DH Appears to Have Given Me an Ultimatum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the above true OP? Do you keep all the money you earn and invest it while his salary pays all the bills? Who pays the mortgage, whose name is on the rental properties? Do you own those outright? What bills are you paying OP?

How much money do you send to your parents or family members in the home country? Is that a rub? Or did they help you buy your rental properties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Why does he cover 100% of the financial burden when you have a job? Need more info about how expenses are covered.

I don't understand this either.

Me neither.

If he is covering all living costs while OP is becoming a DC area real estate mogul, I can see why he is upset.

Maybe you and dh need to go to a financial counselor OP, and work this mess out.

Maybe they need to divorce. This isn't sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Half your assets are his and half his debts are yours. And yes, you have to pay taxes on your rental properties. Your husband was right about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does counseling embarrass you?

I'd like to hear his side of the story before making a decision. I'm guessing it's has a lot of info not included above. Have you consider a professional mediator?

A few items:

1. I don't like counseling because I feel it doesn't work. He brings out all our dirty laundry before some stranger and our problems are not resovled. Example: 10 years ago, he filed for divorce. I convinced him to pull it back. We went to counseling, but he still ended taking an overseas assignment rather than find a new job like I was begging him to. He left me and my DD and went off, and I know he probably cheated on me during that assignment. He had to, because when I visited he knew all sorts of women.

2. I grew up very poor. After following DH around to two countries, I wanted to stay in the U.S. when we move here. It took me five years to find a job. I now have a good paying job. I don't want to give it up. When I had a job and we comingled finances, DH took my money to pay his student loans. I don't want him to have access to my money because he will just be profligate.

3. Thanks to me, we own two homes and three apartments. We bought our current house with money I earned, ditto for the three apartments. DH has terrible credit b/c he is bad with money. He always had and always has debts.

4. DH tried to hang me out with the IRS, claiming I owed incomce taxes on the rent generated by my three apartments. I am sorry, but they withhold my taxes at work.

Anything else?

Get thee to a lawyer and plan, plan, plan this divorce. Find a lawyer that will help you keep the most of what you have saved. If you've kept finances separate then you might be in an ok position.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your jobs are also an issue. It sounds like you met your husband while he was posted overseas, followed him back to the US when his post ended, and then wanted to stay in the US permanently. What were you doing for the 5 years it took you to find a job? Why did it take that long? Did you not expect him to consider overseas positions ever again?

NP here. It sounds to me like she did meet him while he was on assignment out of the country. She probably came to the US without a work visa and it took 5 years for her to get her green card and be able to work.

[Anonymous]

You said my daughter, is it his daughter too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH came home today and told me we need to change our relationship. He said he is tired of bearing one hundred percent of the financial burden for our family, tired of the stress that it is putting on him. He said one of three things are going to happen:

1. I am going to step up to the plate and start paying my "fair share" share of the household bills, i.e. mortgage, utilities, etc.
2. I am going to quit my job and follow him on a new overseas assignment, and either we sell or rent out the house because it is too much a burden for him alone.
3. We get divorced, and he gets his equitable distribution from our "joint assets," whatever that means. I have my own savings and have made successful investments. He doesn't have much saved. That's his problem I guess.

He said one of three things are going to happen:

Adding a fourth...

4. You are going to shake your rump like it's midnight at the Oasis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does counseling embarrass you?

I'd like to hear his side of the story before making a decision. I'm guessing it's has a lot of info not included above. Have you consider a professional mediator?

A few items:

1. I don't like counseling because I feel it doesn't work. He brings out all our dirty laundry before some stranger and our problems are not resovled. Example: 10 years ago, he filed for divorce. I convinced him to pull it back. We went to counseling, but he still ended taking an overseas assignment rather than find a new job like I was begging him to. He left me and my DD and went off, and I know he probably cheated on me during that assignment. He had to, because when I visited he knew all sorts of women.

2. I grew up very poor. After following DH around to two countries, I wanted to stay in the U.S. when we move here. It took me five years to find a job. I now have a good paying job. I don't want to give it up. When I had a job and we comingled finances, DH took my money to pay his student loans. I don't want him to have access to my money because he will just be profligate.

3. Thanks to me, we own two homes and three apartments. We bought our current house with money I earned, ditto for the three apartments. DH has terrible credit b/c he is bad with money. He always had and always has debts.

4. DH tried to hang me out with the IRS, claiming I owed incomce taxes on the rent generated by my three apartments. I am sorry, but they withhold my taxes at work.

Anything else?

Get thee to a lawyer and plan, plan, plan this divorce. Find a lawyer that will help you keep the most of what you have saved. If you've kept finances separate then you might be in an ok position.

Good luck.

Don't count on it. It sounds like he supported her for five years while she wasn't working, and he pays all their living expenses, including their mortgage. And as a general rule, all income earned and assets acquired during a marriage are considered marital property. OP said she came from a poorer family, so it's not like she bought them with a separate inheritance. She will almost certainly get half the marital assets, and separate finances have nothing to do with it (not least because they aren't separate if her husband is paying the mortgage and household expenses).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you work it’s insane he pays 100% of the bills.

+1

[Anonymous]

What does it even mean that you have a job and you are saving. In marriage his money is yours just as yours is his. Legally.
It should go to one pot and all expenses should be paid from it. If you split, anything is left is divided.
How do you find it fair for him to pay for everything when you have your own separate financial life?
This is not how it works. He is right. This is marriage. Unless you have some prenup, then you are subjected to all laws and they are not in your favor in this case. Marriage is a mutual contribution and if you guys are not doing it but splitting like that, what else is left?

[Anonymous]

Unless you have a prenup, and unless you have saved money from before you were married then everything he and you earn is a common property

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. I am going to step up to the plate and start paying my "fair share" share of the household bills, i.e. mortgage, utilities, etc.
2. I am going to quit my job and follow him on a new overseas assignment, and either we sell or rent out the house because it is too much a burden for him alone.
3. We get divorced, and he gets his equitable distribution from our "joint assets," whatever that means. I have my own savings and have made successful investments. He doesn't have much saved. That's his problem I guess.

Anonymous wrote:

1. I don't like counseling because I feel it doesn't work. He brings out all our dirty laundry before some stranger and our problems are not resovled. Example: 10 years ago, he filed for divorce. I convinced him to pull it back. We went to counseling, but he still ended taking an overseas assignment rather than find a new job like I was begging him to. He left me and my DD and went off, and I know he probably cheated on me during that assignment. He had to, because when I visited he knew all sorts of women.

2. I grew up very poor. After following DH around to two countries, I wanted to stay in the U.S. when we move here. It took me five years to find a job. I now have a good paying job. I don't want to give it up. When I had a job and we comingled finances, DH took my money to pay his student loans. I don't want him to have access to my money because he will just be profligate.

3. Thanks to me, we own two homes and three apartments. We bought our current house with money I earned, ditto for the three apartments. DH has terrible credit b/c he is bad with money. He always had and always has debts.

4. DH tried to hang me out with the IRS, claiming I owed incomce taxes on the rent generated by my three apartments. I am sorry, but they withhold my taxes at work.

Anything else?

OP, these are your two main posts. Do you see the confusing aspects of them?

You say that your husband is demanding that you contribute "your fair share" to the household expenses. Then you say that you were the one who bought the house. If you bought the house with your money, who is paying the mortgage on your primary residence? Are you essentially using your salary to make investments for yourself and leaving your husband to pay for the living expenses of the family?

Your jobs are also an issue. It sounds like you met your husband while he was posted overseas, followed him back to the US when his post ended, and then wanted to stay in the US permanently. What were you doing for the 5 years it took you to find a job? Why did it take that long? Did you not expect him to consider overseas positions ever again?

Honestly, it does not sound like you approach marriage from a very collaborative place. I can see why your husband does not want to just discuss things with you at home and prefers the idea of a counselor.

Spot on. OP, can you reconcile your posts above?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH came home today and told me we need to change our relationship. He said he is tired of bearing one hundred percent of the financial burden for our family, tired of the stress that it is putting on him. He said one of three things are going to happen:

1. I am going to step up to the plate and start paying my "fair share" share of the household bills, i.e. mortgage, utilities, etc.
2. I am going to quit my job and follow him on a new overseas assignment, and either we sell or rent out the house because it is too much a burden for him alone.
3. We get divorced, and he gets his equitable distribution from our "joint assets," whatever that means. I have my own savings and have made successful investments. He doesn't have much saved. That's his problem I guess.

I am not interested in marriage counseling. We have been through that and it does nothing but embarrass me.

1.You have your savings because you are leaching on him.
2.You don't have savings. It is not yours, they belong to him just as they belong to you.
3. You made investments thinking this is your money to invest, no, it was your both money, you just happened to be the one to invest it and any income form this is to be divided including the property.
4. He did not have much saved? Yes he does, your savings are his savings. Besides how could he saved anything if his salary covers all the expenses and yours does not?
5. This is not his problem. This is your problem. His problem is your problem and it looks like your shrewd and calculated way is something that is already coming back at you and biting you back.

I am sure you are a good person but your thinking is faulty. You live in a country that has very specific law comes to marriage and finances and as long as you live here you are subjected to all the laws. He is on the right side of it at this time.
It does not look like you care about your husband in a single bit, but all you care is money. This is the beginning of the end.

[Anonymous]

I've clearly been reading this site to long. There are from time to time nearly identical posts about a man living overseas and his wife is a lawyer (maybe biglaw) and they have this exact arrangement where he is allegedly paying the expenses from his paycheck and she saves all of her paycheck or uses it to buy things for herself. I believe he also claims that she does not let the child visit him at his overseas post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've clearly been reading this site to long. There are from time to time nearly identical posts about a man living overseas and his wife is a lawyer (maybe biglaw) and they have this exact arrangement where he is allegedly paying the expenses from his paycheck and she saves all of her paycheck or uses it to buy things for herself. I believe he also claims that she does not let the child visit him at his overseas post.

Are you saying OP is a troll, since the same posts never get resolved? Or that it’s an actual person?