What was your thought process before bringing a step parent into your child's life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I married my DH, his bios were 4 and 7. My bios were 6 and 10. I had physical custody of my bios. We gained physical custody of my step kids about a year after our marriage. Our exes were minimumly involved. They saw them a couple of times a year at most. DH is dad to all four. I am mom to all four. A year later we had a child together. We look, feel, and function like any other family. Most people have no idea we are blended. Our kids never shared that information. They just referred to us as "my parents" or "my mom" or "my dad" regardless of blood.

Sometimes kids are better off with a caring, involved, loving stepparent in their lives. I cannot image my life without my step kids. They are every bit as much my kids as the ones I gave birth to. I disagree with the posters suggesting I am not financially responsible for my stepkids. When my DH and I got married, we committed to each other AND to the children. We provide for our five children equally.

We have been married for well over 20 years. The kids are grown and out of the house except for our youngest. Our oldest is married with a baby of his own now. Several weeks ago someone asked me about my pregnancies and I was struggling to remember the details of one. I took a minute for me to remember that I didn't give birth to her. Our family is that blended.

Our kids are better off because of theirs step parents. Children cannot have too many people in their lives who love and support them.

This too me is the problem with divorced parents. They want to paint this rosy picture of the situation. Basically, all the kids were abandoned by a biological parent. That is a really loss for them. Having a step parent raise them and love them is wonderful but it will never replace the fact that their biological parent rejected them. Don't say that your kids don't feel this way or feel that loss because it is almost impossible not to feel that way. It's illogical to think it is.

+1 My dad died actually, when I was a baby. And my pathetic mom couldn't hold it together, so she clung to the first man that came around after that like lint on a wool sweater. Everything was always about him, and she never spent any time alone with me. On her wedding night (when I was 6), I was stuffed into a stranger's car by "surprise" (to me, obviously she had planned it out to get rid of me) so that I wouldn't throw a tantrum when I was told I couldn't sleep in my own bed that night.

He's a perfectly fine man, actually, I have no complaints about him. My complaints are about the fact that my mom stopped giving me attention and perpetually treated me like I was a nuisance putting a damper on her romantic time with her new husband.

[Anonymous]

I am in my 30's and thank my lucky stars several times a year that my step-father doesn't have children of his own. It's the only thing that makes the situation manageable. I adore him (he walked me down the aisle at my wedding), but it really is just a fluke -- my mom acted irresponsibly in shacking up with and then marrying him. I agree with those who say it is pretty rare that a step-parent situation is better for the kids than a single parent.

[Anonymous]

Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing. Do people really believe that once you are divorced/widowed and have children that you are no longer "allowed" or should want to find love again? I can't even wrap my mind around this idea. Humans are social creatures and we are all deserving of love. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, again because we are HUMANS and not robots. I completely agree that one should not bring in another step parent unless it is a right fit for the family and that person gets along with your children. I believe that you can still have your children's best interest in mind and still have a new relationship. I am also saying this as a parent myself who is married, but I know that if my DH and I did not work out or he died, I certainly would hope I would not be considered a monster if I found an amazing and loving man that I wanted to share my life with, along w/ my children. I would also hope that my husband would do the same. I would want him to find love again. I would trust that the both of us would not bring someone into our children's life that was "bad". Also, your children eventually grow up and leave the nest and start their own famlies, and I would hope that your own children would want their parent to be happy and not alone. I think the other part of this thread that is strange is that we live in 2016, where many famlies are blended and come in different shapes and sizes, mainly because the divorce rate is high and shit happens! The people responding about being repulsed by this idea seem to be of an older generation maybe? I am in my mid 30's and have friends in the same age range and in their 40's who are divorced and remarried and they have blended famlies and things are going very well for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing. Do people really believe that once you are divorced/widowed and have children that you are no longer "allowed" or should want to find love again? I can't even wrap my mind around this idea. Humans are social creatures and we are all deserving of love. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, again because we are HUMANS and not robots. I completely agree that one should not bring in another step parent unless it is a right fit for the family and that person gets along with your children. I believe that you can still have your children's best interest in mind and still have a new relationship. I am also saying this as a parent myself who is married, but I know that if my DH and I did not work out or he died, I certainly would hope I would not be considered a monster if I found an amazing and loving man that I wanted to share my life with, along w/ my children. I would also hope that my husband would do the same. I would want him to find love again. I would trust that the both of us would not bring someone into our children's life that was "bad". Also, your children eventually grow up and leave the nest and start their own famlies, and I would hope that your own children would want their parent to be happy and not alone. I think the other part of this thread that is strange is that we live in 2016, where many famlies are blended and come in different shapes and sizes, mainly because the divorce rate is high and shit happens! The people responding about being repulsed by this idea seem to be of an older generation maybe? I am in my mid 30's and have friends in the same age range and in their 40's who are divorced and remarried and they have blended famlies and things are going very well for all involved.

Raising kids is an enormous sacrifice. Don't like it? Don't have kids. Because if you do it wrong, you're going to screw people up for generations. The world would be A LOT better if people who couldn't deal with that reality just didn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I married my DH, his bios were 4 and 7. My bios were 6 and 10. I had physical custody of my bios. We gained physical custody of my step kids about a year after our marriage. Our exes were minimumly involved. They saw them a couple of times a year at most. DH is dad to all four. I am mom to all four. A year later we had a child together. We look, feel, and function like any other family. Most people have no idea we are blended. Our kids never shared that information. They just referred to us as "my parents" or "my mom" or "my dad" regardless of blood.

Sometimes kids are better off with a caring, involved, loving stepparent in their lives. I cannot image my life without my step kids. They are every bit as much my kids as the ones I gave birth to. I disagree with the posters suggesting I am not financially responsible for my stepkids. When my DH and I got married, we committed to each other AND to the children. We provide for our five children equally.

We have been married for well over 20 years. The kids are grown and out of the house except for our youngest. Our oldest is married with a baby of his own now. Several weeks ago someone asked me about my pregnancies and I was struggling to remember the details of one. I took a minute for me to remember that I didn't give birth to her. Our family is that blended.

Our kids are better off because of theirs step parents. Children cannot have too many people in their lives who love and support them.

This too me is the problem with divorced parents. They want to paint this rosy picture of the situation. Basically, all the kids were abandoned by a biological parent. That is a really loss for them. Having a step parent raise them and love them is wonderful but it will never replace the fact that their biological parent rejected them. Don't say that your kids don't feel this way or feel that loss because it is almost impossible not to feel that way. It's illogical to think it is.

I don't think it's "impossible" to feel that way. I do think that you seem to think it's "impossible" NOT to feel that way. My parents divorced and had joint custody. I never once felt abandoned by either of them, or that it was a loss.

I think that you need to accept that sometimes when people "paint this rosy picture" sometimes that is because the situation is actually pretty rosy. Not every kid who lives through divorce is screwed up for generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thought process was "how will they get along when they're home alone together without me?"

But this was someone I'd been friends with for well over a decade and trusted completely. It wasn't a guy I'd met on match 8 months before moving in together or something.

I'll echo this experience. I knew it was OK when I overheard the way DC talks about his stepdad to other people. Melts my heart.

[Anonymous]

My parents were never married and separated soon after I was born. Both remarried when I was 5. My stepfather is a great man, kind and loving, hardworking, and honest. He treated me like one of his own kids (I had two step siblings).
My stepmother was selfish, resentful, passive aggressive, and petty. She clearly favored her own children and it was very evident from a young age. My father chose not to notice, or didn't care, and it has ruined our relationship.
I know this is anecdotal evidence, but I think a lot of being a good stepparent comes from individual temperament and personality. Just like regular parents, there are examples of good ones and bad ones.

[Anonymous]

^^ Agree. 36 year old who doesn't find the idea of a stepparent appalling or selfish. It's a person, not a circumstance that has selfish behavior.

[Anonymous]

I waited long enough to be fairly sure we could get through all this before i introduced my son to my lover. Then i told my lover that he was not to play the role of father, as my son already had an active father in his life. It has all worked out very well. My now husband and i are into my grandchildren. They know he's not their grandfather and so does their real grandfather. Life goes on. Everyone is pretty happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

You're assuming he dies. What if he's abusive and you choose to leave him? Would that change your answer at all?

No, why would it? I might then be even more concerned that my kids needed my undivided attention. I'd also be concerned that about my "picker" and not want to subject them to future concern about abusive men in the house.

+1000 I would never remarry until kids out of the house. I put my kids needs above my own though.

I'm glad someone feels this way. I from the bottom of my soul do not get how parent's neglect to process that step parents - even ones with the best of intentions - end up making kids feel like they come second, like they are guests in their own home.

Hopefully you'll get whatever prize you're looking for for your martyrdom!

Happy, well-adjusted kids? Worth it!

Right, because children of the ever sacrificing martyr always do so well, especially emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

You're assuming he dies. What if he's abusive and you choose to leave him? Would that change your answer at all?

No, why would it? I might then be even more concerned that my kids needed my undivided attention. I'd also be concerned that about my "picker" and not want to subject them to future concern about abusive men in the house.

+1000 I would never remarry until kids out of the house. I put my kids needs above my own though.

I'm glad someone feels this way. I from the bottom of my soul do not get how parent's neglect to process that step parents - even ones with the best of intentions - end up making kids feel like they come second, like they are guests in their own home.

Hopefully you'll get whatever prize you're looking for for your martyrdom!

Happy, well-adjusted kids? Worth it!

Right, because children of the ever sacrificing martyr always do so well, especially emotionally.

I guess it's never occurred to you that some people enjoy being good parents.

[Anonymous]

I can;t imagine ever brining a step dad into my DDs life. She is young. I would be terrified of him secretly molesting her. the shit I have read on DCUM is unreal, so so many girls molested by step dads and step brothers, all looked perfect on the outside. Would I date again? yes. Have sex? hopefully but none of that requires actually getting remarried

[Anonymous]

My husband walked out on us a few months ago. My son is two. I'm in my early 30s and was hopeful that I could find love again, get remarried and have another child. Guess that's off the table for me! Bummer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can;t imagine ever brining a step dad into my DDs life. She is young. I would be terrified of him secretly molesting her. the shit I have read on DCUM is unreal, so so many girls molested by step dads and step brothers, all looked perfect on the outside. Would I date again? yes. Have sex? hopefully but none of that requires actually getting remarried

You know that a lot of people are molested by blood relatives too, right? You should be just as frightened of your father, your brother, your husband, your husband's father and brother, and any male relatives in the picture, not to mention teachers, religious leaders, and activities coaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

You're assuming he dies. What if he's abusive and you choose to leave him? Would that change your answer at all?

No, why would it? I might then be even more concerned that my kids needed my undivided attention. I'd also be concerned that about my "picker" and not want to subject them to future concern about abusive men in the house.

+1000 I would never remarry until kids out of the house. I put my kids needs above my own though.

I'm glad someone feels this way. I from the bottom of my soul do not get how parent's neglect to process that step parents - even ones with the best of intentions - end up making kids feel like they come second, like they are guests in their own home.

Hopefully you'll get whatever prize you're looking for for your martyrdom!

Happy, well-adjusted kids? Worth it!

Right, because children of the ever sacrificing martyr always do so well, especially emotionally.

I guess it's never occurred to you that some people enjoy being good parents.

Are you seriously saying that step-parents (and the people who bring them into a family) aren't good parents? Wow.