Trying to handle baby + big law and failing miserably. Talk me down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, it’s surprising to me to read all the suggestions about how to make it work; get a nanny, don’t do pick ups, don’t do bedtime. I mean, these are precious days, people? How about spending time, and bonding with the baby? I guess now I know why I don’t earn the big bucks... I’m definitely not cut for this kind of lifestyle.

But pickup isn’t really quality time and can easily take a half hour all in even if you live fairly close. The idea to skip bedtime isn’t for every night. It’s a suggestion that it might be better to plow two nights a week to give yourself more breathing room the other nights. As for a nanny (which I don’t actually agree with), why would that be any worse in your view from a “precious days” perspective than daycare. Are you saying she should just stay home?

Yep, I’m pretty sure pp is trying to say OP and others are shitty mothers for working.

I’m the pp. I am a working mother too, just one of those 9-5 ones. I guess I should say I support those posters who suggested taking some time off?

So you admit you think OP should stop working? Even though she said she can’t afford it?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, another biglaw mom here. It’s really hard, and you’re doing a great job already. I just wanted to add 2 things that seem like red flags to me - 1) you said you have bad anxiety and 2) you mentioned getting very sick a few days a month. This suggests to me that your health - physical and mental - really isn’t great right now and I think you should think seriously about what else you can do and what work/life balance and career would suit you better. It does get easier in some ways as your kid gets older, but in other ways it gets more difficult. Not everyone is built for biglaw - I don’t mean that as a criticism (in fact, probably if you are you have some kind of personality disorder!) - and it sounds to me like you might not be. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Can we just ignore the angry boomer randomly picking a fight because someone else is happy with her life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you full time? Have you considered the pros/cons of part time?

You have my sympathies! It’s so hard and my firm just didn’t seem to care afaict. When I left to go in house after a year or so I said I wanted something more family friendly and the partner seemed genuinely surprised i did not find them family friendly.

lol

There is no “part time” in big law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we just ignore the angry boomer randomly picking a fight because someone else is happy with her life?

Yes, please. “I got mine, and now I’m going to attack anyone else who tries to do the same.”

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM with big law partner spouse and I’m shocked everyone is telling you to quit (would they say this to a man?!?)

You need more hired help, and your DH needs to handle arranging it. He should be in charge of 95% of household and childcare tasks, and the only thing on your plate most days should be time with the kids. Ideally that means hiring a nanny, getting prepped meals delivered, having house cleaner who does laundry, etc. And DH should be in charge of managing the hired help, and being back-up should something fall through. Then while he’s “in charge” of 95%, he doesn’t actually DO 95%.

This is how the men do it. It’s not just the outsourcing - it’s the not even thinking about the outsourcing.

Also, my DH is home for the 6-8 stretch with the kids most nights, but if he’s not, it’s no big deal. This was not the case when he was a mid-level (luckily kids were way younger). The more senior you get the easier it is to block off that time.

Stay in the game! I wish more women did, and I wish more women had husbands who do what wives do for men.

[Anonymous]

I turned off email notifications from work so that I don’t see them until I’m ready to sit down and resume work. I also decided to cut back on any fun spending so that I can get rid of the debt as fast as possible. No debt means more freedom. When you are with the baby, try to just be in the moment. Hug her, smell her, look at her smile. The work will still be there. The work won’t care about you in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Get a nanny. Find a good one it’s well worth it and will help with the mom guilt and might take pressure off the marriage too.

[Anonymous]

^^ Just read more of this thread and saw not “everyone” told you to quit, so that’s good.

But seriously, this needs to be DH’s problem to work out (with you as his support / sounding board), not yours.

My agreement with my DH is that as long as he’s at his job, and making as much money as he is, I’m in charge of the house and kids (and if I no longer want that responsibility DH is happy to support me but says he’d have to leave his law firm to make it work). Given this agreement I can work or not work. If I work (which I did, and will when kids are older), I manage the hired help. There’s not really a limit as to how much I spend on this, though since I’m also 100% responsible for our budget, I know what is realistic.

Given that DH does and shows up for as much as he can, which frankly is a lot. Never misses a big event, packs the kids lunches everyday, we sit down as a family for breakfast everyday and dinner 5-6 nights a week. He coaches soccer and shares night wakings with our youngest. But he can do this because he literally does not ever have to think about the laundry, or grocery shopping, or doctors appointments, or signing up for gymnastics, or field trip forms, etc.

Your DH can do the same, even as an attorney with a 9-5, just like a woman in his position, with the additional money from YOUR job, would.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here. I have worked for several families with demanding careers (including a biglaw partner). One of the benefits of the nanny route is that the baby can work around your schedule to an extent. When my charges are small enough to be going to bed super early, I do things like take them into the city twice a week for lunch with mommy. I also work on tweaking nap schedules so bedtimes are a little later and parents don’t have to rush out the door at 5. My current charges had an 8pm bedtime starting around 1, since that allowed their parents to actually be home for bedtime most nights. And I handle a lot of the kid logistics such as making sure they have clothes for the season in the right size and prepping all of the kids’ food and some of their parents’ food.. That kind of thing makes weekends a lot easier for most families. I do take vacation days but I also find my own replacement most of the time, either by coordinating directly with grandparents or by hiring and training a sitter. I took 5 sick days last year which is the most I’ve ever needed because I had surgery, so 2 of them I planned ahead for and hired a sitter to cover. I work when the kids are sick often. I also cover bedtime one night per week, and the parents at my current job rotate nights so that two nights per week mom either works late or goes out with a friend or something and two nights per week dad works late or goes to happy hour and one night per week they both work late or do a date night. The kids have parents put them to bed 6 nights per week but the parents also only have to leave work by a certain time twice a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here. I have worked for several families with demanding careers (including a biglaw partner). One of the benefits of the nanny route is that the baby can work around your schedule to an extent. When my charges are small enough to be going to bed super early, I do things like take them into the city twice a week for lunch with mommy. I also work on tweaking nap schedules so bedtimes are a little later and parents don’t have to rush out the door at 5. My current charges had an 8pm bedtime starting around 1, since that allowed their parents to actually be home for bedtime most nights. And I handle a lot of the kid logistics such as making sure they have clothes for the season in the right size and prepping all of the kids’ food and some of their parents’ food.. That kind of thing makes weekends a lot easier for most families. I do take vacation days but I also find my own replacement most of the time, either by coordinating directly with grandparents or by hiring and training a sitter. I took 5 sick days last year which is the most I’ve ever needed because I had surgery, so 2 of them I planned ahead for and hired a sitter to cover. I work when the kids are sick often. I also cover bedtime one night per week, and the parents at my current job rotate nights so that two nights per week mom either works late or goes out with a friend or something and two nights per week dad works late or goes to happy hour and one night per week they both work late or do a date night. The kids have parents put them to bed 6 nights per week but the parents also only have to leave work by a certain time twice a week.

You sound like an awesome nanny and it is great to hear your perspective here. Our nanny has been with us for 15 years. She is part of our family and it is a group effort. I don't know what we would have done without her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I made it for 4 years in BigLaw one kid. I left shortly after having my second because it wasn't manageable.

Some tips:

Get more childcare. Whether it's a nanny our au pair, you need more coverage so you can stay late, answer emails between 5-7 or work on weekends. Your kid will also eventually start teething or get sick and you won't be able to always count on that 7-12 block. You will want some weekend coverage You don't have to use all of that coverage, but you need it in case of a work emergency.

Use that childcare so you don't have to do drop off or pick up. Coming straight to work and then home will save at least an hour in your day. You also save all of the mental energy of thinking what to pack for daycare. Let someone else worry about that.

Daycare is really hard because if the daycare plagues. Consider switching to a nanny.

Figure out when your Partners/Clients are offline and use that time to see your kid. Some are late risers, others sign off early. Match their rhythm.

Set some clear boundaries about when you will be offline, eg 5-7 and make it well known. Stick to it and be uber responsive at all other times.

Work during naptime and after bedtimes on weekends so you can go to bed earlier on weeknights. You should be able to bill 6 hours per day without giving up facetime with your kid.

When I got behind at work, I used to got to spend Sunday morning with the family and then go into work around 3 PM and stay until midnight. That would put me ahead on hours for the week, which would give me more flexibility during the week.

It's hard. Really hard. Go easy on yourself.

[Anonymous]

You need an au pair or a live in nanny. Or, at the very minimum a very reliable nanny. You need to get drop/off pick ups out of your life. And DH needs to be able to handle all baby stuff after work.

You need to schedule conference calls during your commute.
You need to be able to work late 1-2 times a week.

Every married female partner in my firm that I know who has children has a stay at home husband. Expect the one who is married to a higher earner Partner in our firm. They have three nannies - one for each child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in big law and my my husband and I split shift — I get to hang with kid in morning until nanny arrives at 8:30, and he’s home by 5 and puts her to bed by 7:30. Some evenings I don’t see my daughter ... which, to be honest, I actually prefer to seeing her for 15 minutes right before bed, as that invariably tends to rile her up and make bedtime harder. It also gives me some freedom to knock more work out between 5 and 9 pm (and have dinner at my desk, I’ll usually order enough for my and my husband) and actually have some time to spend with my husband/watch mindless tv/sleep. On days that I don’t have too much to finish, I’ll come home earlier and then log back on for an hour in the evening. I also try to be somewhat productive during my kid’s naps on weekends, as that usually allows me to come home on the early end on Mondays. It’s been working well for us, though I only get 2 hours a day with my daughter and sometimes wish for more. I’m not sure it’ll be possible with a second kiddo, might be too hard to handle both at one time? May not work as the kids get older and dinner together becomes more important. I assume I’ll reduce my schedule to 80 or 90% then to take some of the pressure off.
Me t

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, it’s surprising to me to read all the suggestions about how to make it work; get a nanny, don’t do pick ups, don’t do bedtime. I mean, these are precious days, people? How about spending time, and bonding with the baby? I guess now I know why I don’t earn the big bucks... I’m definitely not cut for this kind of lifestyle.

Is one of the reasons you lack reading comprehension skills?