Not interested in my father's new family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to just invite your dad and wife number 3. It sounds like her two daughters total moocher if they want to glom onto every family trip

The two daughters visiting are in elementary school so it's a little harsh to call them moochers. What do you expect them to do while their mother is away? If they have no one else they to watch them, they can't stay alone.

The elementary age children are grand-daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Embrace it. My MIL is on husband #3. We were all skeptical but they've been together for 20 years and he's lovely as are his kids. My kids have a big messy family full of people who love them.

+1. People are so selfish! OP, if you were remarried three times, you would expect your Dad to embrace the one/ones you love. Such a double standard for you adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to just invite your dad and wife number 3. It sounds like her two daughters total moocher if they want to glom onto every family trip

The two daughters visiting are in elementary school so it's a little harsh to call them moochers. What do you expect them to do while their mother is away? If they have no one else they to watch them, they can't stay alone.

The elementary age children are grand-daughters.

This is OP. I can see the phrasing in my original post is a little ambiguous. Of course I'm not going to expect that a mother be separated from her minor children. In this case, it's my stepmom, her adult children, and her two elementary school aged grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Embrace it. My MIL is on husband #3. We were all skeptical but they've been together for 20 years and he's lovely as are his kids. My kids have a big messy family full of people who love them.

+1. People are so selfish! OP, if you were remarried three times, you would expect your Dad to embrace the one/ones you love. Such a double standard for you adult children.

Op here. I see your point but to me the stepchildren and stepgrandchildren are more like extended family and it's a big ask for me to be hosting them in my home, cooking for them, cleaning, planning activities, etc. I wouldn't, for example, go visit him and bring an entourage of extended relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Embrace it. My MIL is on husband #3. We were all skeptical but they've been together for 20 years and he's lovely as are his kids. My kids have a big messy family full of people who love them.

+1. People are so selfish! OP, if you were remarried three times, you would expect your Dad to embrace the one/ones you love. Such a double standard for you adult children.

OP has no problem embracing her father's wife. She, rightly, shouldn't be expected to offer the same welcome to her 'stepmother's' adult children with whom she did not grow up with. My widowed mother remarried at 56 to a divorced man with 6 children. His youngest is the same age as my younger brother. They've been married 25 years. While my siblings and I (there are 4 of us) are friendly with our 'step-siblings' when we see each other, none of us would ever presume to tag along on a visit. They've embraced my mother. My siblings and I embrace their father. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Embrace it. My MIL is on husband #3. We were all skeptical but they've been together for 20 years and he's lovely as are his kids. My kids have a big messy family full of people who love them.

+1. People are so selfish! OP, if you were remarried three times, you would expect your Dad to embrace the one/ones you love. Such a double standard for you adult children.

OP has no problem embracing her father's wife. She, rightly, shouldn't be expected to offer the same welcome to her 'stepmother's' adult children with whom she did not grow up with. My widowed mother remarried at 56 to a divorced man with 6 children. His youngest is the same age as my younger brother. They've been married 25 years. While my siblings and I (there are 4 of us) are friendly with our 'step-siblings' when we see each other, none of us would ever presume to tag along on a visit. They've embraced my mother. My siblings and I embrace their father. That's it.

Thank you for this perspective. This is the kind of relationship I want and have tried to have. I have nothing against my step siblings and their children (my step nieces I guess) but I'm just not interested in them at all. We live far apart. We have nothing in common. All of this seems obvious to me but not to them. They keep asking to visit and when we go visit them they want us to do all these group activities. This makes my position complicated since they seem to want to build a relationship. It feels like a charade to me, completely fake. Our parents have only been married a few years and they aren't super stable. I don't see them being in my life at all 5 years from now, but even if I did, I'm just so not into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to just invite your dad and wife number 3. It sounds like her two daughters total moocher if they want to glom onto every family trip

The two daughters visiting are in elementary school so it's a little harsh to call them moochers. What do you expect them to do while their mother is away? If they have no one else they to watch them, they can't stay alone.

Jesus Christ, people, read the post more carefully. The kids are NOT the daughters of the father's wife. They are granddaughters of the new wife.

Look, reading between the lines--they live 5 hours away, the grandkids are 9 and 12 but the parents are in their 20s--your dad is, or has married into, a trashy family. I wouldn't feel so sad about not seeing any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not a package deal. Op and dads new Step daughter are adults. It's not a blended family at this point.

Yes, this.

I'm a fan of straightforward. "Dad, while we don't mind having XXXX over sometimes, I'd really like some one-on-one time with just you. Can we set up a day for you to come do something fun with myself and Larla?" Then you can only go with what he responds and, if he has any soul, he'll see you're not being unreasonable.

Aside from that, you're going to have to have his family over sometimes and make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, its nice to be friendly with the daughter and and grandkids but this is not a family visit and its a vacation for them. I'm assuming you pay for food and other stuff while they are with you.. so its a good deal for them. I would just say we love to see you but things are very hectic during the school year and it would be best if they stay at a hotel and you'd be happy to host them for a dinner or two.

[Anonymous]

Op, if they visit you, they stay in a hotel twice a year, that sounds ok. You see them when you are available. They come for other reasons, hopefully. The need to fill their own time. You are under no obligation to have them as house quests - though better if you had established that pattern from the beginning. You need to visit your Father - 2 to 3 times a year. Ideally alone, if not alone whatever is offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to just invite your dad and wife number 3. It sounds like her two daughters total moocher if they want to glom onto every family trip

The two daughters visiting are in elementary school so it's a little harsh to call them moochers. What do you expect them to do while their mother is away? If they have no one else they to watch them, they can't stay alone.

The elementary age children are grand-daughters.

This is OP. I can see the phrasing in my original post is a little ambiguous. Of course I'm not going to expect that a mother be separated from her minor children. In this case, it's my stepmom, her adult children, and her two elementary school aged grandchildren.

Let's clarify this. She isn't your step mom. If she didn't have any part in raising you she is your father's wife.

[Anonymous]

I have lived this too, OP. Dad married a third time to a nice woman with two trashy adult children. One of whom moved in with them while her husband was deployed and they became default caregivers to her 2 small children. So I can't stay at his house when I visit because her daughter and the grandchildren are in what was formerly a guest room. Nice.

I didn't even put up a pretense of forming a relationship with these new 'steps' - no thanks. Did that already, haven't seen them in 20 years.

But I agree that you have to tread carefully because your Dad will prioritize the new lady in his life over children from a previous marriage. Lived it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm remarried to a man with adult children, and I expect that they will be nice to my elementary-aged son and I during the holidays and when we visit them. But we stay at a hotel so as not to impose on them. If they asked that my son not come for visits, I wouldn't go any more either. What DH did would be up to him but if it resulted in us repeatedly spending multiple holidays apart, we probably wouldn't work out as a family. That being said, I think there's probably a compromise you can reach - e.g. not having them stay with you, not having them come more than one holiday a year.

Well, since your kid is a child and OPs dad' 3rd wife's "kids" are grown up adults with children of their own, your situation does not even remotely apply here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, tread carefully. My stepdaughter played this with my DH and now they have little to no communication. It's a package deal and sometimes, I get it, it sucks. Try to find a way to have lunch, just you and Dad, and try to keep that relationship strong, if possible. The rest will fall into place.

Not op. You should have encouraged your DH to have a relationship with his daughter. Don't you see why his DD would want some alone time with her Dad?

Yep.

You bear a lot of responsibility for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to just invite your dad and wife number 3. It sounds like her two daughters total moocher if they want to glom onto every family trip

The two daughters visiting are in elementary school so it's a little harsh to call them moochers. What do you expect them to do while their mother is away? If they have no one else they to watch them, they can't stay alone.

OPs dad's wife is not their mother. She is their grandma.