Not interested in my father's new family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't. They're his family, just like DH is your family. It's a package deal.

Op here. I see your point. I'm fine with including his wife but just don't understand why his wife's daughter and school aged children are part of the package.

'Cause they're her children and grandchildren. Probably the most important people in her life. You don't think they are worth your time.

My uncle left everything to his third wife and her brood because they made the last decade of his life a lot of fun. It took him three tries to get right being a husband and father figure. He died suddenly at 67. His own children were shocked to learn he had changed his will two years earlier. The step-grandkids that spent holidays and frequent weekends with him won't have to worry about how to pay for college.

Op here. It's wonderful if he enjoys his new family members. I still don't get why that means I need to host them in my home. I've met these people a handful of times in three years. They may be his family, but they aren't mine. It's also just an issue of how busy I am, there isn't a ton of extra time and energy in my life to invest in these strangers.

I don't give a shit what my dad does with his will.

You sound like a real peach. Quite frankly, I can't see why they'd WANT to spend any time with you, since you're clearly miserable and narcissistic.

OP, Ignore this. I get what you are saying 100%. My parents have been divorced and remarried so many times that there is no money in the will for the "original" kids, my dad died and left it all to - you guessed it! - wife #2. So person who I'm quoting - spare us the moral/fake righteousness until you have walked in our shoes and gone through MULTIPLE divorces where you have other peoples kids thrust on you and you don't get any money anyway because they're head over heels for the new wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you don't HAVE to do anything. It it is fair to say you don't have the bandwidth to host large groups. But every time you chime in you sound to me kind of, well, bratty. "MY daddy, I'll never care about these STRANGERS, whiiiiine." Everyone is a stranger until you know them. His wife is his wife and he obviously wants the two of you to have a relationship. Please consider opening your heart a bit. You're life may be fuller for it.

First, OP doesn't mind if the wife comes. She minds that the wife's adult children and grandchildren may come.

And OP DOES know them, and she knows she doesn't enjoy their company. I don't get the forcible closeness. It's perfectly fine not to want to have a relationship with someone.

Op here. This is what I struggle with. They are always calling the stepgranchildren my niece and nephew and wanting us all (me, DD, DH, dad, stepmom and her children and grandchildren) to spend time together as a group. They've been married 3 years, 3rd marriage for both, and live 5 hours away. Me and DH both work full time and have a young child. I'm just not into the charade. I find it difficult to embrace them to the degree they seem to assume we should. They seem to want to play family. This just doesn't make sense to me.

I know I'm not required to host them and can say no, and could just have a conversation with my dad. I think I resent that I even have to do that and wish they could already be perceptive enough to discern that we aren't super into it and that doesn't make me a jerk. I agree there's no tactful way to say what I'm feeling here so I will probably do a combination of sucking it up and putting on a happy face with the group, at least a couple times a year, and trying to see my dad one on one when I can.

A couple other facts-dad and new wife have had a rocky 3 years and I put odds of them staying together at approximately 5%. I also have made an effort to connect with the stepgrandchildren, figuring maybe DD would love them and it would be fun to have cousins. I've bought them birthday presents and try to be interested in them.. There's a big age difference with them and DD. It just isn't coming together. Ive also tried to connect with the wife's adult children-we are just extremely different people and have nothing in common. If I'm being totally honest I do find them a bit trashy, though they aren't bad people by any means.

Me and DH are also extremely introverted nerds and hate having people stay in our home. We hate parties and groups. We mostly like to be alone or together with our little family of us and DD so this feels like a bigger imposition than maybe it would if we were more comfortable around others, or if we lived in the same town and could see them once or twice a month for an activity or dinner.

[Anonymous]

PP here whose widowed mom married a guy with 6 kids and we are friendly but that's it. OP, for your own mental health, I would encourage you NOT to suck it up and have the adult step-daughter and her kids come. You've gotten some language to use to communicate the invitation is for your dad and his wife. Use it. You don't need to explain, apologize or anything like that. It is what it is.

As you said, your father isn't likely to stay married to this woman so stop trying to appease them. Be polite when you see them at your dad's but stop twisting yourself up to accomodate them. You have your own family to focus on. They should stop trying to force a relationship on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is on his third marriage to a woman with two grown children and two elementary aged schoolchildren. They live 5 hours away from me, DH, and DD. I am not interested in building a relationship with these children and playing along with the charade that his step grandchildren are my nieces. My dad, stepmom, stepmom's adult daughter, and two school aged children keep wanting to visit and I can't possibly explain how much I hate these visits. Over the last two years we have had 4-5 visits with them. I just want to see my dad and I want him to spend time with my 1 year old DD. Why must these other people who I have known for only a couple years always be included? These kids are astonishingly spoiled and when they visit they expect to be entertained continuously and take all the attention away from my DD. Me and DH both work full time, DH is in school full time, and our weekend time together as a family is incredibly sacred. I don't want to spend what little time I have with DH and DD with these strangers who are important to my dad but of zero interest to me. How can I possibly explain that without coming across like a total jerk?

You can't. And you are a total jerk. So end it all now with a clean break, or get over yourself and accept your dad's new family.

--signed the "other kid of dad's new family" who wanted nothing more than the time and approval of the "first family" who participated in the charade for decades only to tell me that they all actually hated me after our dad died. Don't be a jerk like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is on his third marriage to a woman with two grown children and two elementary aged schoolchildren. They live 5 hours away from me, DH, and DD. I am not interested in building a relationship with these children and playing along with the charade that his step grandchildren are my nieces. My dad, stepmom, stepmom's adult daughter, and two school aged children keep wanting to visit and I can't possibly explain how much I hate these visits. Over the last two years we have had 4-5 visits with them. I just want to see my dad and I want him to spend time with my 1 year old DD. Why must these other people who I have known for only a couple years always be included? These kids are astonishingly spoiled and when they visit they expect to be entertained continuously and take all the attention away from my DD. Me and DH both work full time, DH is in school full time, and our weekend time together as a family is incredibly sacred. I don't want to spend what little time I have with DH and DD with these strangers who are important to my dad but of zero interest to me. How can I possibly explain that without coming across like a total jerk?

You can't. And you are a total jerk. So end it all now with a clean break, or get over yourself and accept your dad's new family.

--signed the "other kid of dad's new family" who wanted nothing more than the time and approval of the "first family" who participated in the charade for decades only to tell me that they all actually hated me after our dad died. Don't be a jerk like this.

Op here. I'm sorry that happened to you. It's incredibly rotten.

In my case, lack of interest isn't the same as hate.

Similarly, 3 years is not the same as decades. If we get to decades in my case I imagine I will feel different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, its nice to be friendly with the daughter and and grandkids but this is not a family visit and its a vacation for them. I'm assuming you pay for food and other stuff while they are with you.. so its a good deal for them. I would just say we love to see you but things are very hectic during the school year and it would be best if they stay at a hotel and you'd be happy to host them for a dinner or two.

+1. They are totally using you for a fun free vacation. It's ridiculous and you've been way too nice already. And I almost always say "oh, it's family, deal with it." Here, I think you're being played by these adult "step-sisters."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you don't HAVE to do anything. It it is fair to say you don't have the bandwidth to host large groups. But every time you chime in you sound to me kind of, well, bratty. "MY daddy, I'll never care about these STRANGERS, whiiiiine." Everyone is a stranger until you know them. His wife is his wife and he obviously wants the two of you to have a relationship. Please consider opening your heart a bit. You're life may be fuller for it.

First, OP doesn't mind if the wife comes. She minds that the wife's adult children and grandchildren may come.

And OP DOES know them, and she knows she doesn't enjoy their company. I don't get the forcible closeness. It's perfectly fine not to want to have a relationship with someone.

I said it was ok to say she didn't have the bandwidth to host the whole group. But her overall tone is snotty and bratty. I'm the poster from 8:33 and am a total introvert. I get it. But my life improved measurably when I opened my heart to the people my MIL loves. All of you supporting her are technically right, I guess, but where does that leave her? Nowhere because her dad isn't going to pick her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't. They're his family, just like DH is your family. It's a package deal.

Op here. I see your point. I'm fine with including his wife but just don't understand why his wife's daughter and school aged children are part of the package.

'Cause they're her children and grandchildren. Probably the most important people in her life. You don't think they are worth your time.

My uncle left everything to his third wife and her brood because they made the last decade of his life a lot of fun. It took him three tries to get right being a husband and father figure. He died suddenly at 67. His own children were shocked to learn he had changed his will two years earlier. The step-grandkids that spent holidays and frequent weekends with him won't have to worry about how to pay for college.

Op here. It's wonderful if he enjoys his new family members. I still don't get why that means I need to host them in my home. I've met these people a handful of times in three years. They may be his family, but they aren't mine. It's also just an issue of how busy I am, there isn't a ton of extra time and energy in my life to invest in these strangers.

I don't give a shit what my dad does with his will.

You sound like a real peach. Quite frankly, I can't see why they'd WANT to spend any time with you, since you're clearly miserable and narcissistic.

I've walked those shoes. You aren't owed an inheritance.

OP, Ignore this. I get what you are saying 100%. My parents have been divorced and remarried so many times that there is no money in the will for the "original" kids, my dad died and left it all to - you guessed it! - wife #2. So person who I'm quoting - spare us the moral/fake righteousness until you have walked in our shoes and gone through MULTIPLE divorces where you have other peoples kids thrust on you and you don't get any money anyway because they're head over heels for the new wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is on his third marriage to a woman with two grown children and two elementary aged schoolchildren. They live 5 hours away from me, DH, and DD. I am not interested in building a relationship with these children and playing along with the charade that his step grandchildren are my nieces. My dad, stepmom, stepmom's adult daughter, and two school aged children keep wanting to visit and I can't possibly explain how much I hate these visits. Over the last two years we have had 4-5 visits with them. I just want to see my dad and I want him to spend time with my 1 year old DD. Why must these other people who I have known for only a couple years always be included? These kids are astonishingly spoiled and when they visit they expect to be entertained continuously and take all the attention away from my DD. Me and DH both work full time, DH is in school full time, and our weekend time together as a family is incredibly sacred. I don't want to spend what little time I have with DH and DD with these strangers who are important to my dad but of zero interest to me. How can I possibly explain that without coming across like a total jerk?

You can't. And you are a total jerk. So end it all now with a clean break, or get over yourself and accept your dad's new family.

--signed the "other kid of dad's new family" who wanted nothing more than the time and approval of the "first family" who participated in the charade for decades only to tell me that they all actually hated me after our dad died. Don't be a jerk like this.

Sad that that happened to you, but this is a different situation. These are grandchildren of the dad's new wife, not directly children, and not blood relatives of the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is on his third marriage to a woman with two grown children and two elementary aged schoolchildren. They live 5 hours away from me, DH, and DD. I am not interested in building a relationship with these children and playing along with the charade that his step grandchildren are my nieces. My dad, stepmom, stepmom's adult daughter, and two school aged children keep wanting to visit and I can't possibly explain how much I hate these visits. Over the last two years we have had 4-5 visits with them. I just want to see my dad and I want him to spend time with my 1 year old DD. Why must these other people who I have known for only a couple years always be included? These kids are astonishingly spoiled and when they visit they expect to be entertained continuously and take all the attention away from my DD. Me and DH both work full time, DH is in school full time, and our weekend time together as a family is incredibly sacred. I don't want to spend what little time I have with DH and DD with these strangers who are important to my dad but of zero interest to me. How can I possibly explain that without coming across like a total jerk?

You can't. And you are a total jerk. So end it all now with a clean break, or get over yourself and accept your dad's new family.

--signed the "other kid of dad's new family" who wanted nothing more than the time and approval of the "first family" who participated in the charade for decades only to tell me that they all actually hated me after our dad died. Don't be a jerk like this.

Sad that that happened to you, but this is a different situation. These are grandchildren of the dad's new wife, not directly children, and not blood relatives of the OP.

Who cares? They are CHILDREN that her dad loves. She can accept them or risk alienating her dad. Which will
Feel bette at the end of her life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you don't HAVE to do anything. It it is fair to say you don't have the bandwidth to host large groups. But every time you chime in you sound to me kind of, well, bratty. "MY daddy, I'll never care about these STRANGERS, whiiiiine." Everyone is a stranger until you know them. His wife is his wife and he obviously wants the two of you to have a relationship. Please consider opening your heart a bit. You're life may be fuller for it.

First, OP doesn't mind if the wife comes. She minds that the wife's adult children and grandchildren may come.

And OP DOES know them, and she knows she doesn't enjoy their company. I don't get the forcible closeness. It's perfectly fine not to want to have a relationship with someone.

I said it was ok to say she didn't have the bandwidth to host the whole group. But her overall tone is snotty and bratty. I'm the poster from 8:33 and am a total introvert. I get it. But my life improved measurably when I opened my heart to the people my MIL loves. All of you supporting her are technically right, I guess, but where does that leave her? Nowhere because her dad isn't going to pick her.

Puh-lease. What drivel. You can't say you get it because you clearly don't. Whether or not she has a relationship with those people will not change her standing with her father. He's already made it abundantly clear. She can lament that and be angry about it but it doesn't make her 'snotty and bratty'. If her father and his wife were really interested in fostering the relationship, they'd wouldn't try and shove it down her throat like they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you don't HAVE to do anything. It it is fair to say you don't have the bandwidth to host large groups. But every time you chime in you sound to me kind of, well, bratty. "MY daddy, I'll never care about these STRANGERS, whiiiiine." Everyone is a stranger until you know them. His wife is his wife and he obviously wants the two of you to have a relationship. Please consider opening your heart a bit. You're life may be fuller for it.

First, OP doesn't mind if the wife comes. She minds that the wife's adult children and grandchildren may come.

And OP DOES know them, and she knows she doesn't enjoy their company. I don't get the forcible closeness. It's perfectly fine not to want to have a relationship with someone.

I said it was ok to say she didn't have the bandwidth to host the whole group. But her overall tone is snotty and bratty. I'm the poster from 8:33 and am a total introvert. I get it. But my life improved measurably when I opened my heart to the people my MIL loves. All of you supporting her are technically right, I guess, but where does that leave her? Nowhere because her dad isn't going to pick her.

Puh-lease. What drivel. You can't say you get it because you clearly don't. Whether or not she has a relationship with those people will not change her standing with her father. He's already made it abundantly clear. She can lament that and be angry about it but it doesn't make her 'snotty and bratty'. If her father and his wife were really interested in fostering the relationship, they'd wouldn't try and shove it down her throat like they are.

I feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I wonder how much semantics might be playing into this. I am willing to accept my father's new family, including:
-asking about the stepchildren and grandchildren in conversation
-engaging positively with all of them at holidays or other visits to their home
-buying birthday gifts for the stepgrandchildren

I am not interested in playing "pretend family", including:
-group family vacations
-hosting these people in my home (this is the biggie)
-playing along with the idea that we have some sort of connection. Our parents married each other a few years ago. It's not any deeper than that
-expectations that we will attend events for stepchildren and stepgrandchildren (i.e.-step sister's college graduation, stepgrandkids sporting events, etc).

Similarly I expect nothing from my step siblings. Just be pleasant when we see each other. They don't have to visit me or buy me gifts or anything.

I view them as I would distant cousins and would be good with that kind of relationship. Our parents expect us to act like siblings, which I don't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is on his third marriage to a woman with two grown children and two elementary aged schoolchildren. They live 5 hours away from me, DH, and DD. I am not interested in building a relationship with these children and playing along with the charade that his step grandchildren are my nieces. My dad, stepmom, stepmom's adult daughter, and two school aged children keep wanting to visit and I can't possibly explain how much I hate these visits. Over the last two years we have had 4-5 visits with them. I just want to see my dad and I want him to spend time with my 1 year old DD. Why must these other people who I have known for only a couple years always be included? These kids are astonishingly spoiled and when they visit they expect to be entertained continuously and take all the attention away from my DD. Me and DH both work full time, DH is in school full time, and our weekend time together as a family is incredibly sacred. I don't want to spend what little time I have with DH and DD with these strangers who are important to my dad but of zero interest to me. How can I possibly explain that without coming across like a total jerk?

You can't. And you are a total jerk. So end it all now with a clean break, or get over yourself and accept your dad's new family.

--signed the "other kid of dad's new family" who wanted nothing more than the time and approval of the "first family" who participated in the charade for decades only to tell me that they all actually hated me after our dad died. Don't be a jerk like this.

Sad that that happened to you, but this is a different situation. These are grandchildren of the dad's new wife, not directly children, and not blood relatives of the OP.

Who cares? They are CHILDREN that her dad loves. She can accept them or risk alienating her dad. Which will
Feel bette at the end of her life?

I love my children but it doesn't entitle me to impose a large group of unwanted houseguests on anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I wonder how much semantics might be playing into this. I am willing to accept my father's new family, including:
-asking about the stepchildren and grandchildren in conversation
-engaging positively with all of them at holidays or other visits to their home
-buying birthday gifts for the stepgrandchildren

I am not interested in playing "pretend family", including:
-group family vacations
-hosting these people in my home (this is the biggie)
-playing along with the idea that we have some sort of connection. Our parents married each other a few years ago. It's not any deeper than that
-expectations that we will attend events for stepchildren and stepgrandchildren (i.e.-step sister's college graduation, stepgrandkids sporting events, etc).

Similarly I expect nothing from my step siblings. Just be pleasant when we see each other. They don't have to visit me or buy me gifts or anything.

I view them as I would distant cousins and would be good with that kind of relationship. Our parents expect us to act like siblings, which I don't like.

Then make it about hosting and drop the other stuff. "Dad we'd love to see you and Sally, but we don't have the time/space to host the whole group. We look forward to seeing them next Christmas at your house."

If you live 5 hours away you can't be expected to attend events for the step-grandchildren. If you have to draw that boundary do it without feeling bad. That said if on your next visit there one of them is playing Donkey # 2 in the school play what's them harm in going?

You do have "some sort of connection" through your parents. If they work out you will know these people for a long time. The annoying kids might turn out to be loving older cousins to you kid. Maybe you'll want to take a group vacation on of these days. Who knows. Instead of " I'm not interested" try "I don't know them well and they live far away." It sounds more open minded.