standing meeting change that conflicts with drop-off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you explain the situation to the principal, I bet a teacher or aide will come early and let your child wait in their room until school starts. Especially if you pay them.

+1 Most schools have before-care beginning at 6:30 am. One day a week at before-school care would work and then you hopefully can make your call.

I am concerned that you aren't advocating for yourself with your employer. It sounds like they would be flexible or could find someone to attend in your place for 8 weeks until your husband returns. You aren't asking for a permanent change, just help to bridge the gap until your family is back up to 2 parents full-time living at home.

Maybe I missed it but what industry are you in that a 7 am meeting is the norm? Most jobs are 9-5. I think most of the respondents here are having a hard time understanding how your job even has that many people at work that a 7 am meeting would be okay.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you can't talk it out with someone to explain that you simply are not available for a call at that hour, especially if you are willing to consider quitting. What do you have to lose?

But yeah, put the kid on the bus if you have bus service. She'll be fine.

I've been with them for almost 15 years. I've never asked for anything like this - that's why.

SO YOU HAVE BUILT UP THE GOOD WILL TO BE ABLE TO ASK FOR THESE KINDS OF THINGS OP!!!!

You need to realize your mindset about this is completely bonkers. I'm sorry to be harsh but this is really toxic thinking. You need to be a model for your daughter that when you need something, you speak up. Do you really want your daughter to grow up thinking that she always has to deal with everything on her own, with no help from others?

I've been begging for help (outside of work) since she was born. it's never materialized. Yes, you always need to be prepared to do everything yourself. People are unreliable.

OP, reread what you wrote here. Now ask yourself why you haven't been able to find any sense of community after all this time. The answer is in front of you.

That I don't trust people, because when I was practically suicidal from PPD, no one even bothered calling, except my mother who told me my child deserved better? Yeah, ok. It's my fault. It's my fault his commander's wife said a meal train wasn't going to happen during the summer because everyone was on vacation and she hoped I understood? Give me a break. That was two duty stations ago. I haven't bothered meeting anyone since.

None of this is your fault. None of it!

Sorry to hear you've been going through all of this. Your husband is deployed so you are basically a single parent, the commander's wife screwed up a kind gesture, your mom is not supportive, and now you have to deal with a potential work situation.

Of all of these problems, at least you can wield some control over when the meeting can start. Just ask!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you can't talk it out with someone to explain that you simply are not available for a call at that hour, especially if you are willing to consider quitting. What do you have to lose?

But yeah, put the kid on the bus if you have bus service. She'll be fine.

I've been with them for almost 15 years. I've never asked for anything like this - that's why.

SO YOU HAVE BUILT UP THE GOOD WILL TO BE ABLE TO ASK FOR THESE KINDS OF THINGS OP!!!!

You need to realize your mindset about this is completely bonkers. I'm sorry to be harsh but this is really toxic thinking. You need to be a model for your daughter that when you need something, you speak up. Do you really want your daughter to grow up thinking that she always has to deal with everything on her own, with no help from others?

I've been begging for help (outside of work) since she was born. it's never materialized. Yes, you always need to be prepared to do everything yourself. People are unreliable.

OP, reread what you wrote here. Now ask yourself why you haven't been able to find any sense of community after all this time. The answer is in front of you.

That I don't trust people, because when I was practically suicidal from PPD, no one even bothered calling, except my mother who told me my child deserved better? Yeah, ok. It's my fault. It's my fault his commander's wife said a meal train wasn't going to happen during the summer because everyone was on vacation and she hoped I understood? Give me a break. That was two duty stations ago. I haven't bothered meeting anyone since.

I get where you're coming from OP. I'm all about self-sufficiency too, and so's my husband. Never ask for help, never expect it, never rely on anyone for anything. Here's the thing - it's not working for you if that imperative is going to prompt you to quit your job. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy - if you have decided not to bother anyone you meet now because of something that happened in another place, with other people, then you are dooming yourself AND YOUR KIDS to a very lonely and hard destiny. I'm not dealing with anything nearly as complicated as a deployed spouse, but I have slowly begun to learn that trying to ask for help when you need it can be a good thing, even if it's just texting a neighbor to ask if s/he can give your kid a ride to soccer practice. Sometimes you just might find, you get the help you need. It's not going to solve your immediate problem, but it will make your life a little bit better and a little less lonely.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If the only way you can make it work is to take it at home and then drop the kids, then tell that to your manager. "Happy to take the call, but I'll have to do it at home before I drop the kids. That will put me into the office 30 minutes later (or whatever) than usual."

I get not wanting to talk about your personal life at work, but you could always add that you'd be happy to take it in office once DH returns from deployment the beginning of next year.

The problem is that they literally conflict. DD needs to be at school in the middle of the meeting (15 minute window).

This is a problem with a finite period of time. If this is school, summer break is coming, yes? If your husband is deployed, he will return at some point.
I want to chime in with the others to say you've got to rewire your brain's thinking on this. It is okay to ask for an alternate plan during this time period.
Some to try...
1. Do the meeting by phone (let the teacher's know you'll be in a meeting, so won't be chatting with them during the drop off.)
2. Ask school if you can post a message asking for parents willing to pick up a child. Depending on your schedule, you could offer to do pick up of their kid in exchange, or toss them some money. You don't need to be friends with them, just working out something with a fellow parent who is in your general area or who's route to school is in your area.
3. Ask if there can be reconsideration of the meeting time. Agree with others that there are bound to be others that might want a different time.

Again, it is COMPLETELY reasonable for you to ask for accommodations. This is not about you "letting your personal life impact colleagues."
If you had applied for a job, and when they were interviewing you, they stated that one of the responsibilities of this job was to participate in a in-person, in-office meeting at 7am, and you had accepted the job knowing that you had this conflict, THAT would be a problem. This is a completely different situation. It was not part of original job, it falls outside your normal work hours, etc.

Do NOT quit your job. I just listed 3 possible alternatives above, and I'm sure there are more. The option you should not consider is quitting your job!

1 doesn't work because I don't have cell phone reception for a 10 minute chunk of my drive home (I work from home full time - sorry! - so just going to school and back).
2 we've tried. I've even contacted his unit to see if anyone can help. We're willing to pay! But no one in our area attends that school.
3 Maybe.

Why don’t you just pull over then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are you afraid of getting arrested?

NP. This is not unusual in people with OCD who experience intrusive thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can take the call at home, just do it, then bring your child in late to school. No biggie, especially if she is 5. Let her watch tv and go into school a little late.

Kindergarten doesn't allow late starts.

Is this a public school? You document the situation in a letter and then you just drop her off late. There are literally like 6 weeks left in the year. What are they literally going to do? Nothing.

[Anonymous]

This thread is really long but did OP just try saying to the person holding the meeting "I can't make 7 am because of kid drop-off and husband is deployed. Can we push to 8? If not, I can call in from a coffee shop or get notes from Carol."

What are they going to do, fire you? People aren't monsters. Usually?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm the youngest in the group, so no one else has conflicts. It starts at 7 am now - about 20 people. My manager says, "Just make it work." I know I'm pretty stressed with the deployment and probably missing something obvious.

I don't think it's reasonable to tell someone to just make 7am work.

Yeah that's unreasonable. It's one thing if it was 10am and now it's 9am. 7am is not at all reasonable. OP, do you have anyone else at all who can help with drop-off? Who's your emergency contact?

I don't have one. DH and I have been trying our whole time here to make friends and it never happened, so...we just don't have one. Our parents are listed on the paperwork, but they're out of state. I spent a year trying to find a college student or nanny, but there weren't many options.

No advice, just sympathizing with you. I have been there.

Based on some of the things OP has said in this thread, I can see why she has no friends. And you've been at this job 15 years and don't have a single person you can confide in? Says a lot...

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm the youngest in the group, so no one else has conflicts. It starts at 7 am now - about 20 people. My manager says, "Just make it work." I know I'm pretty stressed with the deployment and probably missing something obvious.

I don't think it's reasonable to tell someone to just make 7am work.

Yeah that's unreasonable. It's one thing if it was 10am and now it's 9am. 7am is not at all reasonable. OP, do you have anyone else at all who can help with drop-off? Who's your emergency contact?

I don't have one. DH and I have been trying our whole time here to make friends and it never happened, so...we just don't have one. Our parents are listed on the paperwork, but they're out of state. I spent a year trying to find a college student or nanny, but there weren't many options.

No advice, just sympathizing with you. I have been there.

Based on some of the things OP has said in this thread, I can see why she has no friends. And you've been at this job 15 years and don't have a single person you can confide in? Says a lot...

She has severe mental health issues that are way above DCUM’s pay grade.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Is there cell reception at your DD's school? If so I would just get there early and have her get out of the car at the start of carline and then park until the meeting is over.

Have you called the school to see about before care options?

No beforecare.

Yes, I can sit in their parking lot. I'm just worried about how that looks, and don't want the police called on me (I have OCD, and fear of police/arrest is a big thing with me). But maybe I can let them know and they'd be ok with it once a week.

I think you need treatment for anxiety. This is not a normal fear, nor is your mindset of just quitting rather than be what you feel is a burden. This is not a normal amount of hand-wringing over a relatively benign issue.

I have sat in parking lots and parking spaces for hours taking calls. And I see lots of other people doing it too. And in carpool lines, grocery stores, etc. I don't think anyone would think twice about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can take the call at home, just do it, then bring your child in late to school. No biggie, especially if she is 5. Let her watch tv and go into school a little late.

Kindergarten doesn't allow late starts.

What do you mean they don't allow it. If it's a public school, they can't turn you away eve if you are hours late (you will likely get some contact from the school, but once a week, especially if you let them know, will be fine). I am late once a week with my kindergartner and I have no excuse!

[Anonymous]

Just take your child to school late on those days. Only 6 to 8 weeks keft. They aren't going to of the doors and not let her in. If they ask you say you have an appointment. She'll still pass to the next grade.

Hell find a hotel near the school to stay in every Monday night that way you will have cell service to drive to school.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm the youngest in the group, so no one else has conflicts. It starts at 7 am now - about 20 people. My manager says, "Just make it work." I know I'm pretty stressed with the deployment and probably missing something obvious.

I don't think it's reasonable to tell someone to just make 7am work.

Yeah that's unreasonable. It's one thing if it was 10am and now it's 9am. 7am is not at all reasonable. OP, do you have anyone else at all who can help with drop-off? Who's your emergency contact?

I don't have one. DH and I have been trying our whole time here to make friends and it never happened, so...we just don't have one. Our parents are listed on the paperwork, but they're out of state. I spent a year trying to find a college student or nanny, but there weren't many options.

No advice, just sympathizing with you. I have been there.

Based on some of the things OP has said in this thread, I can see why she has no friends. And you've been at this job 15 years and don't have a single person you can confide in? Says a lot...[/quote

She has severe mental health issues that are way above DCUM’s pay grade.

Said in a more compassionate way, I think OP has some anxiety for which talk therapy and medication may go a long way to providing her some relief. I know you are in a rural area, OP, but hopefully you can find some sort of mental health provider or even a primary care doc. This really sounds like anxiety to me, complete with intrusive thoughts/rumination.

[Anonymous]

This whole thing is so strange. I'm having a hard time understanding feeling so paralyzed by such a minor problem. It must be a severe mental issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe I missed it but what industry are you in that a 7 am meeting is the norm? Most jobs are 9-5. I think most of the respondents here are having a hard time understanding how your job even has that many people at work that a 7 am meeting would be okay.

It doesn't matter what industry. She said that her large company shifted the meeting earlier to accommodate clients abroad, most likely in Asia. 7AM in EST would be 8PM in Tokyo. 8AM would be 9PM. The clients probably asked if the meeting could start later and OP's company, wanting to appeal to the customer, agreed and is just making the employees accept the schedule. This has happened in many industries that have Asian-based clients.

OP--this morning, I dropped my kids off for Spring camp. As I was about to pull out of the parking lot, I got a text asking if I was in the office yet. A meeting that I was supposed to be invited to last week had started and the coordinator had forgotten to include my email on the invite, so I had never seen it. I just pulled into an empty parking spot at the facility and dialed into the meeting. Most days, after I drop my kids off, I pull into the guest parking spots at their school and check my email to see if there is anything urgent that I need to attend to and how quickly. I have called into last minute meetings from the school parking lot on more than one occasion or sat there in a guest parking space sending reply emails to things that need an answer before I get into the office.

It's not an issue. I would guess that no one notices or cares. I've certainly never had anyone approach my car. Even if a police officer approached, they would just ask what I was doing and I would explain that I had just dropped my child off at school and was responding to a message before driving to the office. But I can't imagine even this happening. Just pull into a guest parking spot at the school and dial into the call.