Please take a moment and look at all of the DH sucks-related threads right now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
And, I should say, as a SAH dad I get so annoyed by the notion that men are incompetent in all these ways. Some might be, some are lazy, some are intimidated by the task, some just have no interest. But in most child-rearing activities, I'd say I do as well or better than most women I know. Some men are actually capable...

Probably the best thing to happen to my marriage was, when the kids were young, my wife got the opportunity to take a trip out of the country for a week. I got to take care of the kids *my way* -- and gain confidence in doing so; meanwhile, my wife was able to gain a level of comfort that the kids would be fine when she let go and just let me parent them. She didn't have to micromanage me. I was more comfortable, she was more comfortable, and the kids got two active parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

100% spot on.

we've made the changes and it has paid off in huge dividends for all of us, 3 kids and DH and myself.

Can you please say what changes?

with 3 kids, it was just too much to have them involved in every conceivable activity (many were just bc their friends were on the team). So we told them to pick 1 sport/activity for the fall and one for the spring. That has cut down our Saturday schedule of events by 2/3.

Second, instead of going out every Friday or to a friend's house for potluck, DH will order food and we eat in and play games as a family. DH and I do date night every 2 weeks and I am so happy I'm not trying to constantly stay in contact with my girlfriends. We text and communicate enough with each other but just having the time alone with DH is priceless. He talks with his friends and the only plan an outing for all of us every 6 weeks or so. And when I do want to see my GFs, I am the one to have everyone over for drinks or wine (everyone knows DH always has a superb collection - and he makes sure that he has great stuff to serve us).

I guess just not feeding into the social pressure to stay always connected to friends has been the biggest thing for all of us. We still do a fair amount of running around for the kids (play dates, birthday parties, etc.), but it's so much less stressful when you don't have this compelling need to also always see my GFs. And by entertaining more at home it's just so much less hassle for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But these days, it's hard to find an affordable house in a good school district that would allow you to live more simply. A lot of us aren't working so much to keep up with the Joneses, it's just to pay our bills.

Well, America's about to be great again. So, help is on the way.

ha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
And, I should say, as a SAH dad I get so annoyed by the notion that men are incompetent in all these ways. Some might be, some are lazy, some are intimidated by the task, some just have no interest. But in most child-rearing activities, I'd say I do as well or better than most women I know. Some men are actually capable...

Probably the best thing to happen to my marriage was, when the kids were young, my wife got the opportunity to take a trip out of the country for a week. I got to take care of the kids *my way* -- and gain confidence in doing so; meanwhile, my wife was able to gain a level of comfort that the kids would be fine when she let go and just let me parent them. She didn't have to micromanage me. I was more comfortable, she was more comfortable, and the kids got two active parents.

Agreed. We did this by having DH take 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He gained a lot of competence and loved his time alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

100% spot on.

we've made the changes and it has paid off in huge dividends for all of us, 3 kids and DH and myself.

Can you please say what changes?

with 3 kids, it was just too much to have them involved in every conceivable activity (many were just bc their friends were on the team). So we told them to pick 1 sport/activity for the fall and one for the spring. That has cut down our Saturday schedule of events by 2/3.

Second, instead of going out every Friday or to a friend's house for potluck, DH will order food and we eat in and play games as a family. DH and I do date night every 2 weeks and I am so happy I'm not trying to constantly stay in contact with my girlfriends. We text and communicate enough with each other but just having the time alone with DH is priceless. He talks with his friends and the only plan an outing for all of us every 6 weeks or so. And when I do want to see my GFs, I am the one to have everyone over for drinks or wine (everyone knows DH always has a superb collection - and he makes sure that he has great stuff to serve us).

I guess just not feeding into the social pressure to stay always connected to friends has been the biggest thing for all of us. We still do a fair amount of running around for the kids (play dates, birthday parties, etc.), but it's so much less stressful when you don't have this compelling need to also always see my GFs. And by entertaining more at home it's just so much less hassle for all of us.

I like this advice. The cutting down on activities is so difficult, but so necessary for family sanity! Choose the activities that they are truly interested in, not the ones that you think they *should* be doing. That is my advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.

Haha thanks! I am glad as an "aged" person, I can impart some wisdom. Seriously, this is something that took me a very long time to realize. I placed so much importance on being Superwoman - for my husband, my kids, my career, my home, my friendships, etc. etc. etc. Being busy was a hallmark of how Super I was. But I realized it was making me crazy and causing my family so much stress. We have learned to really pull back from the expectations that have been set out and do what is right for our family.

PS I also love getting advice from BTDT people on here - I have truly learned a lot from this forum and I think all of the people for sharing their experiences and perspectives!

You make a good point.

Just out of curiosity, how old are you that you consider yourself an "old timer" and "aged"?

[Anonymous]

DCUM threads are dominated by unhappy women who need a good screw! I don't care if they get it from their husbands but it is what they need. Their solution to every problem is to seek counseling. That is not what they need.

[Anonymous]

Trump won. We were all forced to come to terms with the fact that no matter what, women are not considered equal. Now we see it everywhere, and we're fed up!

[Anonymous]

wow lots of good advice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
And, I should say, as a SAH dad I get so annoyed by the notion that men are incompetent in all these ways. Some might be, some are lazy, some are intimidated by the task, some just have no interest. But in most child-rearing activities, I'd say I do as well or better than most women I know. Some men are actually capable...

Probably the best thing to happen to my marriage was, when the kids were young, my wife got the opportunity to take a trip out of the country for a week. I got to take care of the kids *my way* -- and gain confidence in doing so; meanwhile, my wife was able to gain a level of comfort that the kids would be fine when she let go and just let me parent them. She didn't have to micromanage me. I was more comfortable, she was more comfortable, and the kids got two active parents.

Agreed. We did this by having DH take 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He gained a lot of competence and loved his time alone.

DH and I are expecting our first and I'm very worried about my tendency to try to control everything. He's a very competent and loving person so I know I'm going to need to put in a ton of work to let him parent and not try to take over everything. I'm hoping the fact that DH will be taking 6 weeks of leave once I go back to work will help the both of us. He'll be more confident and I'll have proof every day that yes, my kind, loving, smart DH is in fact capable of keeping our child alive and I should back off. Fingers crossed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.

Haha thanks! I am glad as an "aged" person, I can impart some wisdom. Seriously, this is something that took me a very long time to realize. I placed so much importance on being Superwoman - for my husband, my kids, my career, my home, my friendships, etc. etc. etc. Being busy was a hallmark of how Super I was. But I realized it was making me crazy and causing my family so much stress. We have learned to really pull back from the expectations that have been set out and do what is right for our family.

PS I also love getting advice from BTDT people on here - I have truly learned a lot from this forum and I think all of the people for sharing their experiences and perspectives!

My marriage nearly broke up because my high-power, highly accomplished DW worked about 70-80 hours a week. 50 or so at work, but then every single night it was 3-4 more hours online on projects, answering 200 emails, etc. She so often complained about not being able to get through all her email, but she never would turn down a project, etc. She didn't have to take this promotion, or become the director of that department, but she chose those things. And in climbing the corporate ladder, she made a misery of her life -- stressed at home, never went to kids field trips or games, distant from me, etc. And for what? The bigger check? Sorry, not worth it. She has finally scaled back but it seriously nearly killed our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DH and I are expecting our first and I'm very worried about my tendency to try to control everything. He's a very competent and loving person so I know I'm going to need to put in a ton of work to let him parent and not try to take over everything. I'm hoping the fact that DH will be taking 6 weeks of leave once I go back to work will help the both of us. He'll be more confident and I'll have proof every day that yes, my kind, loving, smart DH is in fact capable of keeping our child alive and I should back off. Fingers crossed!

With our first two kids my wife wouldn't let me do anything and I mean anything for them until she got her fill. As a result I never really bonded with them.... even after 8 years I just don't like them very much. I'm not sure that would have changed things but for our third child I basically just took over, I do as much as I can for her (diapers, feeding, lettering her fall asleep in my arms) and I can already tell I'm bonding much better.

I'm not saying that he will would be the same way as I am but it's something to be aware of.

and get as much sleep as you can whenever you can you will need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM threads are dominated by unhappy women who need a good screw! I don't care if they get it from their husbands but it is what they need. Their solution to every problem is to seek counseling. That is not what they need.

Yes, "a good screw" would fix everything. I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

Dude, you are the problem. NOT the solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM threads are dominated by unhappy women who need a good screw! I don't care if they get it from their husbands but it is what they need. Their solution to every problem is to seek counseling. That is not what they need.

Yes, "a good screw" would fix everything. I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

Dude, you are the problem. NOT the solution.

I've never met a man that would describe a woman as needing "a good screw" that was actually capable of providing anyone with said "good screw".

[Anonymous]

'Tis the season for women to pick up even MORE of the burden of family life. We have the regular 'ole tiresome shit. And now we also have the holidays to deal with. Throw in some PITA MILs in there and we have a mega husband hateathon.

Go help with the holidays. Plan out some meals. Take over the gift shopping. Go call your f'in mother yourself.

That is what women need. NOT a "good screw".