Please take a moment and look at all of the DH sucks-related threads right now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men do more than they ever have before. You think my dad or his dad did jack shit with the kids or dinner or housework? And, for the most part, modern men are putting in just as many hours at their jobs as dad or grandpa did.

Despite working just as hard at paying work and much harder with the kids and house, they get endless shit about not being good enough.

You can say it's because dad and grandpa had it far too easy. And maybe that's the case, but as a modern man, it's tough not to be resentful about doing more and getting shit upon for the effort.

And women aren't doing the exact same thing? Neither of my grandmas ever worked a day in their lives. They cleaned, cooked, raised kids and had dinner on the table at 5pm.

I'm slightly resentful that my DH's job is identical to the one my dad had when I was growing up (both have masters in engineering) but DH's job doesn't pay enough to support a family and my dad's did.

Amen. My mother and grandmother never worked and parenting was way less hands-on back then. I refuse to feel bad for men having to make dinner or help with the kids, when women are now also out of the house 50 hours a week and bringing home the bacon, too. (That said, my DH is great, we're just both stretched thin).

I agree but many men are just not good at this stuff. Hence why so much defaulting goes the woman no matter how great DH is. Unless he's one of the rare ones, for the most part women are doing the most of it still.

[Anonymous]

Two main culprits seem to be: 1) Economic policies that send ever-more to the upper class while forcing families to have two income earners; and 2) Cultural expectations about how much parental involvement kids require.

The middle class doesn't have as much discretionary income or discretionary time as it used to. This causes stress that couples take out on each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is happening. Do you want all of us married to husbands who do not suck to post threads in order to even out the balance.

I'll start. My husband does not suck. He got up this morning and went to work after staying up all night to take care of our sick child.

Same. I LOVE my dh.

But you have to admit that good men like this are rare. I can't believe the shit my friend's dh's pull. It's like men haven't evolved.

I also LOVE my DH, but it took over a decade to get to this point where we are both very happy in our relationship. We have decided - after trying many different arrangements over the years - that everyone in our family's life runs smoother if I am a SAHM and he is a workaholic. Thus, we have very clearly defined roles and no more resentment. As a woman who believes women can do most things better than men, this was a hard decision to come to. Giving up my very high status/paying career was very tough for me, but it was worth it in the end. No, we can't afford to live in a huge mansion and drive new BMWs, but we still have a very luxurious life, comparatively speaking, and do not have to make any sacrifices for lifestyle/retirement/college savings, primarily due to all of the years I put in before leaving the workforce. I think it's for the best. It is teaching our kids to learn to live within more normal means and not always think that money grows on trees. I have noticed that they are becoming much more aware of the value of money now that we are not blowing through it like we did when they were younger.

You're teaching your children that work is only for making money, and not for exercising your brain and have a source of power independent of your DH. No thanks.

I am the poster you quoted and yes, I think that most people's careers are primarily for making money (Nobel laureates and researches working on curing cancer excepted - and that includes most biglaw, lobbyists, finance, sales, etc.). I spend 100% of my day exercising my brain in ways that I never did when working like a dog for someone else's company.

As for money, we both made loads of money relatively equally in our careers before I became a SAHM, so definitely no independence issues there.

As a PP said - I think the key is finding what works for your family's unique situation. We tried everything - both working FT, him a SAHD while I worked FT, me a SAHM while he worked FT, me consulting while he worked FT, etc. and this is the arrangement that works best *for us* at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Same can be said for women though. Deep down we're upset that men can't live up to the standards and provide enough for us so that we can stay home and raise our children the way our Grandfathers did.

Grandpa and grandma had a 900 square foot house. You cool with that?

[Anonymous]

women instead of b@tching on a board talk to your husbands

Now its probably too late but your husband sucks because you didn't communicate your needs/expectations

Should have done that while you were still dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have learned to do a double shift and balance everything (kids, house, work) themselves. Men haven't picked up the slack from having a working wife and women are getting sick of it.

This. In my case it's even worse; I have a low libido husband. I am just done, with all of it.

If it is a new thing, take him to the doctor. If not then didn't you know about this when you married him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men do more than they ever have before. You think my dad or his dad did jack shit with the kids or dinner or housework? And, for the most part, modern men are putting in just as many hours at their jobs as dad or grandpa did.

Despite working just as hard at paying work and much harder with the kids and house, they get endless shit about not being good enough.

You can say it's because dad and grandpa had it far too easy. And maybe that's the case, but as a modern man, it's tough not to be resentful about doing more and getting shit upon for the effort.

And women aren't doing the exact same thing? Neither of my grandmas ever worked a day in their lives. They cleaned, cooked, raised kids and had dinner on the table at 5pm.

I'm slightly resentful that my DH's job is identical to the one my dad had when I was growing up (both have masters in engineering) but DH's job doesn't pay enough to support a family and my dad's did.

how is that the fault of a DH? and by the way, many, many more men feel incredibly stressed that they are not able to provide the type of lifestyle they would like to for their DWs and families. It's clearly not how the world works today, but men in my generation (and I'm mid 40s) were raised to be the provider. Some have accepted that women can be the main breadwinner but it is a very emasculating feeling, deep down, that we cannot live up to the "standards" of the former generation. I'm not saying that it's right, I'm just saying that it is. We are raising our children to expect to be equal partners - across the board - but that still doesn't help our current generation of mid-career men.

Same can be said for women though. Deep down we're upset that men can't live up to the standards and provide enough for us so that we can stay home and raise our children the way our Grandfathers did.

and again, how is this the fault of a DH that the purchasing power of money has greatly declined over the last 25+ years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Same can be said for women though. Deep down we're upset that men can't live up to the standards and provide enough for us so that we can stay home and raise our children the way our Grandfathers did.

Grandpa and grandma had a 900 square foot house. You cool with that?

Truth! Some of these issues could be solved if we lived more simply with less debt. Myself included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is happening. Do you want all of us married to husbands who do not suck to post threads in order to even out the balance.

I'll start. My husband does not suck. He got up this morning and went to work after staying up all night to take care of our sick child.

Same. I LOVE my dh.

But you have to admit that good men like this are rare. I can't believe the shit my friend's dh's pull. It's like men haven't evolved.

They are not that rare. At least no rarer than good women. People only bother to post/complain about negative stuff which is why they "seem" rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men do more than they ever have before. You think my dad or his dad did jack shit with the kids or dinner or housework? And, for the most part, modern men are putting in just as many hours at their jobs as dad or grandpa did.

Despite working just as hard at paying work and much harder with the kids and house, they get endless shit about not being good enough.

You can say it's because dad and grandpa had it far too easy. And maybe that's the case, but as a modern man, it's tough not to be resentful about doing more and getting shit upon for the effort.

And women aren't doing the exact same thing? Neither of my grandmas ever worked a day in their lives. They cleaned, cooked, raised kids and had dinner on the table at 5pm.

I'm slightly resentful that my DH's job is identical to the one my dad had when I was growing up (both have masters in engineering) but DH's job doesn't pay enough to support a family and my dad's did.

how is that the fault of a DH? and by the way, many, many more men feel incredibly stressed that they are not able to provide the type of lifestyle they would like to for their DWs and families. It's clearly not how the world works today, but men in my generation (and I'm mid 40s) were raised to be the provider. Some have accepted that women can be the main breadwinner but it is a very emasculating feeling, deep down, that we cannot live up to the "standards" of the former generation. I'm not saying that it's right, I'm just saying that it is. We are raising our children to expect to be equal partners - across the board - but that still doesn't help our current generation of mid-career men.

Same can be said for women though. Deep down we're upset that men can't live up to the standards and provide enough for us so that we can stay home and raise our children the way our Grandfathers did.

and again, how is this the fault of a DH that the purchasing power of money has greatly declined over the last 25+ years?

Emotions aren't rooted in logic. If we're secretly holding men to the standard that we saw growing up in our Grandfathers, than we're going to feel resentful at times even though we know objectively it's not their fault.

[Anonymous]

Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Well. Women wanted these sensitive, metro sexual men in touch with their feelings. This is what you get..worthless, lacking ambition weak men.

More to the point, judging by the threads, divorce rate and sexless marriages posted about here, there is little reason men see the benefits of marriage. There are great women out there...not many are found in DC or posting on this forum though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is happening. Do you want all of us married to husbands who do not suck to post threads in order to even out the balance.

I'll start. My husband does not suck. He got up this morning and went to work after staying up all night to take care of our sick child.

Same. I LOVE my dh.

But you have to admit that good men like this are rare. I can't believe the shit my friend's dh's pull. It's like men haven't evolved.

I also LOVE my DH, but it took over a decade to get to this point where we are both very happy in our relationship. We have decided - after trying many different arrangements over the years - that everyone in our family's life runs smoother if I am a SAHM and he is a workaholic. Thus, we have very clearly defined roles and no more resentment. As a woman who believes women can do most things better than men, this was a hard decision to come to. Giving up my very high status/paying career was very tough for me, but it was worth it in the end. No, we can't afford to live in a huge mansion and drive new BMWs, but we still have a very luxurious life, comparatively speaking, and do not have to make any sacrifices for lifestyle/retirement/college savings, primarily due to all of the years I put in before leaving the workforce. I think it's for the best. It is teaching our kids to learn to live within more normal means and not always think that money grows on trees. I have noticed that they are becoming much more aware of the value of money now that we are not blowing through it like we did when they were younger.

You're teaching your children that work is only for making money, and not for exercising your brain and have a source of power independent of your DH. No thanks.

No. Not what she's teaching them at all. Don't be so blind.

[Anonymous]

As a single woman I should reconsider the marriage idea. Who benefits more from a marriage men or women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.