Not interested in my father's new family

[Anonymous]

My father is on his third marriage to a woman with two grown children and two elementary aged schoolchildren. They live 5 hours away from me, DH, and DD. I am not interested in building a relationship with these children and playing along with the charade that his step grandchildren are my nieces. My dad, stepmom, stepmom's adult daughter, and two school aged children keep wanting to visit and I can't possibly explain how much I hate these visits. Over the last two years we have had 4-5 visits with them. I just want to see my dad and I want him to spend time with my 1 year old DD. Why must these other people who I have known for only a couple years always be included? These kids are astonishingly spoiled and when they visit they expect to be entertained continuously and take all the attention away from my DD. Me and DH both work full time, DH is in school full time, and our weekend time together as a family is incredibly sacred. I don't want to spend what little time I have with DH and DD with these strangers who are important to my dad but of zero interest to me. How can I possibly explain that without coming across like a total jerk?

[Anonymous]

You can't. They're his family, just like DH is your family. It's a package deal.

[Anonymous]

You can't.

[Anonymous]

Sure you can. "Dad, you (and wife) are welcome, but I can't entertain a crowd."

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the other posters. You may have to spend time with the new family but, then I would ask him if there was a way you could spend time with him alone? It couldn't hurt to ask.

[Anonymous]

I think you tell him. Divorce has consequences and he can decide whether to see you alone or insist on seeing you with his wife and her family.

[Anonymous]

I usually say, live and let live. But really... 3rd marriage. How old is he? How long have they known each other?

I would just say to his wife, I really think your "swell" but, this is not my 1st time creating relationships with my dad's wife's family and have them just disappear so I just am not that into it. Nothing personal. Maybe when it's not so new.

UGH! I am so sick of making nice with all the women the swim through my uncles' lives. Hi...bye.

You might not see your dad but really is that such a big loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't. They're his family, just like DH is your family. It's a package deal.

Op here. I see your point. I'm fine with including his wife but just don't understand why his wife's daughter and school aged children are part of the package.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for a visit from just your dad. With or without the new wife (a little awkward requesting to keep his wife out of the picture, I don't think it's a good idea to exclude her). But why the daughter and grandchildren?
Most grandparents are willing to spend time with one set of grandchildren at a time. "Building the relationship" between you and new step daughter and step kids should not be the focus. I agree with OP that it sounds like somewhat of a charade.

[Anonymous]

It's not a package deal. Op and dads new Step daughter are adults. It's not a blended family at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure you can. "Dad, you (and wife) are welcome, but I can't entertain a crowd."

Op here. I like this! That's part of the issue here. I don't like having to entertain them and plan things for them. I resent the hell out of it for these ungrateful strangers I don't care about. If I could be relieved of the obligation of pretending to be interested in these kids and of having to play hostess I could do a better job of not hating every single second of interacting with them.

[Anonymous]

I think you just have to put up with it for major holidays. for other events it's perfectly fine to just want it with your dad and his wife. Dad and wife are a package deal.

My aunt remarried and her husband's kids all get treated like my new cousins. We have to exchange gifts with them and spend all holidays with them. My grandma buys them gifts. I admit it makes me a little jealous and I miss the holidays with just my real cousins. They weren't married until these cousins were in their 20s.

[Anonymous]

There is no positive spin that you can put on it. Once every six months you are expected to be nice to your father's family and you can't manage that without resentment. I think it is time to stop the visits all together.

[Anonymous]

You could say it's important to you and share anecdotes of time alone with your own grandpa (if you had one).

You could accept that dd is young and won't remember this.

You could check if any part of you wants your dad to be to dd what you never had.

You could meet them somewhere for a visit instead or find activities that center around direct involvement with dd.

Frankly your dad and possibly his wife marry around and I don't blame you one bit for not wanting anything to do with the new people. I wouldn't either. I would deal with very few visits until dd is three or so and there's more options for having grandpa time just him and her doing something.

I'm sorry it's so complicated.

[Anonymous]

Stop hosting the daughter and her kids--just invite your dad and his wife to come out.

And level with your dad if you need to.

You said 4-5 visits over the last two years--and you have a one year old. So, a lot going on. You deserve some one on one time with your dad.