MIL refuses to call DS the right name

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds nuts but so does OP and I think this is really a silly dispute between the two of them.

I'd just let it go - it wouldn't surprise me if everyone ignored this if it just quickly went away.

Really who cares - its not like its an obscene nickname she is using.

But it isn't between MIL and OP. It's between DS and MIL. He is old enough to decide how he wants to be addressed and MIL won't respect that.

He's old enough to learn that you can't control what your family calls you.

He is old enough to have an opinion and be upset if it isn’t respected for no reason.

Right - so let this be a dispute between the child and his strange grandmother. Hopefully one of them will realize how stupid it is and let it go, something the parents in the middle of this have been unable to do which is probably as much the issue as anything else. Or to put it another way I think grandmother here is a lot more likely to listen to "Ted" and drop this since I suspect this is really a conflict between grandma and her DIL and DIL won't step out of this trap.

This is so stupid. No, you don't let someone - a relative! - call a little kid a name that upsets him and just let it "be a dispute between them." Or if you do, at least take the restrictions off of the kid, and let him say whatever he feels like.

The child should not be getting upset about something like this - Ted is a common way to shorten Theodore which is a mouthful and hence a name he is going to hear a lot and need correct or learn to ignore. But Ted is likely in part getting upset because his mother is being dramatic about this too. I do agree grandma should respect everyones wishes but I suspect she is looking for a fight and getting exactly what she wants here - it takes two to fight so one party here can and should just walk away and that is the example that someone should be setting for Ted.

You are saying that a little kid should not get upset when someone repeatedly and intentionally calls him a name that is not his? And also, you are so desperate to avoid conflict that you think the best way to handle this is to ignore it, and just let her continue, in the hopes she stops?

I don't even know what to call this. What gets stepped on more often than a doormat? I sincerely hope you find some self respect, and the courage to stand up for yourself.

It's his name. It's a nickname for his given name.

You are a complete buffoon. You don't just get to assign nicknames to people. If I meet a William, I don't just get to decide to call him Billy. If I meet an Elizabeth, I can't just start calling her Lizzy, and then when she complains, say, "Well, that's a nickname for Elizabeth, and it's what I want to call you, so suck it up." It matters not at all that this is a kid.

Actually, yes, that's how nicknames work. Sometimes the person picks, but more often they are given by others.

And if the recipient hates it, he or she makes that preference known, and *people stop calling him that.* It's pretty simple.

Y'all Northerners are so cute.

I thought Southerners prided themselves on their good manners? There is nothing polite about calling someone something he's asked you not to call him. If I call Elizabeth Lizzy and she asks me not to, and I keep calling her that, I'm being rude. Period. If I'm her boss or something, maybe I get away with it, but that doesn't make it not rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid to fight over. First of all, Ted is the more common short-version of Theodore than Theo. So you kind of set your kid up for correcting people his entire life. Secondly, who cares. This is so much less weird than the April/Sarah thing mentioned. She IS calling him by his name or a version of it.

My grandma insisted on calling me by my full first name which I never use, socially or professionally. But no one cared, myself or my parents, because IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.

You didn't care. Awesome. The kid here cares.

And you have some selective reading issues. Everyone - OP's DH, FIL, DH's siblings, even other grandkids have corrected MIL. Blaming this on OP indicates some very, very strange projection on your part.

This. +1000 this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am amazed at the posters defending the MIL. Who are you people?

+1. If my mom did this, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that we would be terminating our relationship if she continued, because I do not see much value in maintaining a relationship with someone who behaves like a disrespectful jerk. And I would expect DH to tell his mother the same.

[Anonymous]

I like the Grandma Ted response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We named him Theodore. We call him either that or Theo. MIL keeps calling him Ted. He doesn't acknowledge because "that's not my name!" and she gets upset. She wants us to punish DS for this. We refuse. DH has explained this to her. Her husband has explained this. DS has explained he wants to be called Theodore or Theo. This has been going on FOUR YEARS. We asked DS if he would enjoy having a special name only his grandma calls him, that's Ted. "No, I don't like that name. She can call me Theo or Theodore or Sweetie-pie." We told MIL we tried, and he was not interested.

She does not call him sweetie-pie like she does the other grandkids because she is angry at him for not replying to Ted. FIL is an awesome grandparent. He feels caught in the middle and mouths apologies when she calls DS Ted, and has taken to repeating any instruction she gives, with the switch to his name.

MIL: Ted, bring me my purse
FIL: Theo, please get Granny's purse; she needs something in there.

We're at a point now where he doesn't like her, and she doesn't like him, all over this name thing. We asked DS if he could put up with being called Ted by one stubborn old lady once or twice a month. He said he'd think about it, but came back with a firm no. DS loves FIL though, and we have insisted he be polite to MIL. She calls all the other grandchildren the right names. Is there any solution to this other than waiting for her to die?

Are you okay with your MIL bossing your child around? Children aren't the hired help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would instruct my child to call her Grandma Ted.

Bonus points if he can get some of the other grandkids to call her that too. Maybe you even slip up and say it once or twice too.

If she objects or gets bent out of shape, just laugh and say “Well Theo doesn’t want to be called Ted either!” If she continues to call him Ted you continue too.

It would be kind of funny if all her grandkids started calling her Grandma Ted. These things always work better when you can turn it into a joke that annoys the other person. If she gets worked up, then she proves your point. It also gives your kid an outlet to get a dig at her too. Win win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much. People usually give you nicknames,not the other way around.

Most southern grandma's would not stop, even if the child / parents ask. It's best to ignore it, and the DC will just think grandma's a little off.

This is a completely ridiculous statement. Decent humans beings, from the South or anywhere else, show basic respect by calling people by the name they asked to be called by. My southern grandmothers and great grandmothers would correct anyone who did otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds nuts but so does OP and I think this is really a silly dispute between the two of them.

I'd just let it go - it wouldn't surprise me if everyone ignored this if it just quickly went away.

Really who cares - its not like its an obscene nickname she is using.

But it isn't between MIL and OP. It's between DS and MIL. He is old enough to decide how he wants to be addressed and MIL won't respect that.

He's old enough to learn that you can't control what your family calls you.

He is old enough to learn that some people are mean and stubborn and disrespectful. Even Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the Grandma Ted response.

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am amazed at the posters defending the MIL. Who are you people?

+1. If my mom did this, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that we would be terminating our relationship if she continued, because I do not see much value in maintaining a relationship with someone who behaves like a disrespectful jerk. And I would expect DH to tell his mother the same.

OP here. I don't want to terminate the relationship because:

1. It would be very dfifficult for FIL who has a great relationship with Theo.
2. It would be difficult for the rest of the family because we have a lot of extended family get-togethers.
3. Theo is, for some reason, happy when he is told she (with FIL) is showing up to something. "Granny and Poppy and coming to your soccer game since it's the last one of the season and then we'll all go to brunch. " "Yay!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds nuts but so does OP and I think this is really a silly dispute between the two of them.

I'd just let it go - it wouldn't surprise me if everyone ignored this if it just quickly went away.

Really who cares - its not like its an obscene nickname she is using.

But it isn't between MIL and OP. It's between DS and MIL. He is old enough to decide how he wants to be addressed and MIL won't respect that.

He's old enough to learn that you can't control what your family calls you.

He is old enough to learn that some people are mean and stubborn and disrespectful. Even Grandma.

Unfortunately, he's too young to learn that MILs and SILs often have trouble getting along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We named him Theodore. We call him either that or Theo. MIL keeps calling him Ted. He doesn't acknowledge because "that's not my name!" and she gets upset. She wants us to punish DS for this. We refuse. DH has explained this to her. Her husband has explained this. DS has explained he wants to be called Theodore or Theo. This has been going on FOUR YEARS. We asked DS if he would enjoy having a special name only his grandma calls him, that's Ted. "No, I don't like that name. She can call me Theo or Theodore or Sweetie-pie." We told MIL we tried, and he was not interested.

She does not call him sweetie-pie like she does the other grandkids because she is angry at him for not replying to Ted. FIL is an awesome grandparent. He feels caught in the middle and mouths apologies when she calls DS Ted, and has taken to repeating any instruction she gives, with the switch to his name.

MIL: Ted, bring me my purse
FIL: Theo, please get Granny's purse; she needs something in there.

We're at a point now where he doesn't like her, and she doesn't like him, all over this name thing. We asked DS if he could put up with being called Ted by one stubborn old lady once or twice a month. He said he'd think about it, but came back with a firm no. DS loves FIL though, and we have insisted he be polite to MIL. She calls all the other grandchildren the right names. Is there any solution to this other than waiting for her to die?

I mean this sincerely - why? I get that politeness is expected at all times, yada yada yada - but this is a woman who is repeatedly ignoring his wishes and calling him a name that he, and others have asked her multiple times to refrain from using. She's being incredibly rude to him, and she's got no basis to expect politeness in return. Frankly, I'd consider telling him the next time she calls him Ted, he should respond with, "OK, Granny Bitch." She'll have a meltdown, of course - but do you have a better word to describe her behavior? I don't.

OK, OK, I know you won't do that, and I probably wouldn't either. But I would absolutely stop enforcing politeness with respect to her. That's how kid turn into doormats - by being forced to be nice to people who treat them like crap. And if she, or your FIL, corrects him, I'd step in and say something like "this is the inevitable consequence of your actions, MIL, and we're not going to insist that he be polite to you when you show such little regard for him."

Permitting rude behavior towards an adult/family member doesn't make a kid an anti-doormat, it makes him rude.

Perhaps, but I wouldn't really care. You reap what you sow.

+1

Grandma started it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We named him Theodore. We call him either that or Theo. MIL keeps calling him Ted. He doesn't acknowledge because "that's not my name!" and she gets upset. She wants us to punish DS for this. We refuse. DH has explained this to her. Her husband has explained this. DS has explained he wants to be called Theodore or Theo. This has been going on FOUR YEARS. We asked DS if he would enjoy having a special name only his grandma calls him, that's Ted. "No, I don't like that name. She can call me Theo or Theodore or Sweetie-pie." We told MIL we tried, and he was not interested.

She does not call him sweetie-pie like she does the other grandkids because she is angry at him for not replying to Ted. FIL is an awesome grandparent. He feels caught in the middle and mouths apologies when she calls DS Ted, and has taken to repeating any instruction she gives, with the switch to his name.

MIL: Ted, bring me my purse
FIL: Theo, please get Granny's purse; she needs something in there.

We're at a point now where he doesn't like her, and she doesn't like him, all over this name thing. We asked DS if he could put up with being called Ted by one stubborn old lady once or twice a month. He said he'd think about it, but came back with a firm no. DS loves FIL though, and we have insisted he be polite to MIL. She calls all the other grandchildren the right names. Is there any solution to this other than waiting for her to die?

I mean this sincerely - why? I get that politeness is expected at all times, yada yada yada - but this is a woman who is repeatedly ignoring his wishes and calling him a name that he, and others have asked her multiple times to refrain from using. She's being incredibly rude to him, and she's got no basis to expect politeness in return. Frankly, I'd consider telling him the next time she calls him Ted, he should respond with, "OK, Granny Bitch." She'll have a meltdown, of course - but do you have a better word to describe her behavior? I don't.

OK, OK, I know you won't do that, and I probably wouldn't either. But I would absolutely stop enforcing politeness with respect to her. That's how kid turn into doormats - by being forced to be nice to people who treat them like crap. And if she, or your FIL, corrects him, I'd step in and say something like "this is the inevitable consequence of your actions, MIL, and we're not going to insist that he be polite to you when you show such little regard for him."

Permitting rude behavior towards an adult/family member doesn't make a kid an anti-doormat, it makes him rude.

Perhaps, but I wouldn't really care. You reap what you sow.

+1

Grandma started it!

A rude kid is a rude kid. But you do you.

[Anonymous]

Grandma is obviously doing it because she knows it upsets you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We named him Theodore. We call him either that or Theo. MIL keeps calling him Ted. He doesn't acknowledge because "that's not my name!" and she gets upset. She wants us to punish DS for this. We refuse. DH has explained this to her. Her husband has explained this. DS has explained he wants to be called Theodore or Theo. This has been going on FOUR YEARS. We asked DS if he would enjoy having a special name only his grandma calls him, that's Ted. "No, I don't like that name. She can call me Theo or Theodore or Sweetie-pie." We told MIL we tried, and he was not interested.

She does not call him sweetie-pie like she does the other grandkids because she is angry at him for not replying to Ted. FIL is an awesome grandparent. He feels caught in the middle and mouths apologies when she calls DS Ted, and has taken to repeating any instruction she gives, with the switch to his name.

MIL: Ted, bring me my purse
FIL: Theo, please get Granny's purse; she needs something in there.

We're at a point now where he doesn't like her, and she doesn't like him, all over this name thing. We asked DS if he could put up with being called Ted by one stubborn old lady once or twice a month. He said he'd think about it, but came back with a firm no. DS loves FIL though, and we have insisted he be polite to MIL. She calls all the other grandchildren the right names. Is there any solution to this other than waiting for her to die?

I mean this sincerely - why? I get that politeness is expected at all times, yada yada yada - but this is a woman who is repeatedly ignoring his wishes and calling him a name that he, and others have asked her multiple times to refrain from using. She's being incredibly rude to him, and she's got no basis to expect politeness in return. Frankly, I'd consider telling him the next time she calls him Ted, he should respond with, "OK, Granny Bitch." She'll have a meltdown, of course - but do you have a better word to describe her behavior? I don't.

OK, OK, I know you won't do that, and I probably wouldn't either. But I would absolutely stop enforcing politeness with respect to her. That's how kid turn into doormats - by being forced to be nice to people who treat them like crap. And if she, or your FIL, corrects him, I'd step in and say something like "this is the inevitable consequence of your actions, MIL, and we're not going to insist that he be polite to you when you show such little regard for him."

Permitting rude behavior towards an adult/family member doesn't make a kid an anti-doormat, it makes him rude.

Perhaps, but I wouldn't really care. You reap what you sow.

+1

Grandma started it!

A rude kid is a rude kid. But you do you.

A horrible grandma is a horrible grandma. But you go ahead and see what happens when you treat your grandkids that way.