Do I have any right to be upset with my mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be in a blind fury at my mother for this (former trial lawyer here). My mother did things like this when my kids were younger. Unfortunately, you have come to the realization that your mom is not there for you anymore--if indeed she ever was.

And you need to come to the realization that your kids are ultimately your problem and if real life interferes with other people's ability to care for them, oh well. A blind fury because someone died? Seriously?

Let's just remember it works both ways though. All of the posters ripping OP apart would be the first ones to rip apart a poster that, say, left their mother or inlaws house early after agreeing to help them after an illness. Seriously. But hey, every individual person should own their own problems, right? You should NEVER impose on "family" members, no matter what, or count on their help after they agree to help, or in any way have any expectations whatsoever? I mean, as long as that works both ways, then I think it's a fine standard. It never does though.

Yes, if it was for a relatively less important reason. But a death in the family trumps virtually all other issues. We would give a poster grief that left a mother or in-law recovering from illness or surgery for something like "Husband just got an offer to go on a golfing weekend and I have to go home to watch the kids". But to help a significant other on the loss of a parent? No, no critique. If someone was at their mother or other relative's home helping to care for them after illness or surgery and then got a call that their SO's mother had DIED, then you call a nurse service to come and help tend your mother and you go help your SO grieve. Barring your own relative dying or critically ill in the hospital, you go to help your SO. If your own relative is critically ill or dying, then you each have to care for yourselves and your families and support each other later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be in a blind fury at my mother for this (former trial lawyer here). My mother did things like this when my kids were younger. Unfortunately, you have come to the realization that your mom is not there for you anymore--if indeed she ever was.

And you need to come to the realization that your kids are ultimately your problem and if real life interferes with other people's ability to care for them, oh well. A blind fury because someone died? Seriously?

Let's just remember it works both ways though. All of the posters ripping OP apart would be the first ones to rip apart a poster that, say, left their mother or inlaws house early after agreeing to help them after an illness. Seriously. But hey, every individual person should own their own problems, right? You should NEVER impose on "family" members, no matter what, or count on their help after they agree to help, or in any way have any expectations whatsoever? I mean, as long as that works both ways, then I think it's a fine standard. It never does though.

Ah, no? If someone close to you dies, that immediately trumps whatever other thing you said you would do. Watch your grandkids, catsit for your mom, whatever. It's a DEATH, yes, it's an immediate "get out of class" card anyone can play.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone assuming the trial lawyer is high paid. Could be a legal aid lawyer. Many trial lawyers are not rich. Next, they are a one income household where one is taking on debt in grad school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone assuming the trial lawyer is high paid. Could be a legal aid lawyer. Many trial lawyers are not rich. Next, they are a one income household where one is taking on debt in grad school.

This still does not matter or change the fact that OP has no right to be mad

[Anonymous]

OP: I Listened to what you all said and after not hearing from her since she left on Monday, I sent her the following message last night.

"I know that you think that I'm upset with you but I'm not. You had to leave and do what you needed to do for you. The girls and my responsibility not yours.
I appreciate you coming and you offering to help. When I decided to live away from family, I decided to live with the consequences which is raising two girls without help. That was my decision, not yours. I hope that you and xxxx. are doing ok in your grieving process. I have worked everything out on my end".

That was last night. No response from her. Today I sent a message and asked if she got my text and she replied "yes".

I feel like I have done my part. Not sure what else to say.

[Anonymous]

OP: And not that it matters, but I am a public defender, not big law. I didn't see how that was relevant so I didn't respond earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I Listened to what you all said and after not hearing from her since she left on Monday, I sent her the following message last night.

"I know that you think that I'm upset with you but I'm not. You had to leave and do what you needed to do for you. The girls and my responsibility not yours.
I appreciate you coming and you offering to help. When I decided to live away from family, I decided to live with the consequences which is raising two girls without help. That was my decision, not yours. I hope that you and xxxx. are doing ok in your grieving process. I have worked everything out on my end".

That was last night. No response from her. Today I sent a message and asked if she got my text and she replied "yes".

I feel like I have done my part. Not sure what else to say.

Good for you. I'm glad you were able to come to terms with the situation. I understand you were upset, but I'm glad that you didn't put too much stress on your mother's current situation on your relationship. As for her curt response, hopefully she's just got a lot going on with her boyfriend's loss and she doesn't have time to digest and come up with a good response, but she will respond more forthcoming later.

It does sound as if you and she have a lot of historical baggage and hopefully you can work on that when both of your situations ease (you finish your trial and her/boyfriend's lives stabilize a little after tidying up loose ends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I Listened to what you all said and after not hearing from her since she left on Monday, I sent her the following message last night.

"I know that you think that I'm upset with you but I'm not. You had to leave and do what you needed to do for you. The girls and my responsibility not yours.
I appreciate you coming and you offering to help. When I decided to live away from family, I decided to live with the consequences which is raising two girls without help. That was my decision, not yours. I hope that you and xxxx. are doing ok in your grieving process. I have worked everything out on my end".

That was last night. No response from her. Today I sent a message and asked if she got my text and she replied "yes".

I feel like I have done my part. Not sure what else to say.

You've said too much.

She is dealing with assisting a loved one through a terrible period of loss, THAT is why she hasn't called you. But way to make it all about you, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn't speak to my mom for months after she left me dealing with a 3 yo son in the hospital and 2 other kids, ages 6 and 10, who needed a mom at home. My 3 yo son was raging, in a cage, I needed my husband to help me in the hospital an hour away from home. His hospitalizations lasted 4 months, she stayed 2 months, and she only came because I begged, then I had to beg her every single day to stay. She had retired 3 months earlier. I kept my FT nanny the whole time even though I missed 4 months of work. All Mom had to do was take care of my 6 and 10 yo daughters from 6 pm to bedtime, and my husband was around a fair amount because he didn't stay with me in the hospital all the time. I go to therapy now. Don't tell your mom you're raising your kids without help. You're disappointed in the amount of help, but she did help. I am extremely disappointed in my mom, but I acknowledge that she did help. Just not enough. And I know the anger is my problem, not hers, that's why I started therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be in a blind fury at my mother for this (former trial lawyer here). My mother did things like this when my kids were younger. Unfortunately, you have come to the realization that your mom is not there for you anymore--if indeed she ever was.

And you need to come to the realization that your kids are ultimately your problem and if real life interferes with other people's ability to care for them, oh well. A blind fury because someone died? Seriously?

Let's just remember it works both ways though. All of the posters ripping OP apart would be the first ones to rip apart a poster that, say, left their mother or inlaws house early after agreeing to help them after an illness. Seriously. But hey, every individual person should own their own problems, right? You should NEVER impose on "family" members, no matter what, or count on their help after they agree to help, or in any way have any expectations whatsoever? I mean, as long as that works both ways, then I think it's a fine standard. It never does though.

Ah, no? If someone close to you dies, that immediately trumps whatever other thing you said you would do. Watch your grandkids, catsit for your mom, whatever. It's a DEATH, yes, it's an immediate "get out of class" card anyone can play.

Death of an on and off again boyfriend's elderly mother? Please, people here would have no problem ripping a poster to shreds if she dared leave her mother's home after agreeing to help her for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I Listened to what you all said and after not hearing from her since she left on Monday, I sent her the following message last night.

"I know that you think that I'm upset with you but I'm not. You had to leave and do what you needed to do for you. The girls and my responsibility not yours.
I appreciate you coming and you offering to help. When I decided to live away from family, I decided to live with the consequences which is raising two girls without help. That was my decision, not yours. I hope that you and xxxx. are doing ok in your grieving process. I have worked everything out on my end".

That was last night. No response from her. Today I sent a message and asked if she got my text and she replied "yes".

I feel like I have done my part. Not sure what else to say.

You've said too much.

She is dealing with assisting a loved one through a terrible period of loss, THAT is why she hasn't called you. But way to make it all about you, OP.

A terrible period of loss? The woman was elderly. I have zero patience for people who fall apart when their elderly parents die in the natural order of things. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I Listened to what you all said and after not hearing from her since she left on Monday, I sent her the following message last night.

"I know that you think that I'm upset with you but I'm not. You had to leave and do what you needed to do for you. The girls and my responsibility not yours.
I appreciate you coming and you offering to help. When I decided to live away from family, I decided to live with the consequences which is raising two girls without help. That was my decision, not yours. I hope that you and xxxx. are doing ok in your grieving process. I have worked everything out on my end".

That was last night. No response from her. Today I sent a message and asked if she got my text and she replied "yes".

I feel like I have done my part. Not sure what else to say.

She might have been more responsive if you had cut out the self-righteous stuff and kept it short:

"I know that you think that I'm upset with you but I'm not. You had to leave and do what you needed to do for you.
I appreciate you coming and you offering to help. I hope that you and xxxx. are doing ok in your grieving process.".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A terrible period of loss? The woman was elderly. I have zero patience for people who fall apart when their elderly parents die in the natural order of things. Get real.

Obviously you don't have a very good relationship with your mother or parents. Many of us do and whether elderly or not, they are dearly loved, cherished and will be severely missed and mourned when they pass, elderly or not.

Your disdain for those who love and cherish their parents is cold and dysfunctional. No one mourning the loss of a parent, elderly or not, needs to do anything to appease you. You're the one who needs to get real. Or seek therapy. Probably both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I Listened to what you all said and after not hearing from her since she left on Monday, I sent her the following message last night.

"I know that you think that I'm upset with you but I'm not. You had to leave and do what you needed to do for you. The girls and my responsibility not yours.
I appreciate you coming and you offering to help. When I decided to live away from family, I decided to live with the consequences which is raising two girls without help. That was my decision, not yours. I hope that you and xxxx. are doing ok in your grieving process. I have worked everything out on my end".

That was last night. No response from her. Today I sent a message and asked if she got my text and she replied "yes".

I feel like I have done my part. Not sure what else to say.

You've said too much.

She is dealing with assisting a loved one through a terrible period of loss, THAT is why she hasn't called you. But way to make it all about you, OP.

A terrible period of loss? The woman was elderly. I have zero patience for people who fall apart when their elderly parents die in the natural order of things. Get real.

A car accident is not the "natural order of things." Yes, parents generally die before we do, but holy hell, if someone is shocked and devastated because of an unexpected car accident, surely you can understand that pain? Where there's no time to prepare? Yes?

[Anonymous]

Op, I don't get most of these posters. Your reaction is completely normal.
She did not write you back because she feels guilty. Running off like that, without even saying bye to the kids is a bit much. I'm sorry
your mom let you down. Clearly she has done thus a lot. Unfortunately, you will probably have to settle for a pleasant but superficial relationship with her. My husband's dad is like this and it really sucks. We all get along fine but we know never to depend on him for anything. I would be lying if I said it doesn't affect the relationship. Unfortunately, he is selfish at his core but quite unaware of his own issues. He thinks he is a great dad and grandfather.