What was your thought process before bringing a step parent into your child's life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

You're assuming he dies. What if he's abusive and you choose to leave him? Would that change your answer at all?

No, why would it? I might then be even more concerned that my kids needed my undivided attention. I'd also be concerned that about my "picker" and not want to subject them to future concern about abusive men in the house.

+1000 I would never remarry until kids out of the house. I put my kids needs above my own though.

I'm glad someone feels this way. I from the bottom of my soul do not get how parent's neglect to process that step parents - even ones with the best of intentions - end up making kids feel like they come second, like they are guests in their own home.

As someone who was raised by a stepfather, I cannot from the bottom of my soul understand why people stereotype all step parents in such a dramatic and ignorant way. My own father abandoned us and went off to start a new family, and treated me with neglect. I didn't even come second and I was never invited into his home. But guess what. I understand that those flaws are because he's a dick, not because he's a biological father or step father. Just like my (step) dad is awesome, not because he's step or bio but because he's a good man. My life would be so much less rich without such a wonderful man and role model in my life. Not all steps are bad, just like not all bio parents are good, and not all dcum posters are logical or smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

Yeah, I agree with this, I know it sounds harsh. But I wouldn't do it. I don't think I ever would have done it, but I especially wouldn't do it now that my kids are middle-school-aged. I wouldn't be happy if they invited a friend to live in our house, and I can't imagine why I'd expect them to be happy if I invited one of my friends to live here. I actually think it's a pretty shitty thing to do to an older kid.

The circumstances of my becoming single would be immaterial to my decision on this. But I would say that if I divorced because DH was abusive or really difficult to get along with, then having my home be a place of refuge for my kids would become even more important to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

Yeah, I agree with this, I know it sounds harsh. But I wouldn't do it. I don't think I ever would have done it, but I especially wouldn't do it now that my kids are middle-school-aged. I wouldn't be happy if they invited a friend to live in our house, and I can't imagine why I'd expect them to be happy if I invited one of my friends to live here. I actually think it's a pretty shitty thing to do to an older kid.

The circumstances of my becoming single would be immaterial to my decision on this. But I would say that if I divorced because DH was abusive or really difficult to get along with, then having my home be a place of refuge for my kids would become even more important to me.

^^Meant to add that I think the calculus is a bit different with little kids, say, under 7 or so. Here a step parent really could become like a parent. But I would be so, so wary.

[Anonymous]

My mom who raised me and my brothers singly, now regrets that she didn't balance life and look for love at some pint. And we all wish the same for her. It's not selfish to have balance in a blended family. And there are many families with first marriages where kids are neglected for other reasons and broken later.

When will people get that there is no one so e fits all to life? We all have different fingerprints.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids. The guy I'm currently dating has 2 kids. We both have primary custody. It makes dating hard and expensive (we both need sitters). I have no idea where this is going to go and we both agree that we're not introducing each other to the kids. But for now, we enjoy the movies, dinner, running errands.

If I was honest, I will say that going to the next level scares the crap out of me. I'm not sure that I'll be able to break through that barrier.

[Anonymous]

Would never. I'm single and my heart absolutely breaks for children subjected to a step arrangement. God it's so selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is college even an issue? Both parents pay for college. Stepparent should not pay for college in less they offer/want to. That is the parents or child's responsibility (would I help as a stepparent if I could, of course, but it is not my responsibility).

It's an issue because the reality is never cut and dry. Most married couples do not maintain completely separate finances. So when it comes time to pay for a child's college, it's hard to say "oh, it will come out of the biological parent's money only."

It's also an issue for financial aid - it was for me. Tax returns for my parents showed my stepdad's income, which prevented me from receiving any need-based money, even though he wasn't paying for my college.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Although I didn't get need-based aid, my stepdad was more of a father than my bio dad ever was, and he walked me down the aisle when I got married (alongside my bio dad). It was also good for me to see healthy relationships growing up - my bio dad married a real witch, and had that been the only adult relationship in my life, I would be seriously f*ed up. My stepdad was the best thing to happen to me when I was growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

You're assuming he dies. What if he's abusive and you choose to leave him? Would that change your answer at all?

No, why would it? I might then be even more concerned that my kids needed my undivided attention. I'd also be concerned that about my "picker" and not want to subject them to future concern about abusive men in the house.

+1000 I would never remarry until kids out of the house. I put my kids needs above my own though.

I'm glad someone feels this way. I from the bottom of my soul do not get how parent's neglect to process that step parents - even ones with the best of intentions - end up making kids feel like they come second, like they are guests in their own home.

Hopefully you'll get whatever prize you're looking for for your martyrdom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom who raised me and my brothers singly, now regrets that she didn't balance life and look for love at some pint. And we all wish the same for her. It's not selfish to have balance in a blended family. And there are many families with first marriages where kids are neglected for other reasons and broken later.

When will people get that there is no one so e fits all to life? We all have different fingerprints.

+1
They'll never get it. Because then how would they convince themselves they are superior?

[Anonymous]

I will never remarry. One and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

You're assuming he dies. What if he's abusive and you choose to leave him? Would that change your answer at all?

No, why would it? I might then be even more concerned that my kids needed my undivided attention. I'd also be concerned that about my "picker" and not want to subject them to future concern about abusive men in the house.

+1000 I would never remarry until kids out of the house. I put my kids needs above my own though.

I'm glad someone feels this way. I from the bottom of my soul do not get how parent's neglect to process that step parents - even ones with the best of intentions - end up making kids feel like they come second, like they are guests in their own home.

Hopefully you'll get whatever prize you're looking for for your martyrdom!

Happy, well-adjusted kids? Worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

I can't say this. My DC requested this, that if my DH were to die that I stay single for the rest of my life. But I can't see how that would benefit me (or them). It might happen if I didn't ever meet a man that was right for us, but there is no way I would say I'd never bring a step parent into my child's life. There are lots of good people out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I married my DH, his bios were 4 and 7. My bios were 6 and 10. I had physical custody of my bios. We gained physical custody of my step kids about a year after our marriage. Our exes were minimumly involved. They saw them a couple of times a year at most. DH is dad to all four. I am mom to all four. A year later we had a child together. We look, feel, and function like any other family. Most people have no idea we are blended. Our kids never shared that information. They just referred to us as "my parents" or "my mom" or "my dad" regardless of blood.

Sometimes kids are better off with a caring, involved, loving stepparent in their lives. I cannot image my life without my step kids. They are every bit as much my kids as the ones I gave birth to. I disagree with the posters suggesting I am not financially responsible for my stepkids. When my DH and I got married, we committed to each other AND to the children. We provide for our five children equally.

We have been married for well over 20 years. The kids are grown and out of the house except for our youngest. Our oldest is married with a baby of his own now. Several weeks ago someone asked me about my pregnancies and I was struggling to remember the details of one. I took a minute for me to remember that I didn't give birth to her. Our family is that blended.

Our kids are better off because of theirs step parents. Children cannot have too many people in their lives who love and support them.

This too me is the problem with divorced parents. They want to paint this rosy picture of the situation. Basically, all the kids were abandoned by a biological parent. That is a really loss for them. Having a step parent raise them and love them is wonderful but it will never replace the fact that their biological parent rejected them. Don't say that your kids don't feel this way or feel that loss because it is almost impossible not to feel that way. It's illogical to think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Muh feelz, muh vagina tingles" said every single mom ever.

Is this what your mother said? Explains your issues.