What was your thought process before bringing a step parent into your child's life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing. Do people really believe that once you are divorced/widowed and have children that you are no longer "allowed" or should want to find love again? I can't even wrap my mind around this idea. Humans are social creatures and we are all deserving of love. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, again because we are HUMANS and not robots. I completely agree that one should not bring in another step parent unless it is a right fit for the family and that person gets along with your children. I believe that you can still have your children's best interest in mind and still have a new relationship. I am also saying this as a parent myself who is married, but I know that if my DH and I did not work out or he died, I certainly would hope I would not be considered a monster if I found an amazing and loving man that I wanted to share my life with, along w/ my children. I would also hope that my husband would do the same. I would want him to find love again. I would trust that the both of us would not bring someone into our children's life that was "bad". Also, your children eventually grow up and leave the nest and start their own famlies, and I would hope that your own children would want their parent to be happy and not alone. I think the other part of this thread that is strange is that we live in 2016, where many famlies are blended and come in different shapes and sizes, mainly because the divorce rate is high and shit happens! The people responding about being repulsed by this idea seem to be of an older generation maybe? I am in my mid 30's and have friends in the same age range and in their 40's who are divorced and remarried and they have blended famlies and things are going very well for all involved.

Yes.

Blended families rarely work well. I hope my kids don't have to live through divorce or the death of a parent, but should that happen, it would be very selfish of me to impose another traumatic change on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing. Do people really believe that once you are divorced/widowed and have children that you are no longer "allowed" or should want to find love again? I can't even wrap my mind around this idea. Humans are social creatures and we are all deserving of love. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, again because we are HUMANS and not robots. I completely agree that one should not bring in another step parent unless it is a right fit for the family and that person gets along with your children. I believe that you can still have your children's best interest in mind and still have a new relationship. I am also saying this as a parent myself who is married, but I know that if my DH and I did not work out or he died, I certainly would hope I would not be considered a monster if I found an amazing and loving man that I wanted to share my life with, along w/ my children. I would also hope that my husband would do the same. I would want him to find love again. I would trust that the both of us would not bring someone into our children's life that was "bad". Also, your children eventually grow up and leave the nest and start their own famlies, and I would hope that your own children would want their parent to be happy and not alone. I think the other part of this thread that is strange is that we live in 2016, where many famlies are blended and come in different shapes and sizes, mainly because the divorce rate is high and shit happens! The people responding about being repulsed by this idea seem to be of an older generation maybe? I am in my mid 30's and have friends in the same age range and in their 40's who are divorced and remarried and they have blended famlies and things are going very well for all involved.

Yes.

Blended families rarely work well. I hope my kids don't have to live through divorce or the death of a parent, but should that happen, it would be very selfish of me to impose another traumatic change on them.

I think you need to "step" out of your bubble and read this....http://www.stepfamily.org/stepfamily-statistics.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing. Do people really believe that once you are divorced/widowed and have children that you are no longer "allowed" or should want to find love again? I can't even wrap my mind around this idea. Humans are social creatures and we are all deserving of love. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, again because we are HUMANS and not robots. I completely agree that one should not bring in another step parent unless it is a right fit for the family and that person gets along with your children. I believe that you can still have your children's best interest in mind and still have a new relationship. I am also saying this as a parent myself who is married, but I know that if my DH and I did not work out or he died, I certainly would hope I would not be considered a monster if I found an amazing and loving man that I wanted to share my life with, along w/ my children. I would also hope that my husband would do the same. I would want him to find love again. I would trust that the both of us would not bring someone into our children's life that was "bad". Also, your children eventually grow up and leave the nest and start their own famlies, and I would hope that your own children would want their parent to be happy and not alone. I think the other part of this thread that is strange is that we live in 2016, where many famlies are blended and come in different shapes and sizes, mainly because the divorce rate is high and shit happens! The people responding about being repulsed by this idea seem to be of an older generation maybe? I am in my mid 30's and have friends in the same age range and in their 40's who are divorced and remarried and they have blended famlies and things are going very well for all involved.

I never said I wouldn't want to find love again. What I said is that I, the mom of a tween and a young teen, would not move another man into the house while my kids are still living here. When they are off to college or otherwise out of the house, the house becomes fully mine again and I will live here as I see fit, with or without male company. Until then, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing. Do people really believe that once you are divorced/widowed and have children that you are no longer "allowed" or should want to find love again? I can't even wrap my mind around this idea. Humans are social creatures and we are all deserving of love. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, again because we are HUMANS and not robots. I completely agree that one should not bring in another step parent unless it is a right fit for the family and that person gets along with your children. I believe that you can still have your children's best interest in mind and still have a new relationship. I am also saying this as a parent myself who is married, but I know that if my DH and I did not work out or he died, I certainly would hope I would not be considered a monster if I found an amazing and loving man that I wanted to share my life with, along w/ my children. I would also hope that my husband would do the same. I would want him to find love again. I would trust that the both of us would not bring someone into our children's life that was "bad". Also, your children eventually grow up and leave the nest and start their own famlies, and I would hope that your own children would want their parent to be happy and not alone. I think the other part of this thread that is strange is that we live in 2016, where many famlies are blended and come in different shapes and sizes, mainly because the divorce rate is high and shit happens! The people responding about being repulsed by this idea seem to be of an older generation maybe? I am in my mid 30's and have friends in the same age range and in their 40's who are divorced and remarried and they have blended famlies and things are going very well for all involved.

I never said I wouldn't want to find love again. What I said is that I, the mom of a tween and a young teen, would not move another man into the house while my kids are still living here. When they are off to college or otherwise out of the house, the house becomes fully mine again and I will live here as I see fit, with or without male company. Until then, no.

Okay, I completely understand this point. Your kids are close to being out of the house and you would just wait until they moved away. I respect that. I was just wondering if you felt that same way about say a mid 30's women who may have a young child from their first marriage? Is it really rational to ask her to never find any love interest for another 15 or so years until that child has grown up and moved out of the house? I understand that for older children of divorce it is much harder to move another person in and why not wait it out. I just think it is not reasonable to expect this of a young divorced mother or widow. In fact I can see the benefits to having a family unit for the young child as they grow up.

[Anonymous]

My ex SIL wasted no time in moving into her /boyfriend's/ house WITH her two es school age kids. He was also recently divorced with college age children. No plans to get married.

The whole situation is awful and sad. SIL and BF bought a house together and the kids go between this house and their dad's. Lots of upheaval.

Ex SIL never once considered her kids. It's all about her, all the time. She loves to pretend that because her kids are young, they're oblivious and amazingly resilient.

[Anonymous]

I was raised by a single mom who married my stepdad when I was 7. He ended up adopting me and he's my dad. I love him dearly. He's a great dad.

I'm divorced with a 6 year old. I have dated a lot but haven't gotten to the point of being serious enough to intro anyone to my son. But I am not ruling it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex SIL wasted no time in moving into her /boyfriend's/ house WITH her two es school age kids. He was also recently divorced with college age children. No plans to get married.

The whole situation is awful and sad. SIL and BF bought a house together and the kids go between this house and their dad's. Lots of upheaval.

Ex SIL never once considered her kids. It's all about her, all the time. She loves to pretend that because her kids are young, they're oblivious and amazingly resilient.

What is the awful and sad part here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing. Do people really believe that once you are divorced/widowed and have children that you are no longer "allowed" or should want to find love again? I can't even wrap my mind around this idea. Humans are social creatures and we are all deserving of love. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, again because we are HUMANS and not robots. I completely agree that one should not bring in another step parent unless it is a right fit for the family and that person gets along with your children. I believe that you can still have your children's best interest in mind and still have a new relationship. I am also saying this as a parent myself who is married, but I know that if my DH and I did not work out or he died, I certainly would hope I would not be considered a monster if I found an amazing and loving man that I wanted to share my life with, along w/ my children. I would also hope that my husband would do the same. I would want him to find love again. I would trust that the both of us would not bring someone into our children's life that was "bad". Also, your children eventually grow up and leave the nest and start their own famlies, and I would hope that your own children would want their parent to be happy and not alone. I think the other part of this thread that is strange is that we live in 2016, where many famlies are blended and come in different shapes and sizes, mainly because the divorce rate is high and shit happens! The people responding about being repulsed by this idea seem to be of an older generation maybe? I am in my mid 30's and have friends in the same age range and in their 40's who are divorced and remarried and they have blended famlies and things are going very well for all involved.

Yes.

Blended families rarely work well. I hope my kids don't have to live through divorce or the death of a parent, but should that happen, it would be very selfish of me to impose another traumatic change on them.

I think you need to "step" out of your bubble and read this....http://www.stepfamily.org/stepfamily-statistics.html

That supports my view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

+1 it is damaging for kids

[Anonymous]

Let's face it the bulk of people remarrying are doing so because they can't hack it on their own. You can have love without moving someone in. But most people are looking to hook right back up because it's far easier.

[Anonymous]

I had never ever intended to set up house with another man after I divorced. I felt it was best to live just with my child, and I was content to see someone and mostly spend time with him while my child was off at his father's.

Embarrassingly, I accidentally got pregnant. I spent months trying to figure out how to handle it, and then decided maybe it would be easier for us to live together.

This is hard to say, but I was wrong and I did my child wrong, not because it's generally a bad idea to blend families, but because the man himself was not good for us. If I could go back, I'd tell myself to do it alone, and that it would be hard for me but best for the kids.

On the other hand, my ex-husband married a wonderful woman who's been an excellent stepmother to my child.

I've seen many blended families, with many outcomes. It all depends on the kind of person the step parent is, and how much they commit to loving and caring for the stepchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had never ever intended to set up house with another man after I divorced. I felt it was best to live just with my child, and I was content to see someone and mostly spend time with him while my child was off at his father's.

Embarrassingly, I accidentally got pregnant. I spent months trying to figure out how to handle it, and then decided maybe it would be easier for us to live together.

This is hard to say, but I was wrong and I did my child wrong, not because it's generally a bad idea to blend families, but because the man himself was not good for us. If I could go back, I'd tell myself to do it alone, and that it would be hard for me but best for the kids.

On the other hand, my ex-husband married a wonderful woman who's been an excellent stepmother to my child.

I've seen many blended families, with many outcomes. It all depends on the kind of person the step parent is, and how much they commit to loving and caring for the stepchildren.

Thank you for sharing your story. To all of the posters imagining some amazing love story with a great stepparent just falling in their lap - that may, or more likely may not, happen. Gambling with your own life is one thing. Gambling with your kids' lives is another entirely.