MIL refuses to call DS the right name

[Anonymous]

I would just stop trying to stop her. DS will ignore the name. You'll ignore the name. Maybe it will finally deflate her. If not, ask her to tell you about the affair she must've had with a Theo(dore), which is why you assume she won't call DS by that name. Then, stick with and evolve the story every time she calls DS Ted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I don’t quite see why you don’t just tell your MIL not to call him Ted. Why is this all about indulging her apparent insanity at the expense of a 4 year old? Stop pushing your DS and push her. Trying talking to her and putting an end to this: “Please stop calling him Ted. He doesn’t like it and, at 4, doesn’t even understand that it’s a nickname other people use for Theodore. As a result, it’s as though you’re calling him Bob or Fred or some other random name that is not his. He thinks it’s because you don’t love him. I would hate for you to permanently lose your relationship with your grandson over this.” If that doesn’t work, you correct her loudly each and every time from now on so that DS knows you’re on his side. Make sure that if there has to be a bizarre power struggle over this, it’s everyone vs MIL.

We have already given her that speech. More than once. Trust me. This has been going on for FOUR YEARS. I even believe two of DH's siblings have talked to her privately. The other grandkids have overheard her call him Ted and have just said, "That's Theo" as if she mixed up the name by accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I don’t quite see why you don’t just tell your MIL not to call him Ted. Why is this all about indulging her apparent insanity at the expense of a 4 year old? Stop pushing your DS and push her. Trying talking to her and putting an end to this: “Please stop calling him Ted. He doesn’t like it and, at 4, doesn’t even understand that it’s a nickname other people use for Theodore. As a result, it’s as though you’re calling him Bob or Fred or some other random name that is not his. He thinks it’s because you don’t love him. I would hate for you to permanently lose your relationship with your grandson over this.” If that doesn’t work, you correct her loudly each and every time from now on so that DS knows you’re on his side. Make sure that if there has to be a bizarre power struggle over this, it’s everyone vs MIL.

It sounds like OP's husband and father in law have both had this conversation, and FIL does correct her every time she does it.

OP, sorry, it sounds like you're doing what you can, and your MIL is just a nut job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The name is cringe-worthy. I don't blame her.

Theodore is a beautiful name! Ted is so boring.

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks of the name or nicknames. In this situation, it only matters what the child prefers.

While some people might think that Ted sounds boring, other people might think that Theo sounds babyish or weak and that Ted sounds more grown up and masculine for a boy, but none of that matters. The only thing that matters is what the child prefers to be called.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We named him Theodore. We call him either that or Theo. MIL keeps calling him Ted. He doesn't acknowledge because "that's not my name!" and she gets upset. She wants us to punish DS for this. We refuse. DH has explained this to her. Her husband has explained this. DS has explained he wants to be called Theodore or Theo. This has been going on FOUR YEARS. We asked DS if he would enjoy having a special name only his grandma calls him, that's Ted. "No, I don't like that name. She can call me Theo or Theodore or Sweetie-pie." We told MIL we tried, and he was not interested.

She does not call him sweetie-pie like she does the other grandkids because she is angry at him for not replying to Ted. FIL is an awesome grandparent. He feels caught in the middle and mouths apologies when she calls DS Ted, and has taken to repeating any instruction she gives, with the switch to his name.

MIL: Ted, bring me my purse
FIL: Theo, please get Granny's purse; she needs something in there.

We're at a point now where he doesn't like her, and she doesn't like him, all over this name thing. We asked DS if he could put up with being called Ted by one stubborn old lady once or twice a month. He said he'd think about it, but came back with a firm no. DS loves FIL though, and we have insisted he be polite to MIL. She calls all the other grandchildren the right names. Is there any solution to this other than waiting for her to die?

I wouldn't cater to her like that. This would be my response.

MIL: Ted, bring me my purse.
FIL: Theo, please get Granny's purse; she needs something in there.
Me: MIL, he won't answer until you use his correct name and we're not going to make him. FIL, please stop enabling her. He doesn't want to be addressed as Ted.

The ironic part is that my name is Ted. While I don't care if people call me Theo, for a few years, I rebelled against anyone calling me "Teddy" which seemed childish. Now, old enough to have my own children, I don't care, but I can certainly empathize with your son.

[Anonymous]

"Deliberately mis-using someone's name when they and their parents have asked you to stop is a fundamental form of dismissal and disrespect. No one treats our son that way. You either call him by his full name or by his preferred nickname, or you do not see him. Period."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I assume this is not the first instance of her acting crazy-controlling, right?

I would limit interactions severely, on the grounds that it is emotional abuse to keep calling a child a name he doesn't want to be called.

Make sure FIL is welcome any time, since he's not the one calling your son names.

DH pointed out, and I see his point, that it is cruel to make someone chose between their marriage and their child/grandchild. FIL would probably choose his wife but would be very, very upset about it. And then he and DS would significantly lose their close relationship. Plus we see the grandparents at siblings homes for holidays, birthdays, etc. So I am not sure we can "limit interactions severely" without damaging relationships with other people.

MIL has made passive-aggressive comments here and there "Oh, roast beef again? Lovely." "I see you chose a bright green for the kitchen trim. How ... interesting." but this is the first time she's done something this big.

Honestly, PA comments like that make me laugh. The best play is to very cheerfully take them at face value. "Oh, yes, we love roast beef! I'm so glad you do, too! I'll have to make it for you more often!" or "Yes, isn't it pretty! Such a cheerful color! I'm glad to hear you like it, too!"

I wouldn't cut off contact--it's really not fair to your FIL. Just continue what you're doing--ignore her when she calls your kid by the wrong name, and if she says anything, you just respond, "Theo didn't answer you because you called him by the wrong name again! Silly Mary! Hope it's not a sign of dementia!" Or "There you go again, Mary, calling Theo by the wrong name! Gosh, I hope you're not losing your memory already!" Seriously, just act like it must be a sign of her getting old, and express chipper concern.

And tell your FIL that you really appreciate the fact that he's standing up for his grandson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The name is cringe-worthy. I don't blame her.

Theo is, indeed, a cringe-worthy name!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The name is cringe-worthy. I don't blame her.

Theo is, indeed, a cringe-worthy name!

Like anyone cares what you think, Ashleigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Deliberately mis-using someone's name when they and their parents have asked you to stop is a fundamental form of dismissal and disrespect. No one treats our son that way. You either call him by his full name or by his preferred nickname, or you do not see him. Period."

Y'all are nuts.

[Anonymous]

MIL did this for two years with the spelling of DD’s name. We gave her a traditional y ending name and MIL wanted it to end in an I. MIL gave her expensive monogrammed crap with the “I” spelling. We threw everything away. Finally she gave in. But man it was irritating!

[Anonymous]

MIL sounds nuts but so does OP and I think this is really a silly dispute between the two of them.

I'd just let it go - it wouldn't surprise me if everyone ignored this if it just quickly went away.

Really who cares - its not like its an obscene nickname she is using.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds nuts but so does OP and I think this is really a silly dispute between the two of them.

I'd just let it go - it wouldn't surprise me if everyone ignored this if it just quickly went away.

Really who cares - its not like its an obscene nickname she is using.

But it isn't between MIL and OP. It's between DS and MIL. He is old enough to decide how he wants to be addressed and MIL won't respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds nuts but so does OP and I think this is really a silly dispute between the two of them.

I'd just let it go - it wouldn't surprise me if everyone ignored this if it just quickly went away.

Really who cares - its not like its an obscene nickname she is using.

I agree.

OP says that this has been going on for 4 years. How old is her DS? If he's 4, then he has not been objecting to the name for 4 years. If she adopted him when he was 6 and he's 10 years old now, I can see how MIL would clearly be in the wrong in that case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds nuts but so does OP and I think this is really a silly dispute between the two of them.

I'd just let it go - it wouldn't surprise me if everyone ignored this if it just quickly went away.

Really who cares - its not like its an obscene nickname she is using.

But it isn't between MIL and OP. It's between DS and MIL. He is old enough to decide how he wants to be addressed and MIL won't respect that.

He's old enough to learn that you can't control what your family calls you.