Is my partner still in love with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume Op that you have read these boards enough to know that you would get a beating for being a male with needs.

Trust me, there are women and people who do see men as humans with emotions and needs and that doesn't make them bad people. There are many wives who love their husbands and who show them affection, support, appreciation, and who take an interest in their lives.

Women and men are not that different - some are caring people, some aren't. Some give in a marriage, some only take. Some treat people well, some don't. A loveless, sexless marriage where one person doesn't care about the other person's life or needs is not healthy.

You need to address this with your wife. If not, it will eat at your soul and spirit and harm you. You may need to try marital counseling, you may end up divorced.

Ok but this is not advice. When people come here with an issue, so often the "advice" is just outrage that their partner needs to change. Like when women come and complain about lazy partners. "He needs to pull his weight!" How is that helpful? When a woman comes here and says that her husband isn't helping I tell her to stop doing anything for him and let the things he is responsible for fall apart (natural consequences), although only the smart ones ever take this advice. (It worked for me in my marriage).

And when a man comes and complains about his wife not being particularly into him, I tell him to stop looking like a wet dog around her and go get a life. Let her wonder why you're not as attentive to her than you were in the past.

Being in denial about human nature doesn't work. You have to play the game. C'est la vie.

This is bad advice though. If he "gets a life," as you call it, he's inevitably going to find another woman to be interested in. Then he'll cheat and the wife will rightly feel betrayed and abandoned and they'll get a divorce.

I think you are projecting your fears. I do not think that has to happen at all. Especially if "getting a life" doesn't involve things going to bars and flirting but perhaps playing sports once a week with other men, going to a networking event here and there, going to the gym regularly, planning new things and experiences for the 2 of them even though she is the one who likes to do the planning as he stated in his OP. There are lot's of marriage-friendly ways to "get a life"

[Anonymous]

OP - it sucks that you are where you are but you aren't the first and you are far from alone in how you feel.

I agree with the folks saying communicate. Sit down with her, have your child spend the night/afternoon, whatever, with a relative or take time off work while she is at daycare. Sit down and let her know that this is important. Let her know you are feeling unloved and why. If that doesn't help, the next step is counseling. Sometimes it takes a 3rd party to get through to a person. After being together so long, your voice can be white noise.

[Anonymous]

It seems like the advice here is split between (1) talk to her and let her know how you feel and (2) play the game of being more distant, doing your own thing and becoming a more engaging person and then see if that wakes her up to you.

I'm wondering if there's a way to do both or whether these are kind of mutually exclusive.

For what it's worth, I feel like #2 never really works. An uninterested partner will be relieved if her spouse is suddenly less present and engaged.

[Anonymous]

You have to talk to her! I kind of had this dynamic with DH. and it was not that I didn't want to be married to him. I am just tapped out and it felt, sometimes, like another person wanting something from me. From waking up at 5:30 am with kids and dealing with that to work to coming home and dealing with dinner, kids, bath, bedtimes, and their constant neediness, by the time I get into bed I crave solitude.

HOWEVER, I also heard Dh loud and clear when he told me that he didn't crave solitude and that he was feeling rejected and unloved. So I told him how I felt, but also that I recognized my behavior was not conducive to a strong marriage. I am now more attentive to him, and his needs, and I try to carve out time for "us." He is more attentive to my needs for some space and will also try to give me some down time away from the kids.

the other thing we had to discuss is that DH thought we had equal work with the kids. Its true that we both work and are hands on with them, but they just cling to me much, much more, physically, emotionally, etc. The other part I had to explain is that the mental labor is 100% mine, so while we each put a kid to bed, right after he's surfing the web at night and I'm emailing the teacher, putting the appointments on the calendar, filing out the form or paying tuition, planning the bday party, buying plane tickets, enrolling kid in classes, etc. He has never done any of that and I had to explain that it was like there was always something to do, and my brain had a hard time shifting away from mom/multitask mode to partner/intimate mode.

[Anonymous]

We hit a low point in our marriage when our kids were young and I just felt too needed by everything in our lives (small kids, mental load of parenting, a needy husband, work, etc. etc. etc.). I rallied and kept the sex at 1-2 x/ week but it was a lot of mental effort for me to do that. Things got so much better once they were a little older (and my libido strongly improved in my late 30s/ early 40s - so it's more like 2-4x/ week). I still hate to talk about things past 10 pm so don't read into that.

So as a been-there-done-that person, focus on what you feel you need and get your wife to agree to have sex once per week (pick a night and know that's your night). After you get back in the groove, hopefully you can bump that up. Don't try to talk about things at bedtime. Your wife gets irritated and you feel rejected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to talk to her! I kind of had this dynamic with DH. and it was not that I didn't want to be married to him. I am just tapped out and it felt, sometimes, like another person wanting something from me. From waking up at 5:30 am with kids and dealing with that to work to coming home and dealing with dinner, kids, bath, bedtimes, and their constant neediness, by the time I get into bed I crave solitude.

HOWEVER, I also heard Dh loud and clear when he told me that he didn't crave solitude and that he was feeling rejected and unloved. So I told him how I felt, but also that I recognized my behavior was not conducive to a strong marriage. I am now more attentive to him, and his needs, and I try to carve out time for "us." He is more attentive to my needs for some space and will also try to give me some down time away from the kids.

the other thing we had to discuss is that DH thought we had equal work with the kids. Its true that we both work and are hands on with them, but they just cling to me much, much more, physically, emotionally, etc. The other part I had to explain is that the mental labor is 100% mine, so while we each put a kid to bed, right after he's surfing the web at night and I'm emailing the teacher, putting the appointments on the calendar, filing out the form or paying tuition, planning the bday party, buying plane tickets, enrolling kid in classes, etc. He has never done any of that and I had to explain that it was like there was always something to do, and my brain had a hard time shifting away from mom/multitask mode to partner/intimate mode.

Not OP, but anytime I try to have any discussion with DW she blows it into an argument. I never feel like I am heard and nothing gets resolved. This isn't even over the sex talk, this is just about anything that may have happened that I want to discuss with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ what they need is therapy.

They need a trained 3rd party to tell the wife straight up that her husband needs sex more than 2x a year or they're going to get a divorce.

You're the "fake it till you make" it poster, aren't you? You don't see how sexist and misogynistic it is to tell women to have sex even when they don't want to just because their men might want it?

How about telling me to be deserving of sex and to make their wives WANT to initiate?

Well, stop tricking men into marriage then.
If you can’t bear to have a regular sexual relationship with your marriage partner you should not be married. Simple.

This would be good advice to give to your daughters (and sons!).

- wife of 25 years

Nobody goes into marriage realizing they are going to get tired of sex with their spouse, y'know.

Falling out of love by middle age or just getting tired of one’s spouse may be somewhat new from a sociological standpoint. Not too long ago, by the time some spouses were ready to move on from a dead marriage, the wife died at age 30 during the birth of baby number six or the husband died in a war. Or one died from a tooth infection. Or died from the flu. Or was thrown from a horse. We simply didn’t have the opportunity to get sick of each other until the 20th century. And even then, if none of the above occurred, your church and the fear of eternal damnation kept you in line.

[Anonymous]

No. I'm one of the fake it til you make it posters.
~woman, not in a dead bedroom situation.

[Anonymous]

OP can you suggest a week away without your child? Can you leave him/her with someone else? DH and I do this at least once a year and it’s great! I understand your wife I think. If I have a very busy day that starts at 6 am with no break until the kids are asleep (we have 2 and I am pregnant with #3) I too just want silence and I don’t want anyone’s totouvh me or talk to me. I am shutting down friends as well not just DH. Fortunately I don’t feel like that everyday. I wish my parents lived closer so I could take a day “off” once in a while, but they don’t. We usually go visit them and drop off the kids and take a few days (sometimes a week) just for ourselves and I have a lot of love for DH then.

[Anonymous]

OP I've been where you are, and was able to fall back in love with my spouse. The key is that you need to tell her all the stuff you wrote here. You have to be vulnerable. Tell her you love her and miss XYZ type of intimacy. Tell her your feelings have been hurt so you pulled away, but now realize that wasn't the best strategy, and now you want to talk with her about what's been going on. Don't be accusatory take responsibility for perpetuating things by not communicating. Good luck! In love can come back.