How many kids do you have, and if you could change anything, would have had more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 (twins and a third) and debated for years about having a 4th. In retrospect I'm so happy we didn't have the 4th.
Why?

-I've found the older my kids get, the crazier their (and our) lives are. Mine are now 13, 13, 10. We run like crazy people taking them to practices, school events, concerts, parties, etc.
I feel like I exist in roller skates and I'm always driving. Having multiple kids is easy when they're young and REALLY easy when they're under 5 and all you're worrying about is feeding them, dressing them and getting them to sleep. In my experience it gets nuts when they're in middle school.

-I'm now 45 and I'm far more tired than I was at 40. I felt like 41-42 was interchangeable with 30 or 35. These last few years I've felt age creep on. I've discussed this with many friends and we all agree. There's a shift in energy, etc that happens mid 40's.

-We love to travel internationally with our kids and it gets SO much easier each year. We've gone on a big trip every year since our youngest was 2 (so the past 8 years). My kids became pros at sitting on long-haul flights (Asia, etc) since they were young. They visit museums, historical sights like it's their job. However, it all gets so much easier each year. Even if your kids are good travelers, when they're young they're just slower and everything takes a million years. Now at 13 and 10 they pack themselves. They can deal with jet lag without a hiccup. They can wait to pee if the next bathroom isn't for 2 more hours. They don't need a drink or complain even if they're thirsty. They can run for a train connection, etc. All these things (over the course of a vacation) make a trip far more enjoyable. Also we're now able to do far more interesting things--we just came back from skiing in Europe. Lats winter we went backpacking in Patagonia. None of this would be possible if we still had a young kid in the mix.

I'm an earlier poster with 2 who now and again regrets not having another (but generally happy with where we are). EVERYONE I know who has 3 has said the thing about how much harder it is when they're older. Sure, it's annoying to have a crawling baby and a potty training toddler etc etc, but the logistics of their activities and lives in general gets exponentially more difficult once they hit late elementary and you really need to have a plan in place for managing that (flexible jobs, strong family and/or neighborhood support, etc).

I think you're both forgetting how hard the little kid years are. The sheer physical exhaustion, constant touching, tantrums, etc., all compound the potty-sleep-bedtime-don't touch that-don't eat that-everything else. Parents I trust with grown kids have said that it's hard all the way through, but the hard parts change. But what they don't do is act like the little kid years were a breeze, because they know better. I mean, unless you have automatons for children, I guess. I wouldn't even say my three are super challenging (the oldest, sometimes), and knock wood, they're typically developing and mostly healthy, but still. It's so, so unfair to the parents of small kids to pretend that they have it easy.

also, young kids tend to be sick more.

[MayaJ]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids and it's wonderful. One of my kids has special needs, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I doubt any of your kids are even half as awesome as he is!

Why did you feel the need to say that?

Because OP made it clear she did not want a child with special needs. Well some of us have children with special needs and they’re pretty amazing! I’m so sick of people acting like parenting our kids would be such an awful thing. Of course we’d all like our children to have an easy life but my child’s life is very much worth living and I would have him a million times over. Either you want a child or you don’t.

OP here. I am sorry if my phrasing was insensitive. Since we are older parents, if we tried for a 3rd, I feel it would be unfair to our existing children to proceed with a pregnancy should a serious genetic condition be detected via CVS/amnio/20-week scan. If we were to die at 70, or even 80, then it would be the older two who must care for a sibling with Down syndrome etc. Hence my comment about terminating, not that it is ever an easy decision, and one never knows until faced with it. That said, if the baby is already born and has SN, of course we would love him or her to the moon and back, no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids and it's wonderful. One of my kids has special needs, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I doubt any of your kids are even half as awesome as he is!

Why did you feel the need to say that?

NP but I think it can be off putting to hear so many people say they stopped because they didn't want to risk a child with SN. But...it's one thing to have a baby with SN and love that child, it's another to feel that it would be daunting to have a SN child you have not met yet sometime in the future....both feelings can be true. But I get that it would be annoying to hear that as the parent of a SN child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids and it's wonderful. One of my kids has special needs, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I doubt any of your kids are even half as awesome as he is!

Why did you feel the need to say that?

NP but I think it can be off putting to hear so many people say they stopped because they didn't want to risk a child with SN. But...it's one thing to have a baby with SN and love that child, it's another to feel that it would be daunting to have a SN child you have not met yet sometime in the future....both feelings can be true. But I get that it would be annoying to hear that as the parent of a SN child.

I have a SN child too, and I didn’t find it off putting that OP wouldn’t want a child with SN. It’s one of the ressons we also stopped at 2.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 and I think we might have had 3 if we started earlier. But maybe it was a blessing in disguise. We are happy now, and a third might have put us over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you got pregnant today you'd be 42 when the baby is born. A little long in the tooth, wouldn't you say? Two is plenty.

She’s a woman, not a horse.

[Anonymous]

We have 2. We considered a 3rd but decided that 2 was right for our family.

[Anonymous]

I have 2. Always wanted 3 but I have cardiac issues that make a 3rd pregnancy a risky option. We are in the process of making peace with that. I wonder if we might want to adopt down the road. For right now, I am feeling like our family is probably complete.

[Anonymous]

We have one. Got pregnant right away with him and had the easiest pregnancy and delivery ever. Started TTC #2 right away and then tried for 5 years to have a second. Tried every single month and infertility treatments and never saw a positive pregnancy test a second time. Unexplained secondary infertility. We gave up when I turned 42.

[Anonymous]

3 and 2 miscarriages. Yes I would have been happy with 5.

[Anonymous]

2

If I could change anything it would’ve been to get married earlier so that we could’ve had at least three children. at the time number two was born I just felt like I was too old to go through pregnancy and the baby stage for a third time. Pregnancy with my second was very hard and it really took a toll on my body.

[Anonymous]

We have 2 and are expecting our 3rd soon. Will see how that goes but most likely are done at 3. If we started earlier we might entertain the idea of 4 but I am 36 now and I don’t want to be pregnant when I am 38 so we are probably done. This last pregnancy has been hard on my body. Pretty easy pregnancies but I am older now and running after two toddlers. I can’t imagine doing this again even older with 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Have 3 with 4th on the way.

Sometimes, I wistfully think about how much easier our life would be with only 2 - we'd be out of the daycare/preschool years now, not need as much housing space, savings for tuition, etc., but it's all somewhat trivial and selfish things (well, we could buy that house with the gorgeous renovated kitchen...stay at the 5* hotel instead of beach house...I'd have time to go to whatever gym fitness classes I want...and the like). We are fortunate in that I'm not actually worried about paying the bills and feeding our family.

However, I wouldn't seriously consider not having the kids we do, and obviously we decided we wanted one more. I never would have guessed 15 years ago I'd be a mom to 4, but here I am. The kids have built-in playmates (which we didn't growing up), and they bring joy that makes all the chaotic moments and busy days worthwhile. As they get a little older, I love seeing their personalities and spending time with them. I know it's not for everyone, but I'm happy with the decision. We still get to do things like go out for meals, eat dinner together, and go on vacation.

[Anonymous]

I wanted 3 but have 2. I still think my heart wants a third, but my head knows that isn't right for our family. Sometimes, you have to look at your situation realistically and know when to stop.

We do not have the finances to give 3 kids everything we want to give. Also, my DH isn't the most helpful- despite years of trying and some improvement on his part. If he were the type of man who shared chores equally, perhaps a third would make sense. But he doesn't, and I am only capable of so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted 3 but have 2. I still think my heart wants a third, but my head knows that isn't right for our family. Sometimes, you have to look at your situation realistically and know when to stop.

We do not have the finances to give 3 kids everything we want to give. Also, my DH isn't the most helpful- despite years of trying and some improvement on his part. If he were the type of man who shared chores equally, perhaps a third would make sense. But he doesn't, and I am only capable of so much.

+1. DH and I thought 3 or 4 kids without hesitation, until we had one. My first pregnancy was a dream until I developed severe PPD/PPA. After 2 years, I felt ready to go through it all again. Pregnancy #2 was complicated and resulted in 20 weeks of bed rest. My PPD/PPA was well managed but still a struggle for the first year. I'd love to be someone who could have more children but it's not right for our family. Even through our experience there are times when I can picture us with 3 little ones, but when I think 20 years from now I see our family as a family of 4. That's what brings me peace during my moments of question.