Rising High School Senior just decided to extend his trip...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this out of character for him? I am curious about how he let you know about his plans.. Did he call you or just send an email? In any case, take this opportunity to take a deep breath and think about your conversation when he does arrive home. Let your DH take the lead with your son. Sometimes a naggy mom doesn't have the same impact. It is time for a discussion about respect, trust etc. This would seriously cross the line in my household. While I always supported my 2 boys, they would NEVER inform me of a 6 day vacation change. Don't allow him to pull the "I am an adult" card. Remind him that if he wants to be an adult, his college tuition is HIS responsibility.

OP here again and thank you everyone. Okay - so...
DS let us know by text. A sort of "by the way..." and is now unreachable as they are somewhere in rural Sweden with, apparently, no cell service. I don't believe it but can't prove it.

He totally paid for this trip with his own money. He had a great summer job and worked hard.

He is not in any fall sport and his schedule is set - but he is senior class president and probably should have been back before school starts to do stuff... but I am not even sure about that.

He is a top student - very responsible with grades/school work and actually very responsible about helping his younger siblings.

He DOES live and eat at home as well as drive our car - but has been tutoring for extra money and hasn't asked us for much since he's been 14.

He will, most likely, get a merit and/or need based scholarship to college.


I am calmer now - thank you all - but just sad. I miss him. I feel like he went to college already and he's gone. I just miss him.

Um. Not to alarm you, but this doesn't seem in line with the responsible kid you paint him to be. I'd be seeking some confirmation that he and gf are okay.

Yeah, that sort of thing is totally typical for that age. They expect to get push back from their parents so they do what they want to do and then avoid, avoid, avoid the parents at all costs (we used to call them "The 'Rents" when I was that age).

It's typical for kids who were raised without respect for their parents.

No. It's typical for kids who are asserting their own independence. I was taught to really toe the line as a teen and listen to my parents who had my best interests at heart. But when I hit college age, I started to make decisions for myself w/o running things by them first. Not every choice I made pleased my parents and looking back some of my choices actually were not the best, but I also owned those choices that I made - they were my choices.

There can be a fine line between a parent guiding their young adult/offering helpful suggestions and a parent micromanaging/deciding things FOR their young adult. If a parent remains a little too over involved they will get the push back that I'm referring to.

[Anonymous]

^ same as PP. I had very strict parents, and like the OP's son, I worked at a job in the evening and throughout the summer, and was the furthest from spoiled you could be. But once I hit 18, I wanted independence. In fact, I didn't even go to college right away because it would have meant continuing to be under the control of my mom (she was holding back signing the fafsa form unless I agreed to all her terms about college, major, etc.). I joined the army and got the GI Bill and paid for college my damn self.

OP, he made a less than ideal decision, but no animals will be harmed by his decision. He will be slightly jet lagged. That's it. You can take a breather and learn from what I've said here that intelligence kids will choose their own path. And that's a great thing! It leads to more success in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You obviously redshirted him and this is the down side of that. He is an adult and should be going into college.

You need to relax.

Or maybe OP's decision to start her child a year later really, really worked out for this kid, who sounds like he is doing great! (Class president, good grades, earns his own money, motivated, good relationship, likely merit scholarship....)

[Anonymous]

Op: just welcome your son home when he returns.
Ask about his trip, remind him to always use a condom.
And go back to your daily life.

As soon as he is excepted to a college and ratifies that he can
Relax. Senior year isn't all that. I think I took maybe 5 classes in high school. Whatever the minimum was that I needed to graduate. Got myself the last few periods of the day assigned as an aide or something. Used to leave and go to work. It's just not a big deal everyone makes it out to be.

Chill

[Anonymous]

It'll be a L-O-N-G year if this kid thinks that he can come and go as he pleases, stay gone overnight and even for days w/o at least telling his parents where he is going to be.

[Anonymous]

Who cares about being jet lagged on the first day of senior year? It's ridiculous. The first day of school anywhere is pretty much a waste.

I usually schedule our family trips to come back the day before school -- so that we can maximize summer! No one in this house complains.

I would have a chat with him about always providing details about where he is and a contact number during travel so you can reach him if there is an emergency back home (like family illness, etc.), and let the rest go. I actually think it is good for kids to get a bit of independence re their whereabouts senior year, because you can monitor a bit in a way that you can't in college. Your son sounds like a great kid, don't blow this out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think 18 is a magical age at which you get to do whatever you want, especially while still in HS and living at home.

Not sure what you do, OP, but I would be furious too. And not just at lack of control - at the demonstrated lack of maturity and courtesy.

This. People are acting like this is a college kid, instead of a high schooler who's obviously counting on Mom & Dad to go buy his school supplies so he'll be ready for Day One. He's legally an adult, but he's still a kid in reality.

Welk, he's the age of a college kid. The fact that his parents presumably decided to redshift him years ago doesn't make him any less of an adult.

eh, my kid will be turning 18 years old towards the beginning of his senior year. I promise you - he was not red shirted. He simply missed the Kindergarten cut off date by about 2 weeks.

He is big for his age so I know that some of the other parents think that we "red shirted" him. We didn't.

Most kids turn 18 at some point during their senior year, don't they?

Same here, my kid is a senior this year and will turn 18 in a few months. I didn't redshirt him, didn't even know what that meant back then. My husband was never redshirted and he graduated HS at 19. He was held back a grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think 18 is a magical age at which you get to do whatever you want, especially while still in HS and living at home.

Not sure what you do, OP, but I would be furious too. And not just at lack of control - at the demonstrated lack of maturity and courtesy.

This. People are acting like this is a college kid, instead of a high schooler who's obviously counting on Mom & Dad to go buy his school supplies so he'll be ready for Day One. He's legally an adult, but he's still a kid in reality.

Welk, he's the age of a college kid. The fact that his parents presumably decided to redshift him years ago doesn't make him any less of an adult.

eh, my kid will be turning 18 years old towards the beginning of his senior year. I promise you - he was not red shirted. He simply missed the Kindergarten cut off date by about 2 weeks.

He is big for his age so I know that some of the other parents think that we "red shirted" him. We didn't.

Most kids turn 18 at some point during their senior year, don't they?

Same here, my kid is a senior this year and will turn 18 in a few months. I didn't redshirt him, didn't even know what that meant back then. My husband was never redshirted and he graduated HS at 19. He was held back a grade.

We also have a son that will be 17 throughout his senior year (late summer birthday). We had considered holding the start of Kindergarten back for him but went ahead and sent him to K. He has done well. The big maturity differences that you see in preschoolers who might be 6 months older/younger than each other seem to be all evened out by the time the kids are into their HS years.

[Anonymous]

You don't magically turn into an adult at 18. You can but most don't.

Live at home, not pay for everything makes you a child. Some people remain children into their mid 20's.

The power of the purse makes you their parent and they need to listen to you or there will be consequences. These could include you not paying for things or theirs. It could be the cell phone, car, car insurance, allowance etc.

I would try not to make this a battle with your kids but they can't choose to be a part-time adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It'll be a L-O-N-G year if this kid thinks that he can come and go as he pleases, stay gone overnight and even for days w/o at least telling his parents where he is going to be.

Hopefully he just got caught up in the romance of his vacation, and coming home will bring him back down to earth.

If not, OP will have to have a series of conversations with him.

I do think that when a parent says, "You can do x, y, z if you pay for it, but I am not going to support it/pay for it," the implicit message is that if the kid can become self-sufficient, s/he can do what s/he wants. This is the downside of that message. A motivated kid can make that money, and keep his grades up, and therefore "wins" that freedom. Paying for and supporting things you aren't thrilled with means you get to maintain more control than a hands' off version.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It'll be a L-O-N-G year if this kid thinks that he can come and go as he pleases, stay gone overnight and even for days w/o at least telling his parents where he is going to be.

When he lives in their home, they get to make the rules for curfew and other expected behavior. I totally get that. But this is (so far!) a one-time act, during a once in a lifetime trip to Sweden. To be honest, I'm middle aged and would probably make the exact same decision he as a new 18 year old did - maximize his vacation and deal with the jet lag upon return. I just don't think OP should assume this one decision will become a pattern of behavior once he is back home given her description of his personality. If it does, deal with it at that point later this fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll be a L-O-N-G year if this kid thinks that he can come and go as he pleases, stay gone overnight and even for days w/o at least telling his parents where he is going to be.

When he lives in their home, they get to make the rules for curfew and other expected behavior. I totally get that. But this is (so far!) a one-time act, during a once in a lifetime trip to Sweden. To be honest, I'm middle aged and would probably make the exact same decision he as a new 18 year old did - maximize his vacation and deal with the jet lag upon return. I just don't think OP should assume this one decision will become a pattern of behavior once he is back home given her description of his personality. If it does, deal with it at that point later this fall.

Oh, I 110% totally would have made the same choice he did. No question.

But, I also would have known that not running it by my parents first and then not letting them know the details was not right.

I agree that Op should be calm about it, welcome him back with a big hug and expect that he will remember house rules upon his return.

[Anonymous]

It is possible that OP's son didn't think it was a big deal to extend the trip by a few days? Yes, of course, he should have but I have corrected my son on a variety of issue and gotten that dumb-blank look - as if it was a total shock to him that you needed to wipe the counter with a wet cloth to get up the dried jelly or that cars need oil when the oil light comes on.

Regardless, I don;t think it is a big deal. And I do think he sounds like a great kid who is just caught up in his first grown-up trip.

[Anonymous]

Oh, he's been having fun. The legal drinking age in Sweden is 18....he's with his girlfriend who, Op says, is given a long leash by her own parents....plus all the things to see and do in a foreign country. He is having a ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this out of character for him? I am curious about how he let you know about his plans.. Did he call you or just send an email? In any case, take this opportunity to take a deep breath and think about your conversation when he does arrive home. Let your DH take the lead with your son. Sometimes a naggy mom doesn't have the same impact. It is time for a discussion about respect, trust etc. This would seriously cross the line in my household. While I always supported my 2 boys, they would NEVER inform me of a 6 day vacation change. Don't allow him to pull the "I am an adult" card. Remind him that if he wants to be an adult, his college tuition is HIS responsibility.

OP here again and thank you everyone. Okay - so...
DS let us know by text. A sort of "by the way..." and is now unreachable as they are somewhere in rural Sweden with, apparently, no cell service. I don't believe it but can't prove it.

He totally paid for this trip with his own money. He had a great summer job and worked hard.

He is not in any fall sport and his schedule is set - but he is senior class president and probably should have been back before school starts to do stuff... but I am not even sure about that.

He is a top student - very responsible with grades/school work and actually very responsible about helping his younger siblings.

He DOES live and eat at home as well as drive our car - but has been tutoring for extra money and hasn't asked us for much since he's been 14.

He will, most likely, get a merit and/or need based scholarship to college.


I am calmer now - thank you all - but just sad. I miss him. I feel like he went to college already and he's gone. I just miss him.

Um. Not to alarm you, but this doesn't seem in line with the responsible kid you paint him to be. I'd be seeking some confirmation that he and gf are okay.

Yeah, that sort of thing is totally typical for that age. They expect to get push back from their parents so they do what they want to do and then avoid, avoid, avoid the parents at all costs (we used to call them "The 'Rents" when I was that age).

It's typical for kids who were raised without respect for their parents.

No. It's typical for kids who are asserting their own independence. I was taught to really toe the line as a teen and listen to my parents who had my best interests at heart. But when I hit college age, I started to make decisions for myself w/o running things by them first. Not every choice I made pleased my parents and looking back some of my choices actually were not the best, but I also owned those choices that I made - they were my choices.

There can be a fine line between a parent guiding their young adult/offering helpful suggestions and a parent micromanaging/deciding things FOR their young adult. If a parent remains a little too over involved they will get the push back that I'm referring to.

You said a whole lot of nothing.
It has nothing to do with asserting independence and everything to do with bad manners and basic courtesy. I don't care how many scholarships, teams, clubs or what grades your kids have if they get to 18 and show the complete rudeness Op's son has you have failed.