How do you feel about people who cut off family for no reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

Then most likely the reason is you. If something is important enough to a person to cut the other side (e.g. you) out of their life, it is significant to them. You are devaluing and demeaning her reasons and feelings which generally suggests that you are callous and insensitive to the other person. At the least, you are insensitive enough to discount her claim that something bothers her significantly. By calling it stupid and petty instead of trying to address the issue with her, you've pushed her to the point that you are not worth the emotional problems you are causing her.

DP. It sounds like you are speaking from experience, PP. How did you try to address the issue with the other person before you cut them off? Why do you think that was unsuccessful (since you apparently then did cut them off)?

No, this wasn't personal experience. I have a very good and healthy relationship with my parents, siblings, and even in-laws. Both sides have issues, but communication and healthy relationships are not one of them.

The experience(s) that I speak of are from being the good friend and shoulder to cry on for three different friends who have had to cut off toxic family.

One is a friend who is liberal but comes from a conservative family. This friend places values on environmental issues. She doesn't preach, but her family constantly harps on her life choices. She chose a non-profit job because she believes in the cause and she is regularly told that she is wasting her education on such a low paid job. She asks them not to comment on her job and choices, but they tell her she is being stupid and petty (close enough) and that she needs to make better choices. If she would just make better choices, they wouldn't have to keep mentioning what her problems (or their perception of her problems) are. She finally gave up and just stopped communicating.

I have another friend who had a lot of unequal treatment as a child. He had a good childhood, but there was clearly unfair and unequal treatment being the middle child. He has some resentment for the clear preferences his parents had for older and younger siblings. The unequal treatment continued into his adult years. He finally realized that his family and their treatment of him was causing him problems. If he brought up issues that bothered him, he was told he was holding grudges. There were always reasons for why he was the second-class kid. And he clearly didn't recognize how good he had it. Basically, he had a good life and should be grateful for it and shouldn't be comparing their treatment of him to their treatment of siblings. He finally decided that after 30 some years, he wasn't going to change them and they weren't going to treat him any better and it wasn't worth the emotional turmoil that they cause him and he cut them out.

I'm not going to list the details for the other friend, but similar where the family did not recognize their own contributions to the problems over many years, discounted the friend's reasons for feeling upset and blamed the victim for stupid and petty reasons (so much easier to discount the reasons when you are not the person being emotionally victimized) and for personal health reasons, cut off the family.

Neither #1 or #2 sound like a legitimate reason to cut off family.

#2 sounds like a bit of a brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about people whose families are normal or who had good relationships with their families then decided they’re adults and to never speak to them again for no reason.

they must have a reason or two, they just haven't told you what it is. BFD. just stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

Then most likely the reason is you. If something is important enough to a person to cut the other side (e.g. you) out of their life, it is significant to them. You are devaluing and demeaning her reasons and feelings which generally suggests that you are callous and insensitive to the other person. At the least, you are insensitive enough to discount her claim that something bothers her significantly. By calling it stupid and petty instead of trying to address the issue with her, you've pushed her to the point that you are not worth the emotional problems you are causing her.

DP. It sounds like you are speaking from experience, PP. How did you try to address the issue with the other person before you cut them off? Why do you think that was unsuccessful (since you apparently then did cut them off)?

No, this wasn't personal experience. I have a very good and healthy relationship with my parents, siblings, and even in-laws. Both sides have issues, but communication and healthy relationships are not one of them.

The experience(s) that I speak of are from being the good friend and shoulder to cry on for three different friends who have had to cut off toxic family.

One is a friend who is liberal but comes from a conservative family. This friend places values on environmental issues. She doesn't preach, but her family constantly harps on her life choices. She chose a non-profit job because she believes in the cause and she is regularly told that she is wasting her education on such a low paid job. She asks them not to comment on her job and choices, but they tell her she is being stupid and petty (close enough) and that she needs to make better choices. If she would just make better choices, they wouldn't have to keep mentioning what her problems (or their perception of her problems) are. She finally gave up and just stopped communicating.

I have another friend who had a lot of unequal treatment as a child. He had a good childhood, but there was clearly unfair and unequal treatment being the middle child. He has some resentment for the clear preferences his parents had for older and younger siblings. The unequal treatment continued into his adult years. He finally realized that his family and their treatment of him was causing him problems. If he brought up issues that bothered him, he was told he was holding grudges. There were always reasons for why he was the second-class kid. And he clearly didn't recognize how good he had it. Basically, he had a good life and should be grateful for it and shouldn't be comparing their treatment of him to their treatment of siblings. He finally decided that after 30 some years, he wasn't going to change them and they weren't going to treat him any better and it wasn't worth the emotional turmoil that they cause him and he cut them out.

I'm not going to list the details for the other friend, but similar where the family did not recognize their own contributions to the problems over many years, discounted the friend's reasons for feeling upset and blamed the victim for stupid and petty reasons (so much easier to discount the reasons when you are not the person being emotionally victimized) and for personal health reasons, cut off the family.

Neither #1 or #2 sound like a legitimate reason to cut off family.

#2 sounds like a bit of a brat.

what PP is saying is the same stuff you learning at parenting classes or in couples therapy: The worst thing you can do is invalidate another person's feelings.
Nothing you say or do will stop what they feel. Trying to invalidate what they feel, to them, is immature and disrespectful.

What is effective is to listen, paraphrase back, and try to find common ground or agree to disagree. all without lying or calling people names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

It obviously wasn't stupid or petty to the person cutting others off.

alternatively, if the person is stupid and petty and likes to cut of people when s/he deems them stupid or petty, why do you care. Sounds like a win to me, less draining drama people around the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

Then most likely the reason is you. If something is important enough to a person to cut the other side (e.g. you) out of their life, it is significant to them. You are devaluing and demeaning her reasons and feelings which generally suggests that you are callous and insensitive to the other person. At the least, you are insensitive enough to discount her claim that something bothers her significantly. By calling it stupid and petty instead of trying to address the issue with her, you've pushed her to the point that you are not worth the emotional problems you are causing her.

DP. It sounds like you are speaking from experience, PP. How did you try to address the issue with the other person before you cut them off? Why do you think that was unsuccessful (since you apparently then did cut them off)?

No, this wasn't personal experience. I have a very good and healthy relationship with my parents, siblings, and even in-laws. Both sides have issues, but communication and healthy relationships are not one of them.

The experience(s) that I speak of are from being the good friend and shoulder to cry on for three different friends who have had to cut off toxic family.

One is a friend who is liberal but comes from a conservative family. This friend places values on environmental issues. She doesn't preach, but her family constantly harps on her life choices. She chose a non-profit job because she believes in the cause and she is regularly told that she is wasting her education on such a low paid job. She asks them not to comment on her job and choices, but they tell her she is being stupid and petty (close enough) and that she needs to make better choices. If she would just make better choices, they wouldn't have to keep mentioning what her problems (or their perception of her problems) are. She finally gave up and just stopped communicating.

I have another friend who had a lot of unequal treatment as a child. He had a good childhood, but there was clearly unfair and unequal treatment being the middle child. He has some resentment for the clear preferences his parents had for older and younger siblings. The unequal treatment continued into his adult years. He finally realized that his family and their treatment of him was causing him problems. If he brought up issues that bothered him, he was told he was holding grudges. There were always reasons for why he was the second-class kid. And he clearly didn't recognize how good he had it. Basically, he had a good life and should be grateful for it and shouldn't be comparing their treatment of him to their treatment of siblings. He finally decided that after 30 some years, he wasn't going to change them and they weren't going to treat him any better and it wasn't worth the emotional turmoil that they cause him and he cut them out.

I'm not going to list the details for the other friend, but similar where the family did not recognize their own contributions to the problems over many years, discounted the friend's reasons for feeling upset and blamed the victim for stupid and petty reasons (so much easier to discount the reasons when you are not the person being emotionally victimized) and for personal health reasons, cut off the family.

Neither #1 or #2 sound like a legitimate reason to cut off family.

#2 sounds like a bit of a brat.

Maybe to you. But to my friends after dealing with such problems for decades and ending up with stress-based health issues where they were advised to decrease the stress, one of the easiest ways to decrease stress was to stop communicating with family.

In #2's case, the final straw was when the family starting treating his children the same way. He decided enough was enough and he really didn't want to have to explain to his kids why their cousins got more and better holiday and birthday gifts. Why the cousins went on fancy vacations with the grandparents but they only visited them at home. And so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

OP, they cut you off because you probably have a pattern of dismissing their experiences as stupid and petty, according to you, and completely ignoring their feelings and experience. And that is a very valid reason for someone to cut you out.

Or, they cut her off because they are a person who loves drama and has a history of manipulative behavior.

How is cutting someone off “dramatic” or “manipulative?” I mean, if he/she is manipulating you, it means they haven’t really cut you off, they just stopped talking to you temporarily hoping you’ll do what they want. Truly cutting you off means they are done with you. It usually means you are dramatic and manipulative and they don’t want anything to do with you.

[Anonymous]

there is always a reason, i cut off family when they have completely crossed the line on more than one occasion that has hurt me to the point i cannot continue to tolerate the pain anymore

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I don't speak to my parents. My parents cut me off for marrying a man of a different and in their minds "inferior" race. I don't believe that's a good reason for cutting me off, but they did. In reality, I wouldn't want to talk to them either given their opinions of my DH and kids as being less than. But they did the formal cutting off.

My brother's wife cut off her mother recently who after her husband's death became an alcoholic who refused help multiple times. The straw that broke the camels back was when my SIL's mom drove drunk at 10 am and when she pulled into her daughter's driveway, she hit her granddaughter (my niece) with the car who was in the driveway playing basketball. My niece was in intensive care for a bit and is recovering still. But, grandma refuses to admit she did anything wrong (granddaughter came out of no where can you believe) or change her behavior even after getting arrested over the whole thing as the cops were called and breathalyzers were taken - it has been drama.

So yeah, OP there is always a reason. You just might not be smart enough to recognize the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's always a reason, OP.

What if the reason is stupid or petty?

Then most likely the reason is you. If something is important enough to a person to cut the other side (e.g. you) out of their life, it is significant to them. You are devaluing and demeaning her reasons and feelings which generally suggests that you are callous and insensitive to the other person. At the least, you are insensitive enough to discount her claim that something bothers her significantly. By calling it stupid and petty instead of trying to address the issue with her, you've pushed her to the point that you are not worth the emotional problems you are causing her.

DP. It sounds like you are speaking from experience, PP. How did you try to address the issue with the other person before you cut them off? Why do you think that was unsuccessful (since you apparently then did cut them off)?

No, this wasn't personal experience. I have a very good and healthy relationship with my parents, siblings, and even in-laws. Both sides have issues, but communication and healthy relationships are not one of them.

The experience(s) that I speak of are from being the good friend and shoulder to cry on for three different friends who have had to cut off toxic family.

One is a friend who is liberal but comes from a conservative family. This friend places values on environmental issues. She doesn't preach, but her family constantly harps on her life choices. She chose a non-profit job because she believes in the cause and she is regularly told that she is wasting her education on such a low paid job. She asks them not to comment on her job and choices, but they tell her she is being stupid and petty (close enough) and that she needs to make better choices. If she would just make better choices, they wouldn't have to keep mentioning what her problems (or their perception of her problems) are. She finally gave up and just stopped communicating.

I have another friend who had a lot of unequal treatment as a child. He had a good childhood, but there was clearly unfair and unequal treatment being the middle child. He has some resentment for the clear preferences his parents had for older and younger siblings. The unequal treatment continued into his adult years. He finally realized that his family and their treatment of him was causing him problems. If he brought up issues that bothered him, he was told he was holding grudges. There were always reasons for why he was the second-class kid. And he clearly didn't recognize how good he had it. Basically, he had a good life and should be grateful for it and shouldn't be comparing their treatment of him to their treatment of siblings. He finally decided that after 30 some years, he wasn't going to change them and they weren't going to treat him any better and it wasn't worth the emotional turmoil that they cause him and he cut them out.

I'm not going to list the details for the other friend, but similar where the family did not recognize their own contributions to the problems over many years, discounted the friend's reasons for feeling upset and blamed the victim for stupid and petty reasons (so much easier to discount the reasons when you are not the person being emotionally victimized) and for personal health reasons, cut off the family.

Neither #1 or #2 sound like a legitimate reason to cut off family.

#2 sounds like a bit of a brat.

Yes, it's clearly bratty to want to be treated as well as your siblings are. I'm in a similar situation and I've kept my mouth shut mostly, but now I'm seeing the same kind of treatment extending to my kids - the other grandkids get showered with money and presents, family trips that we aren't invited to, and most importantly love and attention. My kids get birthday cards and an occasional text checking in. We do just fine and don't need anyone's money, but I'm not willing to put them through the same feelings of hurt, feeling left out and wondering what I've done wrong and why I'm not good enough. So, this so-called family can go burn.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if you count mine as cutting off. I don’t talk to [x number] of siblings regularly. Like once a year.

I’m overwhelmed with my own family life, I have anxiety, and phone chats can be awkward when they havent made an effort to be part of your life through physically visiting for years.

I am the younger sibling and feel they should make more of an effort. They are not part of my everyday life. Some days I’m fine with that (again, I’m overwhelmed), and some days I’m upset that they don’t know me or my kids anymore. I’m closer to my friends who are physically here near me.

They can buy an airline ticket and visit anytime. Or call me anytime. But they don’t. And again I just don’t have time day to day.

[Anonymous]

A couple we are friends with cut off all of their family - both sides. Honestly I mostly think they are a little crazy. Reasons included being invited over for dinner.

Although I probably accept way too much shit from ours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was disowned by my parents for not marrying someone of their faith. Very rarely do I tell anyone that we are estranged because of the questions and judgment that follows. When I do open up about it, people tell me to reconcile and make things right....which gets really old when they know a sliver of what happened.

Tribalism. Lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was disowned by my parents for not marrying someone of their faith. Very rarely do I tell anyone that we are estranged because of the questions and judgment that follows. When I do open up about it, people tell me to reconcile and make things right....which gets really old when they know a sliver of what happened.

Tribalism. Lovely.

Same situation. I get told to reconcile all the time if I open up at all to people, which is easier said than done. They have no idea the full backstory, nor do those people care as estrangement is just such a foreign concept to them. Also people don't seem to understand how religion, or even race, is truly decisive to some.

PSA - stop telling people to reconcile!

[Anonymous]

It happened to a good friend and the aftermath brought some deep dysfunction in their family out into the open. Sadly, now that everyone left behind has had therapy and is much healthier, her sibling still won’t allow any contact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who doesn't believe there is a 'reason' needs to read this.

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html