Not interested in my father's new family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is on his third marriage to a woman with two grown children and two elementary aged schoolchildren. They live 5 hours away from me, DH, and DD. I am not interested in building a relationship with these children and playing along with the charade that his step grandchildren are my nieces. My dad, stepmom, stepmom's adult daughter, and two school aged children keep wanting to visit and I can't possibly explain how much I hate these visits. Over the last two years we have had 4-5 visits with them. I just want to see my dad and I want him to spend time with my 1 year old DD. Why must these other people who I have known for only a couple years always be included? These kids are astonishingly spoiled and when they visit they expect to be entertained continuously and take all the attention away from my DD. Me and DH both work full time, DH is in school full time, and our weekend time together as a family is incredibly sacred. I don't want to spend what little time I have with DH and DD with these strangers who are important to my dad but of zero interest to me. How can I possibly explain that without coming across like a total jerk?

You can't. And you are a total jerk. So end it all now with a clean break, or get over yourself and accept your dad's new family.

--signed the "other kid of dad's new family" who wanted nothing more than the time and approval of the "first family" who participated in the charade for decades only to tell me that they all actually hated me after our dad died. Don't be a jerk like this.

Why is she a jerk? There is no "our" dad. She is the only biokid in this scenario. No child in this situation is in need of her time and approval. Why would they? She's an adult child of their grandmother's new husband - a very, very tenuous relationship that typically doesn't generate any grand longing. Well. Other than this children's mother's longing to have a free vacation at OP's house.

Also, I don't know under which circumstances your father acquired a new family, but if he left his family and his first set of children was financially disadvantaged by his departure, then really, you have no right to expect any affection from their side. It's true that it's not your fault but it's not theirs either, and we can all agree that they would have preferred for their father to stay married to their mother, and for you to not exist. Don't know why this is hard to understand.

[Anonymous]

Just a note of sympathy in the midst of some others who are giving you a hard time. I think you are perfectly justified in how you feel and wanting to not host what are quite distant relationships. Good luck navigating this in a positive and gentle way, but I don't think you should feel you need to continue as your father's wife would like to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you don't HAVE to do anything. It it is fair to say you don't have the bandwidth to host large groups. But every time you chime in you sound to me kind of, well, bratty. "MY daddy, I'll never care about these STRANGERS, whiiiiine." Everyone is a stranger until you know them. His wife is his wife and he obviously wants the two of you to have a relationship. Please consider opening your heart a bit. You're life may be fuller for it.

First, OP doesn't mind if the wife comes. She minds that the wife's adult children and grandchildren may come.

And OP DOES know them, and she knows she doesn't enjoy their company. I don't get the forcible closeness. It's perfectly fine not to want to have a relationship with someone.

As someone who gained adult step siblings in my late 20s, I agree. The difference in my situation is we actually ARE close, we do a beach week every year all together, I look forward to going to my hometown in part because I get to see them and the kids (who are cousins, we don't use "step cousins" or "step grandparents" for the kids, they call us aunt and uncle, but they were all born after the grandparents married). We STILL don't do everything together when we are there- and my mom and step dad visit us pretty regularly and would never think of bringing everyone else along on these visits, those are more rare and planned as a special "trip"- its weird to think we would host EVERYONE just because the grandparents are coming for the weekend.