Are you okay with your husband going out drinking and dining alone with other women?
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Anonymous
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A friend of mine said she had THE best marriage, bar none. Interdependent, respectful, loving, trusting, amazing, room to grow, all the things everyone wants, needs, envies ...
He traveled a lot for his job and actively chased every skirt he saw, was on Ashley Madison, Backpage, Craigslist trolling for p***y. He couldn't get enough. It literally destroyed his wife. And she took all his shit.  He also lost his cushy job.
Drinking and dining do not make a cheating heart. But it can lead to things. NOT WORTH IT EVER. My husband won't go to dinner with people he works with. He also doesn't drink. He says it's bad enough he works with them, he doesn't want to spend his free time with any of them. |
Anonymous
Your husband doth protest too much. |
Anonymous
Many wives on this thread doth protest too much. |
Anonymous
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I'm not especially comfortable with my husband going out "drinking and dining" alone with other women. It would depend on the context- work colleague, do I know the other woman, have they been friends for a long time, are we mutual friends, is there history?
There's trust and then there's being naive-- I think a DH who meets a woman while he is married/committed, decides they are "friends" and he's going drinking and dining with them alone (even a work colleague, if it's not work related)...that right there is a reason to be suspicious. Don't marry someone you don't trust, and don't stay with someone who doesn't act in ways that promote trust. |
Anonymous
Seriously? I know plent of people- male, female, married, single- who don't want to spend their free time w their coworkers. |
Anonymous
| DH has quite a few female friends from before I met him when he was in grad school. These are long term friendships that have never been romantic. I have no problem with him going out to drinks and/or dinner with them when they're in town. These are the only women he ever goes out to dinner/drinks with, all his other friends are men. I'm not going to police his behavior, I'm fairly certain he won't cheat and if he does, he knows what the consequences will be. |
Anonymous
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My husband and I talked about this the other night. We had never discussed it before, but we both are relatively conservative when it comes to our marriage. Neither of us said we would want to have dinner w someone of the opposite sex alone, and neither of us would feel comfortable with the other one doing it. I can see how others might think it's fine, we just think it's inappropriate. We trust each other, but it's just not worth it.
I always feel really prude about everything now that we're married, so I'm actually comforted to know that other people have similar feelings. |
Anonymous
While I think the Pence rule is extreme and is based on a backwards notion of female sexuality, I also think your statement is naive. There are a lot of people who wouldn't normally cheat but if presented with an opportunity (meaning it's easy to do it and highly unlikely they will ever be found out), there are people who would go along with it. Sad to say, but it's true. I've known men and women like that. They would never look for ways to cheat and think they would never cheat, but if they are in a situation where they can easily have a one-off and then no one ever knows, they don't necessarily have the moral fortitude to say no. But that has nothing to do with female sexuality or women being "temptresses" (as I suspect Pence's rule is based on). That has more to do with the reality that a lot of people not really have a strong sense of doing the right thing, even when they can easily get away with doing the wrong thing. This doesn't just relate to infidelity in marriage. There is a sociologist who has conducted studies on this, and it also relates to cheating on tests or even stealing. It's sad, but true. I think the key is, though, not about policing your spouse's action but choosing a spouse who puts a really high value on ethical as an in and off itself. So the hints are if your potential spouse is okay with casual lying out of convenience or if your potential spouse ever says "eh, no one will ever know" in response to doing something that might be just a little bit wrong. That kind of attitude is generally a red flag that even if the person doesn't look to cheat, they wouldn't hold up well if an easy opportunity presents itself. |
Anonymous
As a woman with a number of guy friends from college, I want to say: THANK YOU. These relationships are about as platonic as it gets between the opposite genders, and to me the guys are really like brothers. I'm not saying don't bring up something specific if it bothers you, but having had exes who became exes because they suspected my guy friends, I can say acting this way just makes the accuser look ridiculous. Having said all that, we all know each other's spouses and hang out in groups and the spouses are always more than welcome (and for the most part we all get along well). |
Anonymous
I don't have to meet with clients for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but in past jobs, I was heavily hit on by men at work. For a while I wondered if men are just creeps, but I have seen in past jobs how some women indulge it. They may not do anything physical, but they definitely indulge the flirting. Sadly, I've seen how this has helped them professionally. I put up my guard and don't indulge flirting. I am not hostile, but I shut that stuff down really fast. In some ways, I think it has hurt me professionally. The flirting for some women was an entry into the "boys' club" and was really the only entry in for a woman. In one past job, I went to a professional convention, and it was astonishing how much hooking up went on. Sadly, I think that stuff happens a lot. But the solution isn't to restrict your spouse from one-on-one meetings with members of the opposite sex. |
Anonymous
I said I can see if it's a work-related dinner. But if you are just traveling for work and the dinner itself isn't part of the work event, then, no, HR can't make you have dinner with someone. Example: Susy and Johnny are both sent to a convention. They have some business lunches planned, but they are free to do whatever they want for dinner. If Johnny doesn't want to eat dinner with Susy and have drinks, then that's his own business. That's what the PP was talking about, being on a business trip and suggesting she'd be irritated if her coworker didn't want to have dinner with her. |
Anonymous
Eh, you might think they're platonic. It's possible they're only platonic because you that boundary. I say that as someone who thought like you until I realized a guy I was friends with and thought our relationship was "as platonic as it gets" actually wanted more. This is someone I knew for years. It kind of ruined the friendship because, once I realized he wanted more (or was up for more), it changed the way I saw the time I spent with him. My husband trusted me, so that was never an issue. But my husband did tell me that he thinks a lot of women are woefully naive about their "guy friends." The topic came up with some of our friends (guy friends that both my husband and I know), and they all admitted to having female friends (friends they've known for years) who they'd totally sleep with if they thought the opportunity was there or that the friend was open to it. But they all said that they never tried anything or even hinted because they always got the vibe that the female friend wasn't into them in that way. But I think that exposes one of the issues with platonic relationships. Often they are unbalanced. And while one person may see it as completely platonic, that doesn't mean the other person doesn't have a physical attraction. None of that is to say that women and men shouldn't be friends and maintain those friendships after getting married. But I think it's helpful to not be naive about the possibilities and the danger zones. That helps to establish boundaries and to understand where and in what circumstances there may be vulnerabilities. |
Anonymous
| If it's a "new friend" it's not right. |
Anonymous
| Absolutely not |
Anonymous
In other threads here where a woman says "my husband went out for drinks with a female colleague, do you think it's innocent? - they work at the office all day then go out together....". the DCUM. advice is to divorce him already because he's cheating.... Glad to know you all are ok with me dating, dining and drinking with your husband after work. Eases my conscience a lot. |