DH Appears to Have Given Me an Ultimatum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does counseling embarrass you?

I'd like to hear his side of the story before making a decision. I'm guessing it's has a lot of info not included above. Have you consider a professional mediator?

A few items:

1. I don't like counseling because I feel it doesn't work. He brings out all our dirty laundry before some stranger and our problems are not resovled. Example: 10 years ago, he filed for divorce. I convinced him to pull it back. We went to counseling, but he still ended taking an overseas assignment rather than find a new job like I was begging him to. He left me and my DD and went off, and I know he probably cheated on me during that assignment. He had to, because when I visited he knew all sorts of women.

2. I grew up very poor. After following DH around to two countries, I wanted to stay in the U.S. when we move here. It took me five years to find a job. I now have a good paying job. I don't want to give it up. When I had a job and we comingled finances, DH took my money to pay his student loans. I don't want him to have access to my money because he will just be profligate.

3. Thanks to me, we own two homes and three apartments. We bought our current house with money I earned, ditto for the three apartments. DH has terrible credit b/c he is bad with money. He always had and always has debts.

4. DH tried to hang me out with the IRS, claiming I owed incomce taxes on the rent generated by my three apartments. I am sorry, but they withhold my taxes at work.

Anything else?

Get a divorce. It's over.

[Anonymous]

Try to stay married for 7 more years
do everything by the book tax wise
Gather your docs and make a plan
set aside a bit of cash off the books
Get a divorce

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Divorce him, but be ready to lose half of your properties. It sounds like you are an immigrant? Immigrant women are often reluctant to divorce their US husbands, don't be. You don't need his sorry a**.

Why is he the sorry a** loser rather than she being someone who doesn't want to contribute? She seems to be financially abusive.

Doubtful. She is an immigrant that got a job, traveled the world wit him, and he sounds like a petulant baby.

Hi Harpie!!!!!

Hi, subservient "knows her place" wife.

ahh, the frigid hag has reared her ugly head again....you never grow tired of blindly beating up on anything and everything about men. get some help, seriously.

Did you sign all your "assets" to your DH? Do you make him "welcome" at home? Do you appreciate HIM? No doubt you spend all your time on dcum since he doesn't let you out of the house, where you belong. Or are you literary chained up and "loving it?"

oh my, so many things wrong with you, you tired, nasty excuse of a human being. have a blessed day

That's rich coming from you who started the insults!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

1. I am going to step up to the plate and start paying my "fair share" share of the household bills, i.e. mortgage, utilities, etc.
2. I am going to quit my job and follow him on a new overseas assignment, and either we sell or rent out the house because it is too much a burden for him alone.
3. We get divorced, and he gets his equitable distribution from our "joint assets," whatever that means. I have my own savings and have made successful investments. He doesn't have much saved. That's his problem I guess.

Anonymous wrote:

1. I don't like counseling because I feel it doesn't work. He brings out all our dirty laundry before some stranger and our problems are not resovled. Example: 10 years ago, he filed for divorce. I convinced him to pull it back. We went to counseling, but he still ended taking an overseas assignment rather than find a new job like I was begging him to. He left me and my DD and went off, and I know he probably cheated on me during that assignment. He had to, because when I visited he knew all sorts of women.

2. I grew up very poor. After following DH around to two countries, I wanted to stay in the U.S. when we move here. It took me five years to find a job. I now have a good paying job. I don't want to give it up. When I had a job and we comingled finances, DH took my money to pay his student loans. I don't want him to have access to my money because he will just be profligate.

3. Thanks to me, we own two homes and three apartments. We bought our current house with money I earned, ditto for the three apartments. DH has terrible credit b/c he is bad with money. He always had and always has debts.

4. DH tried to hang me out with the IRS, claiming I owed incomce taxes on the rent generated by my three apartments. I am sorry, but they withhold my taxes at work.

Anything else?

OP, these are your two main posts. Do you see the confusing aspects of them?

You say that your husband is demanding that you contribute "your fair share" to the household expenses. Then you say that you were the one who bought the house. If you bought the house with your money, who is paying the mortgage on your primary residence? Are you essentially using your salary to make investments for yourself and leaving your husband to pay for the living expenses of the family?

Your jobs are also an issue. It sounds like you met your husband while he was posted overseas, followed him back to the US when his post ended, and then wanted to stay in the US permanently. What were you doing for the 5 years it took you to find a job? Why did it take that long? Did you not expect him to consider overseas positions ever again?

Honestly, it does not sound like you approach marriage from a very collaborative place. I can see why your husband does not want to just discuss things with you at home and prefers the idea of a counselor.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP, All your money is yours and all of his is yours too!

[Anonymous]

so, you think he cheated on you; he's a profligate with money; and he wants you to quit your job and follow him around.

Why are you still married to him again?

[Anonymous]

OP:
- separate your finances
- separate if necessary. No need to divorce. Not right away.
- no need to divorce right away IF legal advice tells you it's safe to wait.
- encourage him to take any job he likes, overseas if he likes.
- sell the house. Sounds like you can't afford it if he takes the job overseas
- unless you can't afford something on-your-own, assume you can't afford it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does he expect you to get a job overseas?

And yes, all your savings, etc. is joint, and will be equitably distributed between the two of you.

If you are working and not contributing to daily bills, I assume your money is being used for savings, and in that respect you are contributing to finances. You guys need savings. But maybe he doesn’t like looking st it that way.

You could redistribute responsibility. Both of you base bill paying and savings proportionately on your salaries. If he makes 60% of the HHi and you make 40%, develop a budget that includes saving and split the cost proportionately. So he will have to start saving too.

Without knowing more, he just seems stressed by finances. So I’d also do a credit check and see if he’s run up something you don’t know about. But if this is his one pressure, work to relieve it, and he should hopefully calm down a bit.

I live overseas as a "trailing spouse" and have managed to have a satisfying career but if long term earning potential for you is a concern (which it sounds like it is imediately for him) a move is stressful on a marriage and very unlikely to help yur career long term.

[Anonymous]

OP,
who funded your lifestyle while you weren't working? why did it take you 5 years to get a job?

Why do you consider his obligations be to support you, but your obligations are only to support yourself? (dont give me bs about growing up poor, that doesn't entitle you to financially abuse your spouse)

If you made so much money that you can buy several houses and apartments, then why aren't you contributing to expenses and why wouldn't you cover his student loans so that you can both maximize your earnings and retirement?

Did it occur to you that his debts were incurred and not paid off because for a long time you weren't working and now that you are you refuse to share your earnings?

Do you understand that the rental income you make is taxed separately from your work income? Unless you asked work to tax you at a much higher rate--equivalent to your salary plus rental income minus rental expenses, you were not taxed for this income. You need a cpa to understand how to maximize rental income and taxes.

Do you understand that in the event a divorce you do not get to decide what is and isn't your money? Do you understand that monies and properties earned during a marriage are split during the divorce unless there is a prenup (and even then..)? You will also not get alimony as you are working and making good money.

You mention you have a child--who pays her expenses? and more generally, what abot household utilities, medical, car, mortgage, insurance, groceries, travel etc? Do you each contribute a percentage based on your respective incomes or what? Do you contribute 50/50 and your husband thinks you should contribute more because you make more?

What happened with your retirement funds when you weren't working?

marriage counseling is not about "airing dirty laundry"--its about communicating about problems and issues in the marriage. Now, if you both go in expecting the counselor to 'take sides' then it wont work. Finally, I dont know what the situation is with your husband's overseas job and I can understand that you would prefer him to stay put. But does he have a career that requires this, like foreign service? If so, surely you knew what you were getting into.

[Anonymous]

Just divorce. Much easier.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like the wife of the guy that is constantly complaining about his codependent crazy wife and daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH came home today and told me we need to change our relationship. He said he is tired of bearing one hundred percent of the financial burden for our family, tired of the stress that it is putting on him. He said one of three things are going to happen:

1. I am going to step up to the plate and start paying my "fair share" share of the household bills, i.e. mortgage, utilities, etc.
2. I am going to quit my job and follow him on a new overseas assignment, and either we sell or rent out the house because it is too much a burden for him alone.
3. We get divorced, and he gets his equitable distribution from our "joint assets," whatever that means. I have my own savings and have made successful investments. He doesn't have much saved. That's his problem I guess.

I am not interested in marriage counseling. We have been through that and it does nothing but embarrass me.

Wtf. Who goes divorce nuclear to kick off a discussion about the family budget? What an @$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH came home today and told me we need to change our relationship. He said he is tired of bearing one hundred percent of the financial burden for our family, tired of the stress that it is putting on him. He said one of three things are going to happen:

1. I am going to step up to the plate and start paying my "fair share" share of the household bills, i.e. mortgage, utilities, etc.
2. I am going to quit my job and follow him on a new overseas assignment, and either we sell or rent out the house because it is too much a burden for him alone.
3. We get divorced, and he gets his equitable distribution from our "joint assets," whatever that means. I have my own savings and have made successful investments. He doesn't have much saved. That's his problem I guess.

I am not interested in marriage counseling. We have been through that and it does nothing but embarrass me.

Does he have one those Gov’t jobs that really only trust funders stay in? If so, he had better wake up and go private industry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Why does he cover 100% of the financial burden when you have a job? Need more info about how expenses are covered.

I don't understand this either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Why does he cover 100% of the financial burden when you have a job? Need more info about how expenses are covered.

I don't understand this either.

Me neither.

If he is covering all living costs while OP is becoming a DC area real estate mogul, I can see why he is upset.

Maybe you and dh need to go to a financial counselor OP, and work this mess out.