How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

This. Someone is damaged - either the person doing the cut-off, or the family. People are complicated, and can have traumas that others don't know about which cause disruptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

OP, they cut you off because you probably have a pattern of dismissing their experiences as stupid and petty, according to you, and completely ignoring their feelings and experience. And that is a very valid reason for someone to cut you out.

Or, they cut her off because they are a person who loves drama and has a history of manipulative behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only person I've known to do this had serious mental health issues herself. So she was cutting people off "for no reason" but it was just that the people she was cutting off hadn't done anything wrong, she herself was the problem / was the source of the problems.

+1 I also think that it is a popular and accepted concept (to go nuclear or to ghost) within a certain age group of our society. I'm not sure of all the drivers but the symptoms certainly seem to be emotionally unstable, insecure and anxious, highly reactive and retaliatory to perceived slights, and generally unhappy.

OP, if a family member of yours has done something like this to you and your family then you need to accept that this family member is having emotional struggles and that there is nothing you can do until the person is ready to get help. Just stay open to any sign that the person is willing to reach out or accept contact.

It is a tough situation, I know, and I'm sorry you're going through it. It isn't you or your family, it is whatever is happening inside this other person.

[Anonymous]

The data shows a big spike in family estrangement over the past two decades in the U.S., almost always initiated by the younger generation. I don't know the answer. I do know it's not a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Parents make mistakes. Very few things justify permanent estrangement. Lots of young adults are going to discover this as they grow older but by then it may be too late.
(My sister refused to talk to mom intermittently, usually for periods of six months to a year. Her kids witnessed this and are now acting accordingly. One of them hasn't called in seven years.)

Sure, parents make mistakes. I think what is comes down to is, have the parents acknowledged and apologized for those mistakes? Have they changed the behavior? If the answer is no, I think estrangement is very much justified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

Then most likely the reason is you. If something is important enough to a person to cut the other side (e.g. you) out of their life, it is significant to them. You are devaluing and demeaning her reasons and feelings which generally suggests that you are callous and insensitive to the other person. At the least, you are insensitive enough to discount her claim that something bothers her significantly. By calling it stupid and petty instead of trying to address the issue with her, you've pushed her to the point that you are not worth the emotional problems you are causing her.

DP. It sounds like you are speaking from experience, PP. How did you try to address the issue with the other person before you cut them off? Why do you think that was unsuccessful (since you apparently then did cut them off)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

OP, they cut you off because you probably have a pattern of dismissing their experiences as stupid and petty, according to you, and completely ignoring their feelings and experience. And that is a very valid reason for someone to cut you out.

Or, they cut her off because they are a person who loves drama and has a history of manipulative behavior.

If that were the case, then OP wouldn't be questioning why. Generally the person who's always asking "but why? how could you cut me off?" is the manipulative, drama loving person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

This. Someone is damaged - either the person doing the cut-off, or the family. People are complicated, and can have traumas that others don't know about which cause disruptions.

This. There is a reason OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

OP, they cut you off because you probably have a pattern of dismissing their experiences as stupid and petty, according to you, and completely ignoring their feelings and experience. And that is a very valid reason for someone to cut you out.

Or, they cut her off because they are a person who loves drama and has a history of manipulative behavior.

Could go either way. I have a friend whose sister is full of histrionics, rewriting history in her (the sister's) favor, drama and jealousy. Obviously that crap gets old quick. My friend is the nicest person in the world (that is why I choose to spend time with her), but she does not deserve to be treated like crap, just because she is nice. Some people are pure evil, and need to be avoided. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

This. Someone is damaged - either the person doing the cut-off, or the family. People are complicated, and can have traumas that others don't know about which cause disruptions.

This. There is a reason OP.

+1 The reason could be you. Or could be something else. But there is never no reason. You are just not privy to it.

[Anonymous]

I cut off one side of my family after my parents divorced. That side was very disrespectful to me, my parents, and siblings over numerous years while I was growing up. That side thought nothing of it so when I cut them off they viewed it as petty etc. Previous PPs are right that there is always a reason even if one is not articulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

Then most likely the reason is you. If something is important enough to a person to cut the other side (e.g. you) out of their life, it is significant to them. You are devaluing and demeaning her reasons and feelings which generally suggests that you are callous and insensitive to the other person. At the least, you are insensitive enough to discount her claim that something bothers her significantly. By calling it stupid and petty instead of trying to address the issue with her, you've pushed her to the point that you are not worth the emotional problems you are causing her.

DP. It sounds like you are speaking from experience, PP. How did you try to address the issue with the other person before you cut them off? Why do you think that was unsuccessful (since you apparently then did cut them off)?

No, this wasn't personal experience. I have a very good and healthy relationship with my parents, siblings, and even in-laws. Both sides have issues, but communication and healthy relationships are not one of them.

The experience(s) that I speak of are from being the good friend and shoulder to cry on for three different friends who have had to cut off toxic family.

One is a friend who is liberal but comes from a conservative family. This friend places values on environmental issues. She doesn't preach, but her family constantly harps on her life choices. She chose a non-profit job because she believes in the cause and she is regularly told that she is wasting her education on such a low paid job. She asks them not to comment on her job and choices, but they tell her she is being stupid and petty (close enough) and that she needs to make better choices. If she would just make better choices, they wouldn't have to keep mentioning what her problems (or their perception of her problems) are. She finally gave up and just stopped communicating.

I have another friend who had a lot of unequal treatment as a child. He had a good childhood, but there was clearly unfair and unequal treatment being the middle child. He has some resentment for the clear preferences his parents had for older and younger siblings. The unequal treatment continued into his adult years. He finally realized that his family and their treatment of him was causing him problems. If he brought up issues that bothered him, he was told he was holding grudges. There were always reasons for why he was the second-class kid. And he clearly didn't recognize how good he had it. Basically, he had a good life and should be grateful for it and shouldn't be comparing their treatment of him to their treatment of siblings. He finally decided that after 30 some years, he wasn't going to change them and they weren't going to treat him any better and it wasn't worth the emotional turmoil that they cause him and he cut them out.

I'm not going to list the details for the other friend, but similar where the family did not recognize their own contributions to the problems over many years, discounted the friend's reasons for feeling upset and blamed the victim for stupid and petty reasons (so much easier to discount the reasons when you are not the person being emotionally victimized) and for personal health reasons, cut off the family.

[Anonymous]

How do I feel about those people? I'd feel sympathy for them. Either their family was horrible to them or they are dealing with something really difficult. Either way, lead with compassion, not judgment. You'd be surprised what a better world this place would be if more people did.

[Anonymous]

I was disowned by my parents for not marrying someone of their faith. Very rarely do I tell anyone that we are estranged because of the questions and judgment that follows. When I do open up about it, people tell me to reconcile and make things right....which gets really old when they know a sliver of what happened.

[Anonymous]

My mom and I are estranged. She tells everyone that I cut her off for “no reason” and she has “no idea” what happened. She also tells people I am severely mentally ill.

But I didn’t cut her off. She cut me off as I grew into adulthood and started to become separate from her and unwilling to do certain things she wanted me to do.

I invited her to my wedding but she refused to attend because I also invited my father.

I sent her pictures from my wedding and she sent them back with a mean letter.

I sent her pictures of my son and Christmas cards. Her responses were unreliable, and always mean/delusional.

She sent me a letter saying I wasn’t her daughter anymore and included with it three boxes containing every memento she had of me growing up.

A year ago she returned pictures of my son in the mail that I had sent her. I will never try again. My children are a sacred line.

She has my phone number and email-she doesn’t reach out.

But oh how she loves to tell relatives how I have cut her off and she has “absolutely no idea why!”. I live far away from all of them and she is much closer to them so I think they believe her. I don’t have the energy to try and fight her lies-life is too short and I’ve got my own life and family to worry about.