Do I owe this to MIL?

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the PPs in this thread who thinks OP should consider it. Obviously only she knows what kind of person her MIL is. Playing devil's advocate here is it possible this could make the relationship with your MIL stronger? It's hard to let someone see you so open and vulnerable like that, absolutely, I definitely don't want to discount your feelings on that.

Also remember the amount of joy you and your husband felt (and even the nurses and doctor) when the baby was born? I don't think it's hard to imagine that someone would want to experience that. Everyone in the room was so in awe after the birth. Sure it happens all the time but every time it does happen it's still amazing. Gross, disgusting, exhausting and yet still amazing. I think OP can understand that MIL actually wants to witness that and seeing the look on her son's face when his final child is born.

I think it could be successful if you lay some serious boundaries that you are 100% comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

LOL, my FIL (who is a doctor) wanted to be in the delivery room with me. Um, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly its interesting to see its basically a split decision. I can also kinda go either way on it. Its annoying to me how much this is weighing on me and I just want to make up my mind. Thanks for everyone who has weighed in. Im 35 weeks tomorrow so I will just mull it over for a few weeks I guess.

If it helps, you can always be generous and say yes - with the possibility that you deliver before she can make it.

You also mentioned that previously, you said MIL was asked not to visit until 24-36 hours later. Maybe let her sit in the waiting room and come in sooner. That would probably go a long way in terms of throwing her a bone.

OP here. I am honestly considering going this route and maybe lying a little bit on the timing. Like maybe encourage her to leave for the hospital when Im basically pushing her out or something. Ugh. Just want to protect everyones feelings.

No--the lie is worse than anything, and you don't want to be thinking about this while you're in labor. Just have her come the next day as she has done before.

You're trying to have your cake and eat it too with regard to your MIL's feelings--when her feelings really don't deserve remotely the same consideration as yours. So prioritize yours.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. You can do it. Labor / delivery is about the mother and father and baby. If it is going to stress you out, just.say.no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's unfair of her to even have burdened you with this information. IMO, being in the delivery room for birth is not something you bring up, but rather something you wait to be invited to share. Which leaves it solely up to the pregnant woman.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly its interesting to see its basically a split decision. I can also kinda go either way on it. Its annoying to me how much this is weighing on me and I just want to make up my mind. Thanks for everyone who has weighed in. Im 35 weeks tomorrow so I will just mull it over for a few weeks I guess.

To me, that is your answer right there. It is a burden to think about. That alone is the reason to say NO.

Birth is not a spectator event. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you "owe" her anything, but I can kind of see her point - she's feeling left out compared to the other grandmas to whom she's related because she doesn't have a daughter. Is she generally good company? If not for the "seeing your lady parts at their worst" thing, would you be comfortable having her in there?

If she agrees to stay up near your head, I think it's worth considering her request.

(My ex and I had already split up by the time I had our daughter, but he was in the room with me and he stayed up near my head - I think he knew it might be weird for me if he was seeing my vagina after we were no longer together.)

She can feel however she feels about the effect on her life of not having a daughter.

That is not OP's problem to address.

[Anonymous]

I think it's entirely up to you. Labor is stressful enough without having to think about someone else's feelings or reactions. Also, once she is in the room she might want to do more than just observe (i.e. hold the baby, comment, etc.). Inviting her in is an open invitation to do all those things. Personally, I prefer it to be just my husband and me and a bunch of strangers because I'm not really my best right after birth and want to prioritize bonding the with the baby. My thought is that others have had their babies already and these are mine.

[Anonymous]

OP please consider the option you first thought was good. Letting her be there until you're about to push, then having her leave, then come back right after birth. And don't lie about it, just explain that you love her and understand how she wants to be part of this, but you're uncomfortable with that part.

Don't listen to all these basic assholes who think the world revolves around them and they don't even want to be bothered to hear that someone else has a thought or a feeling. Some of these answers are so sad. The pp who said "she's sad? 'oh well.'" how cold can you be???? It's rare here on DCUM where families actually get along and...wait for it...actually (GASP!?!) consider other people's feelings.

You are very fortunate to get along with your in-laws and you are very gracious to be considering your MIL's feelings. It sounds like she is asking and yet still understands that it may not be possible because you're not her bio daughter.
So, whatever you decide, congratulations on your new baby and congratulations on having a family where there is reciprocity of respect and feelings. Hopefully that turns into a lifetime of wonderful family memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PPs in this thread who thinks OP should consider it. Obviously only she knows what kind of person her MIL is. Playing devil's advocate here is it possible this could make the relationship with your MIL stronger? It's hard to let someone see you so open and vulnerable like that, absolutely, I definitely don't want to discount your feelings on that.

Also remember the amount of joy you and your husband felt (and even the nurses and doctor) when the baby was born? I don't think it's hard to imagine that someone would want to experience that. Everyone in the room was so in awe after the birth. Sure it happens all the time but every time it does happen it's still amazing. Gross, disgusting, exhausting and yet still amazing. I think OP can understand that MIL actually wants to witness that and seeing the look on her son's face when his final child is born.

I think it could be successful if you lay some serious boundaries that you are 100% comfortable with.

I would not understand that. Not at all. As a MIL, it would not be my moment to witness, any more than sex is.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely do not owe this to your mother-in-law. This is one of those times in life where you get to be absolutely selfish and your needs, and if you want your own mother there but not MIL that is completely normal and understandable. No cause for hurt feelings. I seriously doubt that your mother-in-law feels the same way about you that she does about your husband. So why would she expect that you would feel the same way towards her as towards your mother in a situation like this, which again is about you and your needs.

It doesn't matter if this is one of the few things she has asked for. She is asking for something where it is completely 1,000,000% OK for you to say no. Don't feel bad about this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PPs in this thread who thinks OP should consider it. Obviously only she knows what kind of person her MIL is. Playing devil's advocate here is it possible this could make the relationship with your MIL stronger? It's hard to let someone see you so open and vulnerable like that, absolutely, I definitely don't want to discount your feelings on that.

Also remember the amount of joy you and your husband felt (and even the nurses and doctor) when the baby was born? I don't think it's hard to imagine that someone would want to experience that. Everyone in the room was so in awe after the birth. Sure it happens all the time but every time it does happen it's still amazing. Gross, disgusting, exhausting and yet still amazing. I think OP can understand that MIL actually wants to witness that and seeing the look on her son's face when his final child is born.

I think it could be successful if you lay some serious boundaries that you are 100% comfortable with.

I am with you on this one, PP.

OP seems to have a great relationship with her MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PPs in this thread who thinks OP should consider it. Obviously only she knows what kind of person her MIL is. Playing devil's advocate here is it possible this could make the relationship with your MIL stronger? It's hard to let someone see you so open and vulnerable like that, absolutely, I definitely don't want to discount your feelings on that.

Also remember the amount of joy you and your husband felt (and even the nurses and doctor) when the baby was born? I don't think it's hard to imagine that someone would want to experience that. Everyone in the room was so in awe after the birth. Sure it happens all the time but every time it does happen it's still amazing. Gross, disgusting, exhausting and yet still amazing. I think OP can understand that MIL actually wants to witness that and seeing the look on her son's face when his final child is born.

I think it could be successful if you lay some serious boundaries that you are 100% comfortable with.

I would not understand that. Not at all. As a MIL, it would not be my moment to witness, any more than sex is.

Not sure why you want to compare it with sex, but I do see your point.

[Anonymous]

A delivery room is for the mom and dad and the medical team. It is not a spectator sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A delivery room is for the mom and dad and the medical team. It is not a spectator sport.

But the OP is already having her own mom in there.