Do I have any right to be upset with my mom?

[Anonymous]

My mom and I live in different states. I have no family where I live outside of my husband. I asked her to come the first week of December to help with my kids (age 4 and 6) because I really needed her help. She works from home so she has a very flexible job. To give you context, I am a lawyer and am in trial the first week of December, and my husband is in dental school. No surprise, he has exams that same week. Well she agreed, came for Thanksgiving, and planned to stay afterward. Well Monday, the mother of her on and off again boyfriend passed away tragically. (Car accident) Well she sends me a text at work about what is going on and says she has booked a flight because he needs her. She also offers to take a taxi to the airport so she isn't putting me out. And just like that she left. She said she felt bad but she needed to go. Now I'm left stuck after she made a commitment to me. Am i being unreasonable? A cold hearted bitch? Or just spoiled? I don't ask her for much at all and she only sees my kids 4-5 times a year. This was the one time I've asked her for a favor in many years. I'm just so angry right now.

[Anonymous]

I will add that no funeral plans or anything had been discussed or made prior to her leaving.

[Anonymous]

I think you're being unreasonable. It's reasonable that you're now stressed if you have to scramble for child care, but her significant other's mother died in a car accident, for crying out loud. Of course she should go be with him.

[Anonymous]

You're unreasonable. Seeing her grandkids five times a year is a lot for someone who doesn't live near them. My neice is 15 months old and my parents met her once.

Her man is her priority. You're an adult now; hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Team mom. Sucks but her place is with BF.

[Anonymous]

I think boyfriend's mom dying trumps your trial.

What help do you need for your kids? Hire a babysitter for the week for after school help. It's not that hard to find people in this area. Post on that facebook group and you get 15 nannies lined up with references.

[Anonymous]

Op: It wasn't so much that she left. It was the manner in which she left. She didn't try to see if I had things in order, or give me time to get situated. She was also ok with leaving while my children were at school without telling them bye. She has put him before me since I was in high school. To the point that I had to give up my bed and sleep on a couch because he and his mother needed a place to sleep. I thought a day or two notice would have been considerate. My husband has been begging for us to have Christmas at home to start our own traditions, but every year I go visit her so that she can have her whole family with her. I guess I should start putting my husband first too right?

[Anonymous]

It's a death, she kind of has to go. Maybe her help will be needed to plan the funeral.

I know it leaves you in a difficult spot but life is short and this isn't worth getting upset over.

[Anonymous]

Well now you're excused from bending over backwards. I think ppl who are siding with your mom don't understand what a beat down it is to have a selfish parent. It's no one thing, just a lifetime of never being the priority regardless of the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I think you are unreasonable.
BTW! How old was the boyfriend's mom? She must have been old.

[Anonymous]

In this particular instance your mother did nothing wrong. It seems your reaction stems from her prioritizing this man over you in the past. Maybe you could benefit from therapy to address your childhood issues. And yes, if your husband wants to spend Christmas at home, maybe you should every other year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are unreasonable.
BTW! How old was the boyfriend's mom? She must have been old.

OP: She was in her 80's and had been very sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op: It wasn't so much that she left. It was the manner in which she left. She didn't try to see if I had things in order, or give me time to get situated. She was also ok with leaving while my children were at school without telling them bye. She has put him before me since I was in high school. To the point that I had to give up my bed and sleep on a couch because he and his mother needed a place to sleep. I thought a day or two notice would have been considerate. My husband has been begging for us to have Christmas at home to start our own traditions, but every year I go visit her so that she can have her whole family with her. I guess I should start putting my husband first too right?

Yes, you should be putting your husband and kids first. I love and respect my parents, but if my husband was "begging" me for something, I would listen and respect his wishes. You don't want to look back someday and have your partner and kids see you as the selfish one who put Grandma above them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this particular instance your mother did nothing wrong. It seems your reaction stems from her prioritizing this man over you in the past. Maybe you could benefit from therapy to address your childhood issues. And yes, if your husband wants to spend Christmas at home, maybe you should every other year.

Agree, her current behavior and her past behavior are separate issues.

Her past behavior is legitimately sh*tty and I agree with your husband that you should start spending at least some Christmases at home.

Her current behavior of leaving to be with her boyfriend whose mother has just died is reasonable and understandable. Yes it leaves you in a bind but his need is greater than yours right now, he just lost his mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, it does sound like she left you in the lurch. Sudden death does that to people, but she didn't handle it gracefully. Sorry about that.

That said, you remind me a bit of my sister and her DH: two high-paying jobs, three kids, and they've never figured out how to have back-up childcare other than my mom, who lives out of state. (At least my mom is retired, unlike yours!) It drives me crazy that they don't bother to hire a nanny, or get an au pair, or line up a well-paid emergency baby sitter. (A benefit would be separating out the role of grandma from that of child care provider. It's unfair to expect grandma to act like your employee. If you need someone reliable, pay them and treat them well.)