MIL refuses to call DS the right name

[Anonymous]

We named him Theodore. We call him either that or Theo. MIL keeps calling him Ted. He doesn't acknowledge because "that's not my name!" and she gets upset. She wants us to punish DS for this. We refuse. DH has explained this to her. Her husband has explained this. DS has explained he wants to be called Theodore or Theo. This has been going on FOUR YEARS. We asked DS if he would enjoy having a special name only his grandma calls him, that's Ted. "No, I don't like that name. She can call me Theo or Theodore or Sweetie-pie." We told MIL we tried, and he was not interested.

She does not call him sweetie-pie like she does the other grandkids because she is angry at him for not replying to Ted. FIL is an awesome grandparent. He feels caught in the middle and mouths apologies when she calls DS Ted, and has taken to repeating any instruction she gives, with the switch to his name.

MIL: Ted, bring me my purse
FIL: Theo, please get Granny's purse; she needs something in there.

We're at a point now where he doesn't like her, and she doesn't like him, all over this name thing. We asked DS if he could put up with being called Ted by one stubborn old lady once or twice a month. He said he'd think about it, but came back with a firm no. DS loves FIL though, and we have insisted he be polite to MIL. She calls all the other grandchildren the right names. Is there any solution to this other than waiting for her to die?

[Anonymous]

She's made her choice not to respect his preferred name. You probably can't change it. Don't force him to spend time with Grandma or make him respond to her when she addresses incorrectly.

[Anonymous]

I assume this is not the first instance of her acting crazy-controlling, right?

I would limit interactions severely, on the grounds that it is emotional abuse to keep calling a child a name he doesn't want to be called.

Make sure FIL is welcome any time, since he's not the one calling your son names.

[Anonymous]

The name is cringe-worthy. I don't blame her.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to lay down the law with his mom. "If you don't stop with Ted we will not be having interactions with either of you." And then when she says "Ted" get up and leave and say the visit is over.

[Anonymous]

Call her the wrong name whenever she does it.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? I don’t quite see why you don’t just tell your MIL not to call him Ted. Why is this all about indulging her apparent insanity at the expense of a 4 year old? Stop pushing your DS and push her. Trying talking to her and putting an end to this: “Please stop calling him Ted. He doesn’t like it and, at 4, doesn’t even understand that it’s a nickname other people use for Theodore. As a result, it’s as though you’re calling him Bob or Fred or some other random name that is not his. He thinks it’s because you don’t love him. I would hate for you to permanently lose your relationship with your grandson over this.” If that doesn’t work, you correct her loudly each and every time from now on so that DS knows you’re on his side. Make sure that if there has to be a bizarre power struggle over this, it’s everyone vs MIL.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I would either cut back visits--or have a really strong reaction somehow everytime she does it. I have fantasies of you, like, blowing an air horn every time she says Ted/dy to pavlov's dog the habit away.

But, no, he shouldn't respond to her when she calls him the wrong name, and when she gets upset, he should simply say "that isn't my name" and walk away--unless she says Theo. She only gets his actual attention when she uses the right name.

And DH could pull out some big guns: "Is it really worth making your grandson hate spending time with you because of this? Because that's what's happening."

[Anonymous]

You can't change it, and she can accept the consequences of her actions: that your son won't like her, and that you/DH and even her own husband are disappointed by and frustrated with her.

You would be justified in limiting contact, but as that would punish FIL by extension, that might not be the best way to move forward.

In your shoes, I would have DH pipe up, EVERY time, so that you and your son don't even have to be in the position of defense. When DH isn't in earshot, then it falls to you to protect your son.

I wish I could give your FIL a hug for being so good and trying so hard; not many older husbands would stand up to their wives this way. It's very nice that you recognize his efforts and want to keep him connected with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The name is cringe-worthy. I don't blame her.

Theodore is a beautiful name! Ted is so boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call her the wrong name whenever she does it.

This is probably what I would do. Ideally, I'd use a nickname that she hated.

I wouldn't cut off contact or anything, but I would tell your MIL that your son has asked her not to call him Ted, that you are not going to punish him for not responding to a name he's asked her not to call him, and that if she insists on calling him Ted, she is choosing to damage her relationship with her grandson for no good reason.

And I wouldn't punish your FIL by cutting off their access to Theo. FIL is doing his best. Frankly, I like his solution--just repeat whatever MIL says, using the correct name. Every single time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I assume this is not the first instance of her acting crazy-controlling, right?

I would limit interactions severely, on the grounds that it is emotional abuse to keep calling a child a name he doesn't want to be called.

Make sure FIL is welcome any time, since he's not the one calling your son names.

DH pointed out, and I see his point, that it is cruel to make someone chose between their marriage and their child/grandchild. FIL would probably choose his wife but would be very, very upset about it. And then he and DS would significantly lose their close relationship. Plus we see the grandparents at siblings homes for holidays, birthdays, etc. So I am not sure we can "limit interactions severely" without damaging relationships with other people.

MIL has made passive-aggressive comments here and there "Oh, roast beef again? Lovely." "I see you chose a bright green for the kitchen trim. How ... interesting." but this is the first time she's done something this big.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if you hadn't made this a thing four years ago, there would not be a problem now. Don't use your kid as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you hadn't made this a thing four years ago, there would not be a problem now. Don't use your kid as an excuse.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I assume this is not the first instance of her acting crazy-controlling, right?

I would limit interactions severely, on the grounds that it is emotional abuse to keep calling a child a name he doesn't want to be called.

Make sure FIL is welcome any time, since he's not the one calling your son names.

DH pointed out, and I see his point, that it is cruel to make someone chose between their marriage and their child/grandchild. FIL would probably choose his wife but would be very, very upset about it. And then he and DS would significantly lose their close relationship. Plus we see the grandparents at siblings homes for holidays, birthdays, etc. So I am not sure we can "limit interactions severely" without damaging relationships with other people.

MIL has made passive-aggressive comments here and there "Oh, roast beef again? Lovely." "I see you chose a bright green for the kitchen trim. How ... interesting." but this is the first time she's done something this big.

I understand what you mean, since we severely limited contact with my crazy mother and my father suffered as a result. However, it was necessary for a while and more importantly, it was successful, because now my mother has behaved a lot better since we have resumed our visits, and my father can see his grandkids more often.

You need to break some eggs once in a while, OP.