Is my partner still in love with me?

[Anonymous]

We have been together for 10 years and have 1 toddler.

She shows love in some ways that maybe I should appreciate more--she plans dates, comes up with ideas for fun things on weekends, etc. But I sort of feel like she's doing that mostly because she's interested in having fun weekends and I'm just along for the ride. I think if I told her that I feel like she doesn't have romantic feelings for me, she'd point to all of the romantic dates and events she plans. But honestly, it feels like she wants to try new restaurants and go to events, and I'm just an activity partner.

I've asked her to be more physically affectionate, so she started kissing me me when I get home (a peck) and will sometimes cuddle on the couch if I initiate. If I'm loving to her and say nice things, she'll reciprocate and say loving/sweet things to me too. But, we're not having any sex at all, and I can tell she dreads physical and emotional intimacy particularly if she's tired. So, for example, if I try to tell her a story about work as we're getting ready for bed, I can tell she wishes I would just shut up. Sometimes she'll say "it's 10:00--do we have to talk about this now?" But it's not like she's curious about what I was saying and will ask me about it the next day. It's so humiliating and sad to be silenced by my partner, especially when I'm seeking her advice or input on something. And it's not like I'm waking her up at 2am to talk; I often try to chat as we're getting ready for bed, and she gets annoyed. She wants to read silently on her side of the bed for an hour instead of engage in any way with me. I love reading too, but if she wanted to talk, I'd put down my book willingly, even if I didn't feel like it. She asks me things like "how was your day," but doesn't ask me more intimate questions that show she's curious about my thoughts on something.

Anyway, I got tired of feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed, so I decided to stop initiating affection at all. I used to kiss her the moment I walked in the door, and now I just say "hey." I never go to bed at the same time she does so that I can avoid being shut down over and over again (with talking/cuddling--I never pressure her for sex or try to initiate anymore). I've withdrawn emotionally too, so now I also just say things like "good day at work?" instead of asking questions about particularly people or events.

I feel like she's happy to live this way--as roommates co-parenting a kid (who we both adore). She used to say loving things when I said loving things...but the second I stopped, she stopped too. I have to suppress my desire to hug her, say something sweet, kiss her, etc. But I feel like the opposite is true for her--being sweet is work.

There's lots of laughter and love in our house because we goof around with oru child and take lots of joy in her. What kills me is that she has an endless reservoir of physical affection for our child (as do I), but she has no reservoir for me.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do. We have a perfectly good marriage--no fights about money, religion, how to raise our kid, household chores, how to spend our time or anything like that. Our only fights relate to me wanting MORE from her--more affection, more passion, more interest, more engagement, more love. When I tell her these things, she never says "OH NO! I NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO FEEL UNLOVED! OF COURSE I LOVE/WANT/DESIRE/ADORE YOU!" I wish she'd leap into my arms and express love (again, not sexually, necessarily). Instead, of trying to reassure me, she gets defensive and annoyed, and makes me feel like I'm being a needy baby. And maybe that's true. I do feel like I need my partner to want me, emotionally and physically. In other respects, I'm not needy at all--I have a great group of friends, a great job, and I like doing things on my own.

Sometimes I feel like she wants the marriage to end, but she wants me to be the one to do it, so she's just going to be more and more passive until I leave and then she'll blame me for the demise of our family.

I truly love having a family and love my partner (thought the love is starting to get mixed up with a lot of sadness and resentment). I feel like happiness is within our grasp. We are good partners who get along really well on the surface. I just can't stop wanting to feel more love. How do I fix this? How do I get her to feel more emotional and physical passion for me? Being present and expressing desire just annoys her. And withdrawing doesn't make her chase after me. So what do I do?

Is she just not in love with me?

[Anonymous]

mine was the same. So i asked whats up? Told her how i was feeling and now im tired of the physical passion. She wants it like twice a day. I loved it in the beginning but you know once a day would be good for me. or just spontaneous fun. Regardless, talk to her. see whats up. it will help you make the right choice on how you want to go forward.

[Anonymous]

You sound sweet. How old is your toddler? How much are you sleeping? How many things do you plan?

[Anonymous]

Op here. We get plenty of sleep—toddler sleeps through the night.

I plan stuff too. I’d say I plan more things with groups of friends and she plans more family outings and dates. I do daycare drop off and pick up 4 days/week and probably a bit more than 50% of the house stuff (I’m a slightly neater person). So this isn’t about me not doing my share of stuff. I think we are both happy with the division of labor. I like keeping things clean so don’t mind that I do more of that. She likes organizing things like vacations so doesn’t mind doing that work. We both like time with the kid so we’ve never argued over one person doing less.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you just ask her? The length of your post makes me think that you are long winded and overthinking. That can be very annoying in a relationship, especially when you have a toddler around.

[Anonymous]

Op, you say that you want more from her. More of everything. You have a toddler who also wants more of her. Give it a rest for awhile. Nobody wants to feel like a parent to a needy adult.

[Anonymous]

This is the hardest part of a marriage. For sure. When there are young children, they constantly need something .... Constant physical tough, especially if nursing, cuddling, comforting, etc. Then when thevkis goes to bed YOU want something from her, too. She lovably wants to crawl right out of her skin. I know, I've been there.

But... I don't think it's fair to tell you to suck it up. You need to find a way to tell her so she hears you loud and clear. Lack of sex and emotional intimacy makes you feel actively unloved. It took this kind of jolt for me to realize that for my husband, sex = love. Tell her that you are seriously lacking in this area to the point that you are questioning your ability to stay in the relationship. Let her know you want to work on it, and suggest some possible solutions.

Then listen.... Really listen to her response.

[Anonymous]

She is tired -- that is what her not wanting to talk at 10 p.m. indicates.

I am like this with my DH; I am just so spent at the end of the day that I don't have another bit of time or attention to give. Many times I just need some space to breathe.

23:46 offers very good advice.

[Anonymous]

She’s tired. Being a working mom of a toddler is just exhausting. I need some quiet time at the end of the day, too. You should initiate sex though, otherwise that will get too far gone and it will become awkward. Even though I need some quiet time, I always have sex with my husband when he initiates.

[Anonymous]

Answering your question: No, she does not love you. A wife who loved you would not regularly reject sex. The question back at you now is: what are you going to do with this information?

[Anonymous]

Was there ever intimacy or passion? Did you ever have an active sex life together? Or has it always been this way, to some extent?

[Anonymous]

You sound very needy, and fairly passive aggressive. Not every evening together is a referendum on the quality of your relationship. Ditto whether your wife wants to have sex 3 or 6 or 1 time per week.

Most women are very expressive physically with their young children. You sound jealous of that, which to me is kind of frightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the hardest part of a marriage. For sure. When there are young children, they constantly need something .... Constant physical tough, especially if nursing, cuddling, comforting, etc. Then when thevkis goes to bed YOU want something from her, too. She lovably wants to crawl right out of her skin. I know, I've been there.

But... I don't think it's fair to tell you to suck it up. You need to find a way to tell her so she hears you loud and clear. Lack of sex and emotional intimacy makes you feel actively unloved. It took this kind of jolt for me to realize that for my husband, sex = love. Tell her that you are seriously lacking in this area to the point that you are questioning your ability to stay in the relationship. Let her know you want to work on it, and suggest some possible solutions.

Then listen.... Really listen to her response.

This.

And I’d say don’t overthink her responses to you. You are assuming that her responses mean she doesn’t love you, but the fact is she likely does...she’s just not working hard at speaking your love language so you know it.

I’m kinda in this spot with DH. We’ve been together for 17 years, have two kids...I know we take each other for granted but also there’s just an lack of the energy resource to put in the work to spark the relationship. I know I feel I loved at times, but I also know I’m not working super hard to make DH feel loved. We’ve talked about it here and there and make some small, but quickly fall into old patterns. Which kinda sucks, but we are on the same page on so many other things and the hard work we are putting into jobs and raising kids will make life easier later on and we’ll have more energy to put into the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was there ever intimacy or passion? Did you ever have an active sex life together? Or has it always been this way, to some extent?

Btw, if your affection for each other was always unequal then it will never change. If it used to be strong and decreased over time, then you can rekindle it.

Are you willing to end the marriage over this issue? If not, and she knows this, then nothing will change. If there is a real possibility that she might lose you then things could turn around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound very needy, and fairly passive aggressive. Not every evening together is a referendum on the quality of your relationship. Ditto whether your wife wants to have sex 3 or 6 or 1 time per week.

Most women are very expressive physically with their young children. You sound jealous of that, which to me is kind of frightening.

DW here and you are FOS. They are not having sex - at all. Ever. That would be a problem for most men and zero sex DOES reflect the quality of their marriage. There is nothing frightening in his post - stop projecting your own life circumstances on OP.