How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about people whose families are normal or who had good relationships with their families then decided they’re adults and to never speak to them again for no reason.

I don't think anything. I wasn't there and don't know what happened.

I do know some of my uncles were cut of from family, and by their own kids, and didn't show up at their parent's funeral, and that was for good cause. Some people are liabilities and even dangerous to be around or wasting time with. Including family. Minimize the drama, cut them off or at least step WAY back.

+1

It's not just favoritism (see PP). There are negative actions that have repercussions, on both sides. Sometimes it is simply not healthy to let the behavior perpetuate. Sometimes there are people who would love nothing more than to cut off certain abusive family members, but for whatever reason, can not. OP, you simply do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Just because the abusive family members do not talk about their actions, or admit their actions, or pretend everything is fine, doesn't mean that abuse did not happen. Let it go, it is not your business what other families do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about people whose families are normal or who had good relationships with their families then decided they’re adults and to never speak to them again for no reason.

This does not exist. There is always a reason. I dont speak to my mom and my sister would probably say "for no reason". In my family we are not allowed to have emotions. Negative feelings are invalid and unacceptable and therefore, anyone who feels hurt is hurt for "no reason".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who doesn't believe there is a 'reason' needs to read this.

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Oh my god....this so resonates with me. I feel like I need a support group. I'm recently estranged from my mom. I finally put down my foot and will no longer allow my feelings to be invalidated and dismissed. My mother absolutely will not hear that. It has resulted in even more invalidation. My mother will never ever accept any responsibility for how she makes me feel. I'm at a crossroads. Do I accept this or is this the end of the relationship with my mother for good. And yes, much like the OP, no doubt my mother thinks I cut her off for "no reason".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

This response tells me there is a very good reason you are cut off.

[Anonymous]

When your children are young they have no choice but to have relationships with their parents as dictated by their parents. When they become adults they have a choice.

Children may be parented well or badly, children may be overly sensitive or not.

I think it is wise to realize when raising your children that this time will come and parent accordingly if you want a relationship because each child has choice. Just because you think you are right in your authoritarian parenting (or favoritism or whatever) does not mean your children are obligated to spend time with you.

I love my kids and want relationships with them as adults and I parent accordingly, not assuming that I have all the answers or my children’s feelings do not matter as much as mine. That does not mean I am (or try to be) my child’s best friend, I am the parent, I just also treat my children with love and respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be in the minority but I think cutting family off for minor aggression is crazy and a sign of mental instability, narcissism and immaturity.

To be clear I am not referring to cases of legitimate abuse, emotional or physical, drugs or alcohol issues. Some people do have shitty families and I feel very sorry for them. The vast majority of whom I see that are estranged from their families are simply ridiculous and selfish people.

Examples:

Sidney is no longer speaking to her older sister because growing up older sister was the favorite and mom an dad showed her more attention. Her sister is a fine and normal person who can sometimes be bossy but Sidney thinks she and her mom and dad are "toxic" and has cut them off. She is, however, very close with her in laws and puts up with all sorts of crap from them. But anything her family says is crazy and they must be avoided.

Ally has put her mother at a distance because she is "old and annoying. She doesn't even know how an iphone works! why can't she get with the times?we're so different!"

Emma cut off her "low class" in laws because she was embarrassed by them. She doesn't let her children have any relationship with them.

We are all imperfect people. Even that difficult mother was once your "mommy" and stayed up all night and fretted over your every sound. Its silly to cut them off for minor human differences.

How do you know Sidney’s parents weren’t emotionally abusive? Blatant favoritism certainly isn’t healthy, and can definitely be abusive.

Omg not every imperfect parenting decision is “abusive.”

We live in a society where the young people feel so empowered to discard blood mothers fathers and siblings. If you don’t have loyalty to your blood relatives who can you possibly have loyalty to? We are rotting from the inside. It’s asinine that this selfish toxic behavior is applauded and seen as the norm.

If your 60+ mother says something awkward, be a grown up, put on your big girl pants and show her some grace and kindness. It’s your freaking mother!!she cleaned your poop and fed you and dealt with you being a teen monster. You’re so perfect that you don’t have the patience to show some kindness?

I was disowned in 2008 by my mother and father for falling in love with someone who is an AA man or in her words "a filthy n-word". My mother cleaned by poop and feed me and dealt with me being a teen monster. She said that I was bringing embarrassment upon her by loving a n-word. If fact when I told her about him during my visit home after dinner, she immediately threw all of my things on the lawn and told me to get out and never return. I saw her again once at a funeral and she refused to even be in the same room as me during the lunch after.

So I ask you, why was she not patient and showing kindness to me? She's supposed to love me unconditionally right?

Also don't assume it is always the young person who does the cutting off. People always that it was I who broke it off, but alas no. She broke it off. And, I was always a good kid, honor roll, ivy league, never in trouble, total nerd, etc. I never thought life would shake out this way. I've heard through the family grapevine she tells people that I'm addicted to drugs because that's the only way I could be in love with and married to my DH, and that our children must be crack babies living in poverty - we are both doctors who met in med school, so life is opposite.

But honestly, why do you think it's just the younger generation breaking things off?

I'm so sorry to hear that. That is awful. Your case is obviously not cutting off family for "no reason."

Since she cut you off without giving you a chance to demonstrate the validity of your new love, thats on her. She is the crazy person cutting off family.

I guess I should have added that I also heard that she tells others I cut her off for no reason. Then it goes into the assumption that I have drug and mental health issues that lead to the no reason cutting off.

Reality is that she has mental health issues. She is the reason that I became a psychiatrist as the mind has always puzzled me.

My argument is that there is ALWAYS a reason. You also might not get the true story or alternative facts. Or, in my case I don't tell others that I know are busy-bodies and will spread more gossip. My brother tried on my behalf years ago, which backfired as it totally meant I was on drugs if someone is saying they aren't. There is already enough, very untrue gossip floating around. It is just better to stay way from the situation.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, what’s your story? Do tell. You went through a lot of trouble to type out a long initial post, so what’s your backstory?

[Anonymous]

I think there is always a reason. However I think many times it's unwillingness to communicate or understand another person. I think it's usually damaged relationships from the beggining, one of the person is damaged or sometimes both.

[Anonymous]

Add me into the camp of people whose mothers tell everyone I cut her off “for no reason.” And no, it’s not for no reason. Toxic, manipulative, and sadistic are words that come to mind as reasons. Also, I spent countless hours trying to “fix” us as a teenager/young adult.

I haven’t talked or seen her in 8 years (with long stretches before that), and my life has a lot less drama in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is always a reason. However I think many times it's unwillingness to communicate or understand another person. I think it's usually damaged relationships from the beggining, one of the person is damaged or sometimes both.

+1.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a reason, and you know it. And it's not little or innocent. Face the truth.

[Anonymous]

There is a reason in their mind, and if that reason is more important than staying in touch with family, so be it.
Move on. I did. It's life. People have different values and different lifestyles. If the best way to respect that is to remove yourself from their lifestyle then that is what you do for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who doesn't believe there is a 'reason' needs to read this.

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Oh my god....this so resonates with me. I feel like I need a support group. I'm recently estranged from my mom. I finally put down my foot and will no longer allow my feelings to be invalidated and dismissed. My mother absolutely will not hear that. It has resulted in even more invalidation. My mother will never ever accept any responsibility for how she makes me feel. I'm at a crossroads. Do I accept this or is this the end of the relationship with my mother for good. And yes, much like the OP, no doubt my mother thinks I cut her off for "no reason".

Same here. Thanks for posting the link.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who doesn't believe there is a 'reason' needs to read this.

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Another thank you for sharing this. I'm sharing this with some friends. Thanks again for sharing.

Also agree that anyone who doesn't believe there is a reason should read this article.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about people whose families are normal or who had good relationships with their families then decided they’re adults and to never speak to them again for no reason.

OP, everyone is different. Some people put up with abuse and crap, some people do not. It is not rocket science.