” sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

They did not make a decision for you. They made a decision for them. If you didn’t want contact, fine, but you should have been supportive for them. Sounds like you ruined everyone.

I've read all of your sock puppet replies. To be clear: my siblings are profoundly dysfunctional and unreliable. I was blindsided. If they'd have talked to me beforehand, I would've discouraged them because I knew they would hurt everyone involved. Our sister would have been better off continuing no contact. Instead, she was *abandoned* twice.


To the op: if you really want to pursue this, start with the mother.

FYI, I wrote about the child being innocent and you shouldn't have taken it out on them and I am NOT this PP.

I'm not sure why it's so hard for to believe that many others would think what you did was awful... because it was.

I guess whatever it is you have to tell yourself to make you feel better that's what you do, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

This. My cousin recently discovered my half sibling on Ancestry and decided to contact them. The sibling was the product of an affair my father head. My father has been dead for 30 years. My cousin is an idiot and is holding on to her view that it was her right to throw a bomb into my immediate family. If she had the courtesy to let us know and allowed us to make our own decisions, we may have been able to salvage our relationship but now I’ll never speak to her again or the “new” sibling.

They were right to tell you. If they did not you would have been made too. Many of us as adults realize our parents were not who they pretended to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

They did not make a decision for you. They made a decision for them. If you didn’t want contact, fine, but you should have been supportive for them. Sounds like you ruined everyone.

I've read all of your sock puppet replies. To be clear: my siblings are profoundly dysfunctional and unreliable. I was blindsided. If they'd have talked to me beforehand, I would've discouraged them because I knew they would hurt everyone involved. Our sister would have been better off continuing no contact. Instead, she was *abandoned* twice.


To the op: if you really want to pursue this, start with the mother.

FYI, I wrote about the child being innocent and you shouldn't have taken it out on them and I am NOT this PP.

I'm not sure why it's so hard for to believe that many others would think what you did was awful... because it was.

I guess whatever it is you have to tell yourself to make you feel better that's what you do, right?

I didn't actually *do* anything. My siblings essentially popped into her life, stirred up all kinds of emotional sh1t and then ghosted her. When I was told they made contact, I declined to engage. I know how messed up my siblings are and I am too, but I'm self aware and I knew they would hurt her and they did. So now she's lost her birth father and 5 half siblings. If you ask her, I'm sure she regrets accepting contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

This. My cousin recently discovered my half sibling on Ancestry and decided to contact them. The sibling was the product of an affair my father head. My father has been dead for 30 years. My cousin is an idiot and is holding on to her view that it was her right to throw a bomb into my immediate family. If she had the courtesy to let us know and allowed us to make our own decisions, we may have been able to salvage our relationship but now I’ll never speak to her again or the “new” sibling.

Op, really consider everyone involved before you reach out. Despite what one obvious sock puppet says, this could go wrong on many fronts and, even if you gain a family member, you may lose many more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father died recently and while going through his possessions I found evidence I have a half sibling that was never disclosed. Person was born before my parents marriage and is a few years older than me. Story was that father essentially abandoned the child with the mother and never really acknowledged the child's existence other than child support payments. Ok that was 30+ years ago. I did some public internet searches...Google, Facebook, etc. The mother and half sibling seem normal.

Question here is would you make contact? I have no idea if this person even knows about their past or what the mother has told the half sibling.

I am not sure what I hope to gain out of making contact, maybe it is just selfish.

Your father made the decision for you. Leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

They did not make a decision for you. They made a decision for them. If you didn’t want contact, fine, but you should have been supportive for them. Sounds like you ruined everyone.

I've read all of your sock puppet replies. To be clear: my siblings are profoundly dysfunctional and unreliable. I was blindsided. If they'd have talked to me beforehand, I would've discouraged them because I knew they would hurt everyone involved. Our sister would have been better off continuing no contact. Instead, she was *abandoned* twice.


To the op: if you really want to pursue this, start with the mother.

More than one person has disagreed with you.

OP, do not start with the mother. She might have her own reasons for dissuading contact. This is between you and your sibling. If I had reached out to my half-sibling’s mom first, I would probably not know him today. 50 years later, she still despises my father.

Indeed. I was one of them. But self-righteous people can never conceive that anyone would ever disagree with them.

[Anonymous]

^^actually, self righteous people know they are right and do not gaf about your opinion.