DH Appears to Have Given Me an Ultimatum

[Anonymous]

My DH came home today and told me we need to change our relationship. He said he is tired of bearing one hundred percent of the financial burden for our family, tired of the stress that it is putting on him. He said one of three things are going to happen:

1. I am going to step up to the plate and start paying my "fair share" share of the household bills, i.e. mortgage, utilities, etc.
2. I am going to quit my job and follow him on a new overseas assignment, and either we sell or rent out the house because it is too much a burden for him alone.
3. We get divorced, and he gets his equitable distribution from our "joint assets," whatever that means. I have my own savings and have made successful investments. He doesn't have much saved. That's his problem I guess.

I am not interested in marriage counseling. We have been through that and it does nothing but embarrass me.

[Anonymous]

Do you work op? Why does he feel that he carries all the financial weight and stress? There is no context or question in your post, but if you work, then start contributing financially as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, whose income is used to cover expenses? How do you currently contribute to mortgage, utilities, childcare, etc?

Please don’t tell me that you both work but his money covers expenses and your income is yours to save.

[Anonymous]

Why are your finances so separate? Why should he pay for everything while you invest?

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. Why does he cover 100% of the financial burden when you have a job? Need more info about how expenses are covered.

[Anonymous]

You do sound expensive.

[Anonymous]

Your savings and investments from money you earned during the marriage will be considered joint if you split.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's resentful of the way you two have split (or not split) the financial burdens of having a family and home. Is this what embarrasses you when you go to counseling? Could your embarrassment be a signal that your finances are in fact split very unfairly? I think you need to ask yourself that.

[Anonymous]

How does he expect you to get a job overseas?

And yes, all your savings, etc. is joint, and will be equitably distributed between the two of you.

If you are working and not contributing to daily bills, I assume your money is being used for savings, and in that respect you are contributing to finances. You guys need savings. But maybe he doesn’t like looking st it that way.

You could redistribute responsibility. Both of you base bill paying and savings proportionately on your salaries. If he makes 60% of the HHi and you make 40%, develop a budget that includes saving and split the cost proportionately. So he will have to start saving too.

Without knowing more, he just seems stressed by finances. So I’d also do a credit check and see if he’s run up something you don’t know about. But if this is his one pressure, work to relieve it, and he should hopefully calm down a bit.

[Anonymous]

Why does counseling embarrass you?

I'd like to hear his side of the story before making a decision. I'm guessing it's has a lot of info not included above. Have you consider a professional mediator?

[Anonymous]

team DH here. assuming you're not a troll, too many folks are being too polite with you.

with your attitude, I can only imagine what life is like at home and hope your DH takes you to the f*cking cleaners.

[Anonymous]

Do you have children?

[Anonymous]

Welcome to many homes whether this is a troll or not. Start contributing you lazy, rationalizing twit. He already has an exit plan.

[Anonymous]

If you work it’s insane he pays 100% of the bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does counseling embarrass you?

I'd like to hear his side of the story before making a decision. I'm guessing it's has a lot of info not included above. Have you consider a professional mediator?

A few items:

1. I don't like counseling because I feel it doesn't work. He brings out all our dirty laundry before some stranger and our problems are not resovled. Example: 10 years ago, he filed for divorce. I convinced him to pull it back. We went to counseling, but he still ended taking an overseas assignment rather than find a new job like I was begging him to. He left me and my DD and went off, and I know he probably cheated on me during that assignment. He had to, because when I visited he knew all sorts of women.

2. I grew up very poor. After following DH around to two countries, I wanted to stay in the U.S. when we move here. It took me five years to find a job. I now have a good paying job. I don't want to give it up. When I had a job and we comingled finances, DH took my money to pay his student loans. I don't want him to have access to my money because he will just be profligate.

3. Thanks to me, we own two homes and three apartments. We bought our current house with money I earned, ditto for the three apartments. DH has terrible credit b/c he is bad with money. He always had and always has debts.

4. DH tried to hang me out with the IRS, claiming I owed incomce taxes on the rent generated by my three apartments. I am sorry, but they withhold my taxes at work.

Anything else?