please tell me this won't be so bad

[Anonymous]

YOU are choosing to be a total doormat and martyr yourself and then complain you have “no choice.”

YOU are choosing not to exercise any of your choices.

I predict you will do nothing about any of this and be medicated and miserable the rest of your life. But please realize this was not DONE TO you. You allowed it to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YOU are choosing to be a total doormat and martyr yourself and then complain you have “no choice.”

YOU are choosing not to exercise any of your choices.

I predict you will do nothing about any of this and be medicated and miserable the rest of your life. But please realize this was not DONE TO you. You allowed it to happen.

Do you particularly enjoy kicking people when they're down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain this volunteer thing a little bit more. You are moving to a new town, and chose a school that requires 100 hours of volunteer time?

If you will be staying home, why does it matter that the boss agreed?

I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to unravel the question a little.

The boss basically told me to quit. I can't get a full days work in with drop-off/pick-up and this volunteer work. I can't handle the travel the job requires.

I did not choose the school. DH wanted DD to attend a Catholic school and there is only one in the area.

Ok. So you have a couple of issues, but one is that you need to tell your husband that your career matters, too. Not only does it matter because it is good for your mental health, it matters because you are person whose happiness and fulfillment is important.

So, either your husband can agree to throw money at this problem (pay someone to do drop-off and pick-up) or he can agree to public school. But one way or another, your needs and desires should not be subjugated to his in perpetuity.

+1

[Anonymous]

The unknown is scarier than the known. You have taken steps to protect your health - good job! You know your limits - Good job!

You have maintained a career for 17 years despite moves and kids. You have valuable skills the school can use. Your time is likely more valuably spent doing something Office-like and not planning a bake sale with a bunch of other SAHMs. Just explain to the office that you need time to warm up and see if you can help with filing papers, data entry or whatever skills you can offer from your prior experience.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't understand 2 hours a week with a demanding job. I don't. When you have specific hours (and keep in mind customers were already annoyed that I was going to have a time zone change), I don't see being forced to volunteer as realistic.

The volunteering does not need to happen during work hours. Weekend cleaning crew is a job at most of these schools. You can do one shift (once a month) and DH could do the other (once a month). That would put you well over 100 hours.

Organizing the school library might be a job that can also happen on Saturdays. Soliciting vendors for the school auction can be done on weekends or when you take a break from work. Tending the school garden could happen before or after school, or on the weekend.

Other after-work jobs include: cutting out laminated worksheets for the teacher, running copies, organizing one of the big annual picnics or parties.

There are a ton of jobs, and the school will be more flexible with a student whose family is enrolled than with a hypothetical family at an interview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I started off wholly on your side. But all this talk about how you can't possibly engage in any "menial labor" makes me think you sound quite entitled generally and, in fact, the volunteer work would be good for you!

I was forced to clean toilets in junior high l if I got less than an A (including an A-). Sorry if being put on cleaning duty triggers me.

Cleaning toilets is a trigger? Oh goodness OP. I'm trying to ask this gently, but do you have a diagnosis of BPD? You are purposely seeing only negatives here.

My official diagnoses are dysthymia, GAD, and OCD.

And yes. Cleaning toilets sends me right back to my mother standing over me telling me that's what I would be doing the rest of my life if I didn't get my act together in school.

Entitled? Hardly. I got my act together and made sure I wouldn't be doing that the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

You could get an au pair to do drop off and pick up . Also have you actually discuss the volunteering requirement with anyone at the school? Lots of times if they know you're a working mom you're volunteering can't be cutting out things from construction paper in the evening which they will send home with the child . And yeah the au pair can do that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You could get an au pair to do drop off and pick up . Also have you actually discuss the volunteering requirement with anyone at the school? Lots of times if they know you're a working mom you're volunteering can't be cutting out things from construction paper in the evening which they will send home with the child . And yeah the au pair can do that too.

This is the song of my heart. Go to work. Use that money to outsource labor. You'll have more money, and you'll have preserved your earning potential for a rainy day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: You could get an au pair to do drop off and pick up . Also have you actually discuss the volunteering requirement with anyone at the school? Lots of times if they know you're a working mom you're volunteering can't be cutting out things from construction paper in the evening which they will send home with the child . And yeah the au pair can do that too.

This is the song of my heart. Go to work. Use that money to outsource labor. You'll have more money, and you'll have preserved your earning potential for a rainy day.

Ok. I'll look into an au pair. We were too far from the nearest LCC at the last station, but maybe we'll luck out this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain this volunteer thing a little bit more. You are moving to a new town, and chose a school that requires 100 hours of volunteer time?

If you will be staying home, why does it matter that the boss agreed?

I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to unravel the question a little.

The boss basically told me to quit. I can't get a full days work in with drop-off/pick-up and this volunteer work. I can't handle the travel the job requires.

I did not choose the school. DH wanted DD to attend a Catholic school and there is only one in the area.

Then you tell DH that Catholic school is a no go there. Your job and sanity is more important. Send her to public and get a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain this volunteer thing a little bit more. You are moving to a new town, and chose a school that requires 100 hours of volunteer time?

If you will be staying home, why does it matter that the boss agreed?

I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to unravel the question a little.

The boss basically told me to quit. I can't get a full days work in with drop-off/pick-up and this volunteer work. I can't handle the travel the job requires.

I did not choose the school. DH wanted DD to attend a Catholic school and there is only one in the area.

WTF? You're being forced to quit your job by your DH because he insists on Catholic school, but can't do any of the work for it. I'd tell my DH to eff off before i agreed to that.

If I do that, he'll divorce me, and I'll never see my daughter again. Because who would you give custody to? The unemployed mentally ill mother? Come on.

If that is enough to trigger divorce, you are better off keeping your job and your sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I started off wholly on your side. But all this talk about how you can't possibly engage in any "menial labor" makes me think you sound quite entitled generally and, in fact, the volunteer work would be good for you!

I was forced to clean toilets in junior high l if I got less than an A (including an A-). Sorry if being put on cleaning duty triggers me.

Cleaning toilets is a trigger? Oh goodness OP. I'm trying to ask this gently, but do you have a diagnosis of BPD? You are purposely seeing only negatives here.

My official diagnoses are dysthymia, GAD, and OCD.

And yes. Cleaning toilets sends me right back to my mother standing over me telling me that's what I would be doing the rest of my life if I didn't get my act together in school.

Entitled? Hardly. I got my act together and made sure I wouldn't be doing that the rest of my life.

I'm sorry your mother was like that. But it's time to realize you can change perceptions to things that a neccessary in life. Cleaning is neccessary. You need to tell your therapist that you need effective treatments for this.

And before you tell me I dont understand mental illness or child abuse, I assure you I do. I survived emotional, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my mother. But I cant let every horrible thing my mother did trigger me.

It takes a lot of work but you can move past this OP. You really can. And you deserve too. And your children deserve a fully engaged mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU are choosing to be a total doormat and martyr yourself and then complain you have “no choice.”

YOU are choosing not to exercise any of your choices.

I predict you will do nothing about any of this and be medicated and miserable the rest of your life. But please realize this was not DONE TO you. You allowed it to happen.

Do you particularly enjoy kicking people when they're down?

NP - but I think OP might need some tough love....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, OP. Yes, it sounds bad. But I also think you are catastrophizing in a harmful way. Quitting your job over the volunteer requirement without talking to the school, asking about scheduling, asking about specific jobs, etc. was not a rational decision. What I am hearing here sounds a lot like your mental illness, and I think it's a good idea you are getting help.

My kids go to a school with an even higher volunteer commitment (2 hrs a week per child plus yearly commitment). I work full-time at a demanding job, as does my husband. So I get it. But the schools know parents work. They want to work with you. So I get my hours done, but in chunks. I also use professional skills on my own time, and that also counts. Finally, the reality is that these hours are rarely rigid. Although it gets others upset, there are plenty of parents at my kids' school who just simply don't do it. There are others who cannot do it and the school works with them. It's simply not going to be as rigid as you are insisting. It's just not. And there will be after care, babysitting, nanny options, etc. for pickup.

So my question is are you addressing the mental health issues that have led you down this path? Have you discussed your anxiety and rigidity with your counselor? It's terrific you have a counselor, that's a great first step.

We did talk to the school. They told us it's their decision whether to charge us for missed hours or revoke DD's admission, with the tone that said "If you're asking, we're leaning towards expulsion." It was horrible. I almost cried right there in the interview, because they were so rigid and DH was giving me that look that said we'd talk about it later. But what was there to talk about?

I honestly don't understand 2 hours a week with a demanding job. I don't. When you have specific hours (and keep in mind customers were already annoyed that I was going to have a time zone change), I don't see being forced to volunteer as realistic.

Yes, I've talked to my current counselor. This all stems from hyper-strict parents and a miserable childhood. I feel like I'm being vaulted right back into it. Not just feels - I AM being vaulted right back into the rules and discipline and punishments and I'm not sure how to cope. We're working on it, but even he says it's not a healthy situation - said homeschooling would be the best FOR ME if I could cope with losing my job and if it was best for DD. I'm not willing to go that far yet.

HOnestly this doesn't sound like a school I'd want to have my child attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU are choosing to be a total doormat and martyr yourself and then complain you have “no choice.”

YOU are choosing not to exercise any of your choices.

I predict you will do nothing about any of this and be medicated and miserable the rest of your life. But please realize this was not DONE TO you. You allowed it to happen.

Do you particularly enjoy kicking people when they're down?

NP - but I think OP might need some tough love....

She does.