What was your thought process before bringing a step parent into your child's life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband walked out on us a few months ago. My son is two. I'm in my early 30s and was hopeful that I could find love again, get remarried and have another child. Guess that's off the table for me! Bummer.

Do whatever you want, but your son needs you. His father just walked out. The man you picked to be his father, by the way. The least you could do is not leave him with babysitters while you're off trying to find a new man and a new half-sibling without his consent.

[Anonymous]

After I divorced, I doubted I'd ever marry and blend families. I thought I'd date and enjoy and keep that part separate from the rest of my life. Eventually I met someone who changed all that. We took it slowly and years into it, it was our kids (his 2, my 2) who sat us down and asked if we could all live together.

[Anonymous]

The same people who are on here saying that single women are selfish for dating are the ones who are probably justifying staying in a bad marriage. Their kids see a poor example daily but they come on here and guilt others for leaving their child with a babysitter. As if married people don't do that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After I divorced, I doubted I'd ever marry and blend families. I thought I'd date and enjoy and keep that part separate from the rest of my life. Eventually I met someone who changed all that. We took it slowly and years into it, it was our kids (his 2, my 2) who sat us down and asked if we could all live together.

That's where I'm at now. Divorced and dating. I keep the dating separate from my kids. I've often thought about how it could possibly work to blend families and live together. I think that I've realized that it can't be scripted and if it's meant to be, it would just naturally happen.

[Anonymous]

This is the text I received from my (step) daughter this morning-

Good morning s'Mom. Thanks for listening last night. I feel better. You are right. Today is better. Thank you for always being my biggest cheerleader. Love you to the moon and back! Can't wait till Xmas

She is 24 and lives in Colorado. Our family has been a blended family for 20+ years. I put step in parentheses because I never refer to her as anything but "my daughter". We have five - his, mine, ours. We have always treated them and thought of them as "ours". At this point, we are so blended, the lines no longer exist.

After my divorce, I swore I would never marry again. A few years later I reconnected with an old friend. He had also been through a tough divorce. We dated for a while and slowly allowed the kids to adapt. We were in family therapy before we got married and for about a year afterwards. We blended beautifully. Our parents have all of the kids in their wills. There is no distinction made between the children. Contrary to what many of the angry, bitter posters are saying, it can work.

[Anonymous]

I am a bio parent and a step parent. DH and I have been married for 7 years, we dated for 3 years before that. We both had custody of our 2 kids and all of the kids were really little when we met. Since the kids were young, it was fairly easy to blend our families. I can't imagine doing it now that they are teenagers.

I tell people that in hindsight I should not have entered into the blended family. I love my husband and I think that I would be really lonely without him in my life, but the drama and issues that arise from being blended are really just too much for me. Take normal stressors in life and multiply them by 10. Things are so much more complicated. I have been put in situations that I never dreamed of before and never want to be in again but I will because of the dynamic of my family.

Life would have been much simpler for me and my children if I had remained single. I think I'd be lonely, and really I don't know what my life would be like had I not married but in my mind the grass is greener on that side, the side of less drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

Same here, although I realize this isn't an option for everyone. Date while the kids are with their father. No need to remarry,IMO. But I worked in the criminal justice system for a long time, and the boyfriends of the moms were often responsible for the physical and sexual child abuse of the kids.. many men specifically target single moms, just to get to the kids.

If I were to break my own rule, it would only be after YEARS of knowing the guy first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a bio parent and a step parent. DH and I have been married for 7 years, we dated for 3 years before that. We both had custody of our 2 kids and all of the kids were really little when we met. Since the kids were young, it was fairly easy to blend our families. I can't imagine doing it now that they are teenagers.

I tell people that in hindsight I should not have entered into the blended family. I love my husband and I think that I would be really lonely without him in my life, but the drama and issues that arise from being blended are really just too much for me. Take normal stressors in life and multiply them by 10. Things are so much more complicated. I have been put in situations that I never dreamed of before and never want to be in again but I will because of the dynamic of my family.

Life would have been much simpler for me and my children if I had remained single. I think I'd be lonely, and really I don't know what my life would be like had I not married but in my mind the grass is greener on that side, the side of less drama.

Lol You only talk about the impact this has had on YOU. You don't say one thing about the impact it's had on your kids or your DH's kids. Very telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

You're assuming he dies. What if he's abusive and you choose to leave him? Would that change your answer at all?

No, why would it? I might then be even more concerned that my kids needed my undivided attention. I'd also be concerned that about my "picker" and not want to subject them to future concern about abusive men in the house.

+1000 I would never remarry until kids out of the house. I put my kids needs above my own though.

I'm glad someone feels this way. I from the bottom of my soul do not get how parent's neglect to process that step parents - even ones with the best of intentions - end up making kids feel like they come second, like they are guests in their own home.

So glad my mom did not feel this way. My dad adopted his 'step' daughter. She would also not have a sister (me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

You're assuming he dies. What if he's abusive and you choose to leave him? Would that change your answer at all?

No, why would it? I might then be even more concerned that my kids needed my undivided attention. I'd also be concerned that about my "picker" and not want to subject them to future concern about abusive men in the house.

+1000 I would never remarry until kids out of the house. I put my kids needs above my own though.

+1 million. Plus...I would never give up my chance to be single again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The same people who are on here saying that single women are selfish for dating are the ones who are probably justifying staying in a bad marriage. Their kids see a poor example daily but they come on here and guilt others for leaving their child with a babysitter. As if married people don't do that!

Agree. I hope no vulnerable woman reading this takes their words to heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never bring a step parent into my child's life. If anything were to happen to my DH, I would remain single until they were out of the house.

You're assuming he dies. What if he's abusive and you choose to leave him? Would that change your answer at all?

No, why would it? I might then be even more concerned that my kids needed my undivided attention. I'd also be concerned that about my "picker" and not want to subject them to future concern about abusive men in the house.

+1000 I would never remarry until kids out of the house. I put my kids needs above my own though.

I'm glad someone feels this way. I from the bottom of my soul do not get how parent's neglect to process that step parents - even ones with the best of intentions - end up making kids feel like they come second, like they are guests in their own home.

Hopefully you'll get whatever prize you're looking for for your martyrdom!

Happy, well-adjusted kids? Worth it!

Right, because children of the ever sacrificing martyr always do so well, especially emotionally.

I guess it's never occurred to you that some people enjoy being good parents.

You won't believe this, but there is more than one way to be a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband walked out on us a few months ago. My son is two. I'm in my early 30s and was hopeful that I could find love again, get remarried and have another child. Guess that's off the table for me! Bummer.

Do whatever you want, but your son needs you. His father just walked out. The man you picked to be his father, by the way. The least you could do is not leave him with babysitters while you're off trying to find a new man and a new half-sibling without his consent.

What an odd thing to say. Is she allowed to get a sitter to go to work or to go out with friends or must every moment be spent with the child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing. Do people really believe that once you are divorced/widowed and have children that you are no longer "allowed" or should want to find love again? I can't even wrap my mind around this idea. Humans are social creatures and we are all deserving of love. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, again because we are HUMANS and not robots. I completely agree that one should not bring in another step parent unless it is a right fit for the family and that person gets along with your children. I believe that you can still have your children's best interest in mind and still have a new relationship. I am also saying this as a parent myself who is married, but I know that if my DH and I did not work out or he died, I certainly would hope I would not be considered a monster if I found an amazing and loving man that I wanted to share my life with, along w/ my children. I would also hope that my husband would do the same. I would want him to find love again. I would trust that the both of us would not bring someone into our children's life that was "bad". Also, your children eventually grow up and leave the nest and start their own famlies, and I would hope that your own children would want their parent to be happy and not alone. I think the other part of this thread that is strange is that we live in 2016, where many famlies are blended and come in different shapes and sizes, mainly because the divorce rate is high and shit happens! The people responding about being repulsed by this idea seem to be of an older generation maybe? I am in my mid 30's and have friends in the same age range and in their 40's who are divorced and remarried and they have blended famlies and things are going very well for all involved.

Raising kids is an enormous sacrifice. Don't like it? Don't have kids. Because if you do it wrong, you're going to screw people up for generations. The world would be A LOT better if people who couldn't deal with that reality just didn't have kids.

I am not even sure this deserves a response back...I think this view of the world being so black and white is narrow minded!! I guess you missed the part about people being humans and sometimes things don't work out with married people. To name a few; substance abuse, emotional/physical abuse, infidelity, addiction to gambling, cruelty, abandonment, and death....sometimes people have children before these other things come into play, that does not make them any less of a good parent or that they should have not had children!! It also does not mean they should have to spend the rest of their lives alone. I am pretty concerned for your own children, because you seem to have very little understanding of the world or empathy toward people who may not have the same "blessed" circumstances as yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses on this thread are disturbing. Do people really believe that once you are divorced/widowed and have children that you are no longer "allowed" or should want to find love again? I can't even wrap my mind around this idea. Humans are social creatures and we are all deserving of love. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a variety of reasons, again because we are HUMANS and not robots. I completely agree that one should not bring in another step parent unless it is a right fit for the family and that person gets along with your children. I believe that you can still have your children's best interest in mind and still have a new relationship. I am also saying this as a parent myself who is married, but I know that if my DH and I did not work out or he died, I certainly would hope I would not be considered a monster if I found an amazing and loving man that I wanted to share my life with, along w/ my children. I would also hope that my husband would do the same. I would want him to find love again. I would trust that the both of us would not bring someone into our children's life that was "bad". Also, your children eventually grow up and leave the nest and start their own famlies, and I would hope that your own children would want their parent to be happy and not alone. I think the other part of this thread that is strange is that we live in 2016, where many famlies are blended and come in different shapes and sizes, mainly because the divorce rate is high and shit happens! The people responding about being repulsed by this idea seem to be of an older generation maybe? I am in my mid 30's and have friends in the same age range and in their 40's who are divorced and remarried and they have blended famlies and things are going very well for all involved.

Raising kids is an enormous sacrifice. Don't like it? Don't have kids. Because if you do it wrong, you're going to screw people up for generations. The world would be A LOT better if people who couldn't deal with that reality just didn't have kids.

I am not even sure this deserves a response back...I think this view of the world being so black and white is narrow minded!! I guess you missed the part about people being humans and sometimes things don't work out with married people. To name a few; substance abuse, emotional/physical abuse, infidelity, addiction to gambling, cruelty, abandonment, and death....sometimes people have children before these other things come into play, that does not make them any less of a good parent or that they should have not had children!! It also does not mean they should have to spend the rest of their lives alone. I am pretty concerned for your own children, because you seem to have very little understanding of the world or empathy toward people who may not have the same "blessed" circumstances as yourself.

I didn't have blessed circumstances. My brother and I suffered greatly because of our mom's putting her own romantic needs above ours. And I would never do that to my kids. I get that life happens, but I believe that when life goes sideways, there is great value and personal satisfaction that comes from doing the hard-but-smart thing. You're not a martyr if you really believe in the value of your sacrifices, no matter what they might be. I don't lose myself through my sacrifices, I become myself. And I feel no resentment about them.